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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to take 8k of debt on for dp?

103 replies

namechangeasdpisalurker · 16/04/2009 11:44

Ive name changed for this.dp is insistant that he wants a new car, fair enough. He works, i dont. Past history - he has ex-w and when i first got with him he had debts... lots of debts,long story cut short is he blamed the ex-w for spending so much, but now im thinking " yeah, right". we have 2 dc and one has dla. I run the house on tax credits and child benefit, i pay all the household bills and buy stuff for the kids, dp runs his car and gives ex-w money for their kids.Dc's dla is put into her bank account and left for if/when something is needed...its not my money its hers..dp asked how much she has and stupdly i told him about 2k.Next thing i know he's asking for DC money to fund car.We go to PIL's yesterday and he tells them he's going to get new car, and that he's got 2k.MIL says she'll give him the same...so now he's "got" 4k. Back home he has dsd with him and is telling her about new car he wants,and how he can affored a "new" one now.Im very pissed off by now and say if your getting dd's dla for it ,do you intend paying her back? DSD looks [shocked] and says "***'s" money? all confused.DP says yes, but looks annoyed. Then i ask how on earth can he affored a new car? and point out he wont get finance as his previous credit history is pants. He replys i know i cant get finance, but you we can! .Then i say no, im not doing it, couldnt anyway as i gave up work to look after dd full time. Am really annoyed at dp, as he doesnt think he's done anything wrong. So AIBU?

OP posts:
clumsymum · 16/04/2009 12:09

Ah cross posted with your comment about a people-carrier for dd's sn buggy.

Maybe he has a good case with that (or would an estate car suffice?), but you can get hold of decent models for rather less than 12K

Original poster
namechangeasdpisalurker · 16/04/2009 12:09

I am tempted to e-mail his mum and ask her not to encourage him by giving him her 2k. his parents are retired and are by no way well off..they have a ex- council house that they bought mid-eighties and small pension.He's taking the piss with them too.

OP posts:
themoon66 · 16/04/2009 12:10

What sort of car is it? (not that it matters really ) Just curious why he needs a 12 grand car.

Will it be used for your DD and benefit her at all?

TheButterflyEffect · 16/04/2009 12:12

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themoon66 · 16/04/2009 12:13

Oops - crossed post with your one about people carrier for buggy. Sorry

Original poster
namechangeasdpisalurker · 16/04/2009 12:14

Whats wrong with getting a decent second hand car? If he could save up a bit and mabey get 2k of his own then id concider giving him some of my own money( not dd's)towards a car, but not to get into debt. Dp is being a twunt. what can you get for about 5k?

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 16/04/2009 12:16

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LIZS · 16/04/2009 12:19

Don't forget that things like insurance and road tax will be heftier on that size car too. You can get a reasonably recent/mileage car for under 5k , or even less. He needs to get real .

caramelwaffle · 16/04/2009 12:20

Don't do it! Don't do it! Do. Not. Give. Him. Any. Money !!!!!!

If you never want to see that money again, you may as well just write a cheque out to the next passing random stranger...

(over here coooo eeeee )

As MrsTittleMouse says - never put your name on someone elses debt.

Original poster
namechangeasdpisalurker · 16/04/2009 12:25

Well shineoncrazydiamond ,i still think thats a bit as he has about £160 a week in his pocket every week, after his "bills".Its a damn site more than i have left every week,so why he cant save himself is beyond me.Im starting to worry now as ive just added him on to one of my bank accounts.DP didn't have a bank account, only a post office account.What have i done?

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeasdpisalurker · 16/04/2009 12:27

re the insurance : he pays that himself, the car tax he will get disabled rate for dd ,and a blue badge for parking when she's with him.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 16/04/2009 12:28

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LadyOfWaffle · 16/04/2009 12:28

Don't do it! The 12k car will end up costing nearer £20k and be worth 2-3k by the time it is all done. DH went and bought a great car for £500 (all we had spare) the other week. It's just 4 wheels to get you from A -B safely. Where is all his wages going? DO NOT touch the DLA, hide it if needs be.

thumbwitch · 16/04/2009 12:28

No YANBU - don't do it.
I have an ex who tried this with me (admittedly much shorter and obviously less stable relationship than yours) but I refused to do it, thank goodness. I did get him a mobile phone on a year's contract and was horrified when the police came round (after he'd left of course) to ask about the phone usage - they wouldn't tell me any more once I said it wasn't in my keeping and gave them his details - I still wonder!

I also lent him money myself and he still, 9 years later on, owes me about £4k which I will never see again.

mrsboogie · 16/04/2009 12:29

You can tell the bank that he isn't to take any money out without your agreeement

thumbwitch · 16/04/2009 12:30

Oh and get him off your bank account access as well, if you want to have any money left! People like this have no compunction in spending OTHER people's money.

TotalChaos · 16/04/2009 12:32

yanbu. he sounds utterly selfish and feckless. he's already quite happy to spend his child's and his parent's money on an non-necessity. agree with thumbwitch about getting him off your account.

EldonAve · 16/04/2009 12:33

So he contributes nothing to your household? I agree with the cocklodger comments

Take him off your bank account if you want to keep your money

Nekabu · 16/04/2009 12:35

If it's a joint account you won't be able to get him removed unless he agrees. If you have an account in your name only, transfer the lot across to it (I am presuming it's all your money and none of his? If he does have any money in it then obviously leave his in there) right now, today.

Someone who sponges off retired parents and is quite happy to take your dd's dla will be more than happy to spend the money that's in a joint account.

Original poster
namechangeasdpisalurker · 16/04/2009 12:36

The thing is he's great every other way.He does housework when he comes in from work, he spends time with kids, does dd's therapy with her and enjoys it too.I get loads of lie ins at the weekend and he doesnt mind getting up at night with the dc.He's the type of guy who helps little old ladies with their shopping across the road.will do anything for anyone, but he's stupid with money...just thinks its all a gift or something.I don't think he'd take and run, but i do think he'd get us into debt we cant handle, if i let him

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeasdpisalurker · 16/04/2009 12:42

re the bank account. It is an account i had sitting "spare".I added him to it, and it only has about £500 in it with a £50 overdraft limit( at my request, was lowered).He has his own card for it now.This was arranged as we are supposed to be getting married ( have engagement ring at least but no "date")

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 16/04/2009 12:49

ok so you have to protect him (and the family) from hinself!

TotalChaos · 16/04/2009 12:50

if you can deal with him being crap with money as he has other good points then fair enough, but make sure you keep good care of yours and DD's money, wathc yourelf.

Original poster
namechangeasdpisalurker · 16/04/2009 13:08

Well thb have always had "back-up" bank accounts.Habit i gained when with ex-p. Was left penniless and homeless after a bad relationship so always have a "secret stash" now incase things turn ugly, just enough for a deposit for a flat if i need to escape,and for about a months food/electricity bills.Doesnt look very trusting written down but its what i need to do..Hope i never need it ,but you never know do you?

OP posts:
Nekabu · 16/04/2009 13:08

If you can afford to potentially lose £550 then leave him on it. Are you sure he couldn't get the overdraft limit raised without your permission though? I'd check if I were you. Personally I'd make damn sure he couldn't get the overdraft increased and would transfer any money I would mind losing into a different account.

I don't necessarily think (from what you've said about him) he'd take the money and run either but totally agree that he sounds as though he would think nothing of landing you up to your ears in debt as he thinks that's OK. That's how life works for him. If he can't afford it then he just gets it on tick or borrows the money. If that falls flat and he can't pay the loan back then there's always someone around who'll bail him out. If you don't want that then you need to take steps to make sure it doesn't happen or it will because he thinks it's normal.

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