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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have a sneaky birthday "tea" for my little nephew?

100 replies

deanychip · 13/04/2009 16:42

Because he is wetting himself so my sis has decided to "punish" him by not allowing him to go to any parties NOR to have a birthday party for himself in a few weeks?

She has emptied his bedroom of all toys.

He is going to be 7.

she says he is lazy.

I was going to ask to have him for the day, take him, ds and my niece out, them make some sarnies, cakes and jelly for them...

Am i undermining her OR am i (which i think that i am) saving the poor little bugger from her evil.

BTW he has only EVER had one party, i have always done him a tea party because she just does not get the importance of the party for children sadly, she is not the maternal type.

OP posts:

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 13/04/2009 21:01

To be frank, anyone who thinks it is appropriate to punish a child for wetting themselves, ought to be undermined.

It is disgraceful. Not the party, her antediluvian attitude to the wetting.

Hulababy · 13/04/2009 21:05

Sometimes when a child is being treated in such a poor way, as the posts of the OP sggests, it does require outsiders to undermind the parent and stand up for the child. It is because too many of us hide our head in the sand or don't intervene that children get missed and parents are able to treat their children poorly.

Janos · 13/04/2009 21:09

Katiestar, have you not read the rest of the thread - this woman's attitude to her son is very worrying and is AT THE VERY LEAST - neglectful.

I agree with LittleBella. Undermine to your hearts content OP.

In cases like this interference and undermining should be positively ENCOURAGED.

PresidentTaylor · 13/04/2009 21:28

for your DN. You need to intervene in this situation.

Cazzaben · 13/04/2009 21:56

I know this might sound extreme but have you thought about looking after him on a more permanent basis?? I mean would it bother her?? Does she love him? Or is she going through some sort of postnatal depression?? (it can happen years after the birth)

This poor boy deserves to have a happier life than this. Bless him... He's a lucky boy to have you in his life. My cousin (we are very very close like sisters) had problems with wetting all the time. She had constant urine infections...

Maybe you could even sit down and talk to her??

gagamama · 14/04/2009 12:01

Gosh, have you ever read the book 'Ugly' by Constance Briscoe? I despise the ghoulish child abuse literary sub-genre as much as the next person, but recommend you read this one. You might find the similarities alarming.

I don't think YABU at all, but I would be deeply concerned about the treatment of this little boy. Is she a nasty person generally, or just a nasty mother? Could you talk to her?

messymissy · 14/04/2009 12:17

What a poor little chap - sound horrendous!

He may be wetting out of sheer anxiety.

dont do a secret party as that may make her worse and therefore worse for him - instead why not make your present to him some sort of special outing - to a theme park or something.

If it were me I would not avoid her, try to see your nephew as much as you can as it seems from what you are saying that he needs a friend / advocate.

So pleased that he feels he can let his hair down in your house, he clearing feels relaxed there.

Sounds like your sister would not welcome a direct challenge to her child rearing skills - if she wont listen and feels that he is doing it because he is lazy (i dont think so at all) maybe you could try a tactic of suggesting that she rewards rather than punishes him, the carrot rather than the stick, and give him stars for each dry morning etc, then she would not have reason to feel underminded.

I tackled my sister over her aggressive parenting by hearing her out (however unreasonable I found her ideas to be, I had to bite my tongue several times) but the core reason came out that she was deeply unhappy and out of control in her marriage and took it out on the kids - so instead I let her take it out on me, she ranted and raved and let off steam and the kids weren't shouted at as much. I did suggest alternatives and always said things to reassure her that I was trying to help and maybe there was another way.

Sounds like your sister needs you, just as much as her kids do.

trixymalixy · 14/04/2009 12:31

You need to intervene. Poor little lad.

If this was my nephew I would be offering to look after him for your sister on a permanent basis.

allthetwinklystars · 14/04/2009 12:39

I used to teach a boy who wet himself a lot, I ended up giving him a sticker each 1/2 hour he was dry, it worked a treat. It sounds like your sister doesn't have a great relationship with the school or take advice/criticism well, but if there was any way she could work with them to address the wetting as it happens there that would be best.

stagefright · 14/04/2009 12:56

Punishing him for wetting himself (on top of other abuse) will only make him more anxious and he will wet himself more.
I was physically abused by my father and emotionally and physically abused by my mother. When I was young I would wet myself when my dad came into the room as I was so anxious but I didn't realise why and by the time I went to school it had generalised to any excitment/nervousness. Then I would be hit for it at home when my mother was doing the washing making the problem worse. I desperately didn't want to do it but couldn't help it.
Sounds like your nephew may have a similar problem, no 7 year old boy wets himself out of lazyness.
I wish I had an aunt like you to intervene. If your sister is abusing her son your loyalty should be with the child.

Gorionine · 14/04/2009 13:10

Might ther be a medical reason why he would still wet himself? I think they do not investigate before the childe is 7yo but as it is your DN's age, it might be worth a try?

Messymissy's post makes a lot of sense to me. Your Dsis is reacting a bit OTT to the wetting but I think that regardless of what most people think, the situation probably puts a great strain on your Dsis as well as your DN and she might need more support than pointing at.

WRT the party I know plenty of people, me included who do not "do" birthday paries for one reason or another and none of these reasons involve not loving our DCs.

unavailable · 14/04/2009 13:19

Deanychip, your nephew sounds like a very sad little boy with good reason to be.

I am sure you mean well with the party idea, but from what you describe his living circumstances are a cause for concern all the time, and I dont think giving him a treat on his birthday will address any of the problems he has.

Your sister needs to be challenged about the way she treats him - if this cant be dealt with "in family" then you need to approach childrens services.I know it will be difficult to do, but please dont ignore your nephew's unhappiness.

tootyflooty · 14/04/2009 13:31

I really think it is time social services got involved, her treatment of him is bordering on abusive, mentally and emotionally she is damaging him, i don't mean about not having a party but all the other stuff. I would carry on treating him as you do your own dc, at least he can see what sort of life he should be having. Have your own little tea party with him. Let him know you all love him and nake sure he knows he can confide in you if he needs to. He will be an adult one day and possibly a parent so he needs to see the correct way to parent if history is not going to repeat itself.

QuantitativeMeasure · 14/04/2009 13:34

Your sister sounds like an awful, controlling, heartless cow.

SarahL2 · 14/04/2009 14:13

Bear in mind that if she finds out about the party and is upset that you ahve undermined her then she may stop you seeing your nephew as much.

I'm sure he appreciates his time out of the house, away from his abusive mother far more than he would appreciate the tea party in the long term.

Call SS or the NSPCC please. I still resent all the people who knew I was being abused and ignored it and I'm 30!!

FlorenceofArabia · 14/04/2009 14:20

Another vote here for contacting Social Services. This little boy is being neglected and it's your duty as his aunt to help him.

Poppity · 14/04/2009 14:27

Deanychip, have you not posted today because of the negative response to your sister's treatment of her boy?

You are shirking your responsibility as an adult- this child is being abused by your sister, and you are in a position to do something about it.

Wetting at 7 is not a minor concern, I would think it is a direct result of his home life, this child needs help.

He will be bullied, how could he not be?

Sorry to be harsh, but it kills me to think of the pain your poor dn is going through every day.

Stand up and do something

everGreensleeves · 14/04/2009 14:29

I think some of these posts are really harsh and unwarranted - "shirking your responsibility", "enabling the abuse"

deanychip is in a very delicate position and she ISN'T doing nothing - she's seeking advice, and thinking of things she can do to help without making things worse!

I don't know whether she should call SS or confront her sister or carry on trying to inject a little kindness from the sidelines. It's incredibly difficult. Poor little sod

Curiousmama · 14/04/2009 14:41

I agree with calling nspcc or ss. Nspcc first.

My ds2 has only just stopped wetting and is 8 although he did it at night. The clinic I took him to said it's because the hormone had kicked in to stop it happening.

I wouldn't be surprised if the school contact SS soon.

Poppity · 14/04/2009 14:49

Evergreen, I do think that Deanychip is doing all she feels she can in the situation, but sometimes it's hard to see the reality from the inside.

The reality seems to be that this child is deeply unhappy.

She obviously cares deeply for her dn, and I just wanted her to know that it was the right thing to do to help him, even though that seems a betrayal of her sister.

everGreensleeves · 14/04/2009 15:10

I know Poppity, but I just think she must already be feeling pretty awful about all this. I agree with all those who say this little boy is being neglected and possibly abused.

Poppity · 14/04/2009 15:26

Yes, Deanychip, please come back. I didn't mean it to be an attack on you, and nor would anyone else here.
We're here to support if that's possible

Original poster

deanychip · 14/04/2009 19:35

Ok, what you ask re ss is out of the question, absolutely NO WAY.

What would be the consequences of contacting ss , can someone tell me?

Would he be removed from her care....hmmm that would be helpful and not at all disruptive, and distressing for him would it.
She would NOT accept any outside help/advice/interference.
For her and for the rest of the family, it would be the end. She is a very very difficult, nasty and argumentative person. Egg shells dont even come close.

However, she loves him, she hugs him, she is supremeley proud of him and she shows this side to him all of the time.
She has very strong held beliefs. She is adamant in her opinions, she is a carbon copy of my mother with a bit of the bad side of my dad in there.

As a child, i had an aunty, a wonderful, kind sweet, helpful, supportive loving wonderful auntie who saved my sanity and who made my life in between my every day life worth it.
What i tell you about my sis, i tell you becuase you are all usually very understanding and helpful.
What you advise is just not possible for me, this is due to a multitude of reasons over and above what i have already told you all.

So, please understand me, please advise me in a more practical way.

DN is my angel, he is my little love. I and the rest of the family adore the bones off him.
He comes to me as much as i possibly can, my sis works long hours so is away from dn allot of the time. She has her problems. She is with dns dad, they have a very difficult relationship, she is unhappy with her partner.

I think that i will take them out for the day and have a little tea for them.

I do understand why you are all concerned, what i have read back, she does sound horrific.

Dont know, i do my best, i do my best.

OP posts:

valleysprincess · 14/04/2009 19:51

Deanychip. I agree regarding SS. Being placed into care would be far far worse....unless he came to live with you. However if she knew that you reported her to SS there is no way she'd let him live with you. You could make an anonymous referal to the SSD?

You say you walk on eggshells with her and to challenge her would probably cause a massive divide???...therefore i'm not sure what other option is open to you other than SSD. The school will have already have picked up the wetting thing and undoubtedly passed it on to SSD so they will probably have some prior knowledge of mum and your nephew.

You're looking for practical solutions where possibly none exist. Sorry x

Original poster

deanychip · 14/04/2009 20:14

I know, thanks princess, kind words, thankyou x

OP posts:

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