to refuse to take 8k of debt on for dp?

[namechangeasdpisalurker]

Ive name changed for this.dp is insistant that he wants a new car, fair enough. He works, i dont. Past history - he has ex-w and when i first got with him he had debts... lots of debts,long story cut short is he blamed the ex-w for spending so much, but now im thinking " yeah, right". we have 2 dc and one has dla. I run the house on tax credits and child benefit, i pay all the household bills and buy stuff for the kids, dp runs his car and gives ex-w money for their kids.Dc's dla is put into her bank account and left for if/when something is needed...its not my money its hers..dp asked how much she has and stupdly i told him about 2k.Next thing i know he's asking for DC money to fund car.We go to PIL's yesterday and he tells them he's going to get new car, and that he's got 2k.MIL says she'll give him the same...so now he's "got" 4k. Back home he has dsd with him and is telling her about new car he wants,and how he can affored a "new" one now.Im very pissed off by now and say if your getting dd's dla for it ,do you intend paying her back? DSD looks [shocked] and says "***'s" money? all confused.DP says yes, but looks annoyed. Then i ask how on earth can he affored a new car? and point out he wont get finance as his previous credit history is pants. He replys i know i cant get finance, but you we can! .Then i say no, im not doing it, couldnt anyway as i gave up work to look after dd full time. Am really annoyed at dp, as he doesnt think he's done anything wrong. So AIBU?

He has £160 a week left over to spend on himself after he has paid off ex-p, paid off car bills. He wants money if he gets milk. You have £20 a week left over after feeding, sheltering and clothing your (that's yours and his) children.

Read that aloud to yourself.

TBH, I think the car is the tip of the iceberg. I'm not suggesting you leave him or anything but I think you need to be having a chat about priorities. When you are a parent you have to make sacrifices for you children. You don't always have to like it but you do it.

My DH doesn't earn very much, I earn more than him but he would give me his last penny to spend on myself.

Namechange: you have posted that he is good with the DC and willing to give his time - it's for you to decide whether that makes him worth the money he costs. It's probable that, because he actually has money and doesn;t share it with the family, that you will start to resent him soon (a person who doesn't have any money or any ability/inclination to earn it is less unappealing in human-pet terms, presuming that s/he has other good qualities, than one who has money but won't share.)

Threads like this remind me of all the mn posters who are obsessed with marriage as being for the financial protection of the woman. Given how many women seem to be perfectly good at taking financial care of themselves and their children, in the short and long term; and how many men stand to gain enormously from women's hard work and organisational abilities by merging their affairs; why do so many people persist in this stone age view that a marriage certificate is some kind of material security?

Rights to pension, life insurance etc when widowed.

Christ what a prick of the highest [or should that be lowest?] order.Am stunned at what some women put up with.
What does he spend his £160 a week on? That's grocery shopping for two weeks.

So, in a way, it's using DD's DLA money to pay his ex-wife's maintenance?
Up to you, I guess

what's ringing the alarm bells for me is 1)the dishonesty about his earlier debts 2)the readiness to spend DD's/parents' money and 3)the way you are talking about him like a wayward teen in terms of getting him to contribute financially/not fritter money.

Quick update: last night he came in from work and as usual had tea and got kids to bed.He went to front room to watch tv and i followed him and turned it off. After all the posts yesterday i was not going to let this slide! So i sat down and told him i wasn't happy, that he is taking the piss and im a fool for letting this go on so long.He sat quietly just listening.Taking the piss out of me, his parents was bad enough ,but its downright digusting he wants to do the same to our disabled daughter. At this point he asked how is he taking the piss? .Im very now so i called him a cocklodger( thanks posters),and said if he wants to continue to be a part of our lives( me and dc) then he has to grow up and pay his way.I thought he'd get angry back but was very quiet.He asked what he had to do to prove he wants to stay ,so i gave him the list of expences/bills i have and told him he must contribute ,no more free-loading! He opened his wallet and gave me £70 there and then!.Dp has promised to give me money every week now and has asked me to hold money for him to save for a car.He spent most of last night online searching for cars around 3k.

Brilliant news!

It should be a regular standing order though, not the occasional emptying of wallet.

Well its a small step , am thinking he's a work in progress.Still going to have a talk to the PIL's, they cant keep bailing him out.

Sodusn mroe positive but agree it needs to be a formal regular transfer of cash not as and when he remembers.

~Sounds to me like he knew he was taking the P!

I bet no one has ever shown him how much it costs to live in the real world. I'm not blaming you, but because everything he wants/needs just turns up he has never thought about 'who' pays for them.

wow, what an arse!

Yanbu. By the way I would move your DCs money into a child trust fund thingy or a child account so that it obviously belongs to your DC. Oh and give your DH a good talking to.

That's great. If he is clueless rather than a con artist or a scrounger, he may well shape up now so I would say give him a good chance to do so (as you have already posted that he pulls his weight round the house and with the DC in non-monetary terms so he doesn;t seem to fit the stereotype of the lazy, selfish, cocklodger who does nothing except be there).

LOL at cocklodger - you do have a trenchant turn of phrase

Read your first page and then this last one. Oh how I love a happy ending! I'm in charge of our finances and DP has to give me a set amount each month equal to what I put in. I keep a spread sheet of our monthly finances so I know where our money goes. I did take a £9,000 loan to clear his debts as it made more sense in the long run in terms of better interest etc. I won't tell my Mum though as she'd say I was stupid!

Solid... What a great post Thu 16-Apr-09 14:31:07

This thread makes me sad. It reminds me of life with my x, when he used to swan around in a lovely car and I had to negotiate for every tiny little thing I needed I mean needed too. THings for the children, play group sessions. It was torture.

glad he has had a turnaround.

long may it continue