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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DP to stop his ex using the washing machine once I move in?

104 replies

CrazyNites · 07/05/2009 18:16

I'm due to move in with my partner in a couple of weeks. He has been divorced for 2 years and seperated for 3.

Anyway he has moved twice since the divorce (so where he lives now has never been her home) yet she still comes over to his house to use the washing machine.

She lives with her parents and I asked him today "don't they have a washing machine then?" and he said they do ... just that they don't like her using it!!

AIBU to tell him that once I move in, I'd like her to stop bringing her washing here? I know it probably sounds petty but I don't like it.

DP has custody of their daughter and she doesn't even bother to see her very often (once a month or so) yet will come around during school hours to use the washing machine

(and it will be my washing machine she's using as we're swapping DP's for mine!)

OP posts:

onadietcokebreak · 07/05/2009 20:20

YANBU and I would not be moving in until he put YOUR feeling first over his Exes need to be involved in his life on the pretense of need of the washing machine .

Nighbynight · 07/05/2009 20:22

I agree, he is still much too involved with his ex. They both need to move on.

She really has no reason to be keeping stuff at his place, and using his w/machine if theyve split. An odd favour is quite a different thing.

Nighbynight · 07/05/2009 20:22

sorry that should be "they both need to move on if they are to have new relationships"

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 07/05/2009 20:33

Whose idea was it for you to move in, BTW? Because I wonder if you are a lot keener on making this relationship serious than he is, and he is using his ex in a slightly passive-aggressive way to keep enthusiastic new partners at bay without having to say 'Look, I don't really want you to move in.'

dittany · 07/05/2009 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Overmydeadbody · 07/05/2009 20:54

I have to agree with solidgold too.

This sounds like a crazy situation, and one that screams out to me that neither of them have actually moved on and still need regular contact and something that 'bonds' them together.

Be very wary of moving in just yet.

thirtypence · 07/05/2009 20:55

Three words

Change

The

Locks

There are all sorts of boring insurance reasons why this woman should not be letting herself into your home.

You may have to live with the bookcase - it's not like she lets herself in to read the books.

atigercametotea · 07/05/2009 20:59

box up her books and leave them on top of the washing machine so she sees them next time she's around. Add a note saying, 'I believe these are yours, do you want them or should we charity shop them as there is no room in OUR house'.
Leave out yellow pages with storage facilities circled.
Bleach in the washing machine like someone said and a demand for a cost in the electricity used for her wash.

Seriously though, it's your house. Say no. Change the locks, get rid of books and bookcase and remind dp that she is he EX wife and she has no place in YOUR home (or her belongings)
It is no way acceptable.

Or do not move in.

KingCanuteIAm · 07/05/2009 21:00

I agree with everything above, the more you say the more clear it is that he is controlling and spineless - the two seem to go together a lot!

He is controlling because he gets cross if you have anything to do with another man, not matter how little - this is likely to get worse not better. Also because he is sidelining your feelings in order to run with his - with little or no thought to the consequences to you.

He is spineless because he cannot get a grip of his relationship with his ex - who, presumably, is not the nicest person in the world if her own child wants nothing to do with her.

On the other hand, maybe he does not want to get a grip of the relationship with his ex wife - personally I think this is more likely. If you are honest, if his ex asked him back tomorrow, do you think he would take a second to consider you or your feelings?

dittany · 07/05/2009 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BettySwollux · 07/05/2009 21:08

If you're using your washing machine when you move in, what about offering to sell her the old one cheap. Then she has no excuse.
And get rid of the bookshelf.
And change the locks.

beanieb · 07/05/2009 21:14

Have to agree, box up the books. Just because he is storing them for her, doesn't mean they have to be on display!

Jux · 07/05/2009 21:17

He's not leaving her with no way of washing her clothes; she lives in a house with a machine! Instead of using hte machine where she lives she is using your dp's and increasing the wear and tear on it and using your electricity and hot water which presumably you will be contributing to once you move in.

You are having to get rid of stuff and not get stuff that you want because of stuff she has left with your dp. She has had 2 years to find another home for it. You have not got room for your books because hers are there.

If I left a piece of furniture in someone's house - for whatever reason - the least I would expect is for them to use it for themselves in return for keeping it for me.

Her stuff needs to go before you move in. I believe she has a key? Why? She has never lived there.

Don't move in before the key is returned, the books and bookcase are gone and she no longer uses the machine. This is very very bizarre.

independiente · 07/05/2009 21:50

This situation would be considered strange even on Planet Strange. It is mind-boggling.
Divorce is a dissolution of a married relationship. There is no sharing of washing machines and bookshelves and housekeys, FGS. Odd enough if the man in this case was still single, let alone about to cohabit with his new partner!
His ex hardly ever sees her daughter, but pops round each week to do her washing, to a house she has never called home?
Either sort out the ground rules, or don't move in. Either way, make your feelings clear.

Original poster

CrazyNites · 07/05/2009 22:02

I couldn't resist, I sent a text saying "I would have thought she would wait until DD is at home before coming around?"

Very strangely he knew what I was implying straight away and said he was going to tell her to do her washing somewhere else as it was ridiculous her still going down there.

She doesn't have a key btw, not as far as I know anyway.

So he says he understands about the washing machine thing and that he will tell her asap.

I didn't bring the bookcase thing up, starting to wonder if I'm doing the right thing to be honest. It's all looking a bit suss, nobody is going to play me for a fool.

OP posts:

beanieb · 07/05/2009 22:06

So she comes in during school time? Who lets her in?

thumbwitch · 07/05/2009 22:07

exactly what I was wondering, beanieb!

Original poster

CrazyNites · 07/05/2009 22:07

He does, he works very early mornings.

OP posts:

Jux · 07/05/2009 22:07

Well, while he's being reasonable it might be worth asking him to get all her other stuff out while she's at it.

I hope he's worth it CrazyNites and does right by you. IMO the relationship you have doesn't have much chance of continuing long term, until she's further out of his life along with her possessions.

atigercametotea · 07/05/2009 22:08

you shouldn't skip around the issue with your dp.
Forget the texts and actually tell him what is what, face to face.

Neither she or her belongings are welcome.

thumbwitch · 07/05/2009 22:11

so he is there, she is there, her washing will take some time to do, her DD is not there and you will be away with your mum.

Stopfighting · 07/05/2009 22:59

Very odd

And not on at all..

Original poster

CrazyNites · 07/05/2009 23:06

he admitted he would have it if it was the other way around. He wouldn't want my ex in using the appliances etc

Don't know if I'm being a bit bitchy asking him to get rid of the bookcase though, she's done nothing to me and I have nothing against her personally ... would feel a bit guilty if she ended up having to get rid of them all.

Am I being too soft?

OP posts:

dittany · 07/05/2009 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yurtgirl · 07/05/2009 23:12

Hi crazynites - In answer to your last question - YES

I wouldnt even think of moving in with him until he has properly split with her.
They are divorced but if he still allows her to use his washing machine/bookcase etc - they are not properly split up are they really

or he is a doormat

I would stay well away tbh

Especially given that you have said he gets uppity about your contact with male friends etc

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