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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel uncomfortable with this old friend (facebook again)

39 replies

hambler · 03/05/2009 23:43

I recently was contacted by an old friend from school through FB.

We were good friends through school till about age 15.
(now both 49). It was lovely to get in touch, meet up ( we had a get tog with partners and our teenage kids), all good stuff.DH was initially wary as I have a history of attracting lost souls ( MALE) who mistake my friendliness for something else. He has a fair point, and I have not set sensible boundaries in the past.

But he keeps contacting me, and I am getting alittle weary.
He sends 3 or 4 messages a week on FB and texts at least once a week saying stuff like "hi how is your day going?".
I have a very busy life (dont we all) and little time to see my good friends.
We have met for coffee 3 times , just the two of us , and have had 4 couple/ family get togethers in the last 2 months. Dh is getting fed up of this as he is not that sociable to start with and feels little in common with this man.

AIBU to try to take a step back and how the hell do I do it?

OP posts:

booyhoo · 04/05/2009 00:39

he he, i think quit while im ahead!! wouldnt want to be responsible for a divorce?!

Original poster

hambler · 04/05/2009 00:44

ha ! might not be a divorce but a glorious rebirth of love

OP posts:

Vaguely · 04/05/2009 00:55

ooh, hes a bit cloying isnt he?

agree with state facts, delay replying for at least several days, and dont feel you have to justify saying no.

in answer to " I know you are busy but could you squeeze in a quick coffee sometime this week, it would be great to catch up?" i would type (several days later) 'oh dear, sorry. missed this. this week not good anyway, see you on X day'

booyhoo · 04/05/2009 01:31

sorry, got distracted reading the grumpymoo thread.

could be a glorius rebirth, but would you really want to risk asking me.

my secret to domestic bliss- OH lives on a ship miles away, he's home for one weekend a month.

Original poster

hambler · 04/05/2009 08:12

vaguely, more great advice - thanks
Booyhoo - any vacancies aboard?

OP posts:

QOD · 04/05/2009 08:22

oh poor you - i feel your pain, i am being harassed by someone from work with mental health issues, she thinks she is far more important to me than she is, and constantly texts me.
At the start, I always replied promptly, then when i started to not reply, as people have suggested, straight away, she then started with the "are you blanking me?" ones .

than would be my worry that he would do to you, by the way, mine has culminated yesterday in my daughter of 10 reading one that had the c unt word in it, (she was recently sacked from where i work and was talking about our manager) thus in a way doing me a favour in as that I could reply saying this and say please stop smothering me, I need a break.
I really feel for you, you dont want to be mean, or horrible or final, but its like they slip into your consciousness (sp), as every text you get, you immeadieatly think "is it him/her?"
(fyi i was at my dying grannies yesterday with my dad who i see x 2 a year and outside at the time when she text, hence why dd read it - she used to be able to do that! i had no secrets - nothing to hide). This stuff about me would be unknown to my "aquaintance" as our "relationship" is purely 1 sided. I know all about her, but she knows nothing about me, as her issues make her narcissitic.
ANYWAY - enough about me snort
i should start a thread of my own.......... I think you need to try to come up with a nice way of saying back off. easier said than done! please keep us/me updated, i dont know whats going to happen with mine.

Original poster

hambler · 04/05/2009 09:22

QOD that sounds a bit of a nightmare, and yes, my situation is indeed a milder version- as far as I know he has no mental health issues!
When it became apparent he was expecting a kind of instant full on friendship , I backed off and left longer intervals between texts .

He would respond with messages like"is everything ok between us?"

I feel partly to blame. In the way of these long lost friends reunions situations I was fully participant in the initial excitement of it all

OP posts:

WowOoo · 04/05/2009 09:29

I had a similar kind of thing.

I arranged to meet him and told him straight that he was being too full on, life has changed and a get together every few months was the only thing that would suit me. He was very upset (think he just doesn't have many friends and had had a divorce a few years ago) but it's worked out for the best.

Haven't seen him for months but heard from him recently and now he seems OK. Got a few off ish messages just after this meeting!

Good luck. I was brutal in the nicest wasy possible. Hope it works for you.

TheProvincialLady · 04/05/2009 09:30

Could you tell him that your DH is uncomfortable with you having so much contact with one man and that for the sake of your marriage you need to back off? That you and he are more than happy with the family meet ups but that the stuff in between is causing issues?

SammyK · 04/05/2009 09:31

Oh dear, it does sound like he is another 'lost soul ( MALE) who mistake my friendliness for something else' IMO.

It sounds like you have done things appropriately, meeting as a family and it's great your dcs get on too and that you like his wife. I would go with the

really busy at the mo will see you on xx with wife and children's names.

This would get right on my wick and I would have to say something more blunt I think

Longtalljosie · 04/05/2009 09:42

Oh this guy so wants an affair.

Agree with SammyK. Perhaps when (if?) you do reply, you could make some reference to his wife?

There's a creepy bloke who works for a different company to me, but who is often there when I'm away on business. He keeps sidling up to me apropos of nothing. Once after a long trip I was talking to a bunch of mates about which train we'd get home and up he sidles, saying "so how are you?"

"Fine", I reply. "But glad it's all over, missing my husband".

"Oh", he says. "I'm not missing my wife at all"

You haven't seen this bloke for years and don't owe him anything. You don't need to reply to his texts. He's looking for a way in. And he sounds a bit stalky too...

booyhoo · 04/05/2009 11:22

hambler if there are any vacancies, ds is taking it!!!

have you come to any decisions about old friend?

saintmaybe · 12/07/2009 13:06

Do NOT blame your husband, v dangerous imo.

Say, 'Tbh, I've got a lot of friends and I don't really have time to meet up for weekly coffees with them all. I'll just see you when we all get together in a couple of weeks, ok? It's good that our friendship can adapt to how our lives are now.(you freak)'

TheDarkPhoenix · 12/07/2009 16:43

He sounds very clingy and a bit cringy with his replies. I would nip it in the bud asap or he will be stalking you soon.

I can't believe he has a wife and is texting you so much. I would guess he is lonely and latching onto you far too much.

'Phase' him out for sure.

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