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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have told my MIL exactly why my parenting is different to hers (quite long...)

96 replies

wasabipeas · 14/04/2009 10:04

a bit of background - my DH is generally wonderful, hard working and helpful. But him and his brothers are THE laziest people around the house I've ever met. If my DH makes a cup of tea, he leaves the milk out, the teabag on the side etc. Our bedding would walk to the machine of its own accord before it occured to him to change it.
And I think the blame lies firmly at the door of his mum who did everything for him and waited on him hand and foot until he left home at 21. Despite this, she is great MIL and we have a good relationship.

I made the decision that I wanted my DCs to help out around the house (laying the table, taking their clothes to the laundry basket) so they would never grow up to be the lazy arses their dad is!

At the weekend, we were round there with DC and their cousins for lunch. When it was time to go home, DS (9) was a bit stroppy and asked if we could stay longer. I said no, he had to get his clothes ready for his football club today, plus Monday night is changing sheets night.
MIL jumped in and said 'oh you don't have to worry about that. That is mummy's job. If you want to stay here and play, we can drop you home later. Your job is to play and have fun and mummy's job is to look after you'. (I work full-time, btw)
Which obviously put my back up, so I replied slightly pass/agg 'It is precisely because you think it is soley a 'mummy's job' to help around the house that you have 3 daughters in law who think they have ended up married to the laziest men in England, ha ha!'

MIL then did a wobbly lip and muttered something about only ever wanting to do her best. We all said our goodbyes and left.

MIL obviously phoned DH this morning to tell her about our conversation and he is now in a right strop.

I've told him that I didn't say anything that isn't true and it is probably better that she understands my rationale for not wanting to follow her parenting technique and she is over reacting.

AIBU?

OP posts:

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 14/04/2009 15:50

It's not about whether his mother failed completely I don't think the OP is for one moment suggesting that.

It's about the fact that she's telling the OP that her correct role is as skivvy for her family. Frankly, that is extremely insulting and I'm surprised anyone thinks it's even remotely acceptable. It's at least as rude as the OP's snap back.

LOL at how incredibly rude Pheebe's post is, while she gets on her high horse about how rude the OP was and ignores the rudeness of the MIL. Are you Wasabi's MIL by any change Pheebe?

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 14/04/2009 15:51

any chance sorry

ScummyMummy · 14/04/2009 16:15

You were a little acerbic, perhaps, but she's a wet bananahead if she goes running to her son weeping at a perceived slight from you. And she started it! I'd forget about it and start again next time as if nothing had happened.

Pheebe · 14/04/2009 16:44

lol point taken

I guess I feel that AIBU boards do not require good manners, quite the opposite in fact, they require bluntness nto mollycoddling. And I did acknowledge the MIL was in the wrong.

sayithowitis · 14/04/2009 17:11

You are entitled to be miffed at the way your MIL undermined you, but yabu to call into question her parenting skills.

As others have said, for many mothers, it was not even a choice to work when their children were babies. I know that for my own mother, it was required that when she stopped work to have me, she resigned from the post. There was no such thing as maternity leave or for employers to be required to hold open jobs like there is today. It was generally accepted that for most women, they would be at home looking after the home and family. When my parents split up my mum had to find a job and I was the only one in my class who had a working mother. Not because any of us were fantastically wealthy, just because that's how it was then. Even when my own DS1 was born, it was still not generally expected that all / most new mothers would go back to work between babies. It really is only comparitively recently that our society has accepted the concept of mothers who work outside the home.

For that reason, you were actually vey unkind in how you dealt with your MIL, because she probably really did do what she, and society, considered to be best for her family just as you now do for yours.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 14/04/2009 17:24

Yeah, it's always the mums that have to be flexible to keep the peace and harmony. Hardly ever anyone else. Bollox to that.

StayFrosty · 14/04/2009 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsBeakman · 14/04/2009 17:55

No YANBU. If you had come out with what you said with no provocation then you would BU. But your MIL was very interfering and bossy about how you do things, so therefore you have every right to do the same back.

DuffyFluckling · 14/04/2009 18:09

I find it extraordinary that you blame your mil so completely for your husband's laziness about the house. You said that he is "generally wonderful, hard working and helpful" but when he makes a cup of tea he leaves a mess... aaaaaaand who cleans it up then? You? Then you are enabling his laziness.

I never did any housework when I lived with my parents, yet I find myself perfectly capable of doing it now.

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 14/04/2009 18:15

Where does the OP say she completely blames her MIL for her DH's laziness? And when did this become a discussion of SAHMdom?

MN is barking sometimes!

The OP made a kneejerk acerbic remark in response to a kneejerk irritating remark from her MIL. That's all. One irritated remark does not constitute a referenced essay on What Was Wrong with someone's parenting. It was just a snappy rejoinder in response to her MIL, that's all. I don't think it means anything deeper.

nbee84 · 14/04/2009 18:20

My MIL (who is in her mid 70's) had to give up work when she got married! Her firm didn't employ married women as they should be at home looking after their husband!

CrushWithEyeliner · 14/04/2009 18:24

That was overly harsh imo. Couldn't you have just kept that one in? She is of a different generation and the way you phrased it would have been very upsetting.

Why didn't you just say something like "I would rather they helped me actually XXX" and done.

pamelat · 14/04/2009 18:49

Strangely I don't even focus in on the DH and his lazy ways. Instead, if I were OP I would have just wanted to retaliate at her for undermining me as a mum.

OP could you have said "tell you what, DC why dont you stay the night and we will collect you at lunch tomorrow. DH and I could do with a lovely lie in"

UKVeggieMum · 14/04/2009 19:21

I have some sympathy, my mil sent three sons out into the world with no domestic skills, and also waited on them hand and foot, she was a SAHM until the youngest was about 9.

It's taken me many years to train up my DH, but he's now able to manage most tasks, except ironing.

I would never raise the subject with her quite that openly, although I have hinted at it from time to time.

valleysprincess · 14/04/2009 19:24

YANBU. What she doesn't start manipulating the situation now casting you as the big bad DIL who makey poor innocent MIL cry. Tell your dh to sod off also.

sail73 · 15/04/2009 21:24

My dh never had to lift a finger at home my mil did absolutely everything even tidying his bedroom and he left home at the age of 26! However he does more than his fair share although I'm a sahm. He's absolutely brilliant especially at times like now when I'm feeling under the weather!

Mil tells me he often used to present his teritorial army uniform to her to wash AND IRON the day before it was required! She would often take it to work at a care home and put it in their washing as it was the only way at that short notice. Although I wash his uniform he has never ever even allowed me to iron it! Mil couldn't believe it when she found out. Ds1 actually calls the iron "daddys iron"!

sail73 · 15/04/2009 21:33

YANBU btw how dh turned out how he did I will never know!

PintandChips · 15/04/2009 21:59

She was clearly wrong to undermine you like that, by directly contradicting what you'd said to your kids, but your response was a bit barbed, so now she's being narkey because she reckons you were rude. Whereas if you'd said (sweetly) 'i totally appreciate that's the way you did things with your boys, but we have different rules in our house and i'd like the children to stick to them' then she wouldn't have had anything to moan about. mind you, there's no real reason for her not to know that you were pissed off, as she was out of order. And your DH should understand that really, but then they can be very protective of their mums can't they?

PintandChips · 15/04/2009 22:06

just to be clear - it's not out of order that she thinks that stuff should be your job - she's entitled to her opinion - and it's not out of order how she brought up her kids. What is out of order, and she should know better, is directly contradicting you in front of your children. If she doesn't agree with you on the way you bring them up she should at least have the courtesy to talk about it when they're not around. Fecking rude if you ask me.

Miggsie · 15/04/2009 22:40

YANBU

My friend had a MIL like this "men are delicate flowers who must not be contaminated by housework" type stuff.
Every Sunday this went on....for years.

In the end my friend exploded and yelled "ironing will not cause his willy to fall off!"

So, compared to that you were a paragon of tact!

Basically she commented that aspects of your parenting were crap and you responded by saying aspects of her parenting were crap.
So you are about even on that one.

And she IS going to mention this to her DS because you also implied there was something wrong with her sons and not a lot of mothers can cope with that one.

TheYearOfTheCat · 17/04/2009 23:52

OP - is there any update?

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