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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What started off as a fairly minor issue has now blown into a full scale argument between me and DH. Please help me see who's being unreasonable.

100 replies

EasterBump · 21/04/2009 09:54

My parents are taking our dd away for a long weekend in Majorca. She is 6 and very excited about it.

They will need to leave the house at around 4am in order to get to the airport.

Now, if it was just them going on holiday, there is no way they would ask us to take them to the airport at that time.

However, I think that seeing as they are taking our dd they just assumed that we would want to take them to the airport.

As far as I am concerned, they assumed absolutely right. Dd is particularly excited about getting up in the night. I will obviously be up anyway getting her ready. It's the first time she's done anything like this without us and I absoutely do want to be there to see her excitement and to wave her off.

Myself and DH will then have 4 days & 4 nights entirely to ourselves, so I hardly think one 4am start is too much to ask.

DH is really digging his heals in about this and saying no way is he getting up at that time.

I said to him (incredulously) "so you're quite happy to take the free childcare for the weekend and enjoy the total freedom, but you're not prepared to do 1 early start in return?" (My parents are even paying for the holiday by the way).

His reply was "it won't be total freedom though will it - because you will be there"

At this point, tears sprang to my eyes and we have not spoken since.

Also, at the time of the holiday, I will be 25weeks pregnant with a much longed for 2nd baby which I am v.v.nervous about after having suffered 5 miscarriages in a row since having dd. He is still quite happy to stay in bed whilst I do the 4am airport run on my own. -

He really doesn't see what the big deal is all about. Am I being a bit hormonal about this, or is he being completely unreasonable?

OP posts:

alicet · 21/04/2009 14:14

I am with the posters who say that it seems silly for you both getting up for a 4am trip to the airport. I would probably feel like you that I would want to see ds off but you can't make your dh feel like this tbh. It doesn't mean he cares about your dd less than you or that he will miss her less, just that he genuinely can't get why seeing her off at the airport rather than the house makes any difference to that. I also agree that ideally the person who is pg should not be the person doing the airport run but then again you have said you want to be there so the fact that he wants to stay in bed is not imho something to get this upset over.

The frredom comment was low and out of order (YANBU being upset about this) but I don't think anything is being gained by not talking to your dh and telling him how much it upset you. This is just making a one off comment, which may or may not have been meant to be as nasty as it came out, into something much much worse. If you don't talk to him and tell him how much it upset you and get to the bottom of why he feels like that (if indeed he really does and it wasn't a throw away frustrated comment) you will end up spoiling the break and this may well lead to bigger problems in the future.

I think our ability to communicate and not let things fester has been what has been what has led dh and I to grow stronger with the birth of 2 boys in quick succession which has been a stressful time. If we hadn't talked about things that either of us had found upsetting I think at the moment we would be too far apart to have any hope of sorting it out now. And compared to most there has been nothing major happening to cause a rift but these sort of throw away comments and resentments could have ended our marriage if we didn't address them.

Clearly it is a very very strssful time for you so none of this is meant to come accross as negative of how you are handling things by the way. Good luck getting it sorted and rekindling things with your dh (even if platonic) this weekend...

MuffinBaker · 21/04/2009 14:18

Anyfucker - we also abstained for 3 x 9 months too. Not odd at all.

funkybuddah · 21/04/2009 14:18

YANBU, i think he was being a complete isiot.

In your shoes i would plan something to do every day and night, even if its just cinema/swimming/havinga loooong soak in the evening, basicly anythign but spending time with him, maybe he will learn to be more tactful

TitsalinaBumsquash · 21/04/2009 14:22

YANBU on any acount your dp is being insensitive.

FWIW i would be a little tearfull at dropping my sons off at the airport for thier first holiday away from me.

Also FWIW i had 6 m/c's inb etween my 2 boys and i was told to not have sex as anything was proving to be a risk, dp didn't bat an eyelid he was very understanding.

I think you need to sit dp down and explain how this has made you feel and then plan some nice, relaxing things for you to do as a couple and some seperate for your break from dd.

alicet · 21/04/2009 14:26

Pinktulips post is very sinsible and well thought out.

OP if you follow the advice of those who are suggesting that you spend the weekend ignoring your dh and doing just what you want I think this will lead to a lot of built up resentment and bitterness in your marriage that you will have much bigger problems than a relatively minor (albeit burtful) disagreement. Addressing how you feel with your dh could sort out any misunderstanding and help you both the have the quality break together that you clearly want

alicet · 21/04/2009 14:26

sensible not sinsible

PinkTulips · 21/04/2009 14:30

i can be sinsible too when the mood takes me

hedgiemum · 21/04/2009 14:35

Easterbump - I'm also around 25 weeks pregnant, and dh and I have having rows in the opposite direction, as he is being hyper-protective about me driving much at all! Frankly, what with feeling sick one minute, dizzy the next, in between fairly strong braxton hicks and with a history of pre-term labour, a night trip to the airport would be left to him at the moment.

I agree with everyone else;
-Tell him how hurt his comment made you feel.
-Check he's really happy with dd going away
-make some nice plans together for your time alone.

ABetaDad · 21/04/2009 15:46

EasterBump - I agree with PinkTulips/Alicet just above this post.

Reading back through the thread again, my initial thought was (and is still) that your DH is being unreasonable at about not wanting to get up at 4.00 a.m but I did also sense his comment was meant to be a joke that came out wrong and I picked up an 'edge' to it that might reflect something else. You are clearly and are very understandably upset but I am inclined to think he did not mean it the way it sounded and also probably immediatley regretted it even if he will not admit it to you.

Reading your later posts it is clear that there is an awful lot of emotion and tension behind the scenes and as I commented on another thread about my own marriage - sometimes arguements are not really about the thing you are arguing about but a proxy for other issues.

I know that during the time me and my wife were TTC which was equally terrible as your experience it was an awful time for my wife and utterly emotionally draining for me.

Giving your DH the benefit of the doubt on the 'joke' comment I suspect that what he may perhaps be saying is 'I am at the end of my tether and I cannot go on like this because it is making me unhappy and you unhappy'. He seems to have been very supportive so far.

I would do what hedgiemum says and perhaps also some of what rebecca2 says. Surely a little very very gentle physical intimacy (just kissing, cuddling, touching) with lots and lots of talking to DH surely could not hurt the baby and would give you both a chance to resolve a lot of things?

He might be just as upset about DD going away and as worried about the PG as you are but is struggling to deal with that and it has come out in a strange and upsetting way.

Don't let it drag on though - these four days are the last ones you will have alone together for a while.

I hope it all turns out well.

IheartNY · 21/04/2009 16:07

You really do need to resolve this before the weekend gets here or you'll really regret wasting this time together over an argument!

Can you sit down with him once your DD is in bed and tell him that the comment about not having freedom with you there really upset you and for him to explain what he meant?

Maybe also compromise and admit that you dont both need to see DD to the airport (although I totally agree with you that its only fair one of you drives them there seeing as they are taking your DD on holiday!!)

Have a think about some nice things you and DH can do together while you are alone and talk about them with DH to start the conversation rolling. Nice restaurants you want to eat at, the cinema etc

Hope you get it sorted out x

mumto2andnomore · 21/04/2009 16:29

He sounds very selfish, I dont see why he should take your parents to the airport even if your dd was not going, lots of men would.

I agree that you might be upset too, and not in the best state to drive.

Hope you can have a chat with him and sort things out, good luck.

KittyBigglesworth · 21/04/2009 16:33

EasterBump, I'm sorry to read that you're having a difficult time. As you're pregnant,YANBU, I think that you DH should be doing the driving at 4am, if anyone. It's hard when you're sharing a joint worry and have other aspects of your own lives that present their own different pressures. These 4 days are important to you both and this can sometimes add to the stress - you know that it thise freedom won't occur again for a while and both want to make the most of it. What about asking him what he'd like to do over those days? If he's tired from working hard and wants to take it easy, I'd just let it be. I wouldn't go in for the earnest talk, just keep it lighthearted and have some fun. Sometimes, people open even more when there isn't the pressure of talking about serious topics.

I don't know how tight money is for your family but we have a solution for the dreaded early morning flight. Getting to the airport is often a huge stress in itself - unpredictable traffic jams on the motorway, the strain of ensuring that you get them to the airport in time (I usually take my parents to the airport)etc so why not just book a room in an airport hotel for the evening before the flight? It makes the whole experience much more relaxing.
This has a number of benefits, the pressure of time is gone! No tense conversations with an eye on the clock! Travelling the evening before, allows you all to travel together and that way, you can both say goodbye to your daughter! As far as she'll be concerned, the night of the airport hotel stay will be like the beginning of the holiday anyway! You could drop the luggage off in the room and then go and have a pot of tea or a meal together in the hotel, finally wishing your farewells in the comfort of the hotel surroundings as opposed to the awful sterility of the airport. Not as embarrassing to cry there either! Try your hardest not to cry in front of your daughter though or she may feel like she's doing something wrong by going on holiday without you. Make it as fun and positive as possible for her, I'm sure you would do anyway.
About that comment by your husband, I think it's just his stress manifesting itself. I wouldn't take it too personally but you might both benefit from a little time away from each other each week just doing what you both enjoy. You know what they say about the heart and absence!

bohemianbint · 21/04/2009 16:43

wow - it gets worse; he's had his "total freedom" ie holiday with his mates and you get diddly? This whole situation is rubbish, can you really not go with them? Although I agree you need to thrash him this out with him first, I'd need to know where he was coming from with that snidey remark.

Hope you get it sorted.

tinseltot · 21/04/2009 16:44

Your dh is being a total fuckwit. YANBU at all. He needs to pull himself together and give you some support. Maybe you should arrange to go away yourself that weekend and spend time relaxing in a spa with a friend or 2. You'll doubtless have a much nicer time than if you stay at home with dh.

namechangerforareason · 21/04/2009 17:02

He is a wanker

Tas1 · 21/04/2009 17:03

He's being a complete twat, tell him he's doing the airport run whether he likes it or not!

amicissima · 21/04/2009 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMagooo · 21/04/2009 17:34

YANBU to be upset by the freedom comment....however I do agree that both of you getting up at 4am isn't needed.

Dads work differently to us mums, they will be just as happy to wave DC off at home & duck back under the covers again, I'm sure many mums would be happy to do that too at 4am

Perhaps he isn't altogether happy about DD going, perhaps he just doesn't see the need for him to drive her when you are able to do so if you wish to, perhaps he is worried about your current PG but it's all coming out wrong.

I do think you need to sit him down & talk to him, find out what's really wrong & do it before DD goes away so that you can enjoy your time together whilst DD is on holiday.

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 21/04/2009 17:52

amicissima great post.

amicissima · 21/04/2009 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DandyLioness · 21/04/2009 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnyFucker · 21/04/2009 18:51

OP, come back and tell us if you have spoken to him

fledtoscotland · 21/04/2009 19:21

Sod him. do and stay in your parents house for the weekend and have your own "mini break". pamper yourself, lie in, watch films that you like. let him stew.

troutpout · 21/04/2009 20:04

ooh lol at fledtoscotlands idea !
I like your style

islandofsodor · 21/04/2009 20:29

YANBU

I would gladly take my parents to the airport at 4am in the morning regardless and dh has in the past picked them up at 2am. They have done the same for us . If I was heavily pg then of course dh would do it.

Family help each other out.

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