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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a sneaky birthday "tea" for my little nephew?

100 replies

deanychip · 13/04/2009 16:42

Because he is wetting himself so my sis has decided to "punish" him by not allowing him to go to any parties NOR to have a birthday party for himself in a few weeks?

She has emptied his bedroom of all toys.

He is going to be 7.

she says he is lazy.

I was going to ask to have him for the day, take him, ds and my niece out, them make some sarnies, cakes and jelly for them...

Am i undermining her OR am i (which i think that i am) saving the poor little bugger from her evil.

BTW he has only EVER had one party, i have always done him a tea party because she just does not get the importance of the party for children sadly, she is not the maternal type.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 13/04/2009 17:43

deanychip - I'm sure you've probably already thought of this, but is there something at school that is making him too nervous to go? Is he getting teased, hates the 'big boy' urinals, feels people are watching???

If it was me I would go to the school and talk to them. Just say that you know they can't give out any information about him, just that you are worried and he's only doing it at school.... you can explain your relationship with your sister is difficult, but that you really want to do what you can for your nephew. They don't have to 'tell' you anything, they can just listen to you...

As for the rest of her parenting skills - she leaves a lot to be desired. Someone needs to step in and help this little boy out - be it you, your Mum or Social Services.
Would you consider having him live with you?

Original poster
deanychip · 13/04/2009 17:45

No this is absolutely not an option.

My mother was the same with us as ssi is with dn.

I would not could not do this.

OP posts:
HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 13/04/2009 17:54

Your sister sounds like a bitch.

Can't think of anything else to say really except that anyone who thinks a 7 year old wets themselves purely out of laziness is gob-smackingly stupid.

Original poster
deanychip · 13/04/2009 17:58

I have him as much as i can. I dont think that she is suspicious, jsut releaved that he isnt under her feet.
Becuase she hates my son so much she lets me know that she isnt happy about what i allow them to do (play, runa round and make noise)
She thinks i have no discipline at all in my house, tells me that everyone hates my son because he is such a brat.

Thing is, becuase she is so very strict, she thinks that people around her are all raising mass murdering psychopaths.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 13/04/2009 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare · 13/04/2009 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
deanychip · 13/04/2009 18:10

madam, that was my plan, a nice day out and goodies for tea. Without wanting to rock the boat or undermine her at all.

Its what we do in our house, we have fun. She tells me that i am wrong, i should not let them be as loud as they want. When she says loud, she means i allow them to talk. She thinks that they should not be allowed to talk in the same room as adults....otherwise they are brats.
She is a freak, God only knows how she has made such an angel boy.

OP posts:
Janos · 13/04/2009 18:16

Your poor nephew. Someone really must step in and help him. Thank goodness he has you to show him such kindness and just allow him to be a little boy

It sounds as though your sister is, speaking bluntly here, abusive. That is notwithstanding 'differences' people might have about birthdays etc.

Do you know why people get away with abusive behaviour? Because it's so often kept in the family.

I agree with others who say you should call in Social Services. Why can't you? I would if this was going on in my family (and I knew about it), without compunction.

Janos · 13/04/2009 18:17

"God only knows how she has made such an angel boy. "

Well, he's probably terrified of her and that's why he is so 'good', because of the consequences if he isn't. Probably also why he goes nuts at your house!

Northernlurker · 13/04/2009 18:23

Frankly from everything you have said I would say screw not wanting to rock the boat! This is one boat that needs rocked!

  1. Your sister becomes angry and argumentative with anybody who might give her feedback on how she parents.

  2. She fails to notice that her son smells and is wet - or fails to act on it.

  3. Her son is quiet and subdued. (Because he's frightened??)

  4. She witholds gifts and toys from him

  5. She pronounces that she 'hates' children

  6. Her son is frequently wetting himself at school at the age of 7.

  7. She doesn't like children to talk and equates children talking and playing with bad behaviour.

Ok - this is way beyond a few parenting quirks and everybody doing something differently. Your nephew is imo being abused and neglected. You did to do something - call social services!

ruty · 13/04/2009 18:24

she sounds Dickensian. would be a great shame to have to involve SS if it meant he and his sister would have to be removed and not with family, even separated from each other. but the current situation sounds very damaging for the children. I'm a bit stunned at some of the comments here agreeing some children who wet the bed are 'lazy' tbh.

CarGirl · 13/04/2009 18:25

You are actually enabling your sister to emotionally abuse your nephew. When he's an adult how would you feel if he asked you why you did nothing to stop it when you clearly know it's going on by giving him the opportunity to get away from it by spending lots of time with you.

Sorry if that sounds harsh on you but she is being emotionally abusive.

QueenDesentialShadows · 13/04/2009 18:27

It is so sad really, how abuse is allowed to go on, because the only people who see it, wont help the child because "it is family".

You have a duty to your family, have you not? HE is your family, he is a child who needs help. It is of course nice that this little boy has a refuge with you and your mum, but do you really think this makes up for how he is treated on a daily basis?

Portoeufino · 13/04/2009 18:35

To me this is neglect at the very least. The poor lad! I'm not very "maternal" but my dd is happy, well cared for, probably even a bit spoiled!

I can appreciate that it must be very difficult to call in SS on a member of your own family. Can you call the NSPCC for advice?

Janos · 13/04/2009 18:44

Excellent post Northernlurker.

I'd also add that I'm not 'maternal' either but this goes beyongd not being maternal.

Good advice Portoeufino, about calling NSPCC.

Someone really needs to do something for this poor little boy who is, at the least neglected.

Must admit I'm surprised her behaviour hasn't raised alarm bells with the doctors/school - or maybe it has?

Gentle · 13/04/2009 18:45

Yes call NSPCC for advice. They have more time to talk around the issue and can make referrals to SS if necessary, which would allow you to access support whilst maintaining a degree of impartiality.

More information here

wannaBe · 13/04/2009 18:53

yes, you need to call social services. By not doing so you are complicit in the treatment of this child.

Some children do wet themselves because they are so busy doing other things/they wait until the last minute so by the time they are desparate it is too late. My friend's ds does this sometimes and he is quite open about it and it does drive her mad, but we're talking maybe once a week...

However 4/5 times a day is not normal by anyone's standards. And clearly she is aware of it if she says it's lazyness, she's just choosing not to do anything about it.

And I wonder if he really doesn't do it at home or whether she's just so wrapped up in her own world that she's oblivious to what her children are doing and they're so scared of her that they don't want her to know.

You really must call social services. if not you are enabling the abuse.

piscesmoon · 13/04/2009 18:57

I agree with Northernlurker. Her response to his problem is way OTT and not likely to produce the result she wants anyway.

Hulababy · 13/04/2009 19:20

I feel so so sorry for this poor little boy.It is very rarely just pure laziness that makes an older child wet, and even if it appears to be laziness chances are there is some underlying reason be it pscyhological or medical.
Her punishing him for wetting is so against the grain of all modern parenting techniques and sounds downright cruel, and more likely to do more harm then good especialy long term. Infact that form of punishment could make the wetting itself far worse, and could definitely do damage to their relationship. I assume you are allowed to treat him on his birthday, if it is something you normally do. Has she said you can't?

Hulababy · 13/04/2009 19:23

Infact the more I have read on this thread the more I think you eed to step in and tell someone who might be able to help.

ickletickle · 13/04/2009 19:30

erm reading this post, have you thought about contacting social services.

LIZS · 13/04/2009 19:31

Surely the school could speak to her about the wetting and get a nurse/hv involved if needs be. It can't have escaped them .I assume your dm doesn't mention it to them , perhaps because she set up the pattern herself . Is his father in the picture to approach ?

tbh it isn't up to you to dismiss her parenting or interfere with how she disciplines but he does clearly need support from family or someone outside. Make sure he knows he can approach you wihtout you flying off the handle or criticising your sister

madlentileater · 13/04/2009 19:37

have not read whole thread, just wanted to say poor little boy, if he was my dn, I think I would make a fuss of him on his birthday and sod undermining the mother, he needs someone to be kind and value him.
You may be the only caring adult in his life.
Poor thing, I feel really sorry for him.
Would she change her view if she read a load of complete strangers all disagreing with her?

notoverit · 13/04/2009 19:51

I can only remember having one party myself but I never really parties... So I dont see that as being really mean, unless he is always asking for one but can never have one.

I do not understand why she would punich him by saying he cannot go to parties or have one himself because he wets his self.

I am not claiming to know loads about children but I think it i not a good sign if they are wetting themself at 7years of age. It could be a phsyical problem or a nervous problem, but I think more likly to be the second with a mother like that.

It all sounds very strange.

katiestar · 13/04/2009 20:51

I don't think you should undermine your sister.As much as you think she is 'misguided' at the end of the day she is his mother and it his her decision.
How would you feel if teh boot was on the other foot ?
But you can make a fuss of your DN and give him lots of love and fun.And you can talk to your sister about your DN's problem and ask her why she thinks it is down to laziness and encourage her to visit the GP