to refuse to take 8k of debt on for dp?

[namechangeasdpisalurker]

Ive name changed for this.dp is insistant that he wants a new car, fair enough. He works, i dont. Past history - he has ex-w and when i first got with him he had debts... lots of debts,long story cut short is he blamed the ex-w for spending so much, but now im thinking " yeah, right". we have 2 dc and one has dla. I run the house on tax credits and child benefit, i pay all the household bills and buy stuff for the kids, dp runs his car and gives ex-w money for their kids.Dc's dla is put into her bank account and left for if/when something is needed...its not my money its hers..dp asked how much she has and stupdly i told him about 2k.Next thing i know he's asking for DC money to fund car.We go to PIL's yesterday and he tells them he's going to get new car, and that he's got 2k.MIL says she'll give him the same...so now he's "got" 4k. Back home he has dsd with him and is telling her about new car he wants,and how he can affored a "new" one now.Im very pissed off by now and say if your getting dd's dla for it ,do you intend paying her back? DSD looks [shocked] and says "***'s" money? all confused.DP says yes, but looks annoyed. Then i ask how on earth can he affored a new car? and point out he wont get finance as his previous credit history is pants. He replys i know i cant get finance, but you we can! .Then i say no, im not doing it, couldnt anyway as i gave up work to look after dd full time. Am really annoyed at dp, as he doesnt think he's done anything wrong. So AIBU?

Get your name off the joint account, you'll be responsible for any massive overdrafts he runs up!!

Keep your money seperate.

So from this relationship you get, no financial contributions to the household, you get no action, does he put the bins out with unusual flair or something???

sit down with your weekly budget, work out how much your outgoings are and tell him his weekly contribution is x and stick to it!

Don't take on a debt for him, dont!

IME, a joint account holder can act just like he is the only account holder, run up huge debts, and increase overdraft limits etc. I'm still fighting ex in court to get my name off his debt which he ran up in our joint account.... I'm pretty much on the brink of losing my home which wouldn't be so scary if I didn't have kids to look after.

Don't do joint accounts, unless he's bringing home a reasonable income and even then, always keep a very close eye on income and expenditure! Because joint accounts mean his debt is your responsibility!

how much a week do you have spare, beings hes got 160 quid which is alot imo

So he's stupid with money...time to get educated then. If he's a decent man he will be willing to compromise on the car. 2k is a lot these days, he should have no trouble getting something decent.

My ex thought nothing of driving my DLA Motability car around and paying nothing for it (then had the cheek to say i treated him as my chauffeur, but that's another story). Suffice to say I now enjoy the money instead and so should your DD.

lol fuzzywuzzy dp does put the bins out!always . he even cleans the toilet!.I think i should phone the bank and cancel the overdraft altogether. I will st him downand show him the household bills and insist he pays something toward them, even just £50 a week would be a massive improvement! i could shove it in the joint account and leave it, then he'd have money for a new car, but will insist on both our names going on it and no finance!.

Jeanpoole if im careful then some weeks i have £40-60 left...but mostly its nearer £20. i dont smoke or drink, cant drive and shop at primark or asda for clothes for me and kids.I do have cable package thats quite expensive and two store cards that have £50 owing on them from when i was working.... should be cleared end of may and a credit card that doesnt get used except for "emergencies" aka washing mahine breakdown.So im not an angel either, but i do realise it must be paid at all costs as quick as possible!

what would be ringing alarm bells for me is that he said to you that the debts etc were his ex wife's fault

but he is demonstrating to you right now he is probably the one behind those debts

he cannot afford a £12000 car

he wants to use DLA to pay towards it??

he has a crap credit history , no bank account and a history of debt

this is really serious

dd is only 4 now, and she may not get dla renewed at the same rate when she's older and can do more!(hopefully she will improve when older)...so i dont want to touch her dla for anything.She got a new sn buggy with it but the rest hasnt been touched.I know that as a sn person she wont have the same earning potential in the future as her brother ans half-siblings so what little she has could make a big difference to her standared of living when she's older.I am painfully aware i wont always be here to look after her.I worry more about dd than her brother.

namechange you very sensible to me.

but how do you fel about the fact your lucky to have 20quid a week and hes got 160quid a week spare.

i would not be happy with that.

Lulu , those bells are ringing loud in my ears too!. I dont think his ex-w was entirely to blame for the old debts, she was a SAHM, and tbh i dont see how she could sign for stuff with no wages of her own..the only reason i know about the debt is that letters from debt companies were sent to my address ,looking for DP.I went mental at the time and made him sort it out!I dont think he'd have told me if i hadnt stumbled across those letters!

Jean tbh im quite happy with my £20 .When my bills are paid and the kids are fed, clothed,had their nice warm baths and tucked up in their cosy rooms, i feel ive done a good job.My kids have everything they need and im content.those £20 soon add up if im looking to treat myself .I think im a lot better off than most people and very lucky in that dp is just daft really, some girls have landed themselves wife-bashers or sluts for men.My thread seams a bit trivial now!

DLA is paid by the taxpayer for disabled children to have the things they need.

It isn't for the mothers boyfriend to swan round in a new car.

FFS.

financial issues are serious

he is not acting responsibly

for gods sake, he is talking about using his daughters benefits, that are there to help support her, to buy a £12000 car

if he has £500 a month after he has paid for everything, he can easily buy a much cheaper car and save for the future or put more into the family pot

this is ludicrous

well if think if your thinking hes alright because he is not a wife basher or slut, you should consider raising your standards.

he is trying to take the money from your disabled child to waste on a expensive car
he is not contributing to your bills household
and has much more spare money than you.

personally this is not a partner i would want and i wouldn't feel grateful for that fact he doesnt hit you or cheat on you.
i expect that a partner wouldn't hit me or cheat on me.

anyway i'll leave this thread now.
while i am still calm

goodluck

Iam NBU! .Will stick to the short sharp "no" when he brings it up.(He will)Am going to have a chat with the PILs about dp's attitude to money, i think they need to know they are doing him no favours by giving all the time.But first i need to get him to sort his head out.How on earth do i get him to break his bad habits?

Have mostly been lurking, but how about a star chart? . Seriously though, there's not much point putting money in a savings account atm, so how about a big see-through jar in the kitchen, he can put in £50 a week (plus £50 to bills) - the other £60 he can piss away as per usual, and he can see his savings mount up...?

Good idea thedreadpirate! Well would be if he left it alone and didnt dip into it for fag money/petrol money/ tenner for whatever!.

I dont actually know where his money goes tbh, so dont know about pissing it away, he goes to watch football with his mates about once a fortnight.

namechangeasdpisalurker, you don't seem to be getting it re the joint bank account. If you phone up and remove the overdraft, he (as an equal on the account as it is now joint) can simply get it, or a larger one, added back on.

OK I have had mixed freelings reading this thread. If you decide, after thinking it through, that it's worth keeping another adult (almost in the manner of a pet) who makes no financial contribution and is in fact expensive to keep because of that adult's charm, sexual abilities, beauty, entertainment value or any other non-monetary reason, then fair enough. (After all, it's the model most marriages have generally been based on: the man pays for the woman's food, lodging, treats etc in return for domestic, social and sexual services).
However you have to make sure that you don not spend more than you can afford on your human pet, and that it doesn't become too much of a liability ie start stealing from you or wrecking your credit rating.

Have just re-read the thread as if this was someone else posting and omg ,i'd be posting leave now.Think there is more than the money issue to the whole issue, an undercurrent i just cant put my finger on thats making me uneasy. re:adult pet, does it really look like that?If so , its just awful..

Yes it does look like you have an adult pet

He doesn't pay rent or bills or for food
Does he pay towards your children or only the ones with his ex?

He gives our kids £10 a month pocket money....mostly pays ex-w maintenence and half the cost of xmas, holidays ect and pays for his sons football club.