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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What started off as a fairly minor issue has now blown into a full scale argument between me and DH. Please help me see who's being unreasonable.

100 replies

EasterBump · 21/04/2009 09:54

My parents are taking our dd away for a long weekend in Majorca. She is 6 and very excited about it.

They will need to leave the house at around 4am in order to get to the airport.

Now, if it was just them going on holiday, there is no way they would ask us to take them to the airport at that time.

However, I think that seeing as they are taking our dd they just assumed that we would want to take them to the airport.

As far as I am concerned, they assumed absolutely right. Dd is particularly excited about getting up in the night. I will obviously be up anyway getting her ready. It's the first time she's done anything like this without us and I absoutely do want to be there to see her excitement and to wave her off.

Myself and DH will then have 4 days & 4 nights entirely to ourselves, so I hardly think one 4am start is too much to ask.

DH is really digging his heals in about this and saying no way is he getting up at that time.

I said to him (incredulously) "so you're quite happy to take the free childcare for the weekend and enjoy the total freedom, but you're not prepared to do 1 early start in return?" (My parents are even paying for the holiday by the way).

His reply was "it won't be total freedom though will it - because you will be there"

At this point, tears sprang to my eyes and we have not spoken since.

Also, at the time of the holiday, I will be 25weeks pregnant with a much longed for 2nd baby which I am v.v.nervous about after having suffered 5 miscarriages in a row since having dd. He is still quite happy to stay in bed whilst I do the 4am airport run on my own. -

He really doesn't see what the big deal is all about. Am I being a bit hormonal about this, or is he being completely unreasonable?

OP posts:

fircone · 21/04/2009 09:55

YANBU. Punch him.

travellingwilbury · 21/04/2009 09:56

He sounds like a plonk .

YANBU

edam · 21/04/2009 09:56

Dh is a bastard, what a horrible thing to say to you. Although I suppose, being generous, maybe he didn't mean to be quite so nasty and was just point-scoring. Still should have apologised though.

And he is being VERY selfish about the early start. FGS, your parents are taking dd on holiday, of course you should give them all a lift to the airport! If he doesn't want to come along, he's a miserable git, but you should go anyway.

So, YANBU and dh should apologise but he may not have meant the remark quite as badly as it sounds (but should say sorry if that is the case).

tinierclanger · 21/04/2009 09:57

HE is being unreasonable, and YOU are quite right. He needs a good slap with a wet fish.

I'm sure he didn't mean his comment that way, but it's a bit of a daft thing to say to any woman, let alone a pregnant one.

AnyFucker · 21/04/2009 09:57

you are being perfectly reasonable and he is not

I would have to dig further to find out what he meant by "it won't be total freedom because you will be there". WTF ??

he sounds like he is being very selfish, and there is a worrying undertone here....

Portofino · 21/04/2009 09:57

What a complete twunk!

Can you not go on the holiday too and leave him to stew in his own juices?

SusieDerkins · 21/04/2009 09:57

Hmm, my first thought is that he is being a prat and that YANBU. Was he "joking" about the freedom thing?

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 21/04/2009 09:57

He is being very unreasonable and selfish. Is this totally out of the blue, or is he generally selfish? His remark about your presence stopping him having freedom is fairly unpleasant - again, how unusual is this? Has he recently wanted to do something for himself that he was unable to do because of childcare issues/lack of money or something, which has triggered this resentment, or does he generally think that he can do what he likes and your job is to run the home and do the childcare?

Rindercella · 21/04/2009 09:59

Ok. Your DH is being an absolute arse. You are NOT being hormonal about this. He is being entirely unreasonable. I am sure there will be loads of posts saying exactly the same and perhaps you could show him those to make him see the error of his ways?

Oh, and if your husband wanted 'freedom' then he shouldn't have got married/had kids. Arse. Am v v angry on your behalf.

MamazonFirstladyofFilth · 21/04/2009 09:59

tell him
"no darling - i mean absolute freedom. Im staying at myparents whilst you learn to grow up and stip being so selfish"

he is a twunt of th highest order.

Rindercella · 21/04/2009 10:01

Portofino has a great idea there. Go on holiday with your parents & DD. Am sure you will have a great time.

TsarChasm · 21/04/2009 10:03

Oh my..that would upset me too.

I don't think you are BU at all.

The comment about the 'freedom' though...I think you need to get to the bottom of that. Or maybe it just came out and he didn't meant it to sound spiteful but it did.

Is he happy for your dd to be off abroad with gp's? I only ask because it's something my own parents have vaguley suggested before for our dd, but we decided not just for now.

tclanger · 21/04/2009 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

EasterBump · 21/04/2009 10:05

I think the freedom comment thing was probably not intended to come out quite as harshly as it did.

We get very precious little time to ourselves and have had a rough few years with all the miscarriages.

I thought we were both looking forward to spending some quality time together. We have never had this amount of time alone together since having dd, and with this pregnancy looking promising, it is unlikely that we will be getting it again anytime soon.

However, that comment and his attitude has now really made me wonder about his general feelings towards me. Even if it was blurted out, there must be some element of truth it it to make him say it.

OP posts:

littlesilversnowbeetle · 21/04/2009 10:05

I would reqire a little clarification on that comment about the freedom [read - I would rake dh over the coals repeatedly until he explained himself and apologised]

re: the early start - just tell him he's doing it, and if he wants to sulk then it's win/win, because you'll get even MORE peace and quiet

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 21/04/2009 10:05

Is it too late for you to get a ticket and go with them? I would.
He sounds selfish and immature. How old is he, 10?

OrmIrian · 21/04/2009 10:08

He is a twat!

SusieDerkins · 21/04/2009 10:09

Ask him if he'd like you to go away with your parents and dd too so that he can have some time alone.

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 21/04/2009 10:10

He is a being a complete TWAT about the early start, in fact as you are 25 weeks pregnant you should be staying in bed for a lie in whilst he takes PIL and DD to the airport. Twat.

tinierclanger · 21/04/2009 10:10

I think you just need to have a chat about the 'freedom' comment. Are you unhappy about his attitude in general or is the relationship basically ok despite the rough times. You don't necessarily want to blow this up big time. But maybe he feels he wants a little me-time. Even if that's not necessarily reasonable, it doesn't mean he's evil. Do you think he maybe feels he has spent a lot of time supporting you?

Then again, if there is something worse underlying it, you need to root it out and address.

Juxal · 21/04/2009 10:14

Unless he's joking he is being a selfish prat, and rude and unkind too. TBH I would bugger off on holiday with the others.

Wizzska · 21/04/2009 10:17

If this was me, and DH had asked if I'd minded if I did the airport run and let him have extra sleep, that would be fine. No point two people being tired when as a parent, sleep is usually at a premium. However, your DH was rude to you which was not on and he sounds like he is now being stubborn and unreasonable. The freedom comment - totally not on.

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 21/04/2009 10:18

Why is he behaving like a twat????

I am sorry but he is soooo unreasonable! He should be happy to take your parents on a normal situation let alone when they take dd away with them.

What's wrong with him?

Are you sure that there's not something else? Usually my dh does get upset at stupid things when really he's angry about a big thing that he doesn;t want to admit or bring up for some reason. I'll have a quiet chat when dd is in bed without anger and see where he leads you. Also the freedom comment is out of order. it seems there's some old resentment there.

fircone · 21/04/2009 10:20

Thinking about the 'freedom' thing, I had a big argument with dh - well, actually it lasted MONTHS in one way or another, because he said something similar.

Dh announced he was going out with a friend, and I said, "But we went out last night." So he replies, "But that's not going out." WTF? He swore he didn't mean it 'like that' but I was not impressed to say the least and he had to grovel for weeks. In fact that was about two years ago and my lip still curls at the very thought of it.

So I understand how hurtful it is to say something like that. Apart from his reluctance to do the airport run, which is just lazy and thoughtless.

YanknCock · 21/04/2009 10:21

What an arseclown.

My DH is a very timid driver, so he'd be terrified of driving to the airport, but he'd at least come with me!

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