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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DP to stop his ex using the washing machine once I move in?

104 replies

CrazyNites · 07/05/2009 18:16

I'm due to move in with my partner in a couple of weeks. He has been divorced for 2 years and seperated for 3.

Anyway he has moved twice since the divorce (so where he lives now has never been her home) yet she still comes over to his house to use the washing machine.

She lives with her parents and I asked him today "don't they have a washing machine then?" and he said they do ... just that they don't like her using it!!

AIBU to tell him that once I move in, I'd like her to stop bringing her washing here? I know it probably sounds petty but I don't like it.

DP has custody of their daughter and she doesn't even bother to see her very often (once a month or so) yet will come around during school hours to use the washing machine

(and it will be my washing machine she's using as we're swapping DP's for mine!)

OP posts:

QueentessentialShadow · 07/05/2009 23:17

Unless you have a say regards the house (and what is in it, and WHO is in it), it isnt really going to be your home, is it?

It will always be him letting you live in HIS house, isnt it?

What other things in his house can you not change, or will you not be able to influence??

QueentessentialShadow · 07/05/2009 23:19

Are you by the way sure it is the way he describes is?

Is HE unwilling to let her have her books back? Is he controlling her or unwilling to let HEr move on?

"I have your books (books are mighty personal), therefore I have part of you, too. "

nappyaddict · 07/05/2009 23:29

Did she pay anything towards his washing machine?

Snorbs · 08/05/2009 00:02

QueentessentialShadow, I doubt that's the case. If it was purely about the books then, maybe. But him forcing the ex to use his washing machine? Nah.

Among the (small) population of women who move out and leave the kid(s) behind with the dad, the threat of "If you don't let me do ^^ then I'll take the kids away!" can be a very effective stick with which to beat the father. It's a simple fact that courts tend to award residency to mothers.ddd

At first glance, my impression is that this is a man who is scared of his ex and what she might be capable of. So he's trying to keep a lid on things by bending over backwards for her. Which makes me wonder if he was a victim of emotional abuse when he was still with his ex that he has yet to come to terms with. Be that as it may, that's nevertheless his problem to deal with.

CrazyNites, whatever the reason for your DP's behaviour, I think you need to be prepared for this being a difficult situation for you to move in to. I'd suggest you think about some clear boundaries about what you find acceptable regarding his ex, and what you don't. I'd also strongly suggest you keep your DP's ex very much at arms-length and gently encourage your DP to do the same.

Quattrocento · 08/05/2009 00:33

What an utterly bizarre situation. Do not provide her with keys to your house and tell her to use a laundrette.

sleepyeyes · 08/05/2009 00:42

YANBU!
I moved into my DH house that he had previously lived in with his ex wife and she had a ROOM full of stuff. I made it very clear everything was to go before I moved it. She tried and tried putting it off in the end DH gave her an ultimatum it had been nearly 2 years since she had lived there.

We also don't have a washing machine at the moment, DH parents live 3 house away but I have still washed everything by hand in the bath rather than impose on someone else when it is easy enough to do yourself.

It really doesn't sound like he has moved on at all, how strange to move twice and still take your ex-wifes books and put them on the shelfs!
I would put of moving.

sleepyeyes · 08/05/2009 00:53

Snorbs: Not usually in a case where the child's father has had residency for a number of years, courts really hate to move a child or change a situation that works for children.

I can understand how she uses it against him but he needs to stand up to her a call her bluff, would she really put all that effort into gaining custody when she barely see her child as it is?

branflake81 · 08/05/2009 06:14

Actually, I think you are being a bit unreasonable. It's a bit odd, I agree, but at the end of the day it's only a washing machine and she is the mother of his child will play a big role in his life.

PM73 · 08/05/2009 08:03

I have read all this & am thinking that possibly your dp likes having his ex come round to the house.

Are you sure they have split up completely?

There is no way on Gods earth i would allow another womans knickers in my washing machine!!

I think you need to sort this out before you move in tbh.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Longtalljosie · 08/05/2009 08:44

The books and bookcase need to go in the loft. The key needs to be returned.

I can't tell you how little I believe the idea that her parents are OK with her living there, but not using the washing machine. WTF? No, utter nonsense.

But more broadly, I agree with the others. It's very, very odd. And if you don't put your foot down over this before you move in, it'll never happen afterwards.

Baisey · 08/05/2009 09:08

YANBU.
Very odd, very very odd.
Before we had kids my hubby and I did a Ross and Rachael "a break". I moved back in with my parents for 8 months, when I went round to collect some old makeup that had been left in a drawer I noticed it had been used! Turned out a girl he had been seeing had found it and was using it! Needless to say it got thrown away!
But yes, if DP refuses to do anything about the situation then bleach in washing machine, pick out any books you would quite like to read and then with the others donate to charity.

Snorbs · 08/05/2009 09:55

sleepyeyes, you're right in that usually a court will decide not to move a child who's been happily living with her father for years. But it has happened. Going to family court for sole residency while in knowing possession of a Y-chromosome is taking a big gamble.

I do absolutely agree, however, that he needs to stand up to his ex and start making some clear decisions from a standpoint of what's in his, and his DD's, continuing and future best interests. Letting the ex come round to wash her clothes while DD is out of the house is benefiting no-one except the ex - quite frankly, sod that for a game of soldiers because one would assume she's the ex for good reason. If (and I'm only guessing here) he is the victim of past emotional abuse from her, though, it's not going to be easy for him to break out of that mindset.

dittany · 08/05/2009 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sobanoodle · 08/05/2009 10:16

Two alternative pieces of advice from me: either run a mile from the lot of them, or play nice and let her use the machine once a week, but on your terms ie. at a time you specify when her dd will be at home and when you will be there too to reinforce whose home it really is. oh, and I'd be asking her WEEKLY at least when she's going to move the rest of her stuff out. keep pestering her. Chat to her while the washing is being loaded, then foist her dd on her while you and your p maybe go for a walk, a drink in the pub etc.

2rebecca · 08/05/2009 11:41

She doesn't need a washing machine though, she lives with her mum in a house that has one.
She sounds old enough to be financially independant, she doesn't have childcare to worry about. Why hasn't she moved into her own rented flat with a washing machine 3 years post separation? Nothing about this makes any sense.
How old is this woman? She's behaving more like an 18 year old than the late 20s/30s woman I suspect she is.
It sounds as though she loves being dependent on other people (exhusbands, parents) rather than sorting out her own life and being having own washing machine and furniture.

Morloth · 08/05/2009 11:56

Run! Don't walk, RUN!

Red flags don't even describe this situation.

Janos · 08/05/2009 12:11

"She sounds old enough to be financially independant, she doesn't have childcare to worry about. Why hasn't she moved into her own rented flat with a washing machine 3 years post separation? Nothing about this makes any sense."

Yes. Run like the wind and don't look back. There are some huge red flags here, ignore them at your peril.

Original poster

CrazyNites · 08/05/2009 16:02

Thanks for the replies on this. I saw him today and he showed me the texts where he's told her she can't use the washing machine anymore. First she whinged saying "well that's great, how am I supposed to wash my stuff now?" and he replied with "look at it from the other side, would you like me coming to wash my clothes at your boyfriends place?"

She agreed it wasn't appropriate in the end and has said next wednesday will be the last time she uses it.

I then got on about the bookcase. We were sat there discussing where everything was going to go and the issue of my snake came up. He said "only place I can think of for that is the bedroom ... if you're ok with that?" he also suggested rehoming it.

I said "the tank would look nice in the living room" so he said "it would, yes ... but that bloody bookcase is in the way"

Anyway I took the bait and replied:

"well I think it's a bit ridiculous actually, us having to get rid of our stuff to make space whilst her stuff is still lying around"

he agreed and said he will tell her she has to move it within 3 months or he will sell it.

So that's those two issues sorted anyway ... I asked him if she'd ever suggested getting back together, he said "god no, and if she did, I'd run a mile" so I explained that I'm a bit unsure about giving up my house to move in with him when his ex is still a big part of the picture. He assured me that I come first and whatever I'm not happy with, he'll change.

OP posts:

Jux · 08/05/2009 16:29

Hmmmmm and and hmmmmmmm and

How many times in my life has a bloke said he'll change? Many many many

How many times has the bloke actually changed? Er none

caramelwaffle · 08/05/2009 17:01

Goodness. Three months to move a bookcase?

Yellow pages. "Man with a van". Storage company.

Three days.

thumbwitch · 08/05/2009 17:45

she needs to move it within 3 WEEKS tops, if that's when you're moving in.

dittany · 08/05/2009 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

atigercametotea · 08/05/2009 19:04

Regarding the bookcase - she's round often enough, it's not like you can't get in contact with her to move it....
there are enough texts flying about...3 minutes top to say 'please can you come and get your books/bookcase asap as we cannot store it any longer'...

Still think it's ridiculous and both of you are skirting around issues instead of some straight talking...

Longtalljosie · 08/05/2009 19:49

So where will the snake go for the next three months?

Original poster

CrazyNites · 09/05/2009 19:37

Well I asked him today:

"Have you told her about the bookcase?"

he replied "no, not yet"

I just sighed. He said "I'll do it on wednesday when she comes to do the washing" I just said "right" so he said "well, she'll probably get funny but its tough really, I won't be mean about it and give her weeks, I'll give her a few months ... "

I repeated "right"

so he said "no, I'll give her less ... actually I'll try and manipulate it so she thinks she's getting a good deal ... I'll say she has one month, she'll try for two and I'll agree so she'll think she's won!"

and he seemed really pleased with his idea

I said "yeah, of you could just say "this needs moving by weekend or it's going outside"

He changed the subject.

OP posts:

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