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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DP to stop his ex using the washing machine once I move in?

104 replies

CrazyNites · 07/05/2009 18:16

I'm due to move in with my partner in a couple of weeks. He has been divorced for 2 years and seperated for 3.

Anyway he has moved twice since the divorce (so where he lives now has never been her home) yet she still comes over to his house to use the washing machine.

She lives with her parents and I asked him today "don't they have a washing machine then?" and he said they do ... just that they don't like her using it!!

AIBU to tell him that once I move in, I'd like her to stop bringing her washing here? I know it probably sounds petty but I don't like it.

DP has custody of their daughter and she doesn't even bother to see her very often (once a month or so) yet will come around during school hours to use the washing machine

(and it will be my washing machine she's using as we're swapping DP's for mine!)

OP posts:
morningpaper · 07/05/2009 18:18

It does sound petty TBH

I would leave it for now - there is plenty of time to sort these things out, and her relationship with him and the children is so important.

MadameCastafiore · 07/05/2009 18:19

I wouldn't like her coming round into my house whilst I wasn't there to be honest so would probably tell DP that whilst we are together and I live with him it is not really a good idea.

Sbeanmum · 07/05/2009 18:20

CrazyNites - have you posted on this before? Seems familiar to me?

YANBU - seems nuts her parents won't let her use their washing machine and has she never heard of a laundrette? Why does DP permit it anyway?

Original poster
CrazyNites · 07/05/2009 18:21

But he's constantly slagging her off to me and only a couple of weeks ago she sent him a text ffing and blinding that he wasn't in and threatning to take the daughter away if he didn't get his act together, yet she expects to just waltz in and use the washing machine etc.

And she has a bookcase in his living room full of books as "she has nowhere else for them to go" which means I have nowhere for mine to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrazyNites · 07/05/2009 18:22

sorry, crossed post.

I have posted this before yes but now I'm wondering if I should say something.

His excuse was "If I had nowhere to wash my clothes, I'd expect someone to help me out"

OP posts:
namebacon · 07/05/2009 18:22

YANBU - a grown-up has their own home, washing machine and bookcase.

morningpaper · 07/05/2009 18:25

I think this is really up to him

He needs to decide, and then you need to decide if you want to move in, in the light of his decision

KingCanuteIAm · 07/05/2009 18:27

There will be a laundrette somewhere. I think it is petty to insist she stop but I think it is very odd that she does it - especially if she does not use the time to see her child.

How does she get in if it is during school hours?

If I were you I would ask him how he sees the relationship working once you are there, ask him if he thinks it is reasonable to expect you to live in a house where his ex drops by - would he like it if it were the other way round.

I am projecting a bit here but I would expect she could end up being a bit "I ewas here first" if it is not made clear what is and is not ok.

Sbeanmum · 07/05/2009 18:27

'if I had nowhere to wash my clothes, I'd expect someone to help me out'

How about the parents she lives with helping her out? feeble excuse from your DP IMO

namebacon · 07/05/2009 18:29

If I had no-where to wash my clothes I'd take them to the laundrette or wash them by hand.

thumbwitch · 07/05/2009 18:29

hello - has she never heard of laundrettes?
Ridiculous situation.
he is being feeble, she is being manipulating, I doubt very much her parents would refuse to allow her to use their machine, wtf are they getting out of this?

since it will be YOUR machine she will be using, I would at the very least say that you are not happy for her to use it; but don't veto it outright.

Box up her books and put them in the shed. WTF are they still doing on his shelves, unless he reads them?

This is not a healthy situation to be moving into, imo.

katiestar · 07/05/2009 18:30

Did she pay for the machine ?? clutching at straws

thumbwitch · 07/05/2009 18:31

Just having checked back that your DP has moved twice since they split; that means twice he has given her keys to his new house and twice he has moved her books and put them back up on his shelves.

VERY STRANGE.

Tidey · 07/05/2009 18:32

What thumbwitch said. This is a ridiculous situation. Even if it's true that she's not allowed to use her parents' washing machine (extremely unlikely - who the hell would let someone live in their house but not wash their clothes there??), she has other options - laundrette, friend's houses, handwashing.

Unlesss she's there to see the DD, she has no business there. Her books and laundry should not be there.

QueentessentialShadow · 07/05/2009 18:36

Why are you moving in?

I would not move IN, until HE has moved ON!

morningpaper · 07/05/2009 18:39

Box up her books and put them in the shed.

I disagree - this is nothing to do with you. Your DP needs to make this decision. Then you need to make yours.

catsmother · 07/05/2009 18:42

I agree this sounds very unhealthy and, IMO, an opportunity for an ex who hasn't moved on to retain some sort of connection with their former partner by claiming they need their help.

It isn't just the washing machine and the books, but the fact she will a key to what is going to be your home and can therefore let herself into what should be your private space at any time. Who knows if she might snoop about while she's there ? Even if she's whiter than white, how would you feel being unable to relax, say, on a day off, because she might suddenly appear ?

The parents sound odd, but what's even more odd is that she won't use a launderette, or that she apparently has no friends who'd help her out .... which is what most people would do in a similar situation.

It's not petty - it's about respecting boundaries, and when you move in with DP, it should be the start of a new era for you both, looking forward, not back. I'd insist that he asks for his key back - or better still change the locks, just in case. If he objects to this perfectly reasonable request then I would be very wary of moving in with him as his 1st priority should be with you, not his ex.

And the fact they have a child together should have nothing to do with this particular situation.

Original poster
CrazyNites · 07/05/2009 18:44

See I was pretty pissed off today because we're both having to get rid of stuff to make space in his house.

He told me he'd spoken to the ex about the books and asked if she minded us 'making room' on her bookcase he said "she was fine with it so I've boxed up some of her books and put them in our bedroom".

The bedroom is cluttered enough without all her stuff lying around in boxes. They've been divorced for 2 years ffs.

OP posts:
redial · 07/05/2009 18:49

Be very welcoming but take the fuse out of the plug every now and then so that it becomes not worth her time if the machine seems unreliable. And hide the screwdrivers.

Morloth · 07/05/2009 19:00

Um, are you SURE that your DP has moved on? I wouldn't go near this situation with a barge pole.

katiestar · 07/05/2009 19:01

Sorry to say this but warning bells should be ringing !

junglist1 · 07/05/2009 19:02

YANBU!!!!! What is she on? What is he on? No no no!

BecauseImWorthIt · 07/05/2009 19:10

YADNBU. You are moving in together, into what will be your joint home. Her possessions should be passed back to her. They are her responsiblity, not his or yours.

Equally her washing is her responsibility. I don't buy the story that her parents won't let her use their machine - but even if this is true, so what? Why should she come to your house?

I think you need to have a long and honest conversation with your DP about the state of the relationship with you as well as his ex, and make sure that he really is committed to you and a future with you.

Don't move in until you have resolved this. If it's making you uneasy now it is likely to be something which will only cause arguments in the future.

Original poster
CrazyNites · 07/05/2009 19:20

Ok I've just text him and asked what time she's going next wednesday. He said 11am.

So, her DD will be at school ... I'm out all day ... so it's just those two in the house.

It's not that I don't trust him but I just think its a stupid situation. The very fact that she's choosing to go down when her daughter is at school is wierd enough, especially as she see's her so little as it is.

And there is a cabinet I want to buy but can't because he bloody bookcase is in the way taking up the space. He said today "that will be there for a few years I reckon ... she won't be in any rush to move it" and he rolls his eyes as if he is against it ... but then adds "I couldn't just force her to take them though, it wouldn't be fair"

OP posts:
HecatesTwopenceworth · 07/05/2009 19:23

do you have to be out? Juggle things so that you are there, you don't need to tell him in advance that you will be there, just don't go out on the day. How he reacts to you not leaving as expected will tell you everything you need to know.

Also. The spiteful cow inside me suggests you put a spot of bleach in the machine when she is due to bring her washing. (make sure you put machine on good rinse cycle before you use it yourself.)

I apologise for my inner-bitch