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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable: I get annoyed when people think they can put their grubby hands in my pram and touch my DS!

134 replies

salt101 · 06/04/2009 19:46

Does this happy to anyone else? You are out/on the bus/walking in the park. Someone comes to chat or starts talking to DS, he smiles being the lovely sociable baby...and they stick their hands in/stroke his hand/touch his face/put his dummy in!!!

Has anyone said anything? It usually happens so fast, I'm not quick enough.....

anyone?

OP posts:
christywhisty · 07/04/2009 13:26

Well said Devilseatsnestle

LoubyLoubyLouLa · 07/04/2009 14:01

I think yaVu.

My daughter was born with a facial disfigurement and I would have loved people to have come up to her, touch her and to say how beautiful she was.... they didn't.

What I hear in your original post is "my son is so beautiful people cannot resist touching him, but everyone is far too grubby to be allowed such a privilege"

messymissy · 07/04/2009 15:10

I never minded the hellos, the smiling and cooing...even stood and chatted away with complete strangers who stopped me to say hello to baby, I firmly believe that this has made my dd more sociable than her peers, as she learnt very early on that if she grinned at someone, 9 times out of 10 they would pull allsorts of faces back - very entertaining......BUT i stand by my assertion that I did not and would not welcome unsolicited touching as the child has no say in it, I wouldn't like random people grabbing my hand, cheek or rubbing my hair without asking.

So i suppose I have assumed that the OP was objecting on these grounds not just the germs bit (which is very real concern as my dp contracted a highly infectious skin complaint from a handshake).

the attention was not always convenient and made shopping a very long process as we would get stopped A LOT!!! and loubylouby is was not because dd is pretty - she is ordinary but was lucky to learn to grin early on.

Now that she is older and I have developed ways of getting the shopping done quickly, its not so much of an issue - now we just get stopped by wellmeaning interfering no it alls with advice on how to stop a terrible twos tantrum!!!

ellingwoman · 07/04/2009 15:12

This thread is making me sad...

anonandlikeit · 07/04/2009 15:36

Yes it is sad ellingwoman, why can't we all just relax a little, enjoy our children & let others enjoy them too.
I guess thats why I like living in my small town, its a community & as such look out for each others children & I think this begins from a very early age.

Oh & my ds2 was born 3 months early & had an awful immune system, but after spending months in hospital he had to start bulding up his immunity & mixing with people is the best way to do it.
He was much more at risk from his 3 yr old brother trying to stick allsorts in his mouth than he was from any kind stranger cooing over him.

fuzzywuzzy · 07/04/2009 15:48

God this whole living amongst people is so filled with pitfalls.

I would not touch a baby having read these threads before.

Is it OK to smile at a baby/toddler looking at you, is it OK to agree with your children if they go 'Ooooh mummy look lovely baby' which my girls will do everytime they see a baby?

Is it OK to have a conversation with a small child whilst sitting on a bus if small child starts talking to you first?

I'll come back with more burning questions as when they occur to me no doubt.

Who knew being friendly was such a social mine field!!!

piscesmoon · 07/04/2009 17:42

'God, never move abroad then! Touching is very much the done thing here'

And then the same people complain that the British don't like children!!
I think it so sad to have mothers who have to be in control all the time.
It is much better for the DC to be sociable and see mothers being sociable than to worry about a bit of lipstick on a sock!
I have found it very sad in earlier threads where new mothers expect their DP to police visits and keep people away and grandparents are classed as selfish because they want to see their new grandchild before it is 3 weeks old!
I thought a new life was a cause for celebration, and a baby is part of a community.
I have never touched a stranger's baby-but this thread makes me inclined to try it!

JoandMax · 07/04/2009 18:00

I love people touching my LO and he does too - it always cheers us both up if he's being a grizzly little so and so!! I don't worry about germs as he spends most of the day crawling around on the floor then shoving his hands in his mouth and I found him licking the kitchen floor earlier......

I live in London so please don't think we all hate it! I think it's espescially important to me here as people do have a tendency to not speak, look the other way so social interaction is lovely for me and also a good lesson for my little boy.

Sorrento · 07/04/2009 18:05

Buy one of those cat net things and put that over the pram if you don't want him touched, then they physically can't.
It's hard but if you watch the number of people who come out of toilets and do not wash their hands it is sickening.
May I suggest you move out of London ?

traceybath · 07/04/2009 18:11

I must be a freak as am going to buy phil and teds as will have 18 month gap and feel sad that baby will be hidden and won't get so much attention

Must say though that most people just coo rather than actually touch. Wouldn't be too keen on hands going in baby's mouth but thats never happened to me.

Gentle · 07/04/2009 18:38

piscesmoon - I think I know the threads you are referring to and invite you to come and argue the point with me over there!

piscesmoon · 07/04/2009 19:00

Is there a current one then Gentle? I was going back a few months-I rememember thinking that if I had friends who were so possessive of their PFB I would have lost the desire to see it by the time they decided that it was 'allowed'!

Gentle · 07/04/2009 19:02

Ah I see! Sorry, visitors after birth has been a big subject for me this pg, I have been posting about it and feeling paranoid (does it show?) that people I know will seek me out and think evils at me while I work out what to do

Okay thread derail attempt officially over

Thunderduck · 07/04/2009 19:05

YABU. Wait until he's a little older and everything he can fit into his mouth will go in. Often hings far grosser than someone's hand.

Original poster
salt101 · 07/04/2009 20:21

I think you ladies have been getting on your high horses again. It's not that we don't want our babies to have social interaction or attention. That is fantastic. I don't mind people cooing, smiling, chatting, asking questions....I don't even mind GERMS!!!! They are healthy.

I just appreciate a bit of personal space, for myself and my PFB. Maybe I am part of a group of control freaks. But as I said earlier, you wouldn't want some stranger coming up to you and touching you, would you? South America or otherwise.

And those of you living in a 'small community' clearly have absolutely no idea what this is about as you don't see 'strangers'. Lucky you.

OP posts:
Gentle · 07/04/2009 20:28

Nicely put, salt101. I salute your poise!

Shambolic · 07/04/2009 20:30

I live in London and loved it when people came and patted DD...

I do feel a bit sad that all the old ladies are being told to bog off.

Salt is it that you don't really want to interact with strangers and so when they are lured over by your DS you feel uncomfortable?

randomrabbit · 07/04/2009 20:35

I touch babies and children all the time ..I cant help it ..never knew people had a problem with it before mn ..maybe I'm just odd [shrugs]

noonki · 07/04/2009 20:45

salt - it truely doesn't bother me if people I don't know who I am talking to give me an appropriate touch; say on the arm if I have spoken to them.

aprilflower · 07/04/2009 20:46

I live in London and love it
I never minded if any way came and pattered and cooed over my darling child.
Actually I loved it.
When your child is crawling and later at the terrible twos wait till you see what goes in the mouth.
Actually babies and children need to build up a resistance to develop their immune system.
They also pick up when their parents are uptight
Relax a little

Original poster
salt101 · 07/04/2009 20:47

Mmmmm interesting, Shambolic. I work with the general public so am used to interacting with strangers professionally. However, I like to keep my distance from them, socially. So, now, I am in a different position. Maybe part of me feels uncomfortable when approached, but I really love chatting to people. I'll happily gabble away to people about nonsense if asked!

No, I still think it's just a personal space issue.....

Randomrabbit- you're not odd. Maybe look at the Mum's face/or ask to see whether she's ok with it or not

OP posts:
aprilflower · 07/04/2009 20:48

sorry should read anybody not anyway

Shambolic · 07/04/2009 20:55

Worth a try...

I still think that babies don't have personal space ideas like we do. They enjoy physical contact and hugs and snuggles etc, it's only once socialised that they realise that it's not done.

I mean in the UK people are very uptight about physical contact - I know loads of people who hate the whole "kissing on the cheek" thing which has started being common in the last couple of decades.

Personally I don't go around hugging my friends or kissing them. We are a very unphysical bunch.

So maybe it's no surprise when the advent of children suddenly means that people go around touching, something that people just aren't used to.

The thing is that people being scared of interacting with children, for fear they might do it wrong/get told off/be accused of something has meant that children have been sort of separated from mainstream society which has resulted in some of the problems that we are always bemoaning.

And it all starts when people are told not to smile or coo at babies. (I know that's not what you're saying, but if an old dear is told to stop it, she's unlikely to approach any other babies for fear of being told off again).

Gentle · 07/04/2009 21:02

Shambolic I did LOL at "all the old ladies being told to bog off" - gave me a very poignant mental picture of elderly gentlefolk trudging off sadly into the sunset...

Wasn't there a Monty Python cartoon about a pram that ate elderly women who bent down to have a look at the baby?

Shambolic · 07/04/2009 21:04

Yes and the baby eating them...

I think they do trudge off sadly into the sunset

I need the opposite for when I have my new baby - to say "yes you can pat her if you like" without sounding completely nuts. So many people were visibly restraining themselves from chucking DDs cheek it really saddened me.