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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up with people saying " how do you cope, I couldn't you must be really special"

270 replies

2shoestrodonalltheeggs · 11/04/2009 17:26

ok so dd is severley disabled but that doesn't make me specail, and what am I suppsed to do......not cope!!!

OP posts:
justaboutspringtime · 13/04/2009 18:11

This reply has been deleted

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LeninGrad · 13/04/2009 19:06

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KimiAteTooManyEasterEggs · 13/04/2009 19:20

I always thought I would be the last person in the world to cope with someone with a disability, I have no patience, I am not really good with people full stop.

My mum has now had to have a leg amputated and is chair bound and needs help, what am I supposed to do walk away and say sorry your too much like hard work? I don't know what to do? Fair enough I was scared and I did not know how she would cope or I would cope helping her but I am learning and I do it cause she is my mum and needs help and I am her daughter and I love her.

Some people have said oh how do you cope... you just do, you do because you have to want to or not.

I always thought it took a special sort of person to care for someone with a disability, I was wrong. I am not special in the least I do what has to be done.

But I do understand what people mean when they say it.

MintyyAeroEgg · 13/04/2009 19:30

Threads like this (and there have been more and more of them lately on Mumsnet) trouble me a great deal.

Their net effect is to make me question my natural impulse to make conversation with strangers, to try and find some common ground, just to talk and be friendly.

If people can't give others around them a break because what they say is not very original, or because that other person cannot understand or empathise 100% with what their life is actually like day to day, then it seems that kindly-meant attempts at conversation are seen as irritating, intrusive or ignorant.

Best just to ignore each other when out and about eh? Just incase you accidentally say something offensive.

stillenacht · 13/04/2009 19:36

...but these threads are here to educate everyone how to deal with these situations other wise we can either just bury our heads in the sand or continue to say the wrong thing/awkward thing...

As a mum of an SN child I enjoy this debate being discussed with everyone .

ickletickle · 13/04/2009 19:36

i personally think yabu as it is a compliment, but then i can also see how frustrating it must be for people to say this.

stillenacht · 13/04/2009 19:38

ickletickle - it is not a compliment it is a "thank god its not me" comment and quite condescending imo and ime.

MintyyAeroEgg · 13/04/2009 19:42

You are saying "I only want you to talk to me so long as you don't offend me, so long as you only say something intelligent/ helpful/inoffensive". I think that is completely unrealistic and more than any of us can hope for whether we have children with SN or not.

ickletickle · 13/04/2009 19:47

stillenacht, thats your intepretation! if they say it they know the person in question is not "special" or more gifted or whatever but they just want to acknowledge that maybe just perhaps life isnt as easy as it is for others and want to register their support.

give them a break!

stillenacht · 13/04/2009 19:48

No, i am just saying being called special is bloody annoying!

KimiAteTooManyEasterEggs · 13/04/2009 19:49

I would rather people ask about why my mother has a leg missing or why my 12 year old is squeaking and winking at them then just stare.

I have no problem with it, I am one of those people who always manages to say the wrong thing, of the right thing in the wrong way

stillenacht · 13/04/2009 19:50

I would rather people asked what disability my son has and how this affects our lives than just say the old "special children for special people" shite i have heard soooooo many times

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 13/04/2009 20:03

but most people trot out a cliche as they have no idea what else to say, want to say something nice/supportive and have no idea why it is offensive.

i am not sure why the hurry to see the bad in people

threads in the past have said don't ask/don;t look, or ask questions and look. it seems you are damned if you do, and damned if yuo don;t

i think it is far better and more realistic to presume people who say these things, these tired old cliches, are doing it from the right motivation, rather than saying it to piss you off, or make you angry

i thikn you just have to take things at face value sometimes

you are right, you have to cope, that is the only way forward, but if you are not in that situation , it must seem insurmountable, so people are really in awe

don't be so quick to dismiss them, you are sick of hearing it , but they might have only said it a handful of times, you are living with it, day in and day out, they are not, so they just want to acknowledge you and your chidlren .

is that really so bad?

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 13/04/2009 20:04

most people are probabyl afraid to ask what is the matter

stillenacht · 13/04/2009 20:06

thats a little patronising - of course i know people are in awe, people only mena the best etc.. - they are bloody glad its not them in that position too. I know that. I remember my life and my attitude before i was lumbered with autism. I remember thinking that people who care for disabled relatives were "special" and "chosen" and all that old rubbish - now I realise i was just unlucky to get such a disability thrown into the mix of my life.....

stillenacht · 13/04/2009 20:08

personally Luluis i would rather they ask than spout platitudes.

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 13/04/2009 20:12

i am sorry if you find it patronising.

is it not possible to admire people with more on their plates than most, without being patronising? having read about some of the massive struggles that parents have had to get a diagnosis, a statement, any help, DLA , etc etc etc , i am amazed by the strenght, teh determination and the patience.

yes, there is no choice but to battle, but why is it wrong or patronising to express that?

platitudes are easier, sure they are, but is it so wrong if it is from the heart?

it is a minefield and makes me think twice about even making eye contact or talking to anyone in that situation in case i inadvertently piss them off or patronise them

ickletickle · 13/04/2009 20:14

stillenacht, i am bit confused. what do you really want people to say? we're not trying to patronise you. but you seem mightly angry about this!

stillenacht · 13/04/2009 20:16

"why the hurry to see the bad in people"

sorry but this is a little patronising and infantilising.

"don't be so quick to dismiss them"

Sorry Miss....

I know its hard to read in between the lines with words and the meaning and sentiments behind words but I for one would far rather someone took an active interest in my child as i said before than trot off the old cliches.

spicemonster · 13/04/2009 20:17

stillenacht - all these threads do is to make me feel I dare say nothing. On the one hand you've got people on that other thread saying that being thrilled you've got a normal result from AN tests is a dreadful reaction because it means you would be really upset to have a child with SN. On the other, we have peachy on this thread (sorry to pick on you peachy, this is just an example) who says the best reaction she ever had was for a SENCO to say 'oh shit, not again'.

As far as I can see, those are opposite sides of the same coin aren't they? Or is there some subtlety I'm missing?

I am not for one moment suggesting that Peachy speaks for all parents of SN children but to me those two similar but apparently totally opposing viewpoints illustrate the damned if you do/damned if you don't debate very well.

I just don't strike up conversations with other parents any more - it's a bloody minefield.

stillenacht · 13/04/2009 20:17

ickletickle - as i have stated a number of times now - ask about the disability etc etc although i know that is harder and less easy to say than all the "special" rubbish.

stillenacht · 13/04/2009 20:19

I give cards out to anyone who stares at my son from the NAS as it helps to educate - for me, a way to deal with it is to let people know why he is making those funny noisees, or spinning, or flapping etc

stillenacht · 13/04/2009 20:21

I personally would rather nothing was said over the "special" stuff but if something is going to be said to me (and of course we as mums are all different regardless of SN) i would like "wow your son has a great pair of lungs on him! What disability does he have?He is fascinating and I'd love to know more about your boy" I have been known to say this type of thing to parents of other SN children whose disability i can't work out. It shows a genuine interest i think.

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 13/04/2009 20:23

ok, forget it stillenacht , i clearly cannot express myself, or try to debate this with you , or on the thread in general, without annoying you, so in future, i shall keep my mouth shut, and not bother posting my irritating opinion

when i see a NT child, i would not think of some deep and meaningful statement, is that equally patronising?

sorry, but i would find it hard to engage with you in RL if you were as snippy and rude as you are on this thread

ickletickle · 13/04/2009 20:25

quite honestly stillenacht i am beginning to feel you are that is being condescending, patronising etc. quite honestly, what gives you the god given right to come on here and tell people how to treat you? like we are supposed to be mindreaders or something. get a grip. sorry, this has made me a bit angry. clearly. over and out.