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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DP to stop his ex using the washing machine once I move in?

104 replies

CrazyNites · 07/05/2009 18:16

I'm due to move in with my partner in a couple of weeks. He has been divorced for 2 years and seperated for 3.

Anyway he has moved twice since the divorce (so where he lives now has never been her home) yet she still comes over to his house to use the washing machine.

She lives with her parents and I asked him today "don't they have a washing machine then?" and he said they do ... just that they don't like her using it!!

AIBU to tell him that once I move in, I'd like her to stop bringing her washing here? I know it probably sounds petty but I don't like it.

DP has custody of their daughter and she doesn't even bother to see her very often (once a month or so) yet will come around during school hours to use the washing machine

(and it will be my washing machine she's using as we're swapping DP's for mine!)

OP posts:
Morloth · 07/05/2009 19:24

Seriously CrazyNites, do not move in with this man/blend your lives and that of your kid's until this is sorted out. Obviously as the mother of his DC she will be in the picture a BIT, but she shouldn't have a key to YOUR home nor be storing her junk at YOUR place either.

Personally I would run a mile.

thumbwitch · 07/05/2009 19:25

you are far more trusting than I would be, but then I am a real cynic (with justification).

Of course he could force her to move it if he wanted to! Does he not have a garage or a shed - do her parents not have a garage or a shed? What size bedroom is she sleeping in? Let's face it, if she really wants to keep the bookcase and he tells her he wants rid, she will find somewhere to put it.

You have some serious thinking and working out to do before you move in with this man, imo.

clam · 07/05/2009 19:28

This is CRAZY!!!!!!!!
YANBU.
Do. Not. Go. There.

RumourOfAHurricane · 07/05/2009 19:33

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nickytwotimes · 07/05/2009 19:33

YANBU.
No way.
That is ridiculous.
SHe does not need to use his washing machine.
In the absence of laundrettes, surely she has friends who could let her use theirs?

ingles2 · 07/05/2009 19:37

I agree with everyone else!
She will haunt your relationship for ever unless you put a stop to it now.

RumourOfAHurricane · 07/05/2009 19:37

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Tinker · 07/05/2009 19:39

I like this :"I would not move IN, until HE has moved ON!"

Agree, all very odd.

ingles2 · 07/05/2009 19:40

Why 2 threads crazynites?

RumourOfAHurricane · 07/05/2009 19:44

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Blondeshavemorefun · 07/05/2009 19:47

here

RumourOfAHurricane · 07/05/2009 19:50

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Original poster
CrazyNites · 07/05/2009 20:00

Because at first I just wondered if I was being petty, this time I'm asking if I should actively seek to put a stop to it.

It just gets wierder. When we first got together he was full of bitterness about her, told me how crazy she was, how nasty, spiteful, untrustworthy etc she was ... then one day he got a CRAZY text from her which he showed me:

"Right, thats it, you've gone one step too far this time, i warned you, 3 strikes and you're out, where the fuck are you? you're taking the piss, I'm taking you to court over DD".

Then a few minutes later:

"Sorry, I thought it was thursday lol, my bad"

WTF??? so of course I thought "he's right, she's nuts"

Then the other night he said "maybe I have exagurated how bad she was"

Everytime I bring up the bookcase/washing machine etc he gets defensive and says he can't just "dump her stuff" or "leave her with no washing machine" etc etc ... yet if I get a lift somewhere from a male friend he gets all arsey and he just loves to slag off my ex ... who won't even answer a text from me half the time, never mind come around to do his washing!

I'm not seeing him tonight, is it too important to "discuss via text"?

OP posts:
Tippychickchickchicken · 07/05/2009 20:02

Aggghhhhhh, now you're on this thread. I KNEW I'd post on the wrong one.
V annoying this two thread thing for anxious type people BTW.

franch · 07/05/2009 20:05

YANBU! But yes, to answer your last question - too big for a text chat.

thumbwitch · 07/05/2009 20:05

Yes it's too important to discuss by text! It isn't really about the washing machine/ bookcase now, is it? It's about his whole attitude to his ex and the fact that she has keys and will continue to have keys to what is about to become your home!

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/05/2009 20:07

if you dp wont discuss this/take your feelings into account

do you really want to be with this man?

beanieb · 07/05/2009 20:07

Hmmmmmm... the tricky thing is that they have a daughter together and so because of that they will always be in contact and if they can keep things amicable it is SO much better for everyone.

On the other hand I think I would be put out if she was using mine. Does she contribute towards the electricity/washing powder at the moment and will she do so when it's your washing machine she is using? Also, does he expect her to have a key to what is effectively your marital home? That would strike me as a bit odd and I think it's completely reasonable for you to find it a bit strange.

Original poster
CrazyNites · 07/05/2009 20:08

sorry about the two threads thing, I've just replied on the other one. I shouldn't have started this one really but I didn't think anyone would want to reply on the other one as it is a bit older

I'm seeing him tomorow, I'm quite intrigued by how he will act.

He's told her she can go on my birthday which I think is odd, the only day he knows I'll be busy all day.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 07/05/2009 20:09

Why can't her parents have her books and bookcase, or she can pay for them to go in storage. Your bloke cares more for his ex and her opinion than he does for you and yours.
You sound determined to move in with him, but this is a bloke who is still very involved with his ex.
The daughter sounds old enough to decide for herself where she wants to live anyway.

beanieb · 07/05/2009 20:10

Actually - what you HAVE to do is say 'I am not going to be moving in with you if your ex is going to have a key to the house so you need to decide if you want me to' That is just about all you need to say.

Also - have you actually met her?

could you say also 'and I am not prepared to move in with you until I have met her so please arrange that asap'

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 07/05/2009 20:10

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Original poster
CrazyNites · 07/05/2009 20:11

the daughter hates her mother and would rather not see her. Which is a shame. I would have no problem with her coming down all the time to see her DD ... but the washing machine thing ... when her DD is at school is odd, along with the bookcase and the late night texts etc ...

I know for a fact he wouldn't like it if the roles were reversed and it was me and my ex behaving like this.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 07/05/2009 20:14

"Actually - what you HAVE to do is say 'I am not going to be moving in with you if your ex is going to have a key to the house so you need to decide if you want me to' That is just about all you need to say"

couldnt have said it better myself

2rebecca · 07/05/2009 20:15

So why exactly are you moving in with him now rather than waiting until he's got his ex and her possession out of his system? It does sound as though you're rushing into things rather than calmly saying "yes I would love to move in with you one day but I feel you are still too involved with your ex and I'd like all her possessions out of the house, her not using the house for her convenience and her not having a key before I'd feel I could call your house my house as well."

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