to be fed up with people saying " how do you cope, I couldn't you must be really special"

[2shoestrodonalltheeggs]

ok so dd is severley disabled but that doesn't make me specail, and what am I suppsed to do......not cope!!!

only read the first page so far...and swampsters story about the mother at the swing was beautyful.....I think, whilst it must be annoying for people to hear those platitudes, they are not given out of malice.
Well, I can only talk for myself, I suppose...but I will strike up conversation with any mom and should there the child have "special needs" I may well will try to talk about it, and I may well come out with platitudes....in an attempt to find out more...in attemtp just to strike up conversation...
however, mumsnet has taught me, to best just shut up, because you will only offend... anyway...

I do think though that 99% of the time nothing is meant by it, and I try to remember that. however, eole also need to remember that 99% of the time I have had that proverbial bad day (duble it for holidays ) and so might not be as understanding as I want to be.

I hate the fact that people might feel theyc ant say anything, thats the absolute worst.

I suppose because it is a part of that child and I suppose it is the one part that parenting that child will make it different, in some way...not saying this well, at all...!
It is in order to understand better....I mean...obviosuly if people are disrespectfulm etc...than that is a different matter....and of course if someone says...oh shame really...that is deeply offensive.....but honest....if someone says wow, how do you do it and blablabla...than truely I don't think it is meant nasty...just being in awe really....and yes, we all know that if it comes to it we would have to cope....but that doesn't make the hypothetical thought of it any less scary....

And I think, it is because first people will see the hardship it brings...not the joy it also brings...does that make any sense at all...

catski - i love your post

catski - i love your post

Riven, those BBC ouch questions are too, too funny!! Number 6 is amusing but number 8 is very funny because well-meaning people really do think it's a thoughtful comment to make!!

huh....some people eh? I think what it boils down to is that some people are just thoughtless...and don't get it, that, as a Mum you just have to cope....countless women do. I get comments all the time about having two very young children and being pg with a third...even from my family...and so-called friends. One said 'you mad woman'when she found out about the third.
My Mother has a way of handling this - she just stares at the person making the 'stupid/lame' comment and asks, "What exactly do you mean" and the idiot invariably looks like they wished the ground would just swallow them up...

Hi there all.....I am a mum of 6 children...all different and beautiful but not without difficulties......I get comments like "6 children and a teaching job...how do you cope....you are amazing" etc etc My oldest son is disabled and swims for Scotland and is a potential 2012 paralympian.....he gets comments like " you are amazing....how do you cope?" etc etc

When ds1 was a baby of about 9 months I was taking him swimming one day and was changing him in a communual changing area....2 little girls of about 5 and 6 were staring at ds1 and I was smiling at them. The girls turned to their mum and said " look look mummy look at the babies arm"...the mum turned to the girls and siad "just don't look"....
I am glad that the latter experience has been few and far between over the years and that the first comments made I have always thought of as kind and well intentioned....actually I am rather proud of myself for trying to be a good mum to a large family and I am proud of my ds1 for being a very strong and well balnced young man.....
we all get irritated at times when people make off the cuff remarks and it is easy to think of them as patronising but have a more positive attitude towards others leads to greater understanding and acceptance.....

sorry for long post and rant....

but people do ask that riven ! you make any new friends with babies /young children and the inevitable questions will be about the birth, is he/she sleeping through? have you started weaning blah blah blah.. it is common ground

Riven on some levels I can see the point about not asking at all, but equally I can see that there are some who, if someone made no reference at all to their child's potentially visible disability, would take that as the person deliberately avoiding the issue also..

If not acknowledging that a child has a disability is the way to go, how far do you take that? Do you make no allowances for that child's disability? Given that making an issue of it may offend the parents?

It goes without saying that malicious comments are never ok and I hope to God I've never expressed awe at how people cope

So to recap, what's the answer?

As ever there seems to be no way through any thread that includes sn or disability without accusations of patronising. condescention or sniping.

Being straightforward about how confused threads like this have made me feel in someway upset 2shoes but actually that wasn't my intention and I still am no further on.(sorry it's still all about me)

Different people want different approaches and responses but surely it actually isn't the worst thing in the world to be called special. As long as it's said in a right meaning and way there should be no problem with it, so actually YABU.

People often don't know what to say and as everyone wants something different than everyone else it is easy to get it wrong whilst trying to convey the right message. If you personally don't like it let them know what you do like.

Ronaldinhio you are right I abu so as you can see i have changed my name
my ds (17) thinks it is easy he says that we are not special we just get on with it.

2shoes I am honestly sorry if I offended you in any way, it wasn't my intention
truly

why are we held in awe?????? - i dont want to be held in awe - i want some bloody help! (I am sure i am not alone on that one!

Ronaldinhio oh no, you haven't honest.

Hey, wouldn't it be GREAT if Social Services thought parents of SN kids were special

indeed MMAJ

Was it Riven earlier who said no-one really get's it unless they've experienced it? I'm sure that is true. But what do you do if you haven't experienced it, but don't want to be patronising and want to chat?

On another thread I asked the question about how Riven manages logistically with both her and dd in wheelchairs. I was genuinely curious, and she answered the question. From MN I obviously know more of her story than if I met her and her dd in the park. (Sorry for 3rd party Riven!) But if I met her without knowing any of this, what should I say?

Should I compliment her dd's beautiful hair? (Seen the lovely face book pictures and I'm a redhead ) and ignore the wheelchair totally and just chat about the weather? (I'm generally very bad at small talk). I understand the point that people maybe see the disability first. Is it Ok to ask questions? (Obviously not the Ouch ones!) My dd is the same age, but our experience of parenting a 5 yo dd is necessarily different.

If I met a stranger in the park, I wouldn't be offering to come round and do the washing up etc. At the end of the day, I have to admit there are many posters on here that I admire for not only putting up with lots of shit, but keeping a sense of humour and sense of perspective about their lives whilst managing very difficult circumstances. Especially when compared to others (no names mentioned) who just throw money/paid help at every situation and are generally very critical of others lives.

I've had wine. Hope I didn't offend anyone = that is certainly not my intention!

Hey porto, do you mean me when you say throw money or hired help at a situation?