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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MILs boyfriend shouldn't come on a family holiday?

96 replies

LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 10:50

OK, DHs grandmother & aunt (dads side) said come for a visit, and because it was abit much to drive in one day (there and back) last time we found a nearby park to stay at for 3 nights. DHs mum is now coming with us. DH gets a text last night "can I call you?" from MIL, she rings and says "Z can come from Sunday, is that ok?" Not something he felt he could say "actually, no it's not" to. I was then told last night he is prob. coming (cannot get a yes or no from DH) Sunday to stay that night. Fair enough BUT (now, here I am probably being very U but they are real things for me) 1) It was us going away as a family - MIL and Z are not really partners, infact MIL was crying a few weeks ago because he reminded her it was casual/open. Whatever, but I do not think a casual you know what buddy should be coming on a family holiday. 2) They are going away for 3 weeks together a few days later to Magaluf, or something like that. It's almost like he won't let her go away with DH on her own, IYSWIM? There will be a baby & a toddler in a caravan - why would he want to come? I am not giving up the double bed (BFing/co-sleeping), so they will have to squeeze into those tiny twins anyway. He doesn't talk to me, we do not know his surname even... just makes me feel uneasy. 3) DH is still raw about the loss of his dad, and esp. considering they are not partners (in which case it would be different, as he would be family etc.) so going on a trip and having to be in a very family enviroment with him is upsetting for him. And TBH the biggest for me, that everyone is overlooking is I do not want to spend the night, or be in a caravan with a man I do not know. I dare not remind DH about this because it seems trivial , and prob. on here too but it makes me feel sick with worry. Esp. I know ... what he's into, you know? Now, I know he isn't going to come and pounce me in the night, I am not totally irrational () but PTSD isn't really a rational thing to suffer.

So... do I try and gently get him not to come somehow, grin and bear it or refuse to go.

[awaits flaming for being ... unreasonable]

OP posts:
ItsAllaBitNoisy · 07/05/2009 11:53

Is your DH doing a CRB check on him? I'm confused.

Anyway, if it was me, I'd tell DH to take a running jump and sort it out.

NOT A HOPE I would share a caravan with a man who won't speak to me, or that I don't know well. Actually, I probably wouldn't even if he did speak to me, especially with little ones, breastfeeding etc...

Sounds a nightmare to me.

YANNNNNNNNNNBU

YorkshireRose · 07/05/2009 11:57

This bloke sounds pretty dodgy - he is into young girls, swinging, etc and he is nervous about having a CRB check run on him! Makes you wonder how young he actually likes them.

I wouldn't let him within a million miles of my family, let alone share a cramped caravan with him.

YANBU by any means - I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable. Your DH is BU for not understanding this.

OrmIrian · 07/05/2009 11:57

Wow! He sounds lovely

YANBU at all and your DH needs to sort this out.

ginnny · 07/05/2009 11:58

YANBU - he sounds very sleazy tbh and I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable about sharing a caravan with him.
I don't get the CRB check part either? Are you worried for your dc too?
Couldn't you just say that as you are bf that you feel a bit uncomfortable being in such a small space with someone you don't know. Surely MIL will understand that?

VinegarTits · 07/05/2009 12:01

He is into young girls?

Scrap what i said earlier (must read threads porperly)

amicissima · 07/05/2009 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 07/05/2009 12:08

give dh the option of telling her, with a time limit. if he won't / can't / doesn't make it clear you will do it yourself.

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 12:24

Sorry, had to do a sock hunt.

CRB is for DH, he had to give details of mothers partner so he rung and just asked for a surname and she said "why? why do you need that?" then he explained, then she said they were not partners.

Thing is, it's me that has the problem. DH would never ask MIL to unask Z. He said last night " well, you don't have to come". I am bottom of the pecking order - DHs relatives, DHs mum.

OP posts:
ItsAllaBitNoisy · 07/05/2009 12:28

You're not making yourself clear here.

Why is a CRB check being done?

Also, this man isn't into young girls, but young women of 22.

(Forgive me, I'm intrigued!)

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 12:31

DH needs a CRB for his job. An enhanced one (?) - a more detailed version anyway. You have to give wifes name, mums name, and it asked mums partners name. She would not give it. I doubt he has a crim. record, he says he is a fireman...

OP posts:
Morloth · 07/05/2009 12:43

Make your OWN pecking order.

You want to visit the relatives in question? Get your OWN caravan (hah! if this was ME I would now be booking an expensive BnB for me and the kids). Tell the rest of them (your spineless DH included) to Fuck Off.

If you are not fussed about the visit, then don't go - but I would call those relatives and let them know why.

At that point I wouldn't give a damn how unreasonable or difficult I was being.

Good Old Dr. Phil is a right twat IMO, but that line "You teach people how to treat you" is extremely accurate and very applicable in this case.

Baisey · 07/05/2009 12:45

My DH had to do something similar because he was working with someone who is affiliated with MOD and they ask quite alot of stuff about family etc.
Are you having to pay for this caravan?
Fuck it, if your DH isnt going to take your feelings into consideration then you stay home with the kids and have a nice weekend to yourselves.
I feel really bad for the situation you are in, if he makes you uncomfortable, he makes you uncomfortable, you shouldnt have to share a cramped space with him.
I hope your hubby sees sense and has a word with his mother.

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 12:51

He is trying to work it out now (after I said I won't go). Cowards way more than likely by saying only named people can stay in caravan (true, but he was going to ring & add him) . I wish I had your balls! I did contemplate booking my own place but I just know it will backfire on me and I would look so immature and unreasonable. We both (us & MIL) paid for the darn caravan

Morloth, I will keep that saying in mind

OP posts:
Morloth · 07/05/2009 12:54

Do so, you don't have to be unpleasant - but YOU deserve respect as well. Mum's so often spend so much time looking after other people that it is easy to get into the habit of just bending and letting everyone walk all over you. Tell people what YOU are going to be doing, they can then decide what THEY are going to choose to do. Don't be bullied by anyone.

Steps off of soapbox. This sort of thing really just makes me angry.

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 12:54

and now his mum is ringing the park & checking, ffs.

OP posts:
ItsAllaBitNoisy · 07/05/2009 12:57

Ah, I get the CRB thing now.

You are supposed to be your DHs first responsibility. The rest of them are extended family. He needs to realise this, I think.

Stand up to him, and he will stand up to his mother.

Morloth · 07/05/2009 12:58

Doesn't matter. Stick to your guns. This man makes you uncomfortable and you have two little kids to worry about.

It comes down to what YOU want to do. If you don't want to share the caravan with him, then don't. Either book somewhere else or simply don't go.

BitOfFun · 07/05/2009 12:58

You are sooooo not being unreasonable...your dh, however, needs a severe talking to...Do you want us to send the girls round?

OrmIrian · 07/05/2009 12:59

She is checking

She seriously needs to hear some home truths.

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 13:01

Am feeling guilty now - DH is in an awkward situation of not wanting to upset either of us

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 13:02

Fingers crossed they say details cannot be changed, but I doubt it.

OP posts:
Morloth · 07/05/2009 13:02

LOL BoF, I just finished a massive workout (which including Boxing) and am feeling extremely pumped up and aggressive - what do you say Waffle? Do they need a talking to?

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 13:03

I know, TBH I thought she may have got the hint, obviously not.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 13:03

When I feel pissed off/angry, yep!

OP posts:
Morloth · 07/05/2009 13:03

Don't feel guilty, DH gets to choose who he wants to please. Not YOUR problem. If the man has any sense whatsoever he will realise that keeping YOU happy is in his best interests.

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