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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What started off as a fairly minor issue has now blown into a full scale argument between me and DH. Please help me see who's being unreasonable.

100 replies

EasterBump · 21/04/2009 09:54

My parents are taking our dd away for a long weekend in Majorca. She is 6 and very excited about it.

They will need to leave the house at around 4am in order to get to the airport.

Now, if it was just them going on holiday, there is no way they would ask us to take them to the airport at that time.

However, I think that seeing as they are taking our dd they just assumed that we would want to take them to the airport.

As far as I am concerned, they assumed absolutely right. Dd is particularly excited about getting up in the night. I will obviously be up anyway getting her ready. It's the first time she's done anything like this without us and I absoutely do want to be there to see her excitement and to wave her off.

Myself and DH will then have 4 days & 4 nights entirely to ourselves, so I hardly think one 4am start is too much to ask.

DH is really digging his heals in about this and saying no way is he getting up at that time.

I said to him (incredulously) "so you're quite happy to take the free childcare for the weekend and enjoy the total freedom, but you're not prepared to do 1 early start in return?" (My parents are even paying for the holiday by the way).

His reply was "it won't be total freedom though will it - because you will be there"

At this point, tears sprang to my eyes and we have not spoken since.

Also, at the time of the holiday, I will be 25weeks pregnant with a much longed for 2nd baby which I am v.v.nervous about after having suffered 5 miscarriages in a row since having dd. He is still quite happy to stay in bed whilst I do the 4am airport run on my own. -

He really doesn't see what the big deal is all about. Am I being a bit hormonal about this, or is he being completely unreasonable?

OP posts:

Juxal · 21/04/2009 10:22

Would he not be getting up to say goodbye to your dd anyway?

ABetaDad · 21/04/2009 10:33

YANBU and he should be getting up and he should not have said that ...BUT... is he perhaps worried about DD going away?

TBH there is a part of me that would say absolutely no way if either my parents or PILs said they were taking our DSs to Majorca. Does he feel he was not consulted so now the evil day has come he is really unhappy and doing and saying things that are out of character? Sometimes we all say things that come out wrong.

Talk to him and ask if he is worried. Reassure him if he is. Tell him you are looking forward to your 4 days together and that you asumed he was joking. Take the time to talk and really get to know each other again - have a lovely four days together. Don't let this ruin it.

Of course, I am not saying you shoud not milk it a bit. I have no doubt he feels bad and will actually get up anyway.

Juxal · 21/04/2009 10:35

Would he not be getting up to say goodbye to your dd anyway?

Juxal · 21/04/2009 10:36

Oops, don't know what happened there

savoycabbage · 21/04/2009 10:40

YANBU at all but you need to try and sort it all out before your dd goes or your precious time together will be ruined.

MistyGee · 21/04/2009 10:41

YANBU, If you're 25 weeks pregnant and have had MCs before then he should totally be helping you out in all aspects and being supportive, not being rude and unhelpful.
I think portofino's idea of going with your DD to majorca is great. At least you'll get to relax and maybe he'll realise his 'freedom' ain't so good when he has to cook, clean etc for himself and he's missing you and DD.
Hope you can work it out cause he's being a bit of a prat IMO. And congrats on your pregnancy

Original poster

EasterBump · 21/04/2009 10:41

Exactly Juxal - I just don't see where he's coming from with this. I really don't.

He even said "why can't she just stay with them the night before, or get them to book a minibus or something?"

Tinierclanger - He probably does feel that he has supported me through a lot over the last few years, and I know that if it was just his decision we would have given up ttc long ago.

However, it has hardly been a barrel of laughs for me either.

My appreciation for his support is also part of the reason that I agreed to him spending a vast amount of money (which we can ill afford) on a week's holiday with some friends earlier this year.

I am just so sad to discover that this is how he really feels about me.

OP posts:

Spidermama · 21/04/2009 10:41

Can I be the voice of dissent?

I don't see why both of you should get up at 4am. If I were you, I'd get up by myself at 4am but negotiate something from him at the other end of the day (eg he makes and clears up after dinner) because you'll be tired and he'll be nicely rested.

Obviously his 'freedom' comment was cruel and out of order but not having been there I don't know much about the context and we all say mean things now and again when we're being upset and irrational.

After five miscarriages I would imagine you're both under a great deal of stress and it will inevitably show in your relationship.

I hope you can enjoy your break.

Nekabu · 21/04/2009 10:42

"His reply was "it won't be total freedom though will it - because you will be there"

At this point, tears sprang to my eyes and we have not spoken since."

You are achieving nothing by not speaking to him. You need to tell him how hurtful his comment was and ask what he meant by it. YANBU though, that was very unkind of him and it wouldn't kill him to get his butt out of bed and take them to the airport whilst you go back to bed after they've driven off.

TrillianAstra · 21/04/2009 10:45

My original thought was like Spidermama's - surely it only takes one of you to drive them to the airport.

"it won't be total freedom though will it - because you will be there!"

That, however, is grounds for a very serious argument. Why would he want you gone, exactly?

kitbit · 21/04/2009 10:54

I'd be less worried about waving dd off and driving to the airport to be honest. If he doesn't want to get up, let him lie asleep it doesn't matter that much if he wants to be grumpy about it.
I'd be more pissed off by the freedom comment and would be asking if he wants you to go to Mallorca with them so he can have some "proper" freedom. More importantly I'd be asking if he wants to start this elusive freedom by sleeping on the couch.

snowmummy · 21/04/2009 10:55

YANBU at all.

I'd book and go away with the parents and DD.

dittany · 21/04/2009 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

EasterBump · 21/04/2009 10:59

Well, I think that is the basis of his original train of thought, Spidermama.

He can't see why it needs 2 of us to go to the airport.

Now, from a purely logistical point of view, clearly it does not take 2 of us to do it.

However, even if he offered to do the trip alone ,there is no way I would miss out on waving off our dd and sharing in her excitement just for a couple of extra hours in bed.

And it hurts me that he does not feel the same way.

I will probably cry a bit when they go off to the departure lounge and I would like him to be there with me.

Shouldn't we both feel the mixture of a little bit of sadness saying goodbye along with the excitement of our long weekend of peace together?

Rather than just me feeling all that and driving back alone whilst he lies in bed not giving a t0ss.

OP posts:

orangina · 21/04/2009 11:16

Does "serious freedom" for him maybe represent the chance to go out w his mates and not have to think about the stress that all of the miscarriages have put on you both? Perhaps he just needs time out from all of that?

I'm not excusing him at all, it was a horrible thing to say, but I agree that you do need to talk about it (preferably not in anger) to understand what he meant by that. It may not be as awful as you are imagining (damn those hormones!)...

Nekabu · 21/04/2009 11:21

"Shouldn't we both feel the mixture of a little bit of sadness saying goodbye along with the excitement of our long weekend of peace together?"

Why? If he doesn't feel the same way as you and doesn't think it's that big a deal, then he doesn't. You can't force him to feel a certain way. You want to wave your dd goodbye, he is perfectly happy to wish her bon voyage the night before. I think the hurtful comment and the fact you're not talking to him is the thing that needs addressing.

MmeLindt · 21/04/2009 11:27

I agree with Spidermum. Just because you are excited about waving your DD off on holiday, does not mean that he is feeling the same. I suspect my DH would have reacted in the same way, not understanding why it takes 2 people to drive them to the airport.

His comment about total freedom was just nasty, but sometimes we say things we do not mean. Is this normal for him or a one off?

I do think that you have to speak to him and tell him that his comment upset you.

You have both been under a lot of stress with TTC and the miscarriages, you need to get this sorted asap so that you can relax and enjoy your break together without any bad feeling.

Acinonyx · 21/04/2009 11:30

I love my sleep. If it were us, it would be dh going to the airport and I'd stay in bed I'm afraid. If you are going anyway - then why should he go too? I don't think I would. Actually, I think we'd just take her there the night before.

But the other comment - that is very hurtful and some discussion is needed there.

jumpingbeans · 21/04/2009 11:31

He is being a total knob, go away with your family for the weekend and leave at home on his own, take all the credit/debit cards by "mistake" and let him stew for the weekend!

girlfriend101 · 21/04/2009 11:43

Firstly I hope you are ok as you sound pretty exhausted and upset.

I think the hardest thing to learn is that the way a father feels towards DD is completely different from the mother. It doesnt mean that either way is right or wrong. The fact that this is the first time DD is going away makes it harder for you. Be strong there.

In regards to the comment, just look into it but I wouldnt honestly blow it completely out of proportion. I had an argument last night with my DH as he took a harmless comment I had made whilst watching a film whilst he was reading the newspaper, completely out of context. He ended up being really upset with me and not sleeping in our bed but on the sofa. It was horrible because I couldnt make him realise that I didnt mean it in the way he had taken it. My long winded point (sorry) being is that he probably didnt mean it.

I can imagine you are both so exhausted and anxious about your pregnancy after so many miscarraiges. (I've had one and it was awful, so my heart goes out to you both after coping with five) In my opinion, take your parents and DD to the airport, come home and just climb back into bed next to DH. Use the time to really relax and do things that you dont usually do together.

Good luck

nametaken · 21/04/2009 11:52

YABU - If there's gonna be a 4am start then at least let one person stay in bed.

lizziemun · 21/04/2009 11:56

YANBU

I would give him all the 'freedom' he wants, by going to your parents the night before with dd and then staying at your parents for the weekend.

Can i ask when you are going on holiday/break before your dc2 is born as i see he has already had a holiday this year with freinds (which you say you could 'ill afford') and your parents are taking dd away.

MorrisZapp · 21/04/2009 12:11

I'd also be happy to stay in bed if there's any 4am stuff needing dealt with - luckily my DP is a morning person so I never have to face the ungodly small hours! Your DH is not being that unreasonable on that score from what you've posted.

But the freedom comment is another issue entirely - you need to find out if he was just being a bit grumpy or if he really feels that way.

BTW I kind of know what the guy on another post meant when he said 'but that isn't going out' about a night out with his wife. I love my DP very very dearly, but I don't think of a night 'a deaux' as going out. That's something I do with the girls, or in a group with DP.

Original poster

EasterBump · 21/04/2009 12:31

Lizziemum - I am afraid there is ZERO chance of me getting a holiday this year.

This weekend to ourselves is as much of a holiday as I am going to get.

Thinking about it - the really sad thing about that, is I hadn't even noticed that was the case until you pointed it out!

Hmmmm.... a bit again now.

OP posts:

VinegarTitsThePorker · 21/04/2009 12:32

Men are programmed differently to us, you cant expect him to feel the same as you regarding your dd and waving her off, men are generally more practical and logical in thier thinking, were as women generally think with their emotions

I actually think it would be more upsetting for your dd to have you there at the airport, all tearful, she will feel sad leaving you, i think your dh suggetion of her staying at gp's the night before is quite a sensible one, you can still wave her off from your front door, and it wont be as big an imapct for either of you

You need to talk and address the freedom comment though

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