to have told my MIL exactly why my parenting is different to hers (quite long...)

[wasabipeas]

a bit of background - my DH is generally wonderful, hard working and helpful. But him and his brothers are THE laziest people around the house I've ever met. If my DH makes a cup of tea, he leaves the milk out, the teabag on the side etc. Our bedding would walk to the machine of its own accord before it occured to him to change it.
And I think the blame lies firmly at the door of his mum who did everything for him and waited on him hand and foot until he left home at 21. Despite this, she is great MIL and we have a good relationship.

I made the decision that I wanted my DCs to help out around the house (laying the table, taking their clothes to the laundry basket) so they would never grow up to be the lazy arses their dad is!

At the weekend, we were round there with DC and their cousins for lunch. When it was time to go home, DS (9) was a bit stroppy and asked if we could stay longer. I said no, he had to get his clothes ready for his football club today, plus Monday night is changing sheets night.
MIL jumped in and said 'oh you don't have to worry about that. That is mummy's job. If you want to stay here and play, we can drop you home later. Your job is to play and have fun and mummy's job is to look after you'. (I work full-time, btw)
Which obviously put my back up, so I replied slightly pass/agg 'It is precisely because you think it is soley a 'mummy's job' to help around the house that you have 3 daughters in law who think they have ended up married to the laziest men in England, ha ha!'

MIL then did a wobbly lip and muttered something about only ever wanting to do her best. We all said our goodbyes and left.

MIL obviously phoned DH this morning to tell her about our conversation and he is now in a right strop.

I've told him that I didn't say anything that isn't true and it is probably better that she understands my rationale for not wanting to follow her parenting technique and she is over reacting.

AIBU?

To OP - does your dh have sisters? If so did your MIL do the same for them? If so it is a cultural/of its time thing. My (5 yrs older) ds never lifted a finger at home. When he went off to university I had to show him how to use a washing machine and do handwashing. He had never done it. My mother showed him how to cook one recipe and to this day (30yrs later) it is the only thing he can cook. Fortunately he married someone who seems to be happy to do everything.

My mother doesn't seem to realise that the person he has become is the person she and my dad raised. He is completely opposite to my dad who did equal chores and most of the cooking when I was growing up. I have a ds and I expect him to help around the house (tidy his bedroom, put clothes, shoes etc away) and he is 4.

I don't think the mil really was undermining the op ...well...she probably really didn't see any harm in them dropping the dgc off later...and possibly was more thinking that the child didn't want to miss out on playing with cousins...

Yes, probably no harm intended but if the OP then said "no we have to go now" or similar then they're being thrown into Bad Parent role or similar when there was no need. I just feel that changes to going-home arrangements should be negotiated away from the children.

Good manners costs nothing and what you did was nothing like good manners!

Your MIL was out of order to try and undermine you like that but that was no reason to be so incredibly rude about her parenting.

I think what you did was awful, you could have handled the situation completely differently. Thanks Nan but I prefer ds to do it himself, we'll see you next week or somesuch. It was of no benefit to your dc to see their Nan humiliated like that. You've behaved like a smug superior bitch IMO.

I'm sure she parented her kids in the best way she could given her circumstances, a product of the prevailing attitudes at the time. We may think it wrong (I certainly do and parent my boys in the same way you seem to me) but still that does not give you justification for being so downright rude and nasty.

I really should have taken it as a warning when I first visited DH at home, where he still lived with his parents. He didn't have a clue where the ironing board was kept. I should have run for the hills then, but I married him anyway and ended up with a man so mollycoddled he couldn't even cook for himself.

It took a lot of training but I got there in the end, and I now have a DH who pulls his weight around the house. My PIL are very disapproving of my view of the role of women around the house, and think DH has a pretty raw deal.

I think you said absolutely the right thing. Well done you!

yabu - your dh is a lazy adult and you can't blame his mother.

i think you should apologise

Oh, and I don't agree it was the "prevailing attitude of the times" at all. I was born in 1975 and my mother always worked outside the house, and she insisted that my father pulled his weight. She also insisted that my brother do his fair share of chores too, in direct defiance of her MIL (born in 1920 or so) who believed that men should be waited on hand and foot.

My grandmother used to wait on her three sons when she was well into her 80s, with a heart condition, arthritis, dodgy hip etc while they ate a three course meal she'd prepared for them. She used to hover over them while they ate, and fetch water for them when they held out a glass for her to fill. So we are talking very different generations, I think.

YANBU but it would be unreasonable to allow it to cause a fall out.

I would call MIL and say something along the lines of "hope what I said didnt upset you the other day. Its just that I felt you were undermining the way that we have chosen to live our lives. I felt, maybe wrongly, that you were being critical, so childishly I retaliated to this. I didnt mean to be critical to you. Obviously I think you have done a great job, as otherwise I would never have fallen in love with and married your son"

And then everyone can be friends

Would it really have been the end of the world to let your ds stay at his Grans for a bit longer so that he could play with his cousins or were you just making a point to your MIL that you are in charge?
I ask because it sounds like this is about more than just that one incident and has been a long time coming.
As others on here have said, it's not necessarily MILs fault that dh is lazy. I know lots of men who are perfectly capable of all household chores but will happily sit on their arses and let their wives everything for them.

That's not the point whether it would have been the end of the world of not.

The point is the mum said it was time to go and the MIL interfered, said stupid stuff and made life difficult for the mum.

Maybe ItsGrim, I'm not saying the MIL was right, but sometimes its necessary to compromise on things for the sake of harmony in the family.
This woman is not just OP's MIL, she is her dh's Mum and her dc's Grandma and I think it was uncalled for to be so snippy and judgy, even though MIL probably shouldn't have said what she did, OP shouldn't have been so rude, especially after they had spent the day in MIL's house.

The fact that you overall think your MIL is ok, a feeling built up over a number of years, is very positive and valuable.

But in this instance, I think she is at fault. She has been slightly manipulative both in terms of your son and husband. She made herself look good and you bad in front of your son (it's totally not her place to contradict you about the length of your visit in front of your son or to tell you what your job as a mother is in front of him). Also phoning your DH up without trying to talk to you first is also a bit immature and trouble making.

Ginny, it was partly because we live nearly 1 hour away, partly because we had things to do when we got home and partly because DS is currently questioning/disputing me a lot and I'm not giving in to him.
DCs and their cousins had been playing for most of the day and we waited until the games had finished and they were just sat about before we decided to leave, so they weren't 'missing out' on anything by having to leave.

This is genuinely the first time we've had any sort of niggle since she asked if she could invite lots of her friends to our wedding (and got short shift from me and DH).
Her 'I don't know how you can let anyone seperate you from your babies' comment when I went back to work after DS1 were ignored, for example.

My mum always gave chores to my younger brother and to myself. He is one of the laziest men I have ever met, lovely bloke but a lazy bugger!

Honestly? I think you were within your rights to feel like that but rude in how you dealt with it.

If it were me, I'd ring up and say something like "I'm sorry for offending you; that wasn't my intention. We are raising our children in completely different times and although I know that you chose to be at home and take a greater share of the chores, our choice is for me to work and for all the members of the family to work together and do their share. I am having problems at the moment with little Jimmy (!!) not always remembering and respecting that and I knew that's why he wanted to stay and play longer. I love that you're willing to have him, and to bring him back, but what I needed to do at that point was let him know that he couldn't do what he wanted to. However, I'm sorry for insulting you whilst doing that."

Sorry, meant to also say something about "I'd really appreciate it if you could help me in setting those boundaries for him in future by not undermining me in front of him, though I'm always happy to talk privately if you don't understand what I'm doing".

Believe me I know about stroppy 9 year old boys - I have one of those myself.
I just meant that maybe you could have been a bit more flexible and changed the sheets today instead and let him sort his football kit out this morning so he could have had an extra hour or so with his cousins to keep the peace.
(Good idea getting them to change their own sheets btw - I'm going to try that one!)

Pheebe I think it's hilarious that you claim good manners cost nothing and then go on to accuse the OP of being a 'smug superior bitch'.

OP - YANBU, but I agree with the consensus that you were tactless. However none of us are perfect and it sounds like you have a good relationship with her and you can sort it out.

Only read op.

I think it was fine for you to point out what your parenting tecniques are and the rationale behind them. You would have been right to explain firmly why sheet changing is not just mummy's job. However, you made it very personal indeed when you told her she had raised three very lazy boys.

You really shouldn't have got so personal about it.

My MIL has actually said to my DH, "X (me) doesn't think I've done a very good job of brining you up does she?" And I have never once commented directly (or indirectly I'm sure)on her parenting.

I think if any posters here was married to a man who by the age of 40 had never peeled a vegetable (I smashed my elbow but still had to make Christmas dinner for everyone 10 days later - no plaster only sling pre-op), has three times in our 20 yrs together reheated me a M&S ready meal and called it cooking me dinner (he would eat a bowl of cereal if I didn't cook for him) and at 49 cannot, despite being shown dozens of times, use a washing machine may be a tad more sympathetic.

So you have my deepest sympathy, and yes even my 4.5 yr old DS with severe SN does hand over hand veg peeling - a slow and tricky job, but I'm damned sure he will learn to cook!

Aw I kinda feel sorry for the mother in law and the OP.

You both clearly have different views of a mothers role with regard to sticking a broom up your bum and sweeping the floor on the way past

I would give her a phone and say that you think she's done a terrific job on raising her son's (leave out the..apart from bit) and that you just do things a bit differently and sorry if you've offended her, in fact why don't you pop round with a bunch of flowers and say it to her face.

oo, I wouldn't tell her she's done a terrific job. If she criticised me in that way, I wouldn't be all gushy with her. Just firm and polite enough.

Why are people telling the op to apologise and send flowers when she was undermined and told what her "job" was by her MIL? The MIL started the personal remarks, she should know better at her age. What kind of message is it sending her son as he approaches puberty, that is totally ok to contradict and ignore mum and to let the womenfolk do all the chores? Still, at least granny will be there in the background for the teenage rebel to run to when mum is being difficult..

I just don't think its worth falling out over, especially if they have a good relationship, if OP can explain that they just do things differently.

I agree Lila.
Obviously she did a fantastic job raising the OP's dh or she wouldn't have married him in the first place!
Just because he's a bit lazy (and he actually doesn't sound that bad compared to some I know) doesn't mean his mother failed completely.