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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MILs boyfriend shouldn't come on a family holiday?

96 replies

LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 10:50

OK, DHs grandmother & aunt (dads side) said come for a visit, and because it was abit much to drive in one day (there and back) last time we found a nearby park to stay at for 3 nights. DHs mum is now coming with us. DH gets a text last night "can I call you?" from MIL, she rings and says "Z can come from Sunday, is that ok?" Not something he felt he could say "actually, no it's not" to. I was then told last night he is prob. coming (cannot get a yes or no from DH) Sunday to stay that night. Fair enough BUT (now, here I am probably being very U but they are real things for me) 1) It was us going away as a family - MIL and Z are not really partners, infact MIL was crying a few weeks ago because he reminded her it was casual/open. Whatever, but I do not think a casual you know what buddy should be coming on a family holiday. 2) They are going away for 3 weeks together a few days later to Magaluf, or something like that. It's almost like he won't let her go away with DH on her own, IYSWIM? There will be a baby & a toddler in a caravan - why would he want to come? I am not giving up the double bed (BFing/co-sleeping), so they will have to squeeze into those tiny twins anyway. He doesn't talk to me, we do not know his surname even... just makes me feel uneasy. 3) DH is still raw about the loss of his dad, and esp. considering they are not partners (in which case it would be different, as he would be family etc.) so going on a trip and having to be in a very family enviroment with him is upsetting for him. And TBH the biggest for me, that everyone is overlooking is I do not want to spend the night, or be in a caravan with a man I do not know. I dare not remind DH about this because it seems trivial , and prob. on here too but it makes me feel sick with worry. Esp. I know ... what he's into, you know? Now, I know he isn't going to come and pounce me in the night, I am not totally irrational () but PTSD isn't really a rational thing to suffer.

So... do I try and gently get him not to come somehow, grin and bear it or refuse to go.

[awaits flaming for being ... unreasonable]

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 07/05/2009 13:06

Could you not just say that you feel awkward about breastfeeding your lo in such close confines around a stranger? whether its true or not you are entitled to feel that way.

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 13:08

Geez, the one weekend there was three things happening! Fella finishing London Marathon, MN needed people to help out and got asked to take DCs to natural history Museum. Still might be able to go to them though

I keep thinking though it's his mum, she lost her long term (26 years) partner (though she said some really nasty things about him the other day that even DH pulled her up on) , maybe she wants what some people said... but then I get pissed off and think bloody hell, you're off to some sunny place for 3 weeks in a few days, can we not just have 3 days away in a crappy caravan!

I am gonna ring the park myself now, I am too impatient to know if he can come or not yet! I dunno if DH will try another approach now though.

OP posts:
self · 07/05/2009 13:12

when my mother died i was heartbroken and my father did not come to the funeral, been divorced for 1 year and remarried by then, i was happy for him as i felt he would have a companion failure to that he would have ended living with me in his twigh light years failure to that life is too short he should come.

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 13:14

But he's not a partner as such, otherwise I think it would be nice to spend time together. They are swinging partners.

OP posts:
Morloth · 07/05/2009 13:18

Even if he is her partner, you are not attempting to stop THEM from seeing each other. YOU just don't want to spend time with HIM. YOU get to choose who you spend time with. YOU get to say, OK I am going to visit the relos, would love for DH & MIL to come with me. THEY then get to decide whether that is what they want to do or not. You are not being difficult, you are not being unreasonable you are saying what YOU are going to be doing.

clam · 07/05/2009 13:21

You're surely not going to let the caravan park decide this one? If they say he can come, you're going to let this guy stay with you and your kids at close quarters while you're BFing?
JUST SAY NO! It's not happening! Too small a space and you don't feel comfortable.
Repeat until they get the message. And if they don't, you and your DH Need To Talk. And don't go. You'd not enjoy it now anyway.

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 13:22

Thanks I am miffed now that DH was asked if it was OK, and not me, as you said like I don't matter?

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 13:26

DH is hoping the park gives him a get out of jail free card. God this all sounds so ridiculous! I dunno what will have if (when) the park says it's ok. I am sure as hell not going, that's for sure. DH can make of that what he will.

OP posts:
Morloth · 07/05/2009 13:30

Yay! Well done Waffle, now you don't have to worry about it. Give DH some sympathy for the annoying situation his mother has put him in, but don't give an inch.

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 13:33

Well, I rung and he can be added. MIL has the booking details so prob has done it. Infact, I may ring and find out if he's on there already.

OP posts:
Miamla · 07/05/2009 13:33

could you phone the park and get someone on your side?

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 13:42

oh piss it, rung the park to "add other person but I am unsure if my husband has already done it" and they asked how many I had, I said 3 and they said it's now four, thankyou goodbye! I wonder if I should fill it to the max with Mr. Bob Smiths?

OP posts:
Morloth · 07/05/2009 13:45

LOL, Waffle I am taking this way too seriously - I will be personally offended at this point if you give in

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 13:45

And DH text (I text saying Z would be allowed on) and said "oh well, can't we just grin and bear it, it'll be ok".

OP posts:
Sparks · 07/05/2009 13:46

But your dh basically lied to mil when he told her Mr X can't come because park won't allow it. He needs to tell her that Mr X can't come because YOU won't allow it. By trying to keep everyone happy, he will end up with nobody happy.

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 13:46

I bloody 'aint! I do feel sorry for DH, but I am not sharing a caravan with a rangers fan bloke I don't know to appease him and his mum. You and BOF may come and 'have a word' with me !

OP posts:
clam · 07/05/2009 13:47

No it won't! Don't give in Waffle!

How dare they railroad you like this?

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 13:49

He didn't lie , on the confirmation it says only named people can stay in the caravan, so he told her that (hoping she would just say ok), but she said she'd ring and check. I just rung myself and you can add people on, aslong as it doesn't exceed the max. And you add them on, don't just turn up with them. What a load of load of bother over a few days away on the frigging Isle of frigging Sheppey!

OP posts:
Sparks · 07/05/2009 13:49

Go for it Waffle

clam · 07/05/2009 13:49

And if your DH tries to say that you'll be creating a scene and that it's too late now, point out that if he'd shown some balls in the first place it wouldn't have come to this.

clam · 07/05/2009 13:50

Isle of Sheppey?
Well, it's a no-brainer then!

clam · 07/05/2009 13:51

And if all else fails, feign illness on the day.

Sparks · 07/05/2009 13:53

Ok maybe then it isn't an out-and-out lie, but I assume he still has not told her about how you feel - and that is the real issue.

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 07/05/2009 13:54

I've told him I am not going. I did think I'll pretend to be really ill, but why should I have to be ashamed of the way I feel? If he wants to go - fine. He he wants to be arsey - fine. I hope a crab bites them on the butt

OP posts:
ItsAllaBitNoisy · 07/05/2009 16:40

Good. Leave them to it. Selfish sods.

I hope he has to listen to his Mum and f-buddy "swinging" all night.

Save the MAJOR talk till he gets back, and plan some nice treats for you and your babies for the weekend.