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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have told my MIL exactly why my parenting is different to hers (quite long...)

96 replies

wasabipeas · 14/04/2009 10:04

a bit of background - my DH is generally wonderful, hard working and helpful. But him and his brothers are THE laziest people around the house I've ever met. If my DH makes a cup of tea, he leaves the milk out, the teabag on the side etc. Our bedding would walk to the machine of its own accord before it occured to him to change it.
And I think the blame lies firmly at the door of his mum who did everything for him and waited on him hand and foot until he left home at 21. Despite this, she is great MIL and we have a good relationship.

I made the decision that I wanted my DCs to help out around the house (laying the table, taking their clothes to the laundry basket) so they would never grow up to be the lazy arses their dad is!

At the weekend, we were round there with DC and their cousins for lunch. When it was time to go home, DS (9) was a bit stroppy and asked if we could stay longer. I said no, he had to get his clothes ready for his football club today, plus Monday night is changing sheets night.
MIL jumped in and said 'oh you don't have to worry about that. That is mummy's job. If you want to stay here and play, we can drop you home later. Your job is to play and have fun and mummy's job is to look after you'. (I work full-time, btw)
Which obviously put my back up, so I replied slightly pass/agg 'It is precisely because you think it is soley a 'mummy's job' to help around the house that you have 3 daughters in law who think they have ended up married to the laziest men in England, ha ha!'

MIL then did a wobbly lip and muttered something about only ever wanting to do her best. We all said our goodbyes and left.

MIL obviously phoned DH this morning to tell her about our conversation and he is now in a right strop.

I've told him that I didn't say anything that isn't true and it is probably better that she understands my rationale for not wanting to follow her parenting technique and she is over reacting.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 14/04/2009 11:00

Do what HerBeatitudeLittleBella said. Apologise for being tactless, but explain that the reason you were being tactless is because she had irritated you and she is in the wrong to be undermining the way you bring up your children.

You might want to explain to your DH that you have apologised to MIL for the way you spoke to her but that the sentiment you expressed still stands.

Nekabu · 14/04/2009 11:02

YANBU. Maybe not terribly tactful but you had just had your instructions to your ds directly countermanded by your MIL who had not only told him that he should not do the things you'd told him to do that evening but shouldn't be doing them in the future either as they are your job.

BTW it's not to do with the era either. My friend's bringing up her little boy to be exactly like your dh. All housework is for mummy to do and she does nothing but go on about 'what a proper little boy' he is.

namechangerforareason · 14/04/2009 11:09

YANBU

Good for you for sticking up for your parenting style, possibly you could have been slightly more tactful but in the heat of the moment you did well not to explode!

My DP is exactly the same, MIL waited on him hand, foot, tooth and nail. We have been together for 11 years now and when he first moved in he honestly thought I would take over from her and do everything, he got a shock pretty sharpish, told him I was his faincee not his slave! MIL took exception to this and said I was being cruel to DP! I told her that it was her fault he was so blooming clueless when it came to housework, cooking etc. She didnt like it but now my DP admits its true and feels better for doing things around the house.

My DS will grow up having chores to do and learning to keep his things tidy when he is finished with them, not being cruel just dont want my future DIL to go through what I did with DP, I mean he phoned me at work asking if he could make beans on toast by pouring beans on untoasted bread and bunging in microwave for a few mins!

I have the last laugh now though as MIL is a lazy moo who doesnt even tidy her house, DP has to do it and he has said to her that if I hadnt gotten him into shape quick smart then e wouldnt be able to do it so well. Though she is very capable of it, she chooses not to, I think its a way to see DP.

She is toxic, even DP hates her but thats a whole other thread!

So congratulations on your stance, dont worry about the strop, after all you dont know exactly what she has said you said to her.

A mummy's job FFS I didnt realsie we have transported back to the feckin 1940's!

messymissy · 14/04/2009 11:13

Loud cheers and applause - GOOD FOR YOU! You were so right to stand your ground and you are doing a great thing getting your DCs to help around the house and take responsibility for things they can manage for themselves - brilliant!

you are not being unreasonable.

If only all mums of boys did the same, there would not be so many unhappy threads on mumsnet, about dhs who think they are entitled to be waited on hand and foot.

DH maybe ranted at you cos you hit home and he realises that he could and should do more to help - he chooses to ignore things as he knows that someone (you) will do it anyway.

Good idea to ring MIL, and if she raises it (which I doubt she will - easier to get your DH to rant back at you) I am sure you will stand your ground!

I am very much inspired by your thread and determination!

chocolateismyonlyweakness · 14/04/2009 11:14

YANBU, but you have been blunt. At the same time, MIL should appreciate that her way isn't your way. I have a friend who is very blunt, but I can say that I always know where I stand with her.

I know countless people who have difficulty with MIL undermining them, so maybe you have done yourself a favour and she will be more careful what she says in future, but if she's a great MIL in other ways I would have bitten my lip (and probably would have been pissed off for a while at being undermined!), but you sound like a very straight talking sort of person, so this is your way.

stillenacht · 14/04/2009 11:15

Good for you!

YAdefinitelyNBU

Oh i wish i had the guts to say it!!!

nellynaemates · 14/04/2009 11:16

YABU. Although I completely understand your sentiment you took the opportunity to pass judgement on her parenting when all you needed to do was explain the way things work in your house.

Anyway, regardless of their upbringing, your DH and his brothers are grown men and responsible for themselves. If they are lazy round the house give them a telling off, not their mother.

nellynaemates · 14/04/2009 11:16

Oops that first sentence didn't make sense, think it's missing a "but". Sorry!

chequersmate · 14/04/2009 11:17

I agree with your sentiment and think it was right to be firm and fair.

Don't think it was your place to speak on behalf of your SIL's though.

onebatmother · 14/04/2009 11:27

I suspect DH is actually angry that he's been rightly publicly criticized, rather than on his mother's behalf.

You could apol. but at the same time point out that you'd like your parenting choices to be respected too and not undermined, esp not in front of the children..

onebatmother · 14/04/2009 11:28

what an appalling sentence that first one is..

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 14/04/2009 12:14

So what about the MIL's deliberate and direct undermining of the OP's parenting nelly? Do you not think that that was the MIL choosing to pass comment on the OP's parenting?

She passed comment because her own parenting was being undermined. It's not wise and it's not diplomatic, but I do think it's human to snap back, however ill-advised.

Wizzska · 14/04/2009 12:21

Congratulations, you even managed to get a dig in at your DH being lazy . She is from a different time when women did do all the chores, it isn't the same anymore. She was undermining you and you made your point. She'll get over it and hopefully not interfere again.

I'm also aiming to bring DS up knowing how to look after himself.

Wizzska · 14/04/2009 12:22

By the way, she started it. She said it was your job to do everything. That would have really got my back up so all the talk of how tactless you were is irrelevant imo.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 14/04/2009 12:23

"Although I completely understand your sentiment you took the opportunity to pass judgement on her parenting when all you needed to do was explain the way things work in your house."

If someone makes judgements, then IMO, you're perfectly entitled to make those judgements right back. If you can't take the heat......

StarlightMcEggzie · 14/04/2009 12:26

My MIL is a little bit like yours. God only knows what she says about me, but she critcises my BIL's wife to me all the time.

Aparantly my SIL had washing hanging about when she visited

When they visited us she kept going on and on and on about how she didn't know DH could cook when he made dinner and that he must have learnt out of necessity

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 14/04/2009 12:28

LOL at the outrage of visible laundry.

Honestly, WTF do these very demanding people expect people to do, put their lives on hold when they have visitors?

And then in the same breath, they'll complain about not being treated as part of the family. Well are you A list visitors who can't be offended by the sight of washing or are you members of the family?

nellynaemates · 14/04/2009 12:30

Well that is true. Her MIL did do it first. However I'm one of these endlessly diplomatic people (in RL anyway!) and I always think it's best to respond in a polite and considered way that avoids insult. Not only does it get your point across but it allows you to keep the moral high ground.

I also stand by my judgement of the MIL's three sons. Your MIL doesn't deserve to be blamed for her 3 "lazy" offspring. It's up to them to get off their bums and help out. To her it probably felt like you'd said she'd failed as a mother, of course she was going to feel hurt.

It's one thing to criticise someone's current parenting practices (as she did to you) and quite another to criticise them retrospectively and blame them for causing problems in the present.

cornsilk · 14/04/2009 12:31

Starlight your MIL sounds like a corker!
OP your MIL sounds interfering and manipulative. Fancy phoning DH.

StarlightMcEggzie · 14/04/2009 12:52

She is cornsilk. Yes my DH learnt to cook out of necessity. We got married when he was 35 and he left home at 18. What did she suppose he did about food all that time, meals on wheels?

And yet, - she 'blames' me for his cooking skills.

FairLadyOfMuslinCloth · 14/04/2009 13:02

not exactly YABU, no....but was it really necessary...?

Tbh...my dh had to do loads as a Boy, because he lost his mum to cancer when he was 10 years old, and she had been ill a few years before she passed away....and he can cook and can do everything...however...he needs a mighty kick up the arse to apply all those shkills in our home...so, I don't think having to do housework at home really will necessarily make your children more likely to be good at it later...

Onestonetogo · 14/04/2009 13:22

Message withdrawn

JemL · 14/04/2009 13:25

FairLadyOfMuslinCloth I agree. I met my DH when we were teenagers; his mum worked full time and spent most of her free time with her new partner (she had just come out of a horrible divorce), my DH cooked all his own meals, did the housework, and his own laundry. He had done chores since a young age, as had his older brother and sister. He is also a professional chef. Despite all this, he still leaves his clothes where he steps out of them, would never think to load the washing machine, and I have to leave him lists of what needs doing (at his specific request, lest anyone think I am dictatorial wife treating DH like naughty child!)He has never changed the bedcovers off his own bat since we have lived together either!

If I was the OP I would be tempted to lay the blame for DH's domestic slackness at MIL's door too, but I know from experience that housework responsibilities in early life do not equate with a DH who does their fair share unprompted later on...!

FairLadyOfMuslinCloth · 14/04/2009 13:28

Jem...glad...well...ykwim...that my dh isn't the only one...

Btw..I do think chores are important, and all that...because I do think Kids need to lern...but indeed...knowing how doesn't mean those skills will be used later...lol

Simplysally · 14/04/2009 13:39

I'd be more worried that she wanted to undermine me as regards my plans for my family "we can drop you back later", not the implied criticism of my parenting iyswim.

When it's time to go, it's time to go unless agreed out of the children's hearing beforehand that there'll be a change.