to be fed up with people saying " how do you cope, I couldn't you must be really special"

[2shoestrodonalltheeggs]

ok so dd is severley disabled but that doesn't make me specail, and what am I suppsed to do......not cope!!!

Im guessing they say that because being a parent is hard work at the best of times but you have additional problems to deal with and that makes you special.

As a parent of 3 boys i cant imagine coping with the additional problems/health issues/others peoples attitudes etc etc but im sure no one believes that they can cope with circumstances that life throws at us

YANBU. Must be very irritating.

YANBU

My Mum said to me once "I'd have gone mad if I couldn't have had children - I'd have stolen one". Funnily enough when it happened to me I dealt with it. Because that was the only choice, as you say.

I think what they mean is "you have to be really special to cope with your disabled DD because otherwise I'd have to offer to help you out and I don't want to".

my sm used to say that the people who worked at dd's school were special people. I did start to wonder if my dd was so horrid only special people could be near her

This is just one of those things people say in order to have something to say, surely? People are always telling me how strong I am to have dealt with two horrible bereavements and it always leaves me a bit baffled tbh - like, I didn't choose for it to happen but since it has I have just had to suck it up. It's not a question of being one thing or another, it's just what happens.

maybe its meant as a compliment on how well you are coping?

I think YABU actually- I have a child with very severe special needs myself too, but I would rather see the best in people and take it as it is probably meant. They aren't really saying "I would rather stick pins in my eyes than help you", they are trying to say, however clumsily, that you are doing a good job in difficult circumstances and you deserve some recognition for it. I think that moaning about people saying this kind of thing, or professionals calling you Mum or whatever, is actually bad for you because it sucks you into a negative mindset where you can't spot help, support and good wishes because you are too busy being self-righteous, prickly and defensive. Save your energy, I reckon, because parents to SN children certainly need it, and try and see the good in he world: fate might have dealt us a blow, but that shouldnt mean that we become cynical, because we will get through it all so much more easily if we can at least try to be positive and happy.

Aren't they just trying to be nice though?

And regards the not coping thing, maybe they mean as opposed to putting a child in permanent residential/foster care like Julia Hollander.

YANBU if you hear it so often that it annoys you.
But, I say stuff like this all the time, I am full of admiration of people with more than 2 DC, for instance, or people who do what I would consider "difficult" jobs (because I don't think I would naturally very good at them) like nursing or the fireservice.
So, people are only trying to be nice and are actually trying to pay you a compliment, because they realise that your circumstances are different.
But when you hear it all the time it must grate!

YANBU but have you stopped to think why people say it? People might actually be genuinely in awe of what you manage to do and cope with in an average day compared to what they have to cope with. While it might seem like normal to you if you've always had to do it, it maybe won't to other people.

I'm sure people are only saying it in a nice way which is supposed to make you feel as if they think you're doing a great job and are a really good mum.

It's a bit like people who give special awards to carers - do you think they shouldn't do that or no one should ever acknowledge or recognise what carers do? IMHO, that's where the people who say that to you are coming from so maybe you should cut these people a little slack?

I know riven you would think so,
then they add the "it's a shame"
I always feel it's a shame they are so thick and ugly when they say that lol

I think when you are not in the position of the carer you always run the risk of
offending them - whatever you say. You can't do right for doing wrong. If you offered to carry the heavy shopping the chances are they would probably read something patronising into that too.

YANBU.

I am always a bit at people who come out with this stuff.

You just get on with it. That's life. I find it strange that people are labelled as extraordinary when they are simply doing what they have to.

< hands shopping to gunnerbean >

I can tell you I'd be more than happy to do either - but I'd have to do it in silence for fear of opening mouth and blurting something out in an attempt to be nice which would no be interpreted as patronising

This is an interesting thread. Its something I have come across a lot for different reasons and I never know quite how to feel. People said it to me when DD had cancer 'you are so strong, I dont know how you cope, I couldnt'. Well what was I supposed to do? Tell her to make her own way to chemo because I didnt like it when she cried.

Since she died people say 'if that was me I wouldnt be able to live' that pees me off quite a bit. Are they saying that somehow I managed to keep going because I dont care as much about my child as they do?

The one that upsets me most is 'oh isnt he lucky?' when they talk about my DD2 because we adopted him (he also has SN so it adds an extra opportunity to be a bit )

All of the above are said with the best intentions (most of the time). I dont believe that they are said to upset me or insult me or my child. They are said frequently by all kinds of people in all kinds of situations.

I dont really know if YA or YAN BU, because I cant decide if I am

So sorry about your dd, chegirl.

In relation to the thread, my ds was diagnosed with autism a few years ago, with speech + language disorder. We're really pleased with the way he's come on, he's lovely looking, comical + his speech is of a standard that people can now understand him. Does annoy me when he's chatting away + my FIL says, "Shame isn't it, poor boy + what a burden for you!!" He always claims he can't understand him, but if he was patient enough to sit + listen, he would.

I thoroughly enjoy my ds's company, am proud at the progess he's making + I don't think of him as a "burden" at all! I also don't like him described as "poor", as he's certainly not, he has an excellent quality of life. My FIL loves him, but I think that generation have more of a problem with what's "normal + not normal", than we do.

This has made me think too.

I don't know if I've ever said this to anyone but if I have it would have been meant as a compliment as I really don't know if I would have been able to manage in the same situation. I would be more than happy to offer help but would worry that it might send the opposite message - "you don't look like you're coping, let me help you out" and then that might be a whole other AIBU.

I will think more carefully in future if I'm in that situation but I suspect it will always to difficult to judge it just right. Just out of interest OP, would you rather that people just treated your DD as they would any other child and not refer to any disabilities in general everyday conversation ?

ds is my son simple as that no choice really.i get the oh the poor boy

Maybe they feel sorry for him becuas e he has a ginger hair mum