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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

would you write a letter? or would it be unreasonable to do so?

99 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/05/2009 18:57

I collected ds1 from school yesterday and he was in a foul and upset mood, so i asked him what was wrong. He told me that 2 of the children in his class had gone to one of the male teachers and accussed him of "saying something" so the male teacher and his class teacher both went to him and told him he had made a comment that they were not happy about and he needed to write a letter to explain what he had said and why he had said it, he kept telling them he had not said anything and they again told him he had and they would be passing it to the headteacher. I asked ds1 to ask the male teacher if he would talk to me and his reply was there is no need it has been passed to the head. I asked the head last night and she had no idea what i was talking about.

So today I collect ds1, but before he came out i spoke to the head who said all she knew is there were apparently some not so nice comments made and some name calling but that was it. She could not shed any light on the situation.

DS1 came out and i asked him what had happened as he had not written the letter as told. He said the teachers told him he had
to a girl said
"I can see a hole in your tights"
And to a boy
"I raped your mum"

Now I am the first to admit ds1 is no angel BUT he knows rape is not a nice thing, he knows it scars people for life and he also assures me he never said anything of the kind. I have to say I believe him 1000000000000% He knows the implications of rape and what it means to be a victim....and i dont for one millisecond believe he said it.

However the class teacher has told him she will "deal" with him tomorrow after he has finished his last sats test.

1 of these children who made the accusation is being monitored by the young offenders and is on the brink of being put in a Y.O unit. he has also been expelled from 5 schools yet they believe him over my ds1 which i have to say i find annoying. I don't for one second believe he is a perfect angel as those on here who know me will vouch to as i have posted about his behaviour at home.

would i be unreasonable to write to the teacher for ds1 to give her in the morning telling her i think she needs to look further into it as everytime there is an incident it is always ds1 who is singled out and i am getting a tad pissed off with it.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 15/05/2009 11:22

and they were sitting down on chairs at desks......

OP posts:

l39 · 15/05/2009 11:25

It wouldn't mean he could literally see her genitals. It's meant as an insult (when it is said deliberately) as in to be female and to possess a vagina is shameful!

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 15/05/2009 11:28

he is not like that though l39, he is still very much a little boy with interests in his dr who and pirate figures more than anything else...oh except he is in lurve with miley cirus.

OP posts:

l39 · 15/05/2009 11:56

I'm not trying to say your son meant it like that, Evenstar. Just that the school are looking out for nasty but apparently innocent remarks that some boys would use to humiliate a girl. It's sad that some boys are so sexist even at a young age. I hope all goes well for you in straightening the situation out.

OrmIrian · 15/05/2009 12:03

Why is 'I can see a hole in your tights' an insult?

OrmIrian · 15/05/2009 12:05

Oh I see

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 15/05/2009 12:07

Orm apparently it is but i cannot see a 10 yr old saying to another 10 yr old I can see a hole in your tights when she did have one was an insult, but then i am not thinking along the genitalia lines. a hole in tights to me is a hole not a vagina.

OP posts:

laweaselmys · 15/05/2009 12:12

Where are you from l39? I'm wondering if maybe hole in tights is a very local insult, as I too have never heard of it. And at primary school if you had a hole in your tights somebody would point it out. If there was any insult in it it was that you're clothes were shoddy - nothing else! Maybe we are all just out of the loop though.

This all sounds very muddled Evenstar... I think insisting on talking to the teacher and finding out what they are planning to do and why they are so sure he said it would be best. I would concentrate on why you are so sure he didn't and not on why you think the other child could by lying.

l39 · 15/05/2009 12:17

Laweaselmys - I'm from Hampshire. I wasn't bullied at school (luckily) but this sort of remark was used by boys who thought it was clever to insult girls while passing it off as mere observation. They were teenagers but it was a long time ago and these days schools may well be looking out for this kind of thing even in younger children.

ICANDOTHAT · 15/05/2009 12:18

LadyEvenstar Are you absolutely sure he did not say it? With running the chance of getting flamed.... As you explained this happened to you - his mum. If he is quite young and trying to come to terms/understand that something horrendous has happened to you, maybe this is his way of expressing himself. I'm not a child phsych, but it seems a coincidence that it has happened to his own mum and he has been accused of saying it about someone else's mum. Sorry if this offends, just a thought. Or, on the other hand, do you think he has told someone else about it at school and they have accused him wrongly iyswim ?

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 15/05/2009 12:36

ICAN, I am positive he never said it. I know my ds better than anyone having spent 7 years raising him alone.

He is not coming to terms with it as I was 18 when i was raped I am now 34. He knows what happened and has done since November 2006, wouldn't make sense for him now to be reacting to that would it? and he is adament he never said anything and he is very upset by anyone even saying he would make a comment of this kind.
His words to me were " why would anyone say such a horrible thing mummy"

By young do you mean immature for his age or as in his age? he is 10 going on 35 in many ways but just enjoys his toys lol.

OP posts:

treedelivery · 15/05/2009 12:39

Fwiw imo - I think plenty of 10 year olds know what rape is, what insest is, what sex is, violence, and so on.
They may know it because they live 'un-sheltered' lives and are exposed to late night tv, or even not late night tv. Surely The Bill or Casualty will have covered these areas, to say nothing of later programmes. Add into that computer games and the general portrayal of women and crimein society, and I think it is niave to imagine 10 year old boys don't know what rape is. I have a met a 11 year old father, he was not a father because he was playing mummies and daddies iyswim.

They may know about these things because they are exposed to them or suffer them, they may have names for them or may not.

I don't mean this as a for or against ds having said this btw, just an observation.

I'd want to know more for sure, and tbh I'd want the teacher to know more, and expect a more thorough assessment of what happened. I am however completely green and possibly living in cloud cukkoo land!

treedelivery · 15/05/2009 12:43

naive. Tut. Please accept my humble apologies for sloppy spelling

I think a letter or meet up is reasonable. You have concerns so why not? I'd go with a 'what evidence do you have as I take this very sesriously' attitude. See what they have to say.

Jux · 15/05/2009 13:54

My dd will be 10 in August; she knows what rape is. Why is that shocking?

Jux · 15/05/2009 19:01

That was a genuine question.

I want to know if I was wrong to explain to dd a few months ago what rape was when she asked me. What can I do to redress this, if I have done wrong.

slowreadingprogress · 15/05/2009 19:37

why was it necessary for a seven year old to be told about a rape that happened to you many years ago? oh my god - the poor, poor boy.

Poor you of course as well - but why in god's earth burden a tiny child with this knowledge?

FWIW a child who knows this about his mum is almost bound to have made this comment.

The thing with children is that they deal with things, react to things, over and over again throughout their childhood - as they develop, they understand things in a different way and experience their knowledge in different ways at different times.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 15/05/2009 19:43

Slow, he was hardly a tiny child! and is very mature and was even then. He kept asking why the police were in our home, who the man in the photo they had left was, why was i so upset and scared looking, why was nanny on the phone so much, why did i ask my friend to walk to school with us....would you have had an easier answer other than the truth???

OP posts:

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 15/05/2009 19:48

Anyway to update you all

I spoke to the teachers with the 3 children involved and their parents. The girl said "I don't know why that note was given cos i never said anything nor did K"

and after the teacher had questioned the boy again in front of his parents, ds1 and the other teacher as well as the head the boy said" I told Mr M that K had said he was going to punch my mum" at which point the teacher handed his parents the letter he had written which showed the original accussation. His mother asked why he had written it and he said "I thought it would get K in trouble"

the teacher did not apologise but asked us to leave so she could deal with the boy. I went back into the class shortly after and ds1 was told "you only have a few weeks left make the best of having to sit next to him"

WTF!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:

slowreadingprogress · 15/05/2009 19:51

Did you get any help or advice from a counsellor or social worker about dealing with your DS during that time?

It's done now, no point going over it; but IMO, yes the truth was absolutely and completely inappropriate to share with a 7 yr old. Totally.

Has he had counselling?

He may well need it. He holds a huge knowledge that is and will be a lifelong burden to him.

Good luck anyway.

But back to the OP and IMVHO, that comment was SO telling and SO likely to have come from him!

TBH I would examine his history and possible motivation before you go in all guns blazing. Personally, rather than defend him at school I would offer him some counselling. If he hasn't had it.

ScaredOfEverything · 15/05/2009 19:53

TheLadyEvenstar - that is terrible behaviour on the part of the teacher. I would ask for an apology for your lovely sounding PFB!

treedelivery · 15/05/2009 20:00

Can I clarify TLE - it transpires that the boy who made these accusations has backed down and admitted he said it to get your ds in trouble?

Jux - I don't know tbh. I don't believe in lying to children when the truth will out, and yet it is such a distastefull, utterly horrible thing for anyone to have to know about. Sorry, I can't comment on your question. But would be interested in the general mn opinion.

slowreadingprogress · 15/05/2009 20:03

I believe there is a huge difference between explaining in theory what rape means - which is necessary knowledge about the world and about humans - and telling a young child that you yourself were raped. A massive difference. The one is informing your child as part of their necessary development and the other is over-burdening a child with a knowledge that is highly likely to be damaging to them.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 15/05/2009 20:14

Tree, yes thats right!

Slow..it is not over burdening to be honest with your child i have always been honest with him when he has asked a question.

OP posts:

treedelivery · 15/05/2009 20:25

TLES - are you fuming? I think I'd be mightily pissed that he was assumed guilty tbh. But as I say am very very green. I am very glad he has been vindicated, not that you doubted him for a second. But for his own sense of justice it is right and proper.

l39 · 15/05/2009 20:27

So the other boy made it all up!

What a horrible thing to happen to both you and your son. At least you know your faith in him was not misplaced.

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