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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a 'big' wedding?

41 replies

redtape · 13/04/2009 10:50

I have just got engaged. We have been discussing the wedding and we both feel that we want a small, quiet wedding. DP is shy and uncomfortable in crowds and hates being the centre of attention. I'm pretty similar, I have massive "do's" that take forever to organise, £s of expence, a lot of stress etc just for half an hour in a registry office.

My family are quite loud however and love a good do. They will be upset and put out if I go ahead with a small, quiet ceremony.

We do plan to have a reception back at our favourite pub which has a play area for the kids etc so that should be lively but I still want the wedding to be quiet and private.

AIB a misery?

OP posts:
Original poster
redtape · 13/04/2009 10:50

that should say I HATE massive do's.

OP posts:
pginthecloset · 13/04/2009 10:51

No, YANBU or a misery.

It's your wedding, do it how you want

roulade · 13/04/2009 10:52

YANBU it's your wedding so have exactly what you want. You could just go away and do it secretly then have a party later on to keep the family happy.

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 13/04/2009 10:52

No you are not being a misery, if that's how you and Dh-to-be want to get married then that's how you should get married.
Your family will get there "do" at the pub.

Honestly if you give in to your family you will regret it.

Northernlurker · 13/04/2009 10:55

I have a friend whose dh felt exactly like that and in the end they eloped! That upset their families a lot more than a 'small quiet wedding' would have! So if anybody complains, threaten to elope and do things your way.

mychildrenarebarmy · 13/04/2009 11:00

No, YANBU, my DH and I are much the same and did things exactly the way we wanted to. We actually had people complain that we weren't having a big disco or anything. My response was that it was our wedding day and we were doing it for us, if people wanted to share that with us great if they didn't then fair enough. Too many people put silly amounts of emphasis on the wedding day when really it is the next 50/60 years that matter.

dollius · 13/04/2009 11:00

Agree with NL. My DH and I ran off and got married on our own because I just couldn't bear the idea of a big wedding. We planned to have a party for family and friends later on, but my parents were so furious they didn't speak to us for three months and we had to cancel the party. Was a horrible experience.

If I could do it again, I would have a small ceremony with family and very close friends and just leave it at that (even though I would still want to go off on our own). It was not being included at all that upset my parents so much.

BrokenFlipFlop · 13/04/2009 11:27

YANBU- I honestly believe that when it comes to weddings you have to do what you both want. Its very difficult as you feel obliged to keep everyone else happy but it is your day and I tihnk that you'll regret it if you have a 'big do' simply to keep your families happy. Besides, you are compromising by having a gathering at the Pub so surely that'll suffice?

Plan a wedding day that'll make you both happy and stick to those plans.

Congrats and good luck

Gentle · 13/04/2009 12:06

YANBU - do what you think will make you happiest. I think the pub reception sounds smashing.

Unless you have unlimited funds and powers of entertainment there will always be someone who falls off the list. This applies whether you invite 10 guests or 80.

Warning, though. My best mate married abroad, just her and her DP, and I was delighted for her. Unfortunately ever since then she has become quite lofty about how she can't abide people who go in for big weddings, what a waste of time and money it all is and how no-one really enjoys them etc. I had a big wedding, and next time she gets on her "small is better" horse I'm going to tell her that I'm beginning to feel insulted. I suspect that deep down she feels the need to justify her small wedding ad infinitum because she is still not sure that she did what she really wanted to do. I'm not saying that's the case for you though!

chequersmate · 13/04/2009 12:09

FGs, it's all about you, isn't it? This is a day about the family, not your relationship with your DP - how can you be selfish as to consider disappointing them?

No, not really. Do it however you want to, your day sound lovely. Your day, your choice, all the way.

MarlaSinger · 13/04/2009 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vjg13 · 13/04/2009 12:42

YANBU, We got married in USA and invited everyone knowing they wouldn't come. About 14 of us in the end. Then had a big party when we got back for about 100.

ChippingIn · 13/04/2009 12:59

YANBU - if it's what you both want then it's what you should do. As long as you include both sets of parents as much as you can cope with, then no-one else has the right to feel put out - only priviledged to be there

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/04/2009 13:01

do what you want

your dp sounds the same as mine, he is shy/doesnt like fuss (complete opposite of me) and we got married abroad with just immediate family, but then came home to a big piss up reception for friends and family - and as the deed had been done my dh was relaxed

LaTrucha · 13/04/2009 13:16

Well, as long as there's a 'do' afterwards at the pub, I don't see why they'd mind.

Do what you want to do. Get it organised quiclky and give them plenty of time to get used to the idea. Go shopping with your mum and buy her a big hat or something. IME Mum's liek a bit of fuss at this time.

mumof2andabit · 13/04/2009 13:46

yanbu it sounds lovely to me

When we got married we thought we would upset too many people so went from just us and our two witness's to family and close friends and a few more people at the reception. tbh we hardly saw eachother during the reception as i was being walked round by differing relatives saying hello to everyone while Dh hid with our friends and his family to avoid the mad ones!

Enjoy your day

paisleyleaf · 13/04/2009 14:09

YANBU
Try not to be pushed into something you don't want.
We had a small wedding (about 20 guests), and if it's what you want I'd really recommend it. It was a lovely, lovely day.
We got married just 6 weeks after deciding to - so not much chance for plans to snowball and other people getting carried away with their own ideas.

crokky · 13/04/2009 14:14

What you have in mind sounds very nice. Our wedding was just us, our parents and brothers and then we went to a restaurant round the corner afterwards. We have no regrets, our families said it was nice and really that's all there is to it IMO. If people want to have a big wedding themselves, that's their choice - I'm happy to go as a guest and have had enjoyed these occasions, but personally, I did not want to be "on display", did not have the money (even if we had, couldn't have stomached spending thousands on a party!) and did not want months/years of planning. Register office was really nice.

It's about the marriage, not the wedding.

pigsinmud · 13/04/2009 17:59

YANBU - got married 10 years ago today. We decided on April 8th and married on 13th - even paid extra at the reigstry office for short notice. No family apart from ds1 and about 6 friends. It was fab. Would have absolutely hated a big wedding - total waste of money in my opinion.

slowreadingprogress · 13/04/2009 18:10

your idea sounds very similar to our wedding! We had only about ten people to the register office, then back to ours for a buffet lunch, then we just went to the pub in the evening and had friends and family there, about 50 people in all I'd say.

Was lovely, I'd do it that way again for sure.

congratulations!

HecAteTheEasterBunny · 13/04/2009 18:56

YANBU - have the wedding that makes YOU happy.

ahfeckit · 13/04/2009 19:08

we had a small ceremony at the registry office (with 16 close friends and family members present), and an evening reception for everyone else to see us afterwards. wouldn't have had it any other way. we done it our way and have no regrets whatsoever. can't understand why people pay out so much for only one day.

ahfeckit · 13/04/2009 19:10

YANBU.

feetheart · 13/04/2009 19:17

YANBU at all, it's your wedding, your day, you do what you want.
It sounds lovely and similar to what we did - small registry wedding and a meal afterwards (for 13 of us) then a big picnic the next day for everyone. We did cake and fizz, they brought their own food and outdoor games - kites, juggling stuff, footballs, etc. Fantastic weekend and very little stress - result

moondog · 13/04/2009 19:21

Sounds great and much more meaningful than the usual identikit wedding in soulless hotel. I couldn't bear the idea of a big wedding either (although definitely not shy and retiring-just thought it was naff) and we went to the registry office o our own. Noone minded. How bitter and petty your family sound Doilus!