Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a sneaky birthday "tea" for my little nephew?

100 replies

deanychip · 13/04/2009 16:42

Because he is wetting himself so my sis has decided to "punish" him by not allowing him to go to any parties NOR to have a birthday party for himself in a few weeks?

She has emptied his bedroom of all toys.

He is going to be 7.

she says he is lazy.

I was going to ask to have him for the day, take him, ds and my niece out, them make some sarnies, cakes and jelly for them...

Am i undermining her OR am i (which i think that i am) saving the poor little bugger from her evil.

BTW he has only EVER had one party, i have always done him a tea party because she just does not get the importance of the party for children sadly, she is not the maternal type.

OP posts:
pginthecloset · 13/04/2009 16:44

Are you in a position to talk to her about her treatment of him? Because she is being horribly unfair and cruel.

Poor boy

HecAteTheEasterBunny · 13/04/2009 16:44

Yes, you are. you can't do it without causing a rift between you and your sister.

That said, I really think she is handling it all wrong. That poor lad. Has she taken him to a gp to see if there is a physical cause for it? 7 yr olds don't generally wet themselves because they are lazy! That's crazy! All she's going to do is make him feel worse, which will make him more anxious, which will probably make him more likely to wet himself.

wannaBe · 13/04/2009 16:45

yabu.

Not everyone does parties. And by doing this you are undermining her completely.

Whether you disagree with her methods is irelevant. She is his parent and it is not your place to undermine her like this. How would you feel if you'd punished one of your children and someone else gave them the thing you'd taken away?

pginthecloset · 13/04/2009 16:46

btw YANBU to acknowledge his birthday. She hasn't said you can't give him a birthday treat. But I think the bigger issue needs sorting out first.

ScottishThistle · 13/04/2009 16:47

Sounds like she's using it as as excuse not to do a party because she doesn't want to anyway.

I wouldn't go behind her back, be upfront and see what her response is.

Northernlurker · 13/04/2009 16:47

Taking away his toys and denying him treats because of a problem which in a child of that age may well have a pyschological cause sounds abusive to me. Is there a dad on the scene - what does he think about this?

wannaBe · 13/04/2009 16:47

A friend's six year old wets himself because he is lazy. She has been to the gp, he has had numerous tests and there is nothing wrong. he just waits till the last minute and then it is too late. And he doesn't care.

I can see how a parent would reach the end of their tether with that tbh.

wannaBe · 13/04/2009 16:49

also not sure that not having a party is the be all and end all. Wish I'd taken that stance years ago - would have saved me a fortune.

pginthecloset · 13/04/2009 16:50

There may be nothing wrong that a test can pick up, but a six or seven year old wetting because they are 'lazy' is not right. It's something they need help with.

Wannabe - how do you know your friends son doesn't care?

Original poster
deanychip · 13/04/2009 16:50

Well, thats the point i think that this is just an EXCELENT excuse for her to not have a party for him.

Unfortunately she is a very... erm ...Difficult individual to talk to about anything.
she is opinionated and will not change her mind no matter what.

She disagrees with her GP...to the point of a slanging match about every thing, so wont take him to the Drs because she is adamant that he is bieng lazy and that whatever the GP says, he is wrong and a wanker at that..

sigh.

OP posts:
floppyearsandcurlywiskers · 13/04/2009 16:54

I think whether you agree with her or not you have to respect what she has said and not undermine her. I think she is being very mean but maybe she has tried everything else and this is a last resort?

Ofcourse ask her if you can take him out for his birthday but don't go behind her back.

Original poster
deanychip · 13/04/2009 16:55

I DO disagree with her methods on allot of parenting issues, we have had disagreements in the past.
That is because of her strong held opinions about the way that i bring up my son, she tells me what iam doing wrong..no holding back. With me i dont say anything to her, she is just too agressive to deal with.

I am much much quieter than her, and wouldnt deliberately undermine her.

Was jsut sad for my nephew.

OP posts:
pginthecloset · 13/04/2009 16:55

Is she going to mark his birthday at all?

Original poster
deanychip · 13/04/2009 16:57

No.

Its a week day, so the day will just be the same as any other day.

Not sure if she is getting him anything.
The family will get him pressies, but she will jsut do what she does every year...if she doesnt like the toy or item, she takes it off him, unpackaged and takes it to the charity shop.
Every thing else gets taken off him and put in the loft...it makes mess.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 13/04/2009 16:59

Well, there are two issues really aren't there?

The first is the issue of the child wetting himself which may or may not have an underlying cause. If she hasn't taken him to the gp and refuses to do so, then she cannot possibly be certain that he is just being lazy, and this is definitely something that should be addressed, although quite how if she is as stubbern as you say is another matter.

The second issue is the issue of birthday parties, and while you or I may think that birthday parties are important for children other people may not, and that is equally their perogative. Some parent just don't want the expense/the hastle/the responsibility of 30 five/six/seven year olds and feel that there are better ways to celebrate a birthday. I never had a birthday party in my life, and I don't think I've been damaged by the experiences. Equally I know plenty of parents who don't have birthday parties for their children and it's really not the end of the world.

pginthecloset · 13/04/2009 16:59

If you are going to have him for the day anyway then you have to feed the children. Some sandwiches and cake for 3 children hardly constitutes a party so technically is not going against her.

And it would mean a lot to your nephew who frankly is being punished unfairly.

I'm sorry but your sister sounds quite mean

Original poster
deanychip · 13/04/2009 17:04

To be honest, she may have a point about the wetting, he only ever wets at school, from the smell of him, its likely to be 3/4/5 times a day...he literrally stinks to high heaven.

He doesnt do it at home.

Now then, my sis actually wet herself and her bed till she was 12....so really she kind of gets the problem but deals with it in her way.

She genuinely doesnt think that birthdays are important. But then neither does she think that anything to do with children is important. She says that she "hates" kids, and she says it with venum. She actually scowls and genuiniely hates my son and my neice.
she says she tolerates her own son, because she has to and he is sometimes "ok".

OP posts:
Original poster
deanychip · 13/04/2009 17:06

I do wonder if he has a water infection because of the smell.
funnily enough she does not smell it!! My mother ends up bathing him and washing his clothing because it makes her wretch when she takes him to school in her car.

He will get picked on because of the smell i think.

There are actually numerous issues with her, not just the 2.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 13/04/2009 17:11

sounds as if this runs a lot deeper than just a birthday party then and I would be thinking along the lines of calling ss perhaps.

What have the school said?

Original poster
deanychip · 13/04/2009 17:13

ss?

OP posts:
Original poster
deanychip · 13/04/2009 17:16

Im not sure what school have said, she is very argumentative and agressive with them, so you really cant get past her ranting and raving at them to find out what constructive communication comes out of it.

I rely on my mum to let me know what is going on, i avoid her mostly.

OP posts:
ruty · 13/04/2009 17:17

social services. I would be worried about the children's welfare, i must say.

Grumpyoldcaaaaaaaa · 13/04/2009 17:24

So why did she have children? She sounds awful.

Original poster
deanychip · 13/04/2009 17:27

I have NO idea. We were all so so shocked.

He is gorgeous, such a good little boy, quiet as a mouse.....until he gets to our house then he is like a wid thing he has the time of his life.

OP posts:
Seuss · 13/04/2009 17:36

Perhaps he doesn't like school toilets?

Normally I would think you were BU going behind your sisters back, but in this case I think go for it and give the poor chap something to smile about.

Swipe left for the next trending thread