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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel uncomfortable with this old friend (facebook again)

39 replies

hambler · 03/05/2009 23:43

I recently was contacted by an old friend from school through FB.

We were good friends through school till about age 15.
(now both 49). It was lovely to get in touch, meet up ( we had a get tog with partners and our teenage kids), all good stuff.DH was initially wary as I have a history of attracting lost souls ( MALE) who mistake my friendliness for something else. He has a fair point, and I have not set sensible boundaries in the past.

But he keeps contacting me, and I am getting alittle weary.
He sends 3 or 4 messages a week on FB and texts at least once a week saying stuff like "hi how is your day going?".
I have a very busy life (dont we all) and little time to see my good friends.
We have met for coffee 3 times , just the two of us , and have had 4 couple/ family get togethers in the last 2 months. Dh is getting fed up of this as he is not that sociable to start with and feels little in common with this man.

AIBU to try to take a step back and how the hell do I do it?

OP posts:
booyhoo · 03/05/2009 23:46

its not unreasonable if its not how you usually socialise. if its eating into time that you normally spend with family then take a step back. i wouldnt make a big deal out of it, just dont respond to every message and when you do, emphasise how hectic your life is. he'll get the message.

Original poster
hambler · 03/05/2009 23:47

should explain he keeps asking to meet for coffee, and I really have not much spare time and dont want to hurt his feelings but really dont want to plan my day off around meeting ANYONE for coffee! All my good friends know I am like that.

I really do not want to hurt his feelings, he was a dear friend back then and it is great to be back in contact but I have no desire to meet for coffee every couple of weeks.

OP posts:
pearlsbeforeswine · 03/05/2009 23:48

delete them. If only real life were that simple.

Sorrento · 03/05/2009 23:48

I have a pervy one who keeps suggesting in a jokey way we meet for sex, am dying to say I dumped you were I was 15 and I was right to do so but can't quite bring myself, where do these freaks come from. Have you the heart to delete him ?

pearlsbeforeswine · 03/05/2009 23:50

I sometimes add people just do I can delete them , it is quite cathartic.

Original poster
hambler · 03/05/2009 23:52

booyhoo that is exactly what i have been doing, but he sent me a text half an hour ago (prompting this MN posting!) saying" I know you are busy but could you squeeze in a quick coffee sometime this week, it would be great to catch up?"

I suppose on some level I am uncomfortable about it. My dh is too, not for a second suggesting he dictates my friendships

Incidentally I REALLY like his wife and find it much easier to chat to her ( he is a bit shy an I feel i have to make the conversation)and would be happier to meet her for coffee but she is not the one asking!

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 03/05/2009 23:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
hambler · 03/05/2009 23:55

It's not specificalyl a FB thing - he texts and emails mostly. Deleting would make no difference.
In fact if I did delete he would spot it straight away and phone/text!

OP posts:
Tinker · 03/05/2009 23:55

How quickly do you reply to his texts/messages? Can you just start leaving bigger gaps before replying - a couple of days?

My heart is sinking for you just reading your OP

pearlsbeforeswine · 04/05/2009 00:01

Good point dandy phase him out and then delete him.

Original poster
hambler · 04/05/2009 00:01

Yes, dandylioness I do think deleting would be rude too.

I have done just that - we have arranged the families to get tog in 2 weeks(longstanding) but he still has texted to meet this week!

I will reply to hos text later tomorrow. It does seem slightly disingenous to keep fobbing him off with Im busy, got a lot on my plate.When the truth is actually "I don't really want to meet too often"

For a start,when I say I have a lot on my plate he responds with "do you need a listening ear? Is something wrong? i detect you are unhappy"

OP posts:
Original poster
hambler · 04/05/2009 00:02

by "done just that" I mean made a distant arrangement, not deleted!

OP posts:
Original poster
hambler · 04/05/2009 00:06

Tinker I do that too! I used to reply straight away to texts (as I do to everyone else) but would get caught up in long pointless text conversations usually ending up with him saying "are you SURE you are ok?"

So now I leave it a few hours/days.

If I am ever on FB I hide my online status, but if I post on anyone's page he seems to see it and immediately sends a message asking if I am online!

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 04/05/2009 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ravenAK · 04/05/2009 00:09

A bit sleeve-tuggy, the 'listening ear' comment.

I'd reply something like 'no, everything's fine, just a bit frantic! I'll text you in a couple of weeks'.

Then don't.

Just keep being breezy & fob-offish & eventually he'll find someone else to annoy.

Your dh doesn't like him, so no real future in family get-togethers - fair enough to keep as coffee buddy if you were really enjoying his company, but if not I'd fade him out tbh.

booyhoo · 04/05/2009 00:10

i think in this case you might need to be straight with him and say that you arent the sort of person who meets up so often and youre feeling a bit pressurised to do so by him. make it clear that while you arent rejecting his friendship, you are finding it too much. thats all i can think of. i know its hard to be blunt with someone but he seems to not take the hint.

DandyLioness · 04/05/2009 00:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Tinker · 04/05/2009 00:15

I don't think this will work. He's already getting on your nerves and even if you had A Talk with him and he laid off for a bit, the thought that he got on your nerves will always be there. What a shame that you get on with his wife.

Original poster
hambler · 04/05/2009 00:20

DL, yes I do want to meet up. Our kids get on really well - quite like a repeat of how me and this chap were all those years ago ......EXCEPT that it may lead to more demands from him to be my special friend!

It has made me examine myself quite a lot actually. i am an outgoing person with lots of acquaintances and a few close friends but I really like my own space and with a few hours to spare would always choose to be alone.I don't like making plans to do things on my precious day off and am more of a spur of the moment socialiser.

boo, I think you may be right. It does seem dishonest of me to fob him off with with excuses about being busy when the truth is I dont WANT to meet. But how can you say that to someone you like? he just does not seem to pick up on the normal social cues.

Raven , you have described my tactics so far!! AND you are right about dh

OP posts:
Original poster
hambler · 04/05/2009 00:21

Tinker, you have put it into words! Yes, he is getting on my nerves.
Oh dear

OP posts:
booyhoo · 04/05/2009 00:26

im not sure exactly how you would phrase it. perhaps in response to his email/text about meeting?? say that although you have enjoyed the coffee dates and catching up, you feel its eating into youre free time more than you like and you dont want to start resenting them. if he keeps pushing then i think you might have to cut him out altogether.

Original poster
hambler · 04/05/2009 00:27

boo will you be my life coach?
I do have other problems too.....

OP posts:
booyhoo · 04/05/2009 00:33

you are makin me rofl!!!

booyhoo · 04/05/2009 00:34

i must have found my sensible head tonight. been missing for a long time.

Original poster
hambler · 04/05/2009 00:37

BOO,well it is well back, I can tell you.
Your input is much appreciated.

How are you on marriage guidance?!

OP posts: