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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I'm being unreasonable but I need you to help me think of a reason why ds shouldn't spend a week in the summer with his medling granny please.

121 replies

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 10/04/2009 21:53

A bit of background, MIL (kind of, I was lucky not to marry ds's dad) has always been a meddler, she went into ds's school and asked them for a report because I didn't give her any info about ds as 'I was jealous that he got married', she dragged ds into a card shop to buy his (absent and previously spent more time in the pub then with ds) a fathers day card without asking me, I've witnessed her slap ds's cousin across the face for dragging a brolly on the floor (swears blind she doesn't hit children though), she 'forgets' to collect ds from school, constant criticism (what school I should send ds to etc), likes to meddle etc, told me ds's dad was loosing his job so the maintenance would stop (not true), there's alot more but I wouldn't want to bore you.

She only see's ds a few times a year but wants to take ds to see his aunt for a week in the summer. He's not been away from me any longer then one night, I need to get out of this. ds doesn't like her as she takes over and drags him around at her 99 miles an hour speed. Please help.
TIA.

OP posts:
LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 10/04/2009 21:55

YANBU

a week away from home for him is a long time, and for you, knowing you cannot trust her 100% is going to make you upset and anxious

how old is DS?

Original poster
FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 10/04/2009 21:55

He's 10. She's a nightmare

OP posts:
BananaFruitBunny · 10/04/2009 21:56

Is this an ex-partner's mother? Why do you need her in your life? Can you not just say no?

TheHedgeWitchIsNAK · 10/04/2009 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 10/04/2009 21:58

well, my DS is 9.6 . he adores and is adored by both sets of grandparents, who i trust implicitly, and i would still have reservations about him being away for a week, i thik it is way too long.

agree with hedgewithc,. no is no and you don;t have to justify it

easterchickfordinner · 10/04/2009 22:01

How old is DS? Personally if he hasn't been away from you more than a week I'd say that she can't take him away for that long.

But knowing what meddlers can be like and difficult is normally their first name - I would take the tact that she has to let you know when this is going to be. In the mean time book as much as you can for him during the summer. Hopefullly this will clash with the time and you have an excuse.

Remember you are being the nice person here by letting her have contact with DS, it's not written anywhere that you have to let her.

I imagine she would poo poo you saying that he couldn't go away for more than 1 night. Good Luck. I'm sure other MNers will have more solutions for you.

Original poster
FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 10/04/2009 22:02

I thought it would be better for ds to get to know his family. This was a very big mistake. She and grandad are divorced (I found out now), she had an affair and cleaned the house and the bank account out when she left.

I don't need her, she causes more stress then anything. I won't hear the last of it if I say no. I moved ds reciently out of the private school she's been nagging me to move him to for the last 4 years to one closer to home so he can make some friends where we live rather then 20 miles away. It's down the road and we can go on hoiday now, I put off telling her until last week, her reply was 'were there no places in * school?', the one miles away from where we live, closer to her. She offered to collect him every day if I moved him there, she has problems remembering to collect him and has failed to turn up before. Nothing I do is right and if I try and assert myself she turns into the victim.

I want to scream!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 10/04/2009 22:06

you cannot feel bullied into letting him go, so she does not give you a hard time!!

you have to stand up on his behalf, if i thought my DS would get slapped across the face by a grandparent, they would not be trusted for an hour, let alone a week

if she is toxic, bullying and interfering,how do either of you gain anythign!

odisco · 10/04/2009 22:07

She sounds like a nightmare - there's more than one of her out there! Gradually withdraw contact (take longer to answer calls, 'forget' now and then) and tell her he can't go. Really - you sound like you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

ChippingIn · 10/04/2009 22:07

I am a bit confused re your original post (she forgets to pick ds up from school/she doesn't see him more than a couple of times a year - but assume this is all in your frustrated haste!! LOL)...

However, irrespective of all the detail... he is your son (as Hedge said) - just say No. You don't need anymore than that.

Did the school give her any info? I would be seriously pissed off about her doing that and livid with them if they told her anything....

Luluis - I am a bit that you wouldn't let your son go away with his GP's for a week at 9. But hey, each to their own....

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 10/04/2009 22:09

well, i know that my DS would not manage well for a week. does not mean that is right for everyone, but there you go. i know what his limits are and mine too.

Original poster
FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 10/04/2009 22:09

She's like the energizer bunny on speed/curtain twitcher. Ds has said she's hit him before, she always denied it. I reduced contact alot when I saw her hit his cousin. Ds's dad just thinks she's getting old though , he always takes her side so it will be shit of her and shit off him.

I was thinking of renting a villa in Tuscany for the summer, I'm not sure this is far enough away though. I'm not going to let him go, I'll never hear the end of it though.

OP posts:
beanieb · 10/04/2009 22:10

Maybe, despite her son being a shit, she really just wants to keep some kind of contact with her grandson and this seems pushy?

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 10/04/2009 22:11

it is nice she wants contact, but sounds unreliable and frankly, the slapping would worry me greatly

imoverhere · 10/04/2009 22:11

What a nightmare of a woman. I think I would say that your ds isn't able to go away for more than one night from you. Or say that he has so much on over the holidays with you that he can't go at all - I certainly wouldn't let him go anywhere with her for a week!

I would actually say No, but that is easy for me to say! Good luck.

pointydog · 10/04/2009 22:16

does your ds want to go? At 10, I think he's old enough to have a big say.

Original poster
FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 10/04/2009 22:16

The head told her that everything goes to me as I'm ds's sole carer. The head said the MIL asked her not to say anything. I get nothing but lies from her as she denied it all. She does only see ds a couple of times a year, I have needed someone to collect ds from school on the odd occasion so have asked her out of necessity. I have not asked her since she 'forgot'. I've withdrawn contact so much, she used to have ds overnight, he'd come back tired and hungry though as she'd feed him a bowl of chips for lunck . He had a big blister on his hand on one occasion, it was bandaged up, he came home with no bandage on it and had picked the entire blister off his hand (so she said) "he wouldn't listen when I said not to" (he was 3!)

ds's limit with her is never unless I'm there. My limit is 10 mins before I want to kick her out of the door. I'm trying to be nice and welcoming for ds's sake, she's his family.

OP posts:
Original poster
FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 10/04/2009 22:20

Ds doesn't want to go. He's really protective over me and doesn't even like to leave me when he goes to school.

I do encourage ds to get to know his family, despite how shite his dad is. I've always insisted he does this, despite his uncle not asking about ds/sending him a birthday card like he doesn't exist. It's an odd family. The slapping really worries me.

OP posts:
easterchickfordinner · 10/04/2009 22:21

I think you should ignore it and when she says what is happenig say you've booked to go away so he can't stay with her.

ChippingIn · 10/04/2009 22:21

I feel sorry for you, knowing how much shit you will have to put up with for saying No... but, there's no way I'd let a child go with her (from how you describe her) and as your son doesn't want to go, why should he be made to?

Why not get your son to tell her/his Dad that HE doesn't WANT to go....

BananaFruitBunny · 10/04/2009 22:22

Well if you're keeping in contact with her for your DS's sake, and your DS doesn't like her......

Seems a bit pointless really.

Original poster
FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 10/04/2009 22:26

Dad's just as bad. He moved abroad 5 years ago, his plan was to fly over and see ds every month/couple of months. This never happened, it's once/twice a year. I get it in the neck from him because ds never wants to go and see him. He thinks I'm brain washing ds . Dad will beck gran up, he did this with the school report incident etc.
There's no way ds is going, I'll just have to plan something. I know what she'll do, I'll say we're going away, she'll get all upset, phone ds's dad, he'll phone me and blame me for being selfish.......

6 weeks in Tuscany sounds lovely. Just ds and I.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 10/04/2009 22:27

Fluffy - LOL she lied about seeing the Head... did she think, you would think, the Head made it up because she has nothing better to do with her time... fgs

You are doing well to maintain any contact with her ... bloody fruit loop.

Original poster
FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 10/04/2009 22:28

DS doesn't like her because she really is like the energizer bunny on speed and she doesn't listen to him. It would piss me off too if I had someone ignoring me and pulling me about.

We may just go to Tuscany and not return. So tempting. Grandad isn't too bad.

OP posts:
BitOfFunnyBunny · 10/04/2009 22:30

Just back off I reckon- i do commend you trying to maintain his links with that side of his family, but they don't sound great for him tbh, and they seem to be pushing the boundaries rather a lot. Arm's length is the best policy.

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