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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When do you accept your child has different morals to you and start to support them in that?

122 replies

gigglinggoblin · 27/04/2009 22:27

Have been wondering how to phrase a question because I know it will get tangled up in a load of rubbish as threads tend to on here so this is the long and short of it.

My morals tell me one thing. Ds is 8 and disagrees.

When do you support your child in doing stuff you feel is wrong? Its not illegal, wont get him in trouble with the police.

OP posts:
laza222 · 27/04/2009 22:48

x post!

hmmm...odd that I assumed it was the other way round. sorry!!!

How do you feel morally about cooking meat?

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 27/04/2009 22:49

Tricky cos it's not just about meat, it's about split loyalties, you and your xp.

On the other hand, if you explain to him really openly that it'll make you vom, but that you don't object to him eating meat elsewhere, then perhaps it'll be less of an issue.

Can you get him ham for sandwiches? And get him to make them himself? Or something that. Do you go to cafes where he could have meat?

ingles2 · 27/04/2009 22:49

Well how about coming to a compromise? He eats what you cook but on sat nights he can have sausages or chicken (bought cooked, eaten cold?)
How strongly do you feel?

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 27/04/2009 22:49

I am going to make a wild guess that it's either he wants to go veggie, or the rest of the family is veggie and he wants to eat meat and the issue isextra cooking for you

NorthernNell · 27/04/2009 22:50

Your house your rules - he can eat meat at dads house, but will get veggie foodat yours.

If you don't make it into a moral choice just a statement of fact i.e I don't buy meat 'cos I don't like cooking it/the taste of it sort of thing.

How about letting him make his own ham sarnies?

pointydog · 27/04/2009 22:50

ah ok. Whjen dd1 was 6 she wanted to become vegetarian. We talked, she told me things she didn't feel able to eat, I agreed.

I think you're doing the right thing. He can eat meat if he wants, he shoul say things he would like, you decide if you could cook/prepare it or not and come to a compromise.

No point at all foisting vegetarianism upon him. He may well come back to it himself if he doesn't feel pressurised.

edam · 27/04/2009 22:50

Hmm. I'm a veggie but ds does eat meat. If I'd brought him up vegetarian I'd be a. VERY pissed off about scabby ex dissing veggie food just to score points and b. think I'd say fine, when we are out at a cafe you can have sausages, but I'm not cooking them at home.

Spidermama · 27/04/2009 22:52

Gigglin I'm a veggie and I have four kids. Three of those eat meat, the other has decided to be veggie.

I worry that this issue could become about mum versus dad especially if you are not on great terms with him. Also its a polarised view.

I would tell him he can have meat, and you'll cook it for him now and again but he should learn to cook his own because you find it unpleasant to touch and deal with.

I think you need to resist putting any pressure on him to be veggie because it will become an emotional issue.

It's great he has a meat eating and a veggie parent and is well placed to make his own choices.

Good luck

edam · 27/04/2009 22:52

(I do cook meat for ds, btw, but it really really used to turn my stomach. These days I just avoid cooking anything objectionable, leave that to dh. And make sure it's all free-range/organic. Think you'd be entirely justified in saying 'OK, but I'm not cooking meat, it makes me feel ill'.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 27/04/2009 22:53

Well if he is old enough to discuss it with you he's old enough to make a choice. But it's fair for you to explain to him (preferably without too much rantiness or any suggestion that you are judging him for wanting to eat meat) that you don't want to prepare or cook it, but that he can have cooked meat in sandwiches at home and he can eat meat when you are out and about or when he is elsewhere. That will teach him about compromise and negotiation.

TheFallenMadonna · 27/04/2009 22:53

Hmm. I think it's OK for him to feel differently about this. I also think it's OK for you to continue giving him a veggie diet at home. He can eat meat when he is with his dad, or if you go out to eat, but his morals surely don't say he must eat meat, and are thus unaffected by eating a vegetarian diet at home, whereas yours would be compomised by dealing with meat.

mrsjammi · 27/04/2009 22:53

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FAQinglovely · 27/04/2009 22:53

what a fab way of introducing him to the world of cooking - you want it - you cook it

Original poster
gigglinggoblin · 27/04/2009 22:54

He does eat meat elsewhere, cafes fine, school dinners fine (well not fine but I allow it). Problem is he wont eat anything and I am worrying about his health. But then he is always ill after going to his dads so am not sure it does him much good. But then he eats nothing but crap there so not really the same.

The smell makes me want to heave. The feel of it is worse. I dont want it in my fridge, there is no way I can cook it. We would be looking at cold chicken drumsticks, must be organic, free range etc and stay ina sealed bag which gets handed to him for him to take them out.

I sound so flipping wierd now lol

OP posts:
pointydog · 27/04/2009 22:55

oo, I wouldn't liken this to smoking at all

ingles2 · 27/04/2009 22:55

Absolutely FAQ.
My 7yr old fried himself some halloumi tonight. He was very chuffed.
How about hotdogs, he could heat those in a microwave easily for an occasional treat.

tigerdriver · 27/04/2009 22:55

There's not really a moral issue here (apart from your xp's attitude but that's another matter), is there: there can't be a moral stance, surely, that says you have to eschew veg and you have to eat meat. If you've got a mixed bunch of guests and like me you're a meat eater you'd give them all a veggie meal and noone would dare complain that they haven't had their meat. But if you foisted meat on veggies they'd be right to complain (assuming they spotted what was in the stock, no I've never done that really ).

I should try not to compromise myself in all this and also not make more hassle for yourself by having to cook two lots of meals. He can have meat if he eats out or at your xp's or at school if he has school dinners, or even in his sandwiches if he doesn't (that's not too onerous unless you really object). Or maybe you can fool him with Quorn or some other stuff like that of which I don't see the point.

Original poster
gigglinggoblin · 27/04/2009 22:56

He once told me it was wrong to eat animals.... but they taste good so he was going to continue!

OP posts:
ingles2 · 27/04/2009 22:56

x posts... too smelly then

mrsjammi · 27/04/2009 22:57

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Spidermama · 27/04/2009 22:57

Not weird at all gigglin.

I'm lucky in that dh cooks meat so I don't really have to. I hate that feeling when I poke a bag in the fridge to see what's in it and it has the unmistakable flesh texture. Eurch! There's nothing like it. Meat eaters don't understand that gut wrenching horror we feel do they?

RumourOfAHurricane · 27/04/2009 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

laza222 · 27/04/2009 22:58

I wish i could stay up because I want to read the rest of this. I msut go to bed!

How do you feel about cooking meat? If you are not comfortable about doing it, then you shouldn't. Your son has the right to make that decision for himself. If he wants salami in the shopping basket then why not. But if you don't feel comfortable cooking meat for him then explain to him that you are happy for him to eat meat but you are not comfortable to cook it for him as your personal opinion is that it is not an OK thing to do. Explain that lots of people have different opinions and he needs to make his own decisions but you aren't happy cooking meat.

Also, do you have any good veggie recipes because I love veggie food.

TheFallenMadonna · 27/04/2009 22:58

Tigerdriver - you have missed the MN threads then where people have complained long and hard about not being fed their meat by vegetarian friends!

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 27/04/2009 22:58

What do you mean he's not eating anything? You mean, at your house? Cos it's veggie?