Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To not want a 'big' wedding?

41 replies

redtape · 13/04/2009 10:50

I have just got engaged. We have been discussing the wedding and we both feel that we want a small, quiet wedding. DP is shy and uncomfortable in crowds and hates being the centre of attention. I'm pretty similar, I have massive "do's" that take forever to organise, £s of expence, a lot of stress etc just for half an hour in a registry office.

My family are quite loud however and love a good do. They will be upset and put out if I go ahead with a small, quiet ceremony.

We do plan to have a reception back at our favourite pub which has a play area for the kids etc so that should be lively but I still want the wedding to be quiet and private.

AIB a misery?

OP posts:

CarGirl · 13/04/2009 19:22

I'd suggest that you present it as a done deal "this is what we're doing" but try and leave some areas where close family can be involved if they want to eg. help chose a cake or the menu, go clothes shopping. let parents invite 8 guests each etc etc

dollius · 13/04/2009 19:38

Yes, they do, don't they moondog? My parents think they should be in control of everything that ever happens.

They were unbearable throughout my sister's wedding (she let herself be bullied into a big do and ended up having to foot a large amount of the bill herself when really she and her DH just wanted to do what we did).

They couldn't just be happy for me, oh no. Cos it really is all about them.

RANT OVER!

moondog · 13/04/2009 19:46

Oh dear.
Did you just ignore thier sulks then? Who ended the 3 month non speaking thing?

jennybensmummy · 13/04/2009 20:00

we have a similar issue but have chosen to get married just us two at gretna green and then a big party when we get back, they all seem happy with that idea so far!

ChocFudgeCake · 13/04/2009 23:16

Do your quiet thing!
I wanted so much to have something simple and ended up with 200 people (most of them friends of the parents )
I am sorry that I let them get involved so much. Of course at the end they payed, it was their party! They even had something to say about the invitations I designed. Argh.

NotSoSkinnyNow · 14/04/2009 14:07

Definatly go ahead and plan your wedding the way you would like it.
I have cancelled two weddings because of issues with my parents and now I really regret it.(long story! same DP tho!) I am now expecting DC2 and would love nothing better than to be married to my DP, the father of my 2 children. but at this stage, the whole getting married thing has really lost its appeal...apart from me now feeling that any money would be better spent on our children etc, it just feels like the moment has passed, if that makes sense.

Have your wedding whatever way you would like it. people should indeed feel lucky to be included in your special day. Even if they're not happy about your plans now, over time they will get used to the idea. Your regrets will be longer lasting though.

tootyflooty · 14/04/2009 14:19

it's your day, as long as you and your dp are happy, then everyone else should be. Don't get drawn into discussions about it. Or before you know it you will have made so many compromises your wedding will bear no resemblance to the day you planned.

good luck

purplemonkeydishwasher · 14/04/2009 14:21

Dh and I had a very small wedding and reception. people still comment on it (6 years later) because it was so different (in a nice way)from the HUGE dos that poeple have.

Curiousmama · 14/04/2009 14:26

YANBU dp and I want to do the same, in fact I like the pub with play area idea might think of something along a similar line? Another thing we're thinking of is going away and just taking the kids but I did that last time (before kids) and would quite like others to be there this time.

Hope you get what you want

ShannaraTiger · 14/04/2009 14:36

Thanks Redtape we are having exactly the same problem. We got engaged June 10th 2000, 2 dc's later still can't face thinking about the wedding.

slug · 14/04/2009 14:54

I don't blame you. Little sis's DH is very shy (his English isn't great when he gets nervous) and he dreaded the thought of a large wedding. They had a very small registry affair, there were 9 of us in total and we went for a lunch at Cafe Rouge afterwards. They then hired a villa in his home country for a week where the family from both sides congregated for a week long house party. BIL was far more relaxed, doing the translating for us, and they stayed at their own apartment so he could escape the mass of our family when it all got too much. It was, quite frankly, one of the best weddings I've ever been to. And, as my sister pointed out, far cheaper than a reception in London.

notsoclever · 14/04/2009 14:54

We are getting married in the autumn. Just the 2 of us and my 2 dcs as witnesses. That is it. No parents, no siblings, no friends.

We have chosen a location that is very special to us. We have arranged an independent interfaith minister to conduct the ceremony. We are writing our own vows. We will have lots and lots of flowers.

It is just exactly what we want.

Our parents are elderly and would find it difficult to travel. They are just happy for us to do what is important to us. The only person who is a little upset is my sister (who I love dearly and I am very close to). But once we start to invite one member of a family it will expand to include all siblings and their partners and their children.

Go for what you what and enjoy it.

sfxmum · 14/04/2009 15:02

we had a quite small registry office wedding followed by wedding breakfast and people just hanged around into the evening/night drinking and eating cake
(while we went for a walk, spot of shopping and then bed)
best wedding they have been to they all said all very relaxed and the way we wanted
do what suits you best

Bathsheba · 15/04/2009 02:15

It all depends how you sell it...

If you make a big thing to the "loud big-do characters" in your family about how you want it "small and quiet and peaceful" then you will get lots of the "Oh but we love a big do..." type comments...

If however you describe it as a "smallish ceremony followed by a party in the pub with all the kids playing in the play area" then they will view the whole thing as a bit more "like what they like", when actually you are having the day you want and keeping them happy...

You can have exactly that day, smallish ceremony, non formal event in the pub - just pick your words carefully how you describe it to people...! Don;t put a big deal on the "small and intimate" description with people who will protest at things being "small and intimate"..

Tortington · 15/04/2009 02:18

someone in here ( i forget who) invited friends and rellies round to their house for a party - but fucked off beforehand and got wed at the registrars and then announced it at the party - jolly great idea thinks i.

i hope my daughter doesn't waste her money on wedding one upmanship tat, i would rather her go abroad and have a lovely wedding on a beach.

can you do that?

rellies can come if they pay their own air fair and accomodation costs...meaning they won't come

newtotheplanet · 15/04/2009 06:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Flip

1 2