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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

would you write a letter? or would it be unreasonable to do so?

99 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/05/2009 18:57

I collected ds1 from school yesterday and he was in a foul and upset mood, so i asked him what was wrong. He told me that 2 of the children in his class had gone to one of the male teachers and accussed him of "saying something" so the male teacher and his class teacher both went to him and told him he had made a comment that they were not happy about and he needed to write a letter to explain what he had said and why he had said it, he kept telling them he had not said anything and they again told him he had and they would be passing it to the headteacher. I asked ds1 to ask the male teacher if he would talk to me and his reply was there is no need it has been passed to the head. I asked the head last night and she had no idea what i was talking about.

So today I collect ds1, but before he came out i spoke to the head who said all she knew is there were apparently some not so nice comments made and some name calling but that was it. She could not shed any light on the situation.

DS1 came out and i asked him what had happened as he had not written the letter as told. He said the teachers told him he had
to a girl said
"I can see a hole in your tights"
And to a boy
"I raped your mum"

Now I am the first to admit ds1 is no angel BUT he knows rape is not a nice thing, he knows it scars people for life and he also assures me he never said anything of the kind. I have to say I believe him 1000000000000% He knows the implications of rape and what it means to be a victim....and i dont for one millisecond believe he said it.

However the class teacher has told him she will "deal" with him tomorrow after he has finished his last sats test.

1 of these children who made the accusation is being monitored by the young offenders and is on the brink of being put in a Y.O unit. he has also been expelled from 5 schools yet they believe him over my ds1 which i have to say i find annoying. I don't for one second believe he is a perfect angel as those on here who know me will vouch to as i have posted about his behaviour at home.

would i be unreasonable to write to the teacher for ds1 to give her in the morning telling her i think she needs to look further into it as everytime there is an incident it is always ds1 who is singled out and i am getting a tad pissed off with it.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/05/2009 19:56

Green, I could never think of him as a horrible person, he is my PFB and always will be!!!

OP posts:

cory · 14/05/2009 19:58

ermm...excuse me, but 'I can see a hole in your tights' is offensive and potentially bullying

if he said that then he definitely needs to be taught that that's not on

that is exactly how my tormentors used to tease me at school

10yos are not babies; 10 yo girls are quite likely to have reached puberty and react in a similar way to an older woman to that sort of remark

about the rape remark, I see what you mean and most likely you are right

otoh maybe you should also admit the tiny chance that he used it precisely because he is troubled by what happened to you (ds made some hugely insensitive- as it seemed to me- remarks at the time of the funeral of a family friend; it was his way of dealing with it, fortunately in an enclosed setting)

but don't judge him without hearing both sides, certainly

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/05/2009 20:07

I must be odd, on the day of ds2's christening a friend said to me You have a hole in your tights i see...i was not offended i went and changed them..so i am not sure how it is offensive..but thats just me.

He still says he never said anything and until the teacher will talk to me i can only go on his word and i find it odd that the teachers won't talk to me and the head has not mentioned anything other than some name calling. Especially when i was outside her office for 20m today with ds2.

OP posts:

l39 · 15/05/2009 09:49

Um, TheLadyEvenStar, I think you are considering 'a hole in your tights' to mean exactly the same as 'a ladder', a flaw in the material - whereas that is not what it means as an insult at all.

MagNacarta · 15/05/2009 09:58

I'm sorry, but I don't see how 'you have a hole in your tights' is an insult.

TheLadyEvenStar - how about your ds writes a letter saying that he did not and would not ever make the rape comment, that someone in his family has experience of this and he knows what a terrible thing it is.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 15/05/2009 09:59

L39, the teachers exact words this morning regarding that apparent comment was
"Ds1 told P he could see a hole in her tights"
so i asked if he had indicated where he could see the hole and the teacher said
"well P has a hole in the knee of her tights"

I am lost how that is an insult sorry but i am. Maybe looking at someones knee is wrong now??????

OP posts:

unavailable · 15/05/2009 10:02

I second Greensleeves - you need to consider that maybe your ds may find it too difficult to admit to you that he did make the rape comment precicely becuase he knows how much it would upset you.

katiestar · 15/05/2009 10:26

I am truly sorry for what you have been through Evenstar.It must have been very frightening for both you and your DS when he escaped and you had to take measures to feel you feel safe in your home.

Unfortunately that is the reason why I think it is more likely your DS did say this thing.Maybe the other boy was provoking him badly and that (understandably ) your Ds lashed out in the most hurtful way he could think of.That doesn'r make him bad ,that makes him human.I think the teacher wanted him to write a letter about why he had said it so that they could see what the lead up had been.

I am not saying this is what did happen but I think it is a distinct possibility.
Remember he is a little boy possibly defending himself against a bully the best way he could.Please don't over react.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 15/05/2009 10:34

I have just read the letter ds1 wrote in school for teachers and there is nothing in there i can see would lead to any of this tbh.

it says

Dear

The following letter is explaining my side of the events which took place yesterday.

At appoximately 13.40pm on wednesday 13th may 2009. T in yr 6 took my pencil saying under her breath "Its mine" once he took it i repeatedly asked for it back but each time i did he said "no its mine and you are not being allowed to use it" In the end i snatched it back from him. Then T said to me "no-one snatches something from me" he then put his hand up and went to mr M and said i had made a comment. The same comment that today you told me.

OP posts:

nickschick · 15/05/2009 10:45

This isnt my AIBU but I feel I have to defend my comments especially as shineon disagreed with my suggestion- I think that as parents we know our dc and whilst they will swear when we arent nearby or perhaps try a sneaky cig when they are older -there are things that as a family you wouldnt comment on,in our family that is race/skin colour - i myself grew up not knowing who my father is and whilst I am pale of skin the likely person to be my father is a man of afro carribean descent - therefore when it was suggested in school that my ds had made a comment like that ,and they do take racism v seriously in his school we knew he hadnt, we wrote a note similar to the one I suggested to evenstar and we did get called in ,the teacher investigated it more and the boy who accused ds of saying this admitted that he hadnt .

Added to this I think the matter should have been dealt with as soon as it happened to drag it on a week is torturous to a young lad.

Any other time I may have said ds1 if youre in trouble at school it must be right take your punishment and indeed with an incident like this I may have been furious but I knew and I stood up for him,Im his mother thats my role.

Whilst I dont dispute that shine on makes some very valid points I am beginning to realise that school is not the clear cut ,fair environment we assume indeed there are police officers whose behaviours are questioned that is why I think shineon thinks that we shouldnt encourage our children to go against school rules - I believe shineon is probably a very good and fair person and has yet to be on the receiving end of such injustice.

Please beleive me when I say my sons are very respectful to all authority and my role as a mum isnt 'a get out of jail free' one - I believe in fairness.

timmette · 15/05/2009 10:46

Evenstar - I too have suffered what you have - anyway moving on.
Stand by your son you know him best and if you believe him then back him up.
I still remember occasions when I told my parents I hadn't done things and they chose to believe others over me - and I was an angel at school - and it still annoys me that they would beleive teachers or other kids rather than me.
a hole in tights and what is the big deal with that? an accurate discription of a hole.

nickschick · 15/05/2009 10:48

Evenstar its truly blown out of all proportion in school hasnt it?

that letter is very clear imo.

RumourOfAHurricane · 15/05/2009 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nickschick · 15/05/2009 11:00

I heart shineoncrazydiamond

avenginggerbil · 15/05/2009 11:02

I hesitate to mention this, because I don't have direct experience/information, but I remember reading (maybe a thread here) about a computer game that was v popular that involved 'raping' female characters.

Perhaps this is where the (distressing and worrying) use of the language is coming from in the playground? (Not directed at OP's son, someone else on thread said they had heard it used too.)

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 15/05/2009 11:04

Shine, the thing is as much as I have defended him in the past, i know when he is not telling the truth as he is unable to look at me, starts stuttering and mixes his words up. I am always the first to ask what has happened before i take sides and will make him apologise if he is wrong.

However this time he has looked me in the eye everytime and has been clear on what he is saying. which just backs up my opinion that he did not say it.

July 17th cannot come quick enough i tell you!!

OP posts:

booyhoo · 15/05/2009 11:06

ladyevenstar i wouldnt allow your son to be punished on the say so of two other pupils. i would request a meeting with the male teacher involved and the head and if possible the other children and their parents. the head should make it very clear that the rape comment was unnacceptable and will not be tolerated and also that lying is unacceptable. all these children need to be made aware of this. not just your son. wether your son said this or not, isnt for me to say, you know your own son, but regardless it needs to be made clear to all of the children that it isnt appropriate to say those things or to make up stories to get other people in trouble. there should be no punishment in this case as it seems not even the head is clear on what happened and it would be totally wrong to punish a child that could be being victimised by other children. if it was me, my son would serve no punishment but it would be made very clear to him that comments of that nature are wrong.

RumourOfAHurricane · 15/05/2009 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nickschick · 15/05/2009 11:10

Aven - something has encouraged the kids today to use this term, as I said ive heard it bandied around a lot, its disgusting.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 15/05/2009 11:16

Boo, I spoke to him this morning on the way to school and I told him i believed he had not said anything but just in case in the future he thought it was ok to make comments i would not tolerate them. So i think i kinda covered both sides there lol.

Shine lol put that tongue away people will get ideas!!!!!

I am not going to say anything BUT if the school have punished him on the say so of the other boy then i will need to see the teacher. Especially as the head is unaware of the exact comments made which i find bizarre

OP posts:

Stayingsunnygirl · 15/05/2009 11:18

I honestly can't see how telling someone they have a hole in their tights is offensive and potentially bullying! It would be different if someone was continually making derogatory comments about the state of someone's clothes - but a single comment??

And I equally cannot believe that knowing what had happened to his mother, and seeing some of the effect it had on her, would make Evenstar's ds more likely to make such a comment - IMO it would have precisely the opposite effect!

I would be very cross if I believed my child was telling the truth, and was being punished on the sayso of two other children with no further investigation or corroboration. And leaving it to drag on for days is utterly unacceptable too.

Evenstar - I hope that this gets sorted out for your ds, and you both have my sympathy.

RumourOfAHurricane · 15/05/2009 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

l39 · 15/05/2009 11:21

I may be clarifying something that was never in doubt - and it's obviously the least important part of the incident - but Timmette and Magnacarta, the 'hole' meant to be understood by the remark as an insult would be the girl's vagina. I am not saying that a child could not use the term in all innocence, but the school must assume it was a double entendre.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 15/05/2009 11:21

Shine theres a good girl now keep that tongue inside!!!!

Staying thankyou, I sure hope this is sorted once and for all today! his class teacher is only in next week monday as she is then off for a while for her wedding and honeymoon.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 15/05/2009 11:22

L39 he is 10 not 15!!!

the teacher told me what he had apparently said and also that the girl did have a hole in her tights........

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