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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When do you accept your child has different morals to you and start to support them in that?

122 replies

gigglinggoblin · 27/04/2009 22:27

Have been wondering how to phrase a question because I know it will get tangled up in a load of rubbish as threads tend to on here so this is the long and short of it.

My morals tell me one thing. Ds is 8 and disagrees.

When do you support your child in doing stuff you feel is wrong? Its not illegal, wont get him in trouble with the police.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 27/04/2009 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

FAQinglovely · 27/04/2009 23:01

I used to be like that with meat - couldn't even walk past a butchers shop without heaving (and I didn't even have been looking anywhere near the window - just the smell was enough).

I would suggest arranging a trip with your ex to see "from start to finish" of something such as a chicken...........but my DS's (unbeknown to me until afterwards) witnessing the whole thing from catching to being put on the table for them to eat only made them more excited

ingles2 · 27/04/2009 23:02

Do you eat fish goblin?

Original poster
gigglinggoblin · 27/04/2009 23:02

Half and half would be ok, his dad has put so much pressure on him to only eat meat now he wont eat anything else unless he is desperate. I dont want to pressure him the same but I want him to be healthy! He wont eat fruit, veg, most types of bread etc etc. He is really good at starving himself.

Gut wrenching horror is the right phrase! The thought of it just makes me shudder.

OP posts:
Original poster
gigglinggoblin · 27/04/2009 23:03

I dont eat fish but dh does and the kids do, except this ds. Who used to love it and now refuses to eat it. Fish fingers I can cope with

OP posts:
starlightexpress · 27/04/2009 23:04

I was brought up in a veggie house and I absolutely HATED it.

Not because the food wasn't nice (my parents were - and remain - very good cooks) but because it made me different, and it's very important to (most) children to conform. Perhaps it's a bit more mainstream now.

My parent were very vocal about how "wrong" they felt eating meat was. They made it clear that they'd be very disappointed if I ever ate meat. They, never, for instance, said it was okay for me to eat meat if I was at a friends house or at a restaurant, and I really really resented being dictated to like that.

Obviously, I rebelled (in secret) but it was stressful, and I'd have far preferred to have been given the choice to eat meat if I wanted to.

Could you not do as others have suggested, buy some cooked chicken for him to put in sandwiches etc that you do not have to cook? He'll still eat veggie dinners ('cause that's what you cook) but you'll have repected his decision to eat meat by having some in the fridge for his lunches.

FWIW, I eat mainly veggie diet now, but I have a weakness for really crap, processed fast-food meat (yeah, McDonalds. So shoot me.) and I lay the blame for this squarely at my parents door because that was my secret treat food that I sneaked in when I could as a teenager.

Spidermama · 27/04/2009 23:04

tigerdriver as for sneaking in meat stock ...
I'll never forget having to force my way through a bowl of soup because my Grandmother had made it for me. I knew it had chicken stock and I gagged and heaved my way through it being polite.

When finished she said, 'Did you like the soup' 'Yes', 'Well HA! Because it had chicken stock in it. So there!. Vegetarian indeed. Pah!'

God rest her.

Colinfirth · 27/04/2009 23:06

Hmmm, I think letting him have meat at home might help normalise his relationship with food . If I were you I would have a range of cooked cold meats he can help hismelf to at home and not be judgmental about it. I speak as veggie mother of three non-veggie children. I do think they have to make their own choices on this one.

ingles2 · 27/04/2009 23:06

Then if you can stomach it, I'd buy some coked chicken and see how you get on.
He might not actually want it when it's there for the taking.
Night all.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 27/04/2009 23:06

"his dad has put so much pressure on him to only eat meat now he wont eat anything else unless he is desperate."

Oh dear. How are things between you and xp? Is he playing games? Is he an arse? Is this really just about meat?

ingles2 · 27/04/2009 23:06

coked definitely bed time

NorthernNell · 27/04/2009 23:07

Have they done the Healthy eating thing at school yet? Explain about a balanced diet and needing alsorts of foods to be healthy, you don't just eat one type of food - how is he at freinds houses? does he fefuse to eat anything but meat everywhere?

It must be hard, sad that he feels he has to please dad this way

musicposy · 27/04/2009 23:08

Mmmm, I think this is difficult.
We are the other way round, we are, or were, all meat eaters and then DD2, at 8, suddenly announces (loudly, in Tesco) that she cannot, ever, eat an animal again, and if I put it on her plate, she will eat nothing at all. Hubby is an ardent carnivore, and I knew nothing about veggie food.

Well, a year on and she is still a strict vegetarian. I've learnt about gelatine in sweets, colourings made out of insects, and all sorts of things. The rest of us are not veggie but we have become very "veggie supportive" and eat veggie meals at least 6 days out of 7 - it's just easier for me to cook.

Coming from where I do now, I can see that it would be hard for you to have meat in the house. If I ever buy meat, DD2 hates it. Everything has to be cooked and kept separate. It's so much easier not to have it around. And in that I think your way round is the more difficult dilemma.

However, lots of people really slated me for "letting" DD2 become veggie at only 8. Lots of my family said "I'd jolly well make her eat it!" To which I replied that I felt she was old enough to make her own life choices and decisions, and I wasn't going to cause years of resentment by making her do something totally against her will.

To that end, I would explain that you cannot have meat in the house because it goes against your moral code and you can't face it. However, I would say you respect his right to choose meat dishes when you are out, or he is at his dads. That way it won't become a point scoring battle. Also, the more you forbid it, the more I suspect he will want it. If you don't make it an issue, who knows, he may return to being veggie one day in the future.

I hope this has helped.

Original poster
gigglinggoblin · 27/04/2009 23:09

lol @ coked chicken - coke is def banned, the caffeine send sthem crazy. He would think all his christmasses had come at once!

Yes xp is an arse and has been for years. Its not about meat, its about him controlling me and being able to do it through ds. He wont help, he will just be very happy if he knows he is making life hard for me (and wont give a toss about making it hard for ds).

OP posts:
FAQinglovely · 27/04/2009 23:11

hmmm so ex thinks by doing this it'll make life hard for you.

Could you stomach (sorry ) cooked meats in the house?

If so then your DS gets to eat his meat, and (hopefully) it won't make life hard for you - and if he (ex) ever asks about it you can say "well he had ham sandwichs the other day, sausages on x day" (and stick 2 fingers up behind his back )

tigerdriver · 27/04/2009 23:12

Hijack over too.

FallenMadonna - do they really complain? I've never met a militant meat eater!

Spider - I was joking y'know. Sorry you've had to re-live that. I did once share a house with a really militant vegetarian who insisted on using my pans then berating me because he had to eat food out of pans that had had dead animals in. Answer - buy your own pans, buster. He also ate seafood of all types as they are really "sea vegetables" . Or actually because he liked prawns. I was always tempted to spike his tea with Bovril.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 27/04/2009 23:13

I think you've just got to be uber cool about it all whilst sticking to your guns about not cooking it at home. That's your opinion and you've got every right to hold it.

How long has he been refusing to eat your food?

onagar · 27/04/2009 23:15

If there are people who feel ill at the thought of eating meat than I expect there are people who feel ill at the idea of eating vegatables. I hope DS doesn't end up that serious about it.

Better to aim for eating a bit of everything even if it is a bit difficult to arrange.

thedolly · 27/04/2009 23:16

gigglinggoblin - are you disappointed that he wants to eat meat? By cooking him the kind of food he enjoys you will be helping him by removing 'issues' about food, but not if you do it grudgingly. Stick to things like lamb/pork chops, chicken breasts and salmon fillets that can be prepared without handling them. Grill, turn once with tongs and pop on plate - 'Done' . Use foil on top of a baking tray that you can roll up (with tongs)and put in outside bin when cool. Throw out meat packaging straight away rather than putting it in the kitchen bin. Oh, and get him to do his own washing up.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 27/04/2009 23:16

Yes, because vegetables feel pain onagar.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 27/04/2009 23:19

Sorry, am being facetious. Do you think it's getting to food fear stage goblin?

theDreadPirateDavina · 27/04/2009 23:19

As a veggie with a carnivorous DH and DS - while we primarily eat vegetarian (because I'm doing 99% of the cooking), I've always encouraged DS to decide for himself. He has school meals, and I've talked to him about why some animals are 'happier' than others, so any meat in the house is free range minimum, pref organic.

Rather than a 'my house my rules', use the opportunity for a proper discussion of all the issues around vegetarianism - animal welfare, economic impact, impact on 3rd world, impact on carbon emissions etc. If he feels he's being given the freedom to think about things, then maybe the next time your XP says 'do this, your mother's wrong' maybe he'll think about that a little more deeply?...

And for reference, Waitrose seem to do the best range of free-range or organic cooked meats. We actually have a very good organic butcher near us, but I can't even go past the window on that side of the road [boak]

onagar · 27/04/2009 23:19

Animals can be killed painlessly and anyway the revulsion is over an animal already dead so kind of beside the point.
The decision not to eat animals can be based on carefully thought out principles, but revulsion is an emotional thing like a phobia.

Original poster
gigglinggoblin · 27/04/2009 23:21

Its been getting worse for a while and now he just doesnt eat quite often.

thedolly your post has made me feel ill (no offence meant!). Way more than I can cope with. ready cooked is the absolute limit.

I might talk to him about finding a happy medium (or to put it another way bribing him, I will buy meat if he starts eating the other stuff I know he likes without kicking off). Am not happy about it but am not happy now either so not much to lose I guess

OP posts:
MaryMotherOfCheeses · 27/04/2009 23:28

Okaaaaay, how about this one?

Do you have your own food phobia? Yes, I know meat is murder and all that, but to have such a revulsion at dolly's post might suggest you've got your own issues? And DS is just following in the family fashion? Just a thought to chuck into the mix, so to speak....