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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be offended that a one-night stand only wanted a one-night stand?

109 replies

didIreally · 13/04/2009 12:05

Ok- Im pretty sure I am but please hear me out.

Met a really nice bloke on Friday night and ended up going home with him and having sex! (Totally out of character but had a great time!) First man I've slept with since I split up with exH a year ago.

I was happy for it just to be a one-night thing as I am really enjoying being on my own but feel offended that he hasn't called or even text me.

It's really knocked my confidence. What is wrong with me? Did he not find me attractive?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, I know I'm being ridiculous but would have been nice if he'd have wanted to see me again. (although I probably wouldn't want to meet up with him again!)

OP posts:
vjg13 · 13/04/2009 12:40

The text wasn't that bad, don't worry about it. Just delete his number so NEVER tempted again.

tessofthedurbervilles · 13/04/2009 12:43

I know exactly what you mean, you were happy for it to be a one night thing and accepted it for what it was but then big part thinks 'why did HE only want me for one night?! How dare he!'
Men don't get in touch for all manner of reasons and it isn't personal...he might be in a different place at the mo and not looking for more.
He is rude to have not responded re the bag so I guess you just smirk smugly knowing 'you've still got it' and move on.
I snogged the bloody face on a 23 year old (I'm early 30's) and was so impressed with myself the next day I couldn't care if he was bragging in the play ground to his mates about the old witch he snogged the night before...in my world I was HOT!!!

Original poster
didIreally · 13/04/2009 12:46

Thanks alot guys. You've made me feel so much better. Funny, on Saturday I was feeling great bout it all- I got laid!!! Ha ha. But today I just felt like crap. Think Im just to hard on myself.
Tess, Im so glad you know what I mean. Its not that I wanted anything more but was worried why he didn't like me! Im such an idiot!

OP posts:
YanknbeforetheCockcrows · 13/04/2009 12:46

Good on you for deleting the number.

Don't beat yourself up about the text, it's all part of the learning experience....

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/04/2009 12:47

why did you exchange numbers if you only wanted it to be a one night stand?

did you ask for his - or did he offer it - did he ask for yours?

hope you used a condom and was it good sex?

and we have all been a bit bunny boilerish in our days

Nancy66 · 13/04/2009 12:50

Do you know his circs? Maybe he's attached?

Maybe you genuinely DID lose your bag but the old 'lost property as an excuse to contact a bloke' is pretty widely used and usually sends men running for the hills.

a lot of women also deliberately leave something behind so that gives them an excuse to make contact and meet again.

see it for what it was - a good rogering!

Original poster
didIreally · 13/04/2009 12:50

He gave me his number and took mine whilst we were out. we used condoms and the sex was GOOD!!!! Really good actually.

OP posts:
MegBusset · 13/04/2009 12:51

Don't worry about the text -- you don't sound like a bunny-boiler, just perhaps like you are keener than he is! Chalk it up to experience but remember, as Lulu said, there's nothing wrong with one-night stands as long as you a) are safe and b) are in the right headspace not to feel knocked back when someone never texts again!

purpleduck · 13/04/2009 12:51

YABU for wanting him to call etc..
But well done for getting back in the saddle again

Original poster
didIreally · 13/04/2009 12:54

Maybe he is attached Nancy. He said he was single- but who knows!
Poor GF if he is attached. He was abit to good to be true to be single. Good looking, funny,wadded, good job/car/flat.
Reckon he probably had a gf or is really gay! Just my luck

OP posts:
tessofthedurbervilles · 13/04/2009 12:59

Men can be very clinical about things if they are not interested in a ltr. It is no reflection on you at all. Just do the smirking, and you have clearly still got it to have pulled him...just force yourself to move on and if you ver see him again smile in a knowing way and ask if he got much for your bag on ebay.

hobbgoblin · 13/04/2009 12:59

Reading between the lines of your posts I'd seriously consider not doing the one night stand thing again, you don't sound as though you can hack it, emotionally.

I had loads and loads of one night stands in my 20s and after my divorce one or two which I barely enjoyed.

Now I'm in a phase of singledom again after the 2nd of 2 serious relationships post -divorce, I have to say that if I need my sexual needs fulfilled I will not be looking at quick shags in order to do so.

I know that a vibrator is more than adequate for that purpose and anything else involves emotions. I don't wish to mix the two son it's a relationship or DIY and I won't be muddling the two up, ever!

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/04/2009 12:59

least he was good sex, i had crap sex on one of my one nighters - had a very small willy, and i asked was it in and it was

needless to say, we didnt repeat the experience

just remember it could have been worse!!!!

Original poster
didIreally · 13/04/2009 13:05

Bhmf- You've really cheered me up.
Hobb, maybe your right. Was my first ever one-night stand! It shows doesnt it?!

OP posts:
hobbgoblin · 13/04/2009 13:12

didIreally, I'm sure you will know deep down how you felt about it. When I was doing this kind of thing frequently, I definitely did not care one bit about the next morning, I was glad to walk away tbh. A phonecall would have been weird and I rarely exchanged numbers.

I'm now used to sex being part of something bigger and so casual sex is bound to feel inferior to me on that basis, so I guess I just think 'what's the point?'.

I think that if masturbation doesn't cut it then it is probably the emotional side that one is missing, and so going out and getting a quick fuck isn't going to deal with what you are missing, iyswim.

This is just my pov of course.

There is no weakness, imo, in being the kind of person that cannot enjoy one night stands for what they are, just as there is none in being the kind of person who can spend months or years repeatedly hooking up with men just for sex. It's all about where you are comfortable emotionally.

What is dangerous is fooling oneself.

smellybulldog · 13/04/2009 13:14

Don't waste any more time worrying about it, it wasn't that bunny boiler-ish. It's not like you said "so now we're an item I was wondering if you wanted to meet my parents tomorrow?". Just put it down to experience and forget about it. You haven't done anything wrong at all, you just have 'beer fear'.

expatinscotland · 13/04/2009 13:17

YABU.

If and when you get to the point where it bothers you that a one-nighter doesn't call or text you later, then you need to stop having one-nighters.

Been there, bought the tshirt.

See this is a lesson not to have one-nighters anymore.

expatinscotland · 13/04/2009 13:18

I used to give out fake numbers or old numbers to one-nighters who asked and even used fake names.

I can't even remember the names of some one-nighters who were really good sex and certainly not surnames.

smellybulldog · 13/04/2009 13:19

also I'm not sure I agree with some of the posts saying that you bought emotions into it or that you can't handle one night stands. Sometimes it's as simple as your ego wanting people to fancy you/persue you even if you're not interested in them.

expatinscotland · 13/04/2009 13:26

'Sometimes it's as simple as your ego wanting people to fancy you/persue you even if you're not interested in them.'

Then you can't handle one-night stands and shouldn't be having them.

Because they're by definition fancying someone for one night, getting a great shag out of it (or not!) and then moving on.

If your ego's to the point where you want people to fancy and pursue you even though you're not interested in them, it's not being very kind to yourself to go and shag them in order to get that.

It can be pretty damaging emotionally.

I learned this the hard way.

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/04/2009 13:26

didireally glad i cheered you up

there is nothing worse that crap sex with a one night stand

you want to be glowing, had many orgasims and float (luckily had one of those as well to make up for the crap one)

expatinscotland · 13/04/2009 13:28

God, yes, Blondes! I had the miniscule willy one night stand, the OMG he's got a back like a gorilla one nighter, the climb out the bathroom window one nighter, the wound up in A&E one nighter, etc.

expatinscotland · 13/04/2009 13:30

Oh, yes, the 'My, you really are into body piercing' one nighter.

howtotellmum · 13/04/2009 13:31

Maybe it is a simple as thinking we can cope with a ons, then the reality hitting us and making us realise that no, it's not for us.

Did you just want the ego boost of him saying "you were great...it was good for me too.? If so, that is totally understandable, but maybe not how guys work.

I think the bag think was OTT- I once did that years back with an earring.."Did I lose it at your house"- just a ploy to talk to him again ( this was before mobile phones existed) and when he said "No" , end of conversation, I felt really sad and stupid. Lesson learned.

ScottishThistle · 13/04/2009 13:35

A one night stand should be that and just that in my experience.

Expat, pissing myself ~ been there also.

I did a runner one night, luckily the loo was by the front door. Would have loved to have been a fly on the wall 10mins later when he realised I was gone!