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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MILs boyfriend shouldn't come on a family holiday?

96 replies

LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 10:50

OK, DHs grandmother & aunt (dads side) said come for a visit, and because it was abit much to drive in one day (there and back) last time we found a nearby park to stay at for 3 nights. DHs mum is now coming with us. DH gets a text last night "can I call you?" from MIL, she rings and says "Z can come from Sunday, is that ok?" Not something he felt he could say "actually, no it's not" to. I was then told last night he is prob. coming (cannot get a yes or no from DH) Sunday to stay that night. Fair enough BUT (now, here I am probably being very U but they are real things for me) 1) It was us going away as a family - MIL and Z are not really partners, infact MIL was crying a few weeks ago because he reminded her it was casual/open. Whatever, but I do not think a casual you know what buddy should be coming on a family holiday. 2) They are going away for 3 weeks together a few days later to Magaluf, or something like that. It's almost like he won't let her go away with DH on her own, IYSWIM? There will be a baby & a toddler in a caravan - why would he want to come? I am not giving up the double bed (BFing/co-sleeping), so they will have to squeeze into those tiny twins anyway. He doesn't talk to me, we do not know his surname even... just makes me feel uneasy. 3) DH is still raw about the loss of his dad, and esp. considering they are not partners (in which case it would be different, as he would be family etc.) so going on a trip and having to be in a very family enviroment with him is upsetting for him. And TBH the biggest for me, that everyone is overlooking is I do not want to spend the night, or be in a caravan with a man I do not know. I dare not remind DH about this because it seems trivial , and prob. on here too but it makes me feel sick with worry. Esp. I know ... what he's into, you know? Now, I know he isn't going to come and pounce me in the night, I am not totally irrational () but PTSD isn't really a rational thing to suffer.

So... do I try and gently get him not to come somehow, grin and bear it or refuse to go.

[awaits flaming for being ... unreasonable]

OP posts:
traceybath · 07/05/2009 10:53

Well i don't think you are being unreasonable - i like my space and privacy and to be honest would struggle with mil in a caravan let alone her partner too.

Can they not get their own caravan?

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 10:55

Phew. I dunno, it sleeps 8 technically so I guess MIL thinks it'll be ok for a night. DH won't ask them to as he will try not to rock the boat, and MIL sees no problem.

OP posts:
Pimmpom · 07/05/2009 10:58

I agree with tracey. Would say it will be too crowded now and say they would need a caravan on their own for the one night. Can't think of anything worse than being cooped up in a caravan while bf with a man you don't feel comfortable with.

Think you should speak up. Will probably say he won't bother as it was only for 1 night [hopefully

Pimmpom · 07/05/2009 10:59

Sorry x posts. Might not be a problem for MIL but it is for you. (would be for me as well)

Idranktheeasterspirits · 07/05/2009 11:06

Is it that your MIL has invited him and wants him to come to try and move their relationship from a casual basis to a more solid footing?
Ie, is she hoping that is she involves him with family stuff he will get serious if you see what i mean?

He does sound like a bit of a nob tbh but she is obviously keen on him if she has been crying about it.

I don't see an issue with him reminding your mil that their relationship is casual if that is what the basis was when they started seeing each other, but as your mil seems keener than he is and he seems to be aware of this it doesn't really sound fair for him to be leading her on if there is no future in it.

Jux · 07/05/2009 11:13

I think your dh needs to 'grow a pair' (in MN speak!) and tell his mum that this is not a good idea for all the reasons you've outlined. Sharing a cramped space with an unknown person is difficult at the best of times, regardless of their sex, and your dh should understand your feelings.

Ask them to sleep in a tent nearby

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 11:15

DH thinks he invited himself... in a point 2) scenario. Well, I dunno... maybe she got over keen and invited him but then gets shady when we needed to know his name for DHs CRB check saying "oh no, we aren't partners" and won't tell us his surname. See, if I make a fuss and she did invite him for her own reasons, it's not fair on MIL then , I am driving a wedge between them. For all I know she may have begged him to come... [bangs head on keyboard]

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 11:16

I text DH and asked of they could rent their own for a night, he replied "doubt it".

OP posts:
Idranktheeasterspirits · 07/05/2009 11:19

Do you get on well with her? Well enough to have a chat i mean.

If so, can you just talk about how you're a little concerned about lack of space and will be on edge worrying about the kids being noisy etc, is there any way she can rent somewhere seeing as it is just the one night. And sell it to her as a lovely romantic break for her and partner as they could have a meal with you , enjoy the evening and then go back to their own private room.....

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 11:20

But then whoever did the inviting, this isn't about them, they are going away for 3 weeks alone together a few days later. I think I may fake illness.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 11:20

nope, we don't chat at all.

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 07/05/2009 11:29

Is it only for one night? it may be a chance for you all to get to know him a little better and find out if he genuinely cares for your mil, i would just grin a bear it for her sake, maybe he just needs to be made welcome for him to open up a little.

VinegarTits · 07/05/2009 11:30

Tbh if he was only casual about her, i doubt he would want to come a stay in a cramped caravan with her family, if he is making the effort to come then you should make the effort to welcome him, no?

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 07/05/2009 11:34

why do you feel so unable to put your views across to your dh / mil? do you think your own wishes and feelings dont count / arent as important as anyone else's??

i completely understand why you dont want him to come... and you need to tell your dh and / or mil that you dont want him to.

i dont get your rather cryptic references to "what he's into" etc. what do you mean??

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 11:36

We had a meal together at MILs the other Sunday - he kept moving to any room/place we weren't and just watched TV. You know when you can tell when someone isn't intrested? He has spoken only a few sentences to DH despite him making an effort - we planned to cook them dinner one night and then he wanted to go out, too late for us to take DCs so they went out alone etc. I try and spark up a conversation and it falls flat. He if anything is driving a wedge between MIL and DH, and this just goes to show again that's the case. I text DH and told him I didn't feel comfortable, and wasn't going and he text back "ok". So there we go.

OP posts:
controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 07/05/2009 11:38

err, why should you be one not to go? and what is "ok" meant to mean??

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 11:38

They are swingers/ take vids/pics. And Have been with girls my age (22, they are in their 50's, he looks more in his 60's TBH). I don't give a rats behind, but you know ... when I have to stay with them I feel awkward.

OP posts:
controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 07/05/2009 11:40

well for god's sake don't have them to stay with you in a bleedin caravan then! agree with poster below... your dh despite recent bereavement needs to grow a pair.... and you need to communicate your views and reasons more clearly to him and mil.

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 11:41

"ok, that's fine, you stay at home then" basically. I am all now and I was trying to be rational. Spare valium anyone?

OP posts:
Arcadie · 07/05/2009 11:42

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. RUN!

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 07/05/2009 11:45

you need to have a proper talk with dh about all this..... but i expect you know that. good luck. swinger boyfriend sounds yuk and why should you pretend it's all fine. are you worried re not having surname / crb check business (which i didnt understand context of from your post) that he has a criminakl record?

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 11:49

Just that I don't know him beyond his first name. I don't think he's dodgy, but I cannot work out why he is not partner enough to learn his surname but yet he is allowed on holiday with us. DH was going to even have to make up the surname for the reservation. I know it's only a surname, but ... dunno, why not just say it?

OP posts:
Morloth · 07/05/2009 11:50

Not a chance. You need to let DH know that either this guy goes or you and the kid's go. He sounds like a creep and is not family in any case.

Don't sacrifice your own feelings for MIL on this, sets a bad precedent.

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 11:50

I tried to talk to him last night, which made me feel very unreasonable and making trouble.

OP posts:
controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 07/05/2009 11:52

i asked you before.... why do you think your feelings deserve so little consideration from everyone else?? seems to me that is the real problem.