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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What started off as a fairly minor issue has now blown into a full scale argument between me and DH. Please help me see who's being unreasonable.

100 replies

EasterBump · 21/04/2009 09:54

My parents are taking our dd away for a long weekend in Majorca. She is 6 and very excited about it.

They will need to leave the house at around 4am in order to get to the airport.

Now, if it was just them going on holiday, there is no way they would ask us to take them to the airport at that time.

However, I think that seeing as they are taking our dd they just assumed that we would want to take them to the airport.

As far as I am concerned, they assumed absolutely right. Dd is particularly excited about getting up in the night. I will obviously be up anyway getting her ready. It's the first time she's done anything like this without us and I absoutely do want to be there to see her excitement and to wave her off.

Myself and DH will then have 4 days & 4 nights entirely to ourselves, so I hardly think one 4am start is too much to ask.

DH is really digging his heals in about this and saying no way is he getting up at that time.

I said to him (incredulously) "so you're quite happy to take the free childcare for the weekend and enjoy the total freedom, but you're not prepared to do 1 early start in return?" (My parents are even paying for the holiday by the way).

His reply was "it won't be total freedom though will it - because you will be there"

At this point, tears sprang to my eyes and we have not spoken since.

  • Also, at the time of the holiday, I will be 25weeks pregnant with a much longed for 2nd baby which I am v.v.nervous about after having suffered 5 miscarriages in a row since having dd. He is still quite happy to stay in bed whilst I do the 4am airport run on my own. -

He really doesn't see what the big deal is all about. Am I being a bit hormonal about this, or is he being completely unreasonable?

OP posts:
MuffinBaker · 21/04/2009 12:36

Some men are wired differently and wouldn't get emotional about their child going away without them. Just the way it is.

Your real problem is the fact that he obviously wants some time alone and you really need to talk about it now or this new baby could be being born to a single parent family.

He is still an idiot though.

GrinnyPig · 21/04/2009 12:41

I agree with vinegartits. I know my DH would stay in bed under the same circumstances and would think nothing of it. It would irritate me that he didn't feel the need to get up, but it doesn't mean he's a heartless bastard.

The freedom comment would bug me, but again, I suspect it wasn't meant in the way you have taken it.

Have a relaxing few days. It would a pity to waste it by arguing...

aGalChangedHerName · 21/04/2009 12:42

Can't believe anyone wouldn't get up to wave their little 4 yr old dd off on holiday I would and i know my DH would too.

What a nasty comment to make (the total freedom one) Is there any way you could go away with dd? I'm not sure i would want to spend a weekend with DH after those kind of comments tbh.

My DH may be programmed differently but he feels the same about our dc as i do FWIW.

lowenergylightbulb · 21/04/2009 12:44

a) if one person should stay in bed it should be the person who is fecking pregnant.

b) I can't understand why anyone would stay in bed and not see their kid off.

c) The freedom comment was well out of order. Very nasty.

2rebecca · 21/04/2009 12:48

I don't see why it takes 2 of you to go to the airport at 4am so think you are being unrealistic re that. To me 4 days isn't long enough to get tearful about, and your daughter is going with her grandparents so why are you getting upset?
The comment re it not being a break if you're there is upsetting, but perhaps your emotionality at the moment is a bit wearing.

2rebecca · 21/04/2009 12:51

She's 6 not 4. My son had been away for a week with his dad several times at this point (we're divorced), if I cried tearfully every time the kids went to stay with their dad I'd feel a right emotional blackmailer.

squeaver · 21/04/2009 12:54

I'm not sure both of us would get up to go to the airport at that time tbh BUT it's obviously important (and potentially emotional) for you and your dh should be supportive of that.

As for the other comment, well, of course he's being a twunt. So this is what I would do: plan the 4 days as if you were going to be entirely on your own. What would you do? See friends? Spa treatment? Hairdressers? Bit of shopping?

Then say to him "here are my plans for the weekend - what are you going to be doing?"

Original poster
EasterBump · 21/04/2009 12:58

I am not saying that I am going to be a complete emotional wreck at the airport!

I am fairly confident that I will be able hold off the tears whilst dd is still there, and may not even cry at all.

I just feel that under the set of circumstances (risky stressful pregnancy, dd going away, early morning drive alone, etc....) the 4am start wouldn't be too much to ask of Dh.

OP posts:
aGalChangedHerName · 21/04/2009 13:01

YANBU!!!

You don't have to explain yourself. It's weird that a parent wouldn't want to see their dc off. He should want to as much as you do eh?

VinegarTitsThePorker · 21/04/2009 13:05

tbh i dont think getting up early and driving to the airport will be particulaly stressful for you, do you drive to other places alone? ok you might be upset on the drive home, but she is going away for 4 days not 4 years, if it were me i would be more excited about driving back home and getting back into bed for an early morning 'loud' shag, my hormones were ragging when i was pg

But i appriciate not everyone is the same

noddyholder · 21/04/2009 13:09

I would be hurt i think.I would hope the 'holiday' from being parents would start from the minute we were alone.You could have a romantic breakfast and go back to bed he is being very mean

RyanAirVeteran · 21/04/2009 13:09

I just feel that under the set of circumstances (risky stressful pregnancy,......

How often are you using the PG to get him to do things you want to do ??

That last sentence rang alarm bells for me, I had a friend who struggled to conceive, and when she finally did she used it as a means of getting her own way, on almost everything.

Original poster
EasterBump · 21/04/2009 13:09

After losing 5 babies in the last few years, rampant shagging at 25 weeks pregnant is not likely I am afraid.

OP posts:
Flo23 · 21/04/2009 13:09

YANBU.

I don't think I would mind if DH stayed in bed, but I would seriously mind his attitude. Even if he doesn't want to get up, his lack of support doesn't bode well for rest of pregnancy/ coping with newborn baby.

Having time to yourselves should be lovely, knowing your DD is being looked after by grandparents. Shame it will now be overshadowed by this instead of you looking forward to it.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and try to make the most of this time to yourself. Hopefully your DH will realise how insensitive he is being.

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/04/2009 13:17

I agree with Spdermama - don't see why 2 people should get up at some godforsaken hour. And even though you would like to see you daughter off, I can understand that he may not feel the same way. He can say goodbye to your dd in the morning before you leave.

Do think that what he said to you was a hurtful comment, however rather than fester about what he said and look for hidden meanings into what he really feels about tyou, tell him that what he said was really hurtful and he has pissed you off. Then leave it, enjoy your weekend together.

2rebecca · 21/04/2009 13:30

If your miscarriages were early miscarriages then sex won't affect your pregnancy and I'm surprised an obstetrician has told you it will. Are you planning no sex the whole 40 weeks? It sounds odd.

piratecat · 21/04/2009 13:30

address the hurtful comment.

we are all different, and obviously your dd going away is a big deal for you and her. I think in your situation I would take this time to get to the bottom of where you both stand. Sometimes resentment, talks that haven't been had, and pent up emotions need to be dealt with.

When you're in the middle of it, soemtimes you just don't see it. I know this to the cost of my marriage.

How far are your parents from you. I might be inclined to go and stay over there the night before.

troutpout · 21/04/2009 13:31

65 mnetters cannot be wrong

piratecat · 21/04/2009 13:33

2rebecca, maybe that's the op's persoanl choice?

Also, you may well be used to your dc giong away, but you aren ot in same situation as op.

PinkTulips · 21/04/2009 13:34

playing devils advocate here;

you say you've been ttc for ages with 5 mc's? i presume yor dh has supported you through all of that despite not understanding why you were doing it or wanting anotrher child that badly himself? i presume there's been alot of emotions involved and you've been justifiably upset and hormonal quite often? maybe he's exhausted from all that and it's overshadowing his perception of you these days? it's still an ugly comment but we all say things in anger that come out crueler than we meant them to be.

you've been looking forward to this weekend for ages.... by any chance have you been making tonnes of plans and booking the weekend solid with stuff you want to do as a couple when quite possibly all he wants to do is relax and unwind for a weekend? watch tv or play videogames with no child pestering him that sort of thing?

are you sure he's happy about dd flying off with her grandparents? maybe he doesn't want to go to the airport because he doesn't trust his own emotions.... my dp is already freaking out about me taking ds2 on a plane in june

fwiw, i kinda agree with the poster who said booking the a taxi and dropping dd off the night before would be a better idea.... i'd want to see off my kids too but tbh it would probably be nicer if they weren't overwhelmed by a hormonal emotional goodbye at the airport.... how much more exciting to have the holiday start the day before at the grandparents house, do the early run with them and get on the plane without having to see mommy holding back tears.

MuffinBaker · 21/04/2009 13:34

2rebecca - opinions like that won't help the OP.

lizziemun · 21/04/2009 13:48

I'm sorry i didn't mean to make you .

Nyx · 21/04/2009 13:49

EasterBump, imo YANBU, for either the wanting him to go to the airport with you, or not speaking to him at the moment. My DH may have had the same tendency to want to stay in bed/not see the point of both going to the airport etc, but he'd still have done it.

As for the 'freedom' comment - I would have seriously gone ballistic! Selfish knob. Even if he didn't mean it - he should not have said it, and should now be apologising. What a prat. And he's been on holiday, and you're not getting one? Arse.

I hope you can have a good cathartic yell at him to clear the air once dd is on holiday, and that your weekend won't be ruined. All the best to you from me!

Poppity · 21/04/2009 14:08

Hope your ok.
Just wanted to say YANBU on all counts.
What a meanie

AnyFucker · 21/04/2009 14:10

2rebecca

I had several early mc's

During my successful pgs, we did not have sex for the whole 9 months (and for a few wks afterwards). DH was very understanding and never pressured me

there is nothing "odd" about it, you are making un-necessary assumptions there