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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have told my MIL exactly why my parenting is different to hers (quite long...)

96 replies

wasabipeas · 14/04/2009 10:04

a bit of background - my DH is generally wonderful, hard working and helpful. But him and his brothers are THE laziest people around the house I've ever met. If my DH makes a cup of tea, he leaves the milk out, the teabag on the side etc. Our bedding would walk to the machine of its own accord before it occured to him to change it.
And I think the blame lies firmly at the door of his mum who did everything for him and waited on him hand and foot until he left home at 21. Despite this, she is great MIL and we have a good relationship.

I made the decision that I wanted my DCs to help out around the house (laying the table, taking their clothes to the laundry basket) so they would never grow up to be the lazy arses their dad is!

At the weekend, we were round there with DC and their cousins for lunch. When it was time to go home, DS (9) was a bit stroppy and asked if we could stay longer. I said no, he had to get his clothes ready for his football club today, plus Monday night is changing sheets night.
MIL jumped in and said 'oh you don't have to worry about that. That is mummy's job. If you want to stay here and play, we can drop you home later. Your job is to play and have fun and mummy's job is to look after you'. (I work full-time, btw)
Which obviously put my back up, so I replied slightly pass/agg 'It is precisely because you think it is soley a 'mummy's job' to help around the house that you have 3 daughters in law who think they have ended up married to the laziest men in England, ha ha!'

MIL then did a wobbly lip and muttered something about only ever wanting to do her best. We all said our goodbyes and left.

MIL obviously phoned DH this morning to tell her about our conversation and he is now in a right strop.

I've told him that I didn't say anything that isn't true and it is probably better that she understands my rationale for not wanting to follow her parenting technique and she is over reacting.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 14/04/2009 10:08

YANBU, she shouldn't have undermined you and she should be pleased that you are raising DC who will be able to look after themselves.

Will this cause big ructions now?

WinkyWinkola · 14/04/2009 10:08

Why is she in a strop? Your DH is over reacting. Your MIL was interfering and you put a stop to it. Fair enough.

Your response to her was in effect telling her to mind her own business about how you run your household and bring up your children.

We all do our best. Sounds like you have more than enough on your plate without a MIL stepping in telling you what your job is.

Watch out now because your DS will be able to play you off against each other to his advantage.

Quattrocento · 14/04/2009 10:08

YANBU

I presume your MIL didn't work? Therefore followed a very traditional family pattern of mum as domestic slave goddess and dad providing? Needed to be said IMO

Katisha · 14/04/2009 10:09

I don't think yabu.
Bit much that she dobbed on you to DH! What's going on there?

ginnny · 14/04/2009 10:11

YANBU. Its up to you how you bring up your ds and I'm trying to do the same with my 2 dss.
BUT probably not the most tactful way of saying it to her. When she was bringing your her sons up it was a mother's job to do everything and like she said, she only did her best, just as you are.
I always think fast forward 20 years and imagine your ds's wife criticising how you bought him up?

TheYearOfTheCat · 14/04/2009 10:11

No YANBU.

She is the one who started it by undermining you in front of your DS.

Snigger. I wish I was as quick witted as you. Let her complain away to DH - perhaps he'll get the message too!

Original poster
wasabipeas · 14/04/2009 10:12

no, MIL didn't work. When I went back to work when DC1 was 9 months, she said 'nothing on earth could have seperated me from my babies'
What, not even the threat of repossesion from the mortgage not getting paid!?

She doesn't 'get' our life - and DH is fully aware of that. But I don't feel I have been rude to MIL, just pointed out to her that I don't want to follow her example of bringing up boys to feel they should be waited on.

OP posts:
Habbibu · 14/04/2009 10:14

Well, yanbu, but you could have been more tactful - it's always a bit wounding to have your own parenting criticised, even if it is justified. Perhaps an olive branch and chat with her might help?

Original poster
wasabipeas · 14/04/2009 10:15

katisha, she phones one or both of us quite a lot.
I don't know that it was actually her - it couldn't have been FIL or BIL because we left before they all did, so she could have told them all what was said after we left
DH just asked me 'what the hell I thoght I was playing at speaking to MIL like that'

OP posts:
NoseyHelen · 14/04/2009 10:15

Good for you!

piscesmoon · 14/04/2009 10:18

YANBU (as the mother of DSs I think you are right), but as you generally get on well I would phone her up or go around and have a chat about it-clear the air in a nice way. Explain that although you think she did a good job of parenting (having made your DH the man he is)you would like him to put the milk back in the fridge etc. and that is the aim with your DCs.

violethill · 14/04/2009 10:20

Your DH will get over it. He's just feeling a bit torn at the moment between you and his mother.

YANBU. It was totally wrong of your MIL to undermine you.

Just try to remember that many women of this generation feel slightly resentful because they see women these days enjoying parenthood and having a life outside the home. She's jealous, that's all. And probably realises (though would never admit in a million years) that waiting on her children hand and foot and never having a life of her own has not created independent adults - as you say, it's been counterproductive.

Original poster
wasabipeas · 14/04/2009 10:20

Ginny, you've made me feel really guilty now

OP posts:
ForeverOptimistic · 14/04/2009 10:20

My mil is like this. Dh's brother is very lazy and pretends that he can't do anything whereas dh is the opposite and does far more than his fair share.

I am a sahm but I still think it is vital that ds grows up to be capable of living on his own and looking after himself. Mil thinks that I am cruel because I won't dress ds (He is 4.8!). When we lived with them in between renovating houses she got really shirty with me because I wouldn't let her wash my knickers and make me breakfast in bed.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 14/04/2009 10:21

It wasn't the right way to put it exactly - you could have been less snarky and it would probably have been more effective, as this way you are seen as being snappy and sarcastic, without either MIL or DH actually listening to what you said.
But no, YANBU at all for the sentiment, or for saying something. My MIL was the same and it frustrates the hell out of me. She wouldn't interfere in the way yours did but if anyone else made a comment like that I would see red as well and probably say something a lot less tactful!

Quattrocento · 14/04/2009 10:22

The idea that 20 years ago it was a mother's job to do everything is not accurate. I've come from three generations of working women.

ShowOfHands · 14/04/2009 10:24

It must sting a little bit to have your parenting so openly criticised. She did, of course, only what she thought best.

YANBU though to intervene when she openly implies that things are 'mummy's job' and to directly contradict you. Perhaps a cup of tea together, an apology for being so tactless but a gentle reminder that it's not 'mummy's job' at all.

DH is very, very good around the house now but I was very firm in my expectations after seeing what he was like at home (he was 17 when we met). Him and his 2 brothers did precisely nothing, including tidying their bedrooms or taking their own clothes to the basket which MIL said was 'her work'.

MIL is always 'very surprised' that I don't iron his shirts for him and offers to take them away and do them for him as 'you're still my baby boy'. I love her really, but she admitted to me on our wedding day that dh stopped ageing for her at 7 and will always be her little boy. I appreciated her honesty though it's a bit galling at times.

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 14/04/2009 10:26

OK it wasn't the right way to say it because it was tactless, but of course you would be tactless as a response to being directly undermined by your MIL.

I would ring her and apologise for hurting her feelings. Something along the lines of "I really shouldn't have expressed myself so tactlessly, it was a direct response to being irritated by feeling that you were undermining me. I promise to try not to do that again, I don't want to criticise your parenting and I'm sure you didn't mean to undermine me either. Shall we be friends again? D'you want to come over for tea blah di blah..." etc.

In other words, make it clear that the reason you were tactless, is because she was at fault. She presumably knows about the set up in your house and was telling you and your DS that it's wrong. Bloody rude and unacceptable IMO. But you need to get back to peace.

Oh and your DH is annoyed with you because your quip to your MIL is a criticism of him. Tell him to clear his own bloody mess up, the lazy arse.q

ginnny · 14/04/2009 10:28

Sorry wasabipeas. I didn't mean to make you feel guilty! I think you are absolutely right and I agree with you but just think it was a bit tactless the way you told her.
Your DH is right to be upset too. She is his Mum after all and its horrible to be stuck between your wife and your Mum, two of the people you love most in the world. I am going on personal experience here as my SIL constantly comes between my db and our Mum so maybe I am a bit biased.
Fwiw I think you should make the peace with her, not necessarily apologise but just agree to differ.

SnowWoman · 14/04/2009 10:33

My DH CAN run the washing machine, but doesn't - again because MIL waited on them hand , foot and finger as a SAHM in the 60's. However she also claimed to have taught them how to do the housework, cook etc and to be fair she did, but she didn't make them do it on a regular basis so DH doesn't see when things need to be done, or how often.

I have tried to be a bit better with the DCs, so that they can do the things they need to to look after themselves and their homes when they move out - just need a bit more consistency with that!

ginnny · 14/04/2009 10:39

ShowofHands - I'm storing that speech up to give my DIL's on their wedding days.
Classic!!!

WinkyWinkola · 14/04/2009 10:49

Wasibipeas, don't feel guilty! Your MIL should feel guilty for trying to undermine you and your decision made about going home.

I'd ask DH who told him and if it was your MIL, then give her a ring, say you're sorry she's upset but explain that she was making things difficult with trying to get your DS home.

You are bringing up your children differently to how she did and that's your prerogative.

Hope you can keep a relationship with your MIL!

suiledonn · 14/04/2009 10:51

You are right to try to raise your children differently. My friend is married to a man like this and he does absolutely nothing around the house. He plays football with a local team and when it was his turn to wash the team kit he honestly thought my friend would do it. All that sweaty, muddy disgusting gear. She had to show him how to work the washing machine so he could do it. He also complained that he didn't want a reheated meal when he got home from work when their dd was a new baby and friend used to cook the dinner whenever she got the chance.

Original poster
wasabipeas · 14/04/2009 10:58

thanks all. I'm still a little bit at DH for ranting at me, so I'm going to phone MIL to thank her for our lovely lunch and see if she sounds off with me...

(and Suiledonn, my DH isn't that bad - he will do stuff if asked but claims to never ever notice when things need doing. Empty mugs/laundry/full dishwashers are invisable to him)

OP posts:
girlafraid · 14/04/2009 10:58

Good grief - YANBU! Sounds like you chose a very good moment to make your point, and did it in a nice way.

Really, she is in the wrong for saying that to your |DS, how dare she?!