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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP texting old love in secret, wont stop AIBU?

50 replies

bunsen · 28/03/2009 10:24

It all started when I was pregnant (had baby 6 weeks ago). I had terrible sickness and the smell of him put me off sex. He drank nearly every night which made it worse. He started to stay up late till 3/4am every night when not working whilst I'd be in bed cos was v knackered as you are when pg. One night I found him awake at 1.30am on the doorstep chatting to someone. He came clean and said he was having phone sex with an old love. He had assigned a sexy image to her number on the phone. I flipped and he said he wouldn't contact her again. Intermittently I have found him still texting her and he says she lives so far away, it is just for friendship and to see him through our troubles. I keep insisting I don't like it but last night she had sent another text which was obviously a reply to ssomething he had put to her. AIBU to be p1ssed off with him don 't know how to make it stop.

OP posts:

hercules1 · 28/03/2009 10:26

I dont think this is an aibu type thread. Of course you're not. He sounds really shit, sorry.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 28/03/2009 10:30

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Original poster

bunsen · 28/03/2009 10:35

I want to show him what other women think cos he thinks its me who is 'taking it all the wrong way blah blah'

OP posts:

spicemonster · 28/03/2009 10:37

Taking it the wrong way? How else are you supposed to take it? Staying up till 3 in the morning drinking when you're pg isn't great either.

Does he have any redeeming features? Because it sounds like he has no respect for you whatsoever. Sorry, I know that's harsh but he sounds like a total waste of your time and energy

Longtalljosie · 28/03/2009 10:45

Of course YANBU. He had an affair, and because it was phonesex rather than anything else, thinks you should think it's OK he carries on texting her? What an utter, utter shit.

MANATEEequineOHARA · 28/03/2009 10:51

My total F*wit of an ex did this, after I had my first baby I found he had called his ex.

He had also texted her throughout my pregnancy but said she was texting him asking for him back.

However, I now know that is what he has told his poor current gf when he kept texting me asking me to have him back, his gf thought it was the other way around.

Oh and he also caused me to fall out with my friend from the town I had just left as he was sending her flirtatious texts, and I believed what I wanted to...that it was her fault.

That along with the drinking, I would say leave him, I know that sounds dramatic, but it does not sound like a good relationship and you REALLY cannot expect a man to change.

LIZS · 28/03/2009 11:03

If he doesn't choose to act upon the fact that you are uncomfortable with it and keep his word I'm afraid there isn't much you can do to stop him. I can hear the excuses now , please don't feel you have to listen to them. Look out for yourself and your lo first.

madamekoto · 28/03/2009 11:11

He has been cheating on you at the time in your life when you need the most support.

smudgethepuppydog · 28/03/2009 11:12

How would he feel if you had phone sex with an ex?

I think he's an unfeeling twat who is very likely to repeat this behaviour when it suits him and once again, find a way of passing responsibility for his own decisions and actions on to you.

BCNS · 28/03/2009 11:14

YANBU it's obviouly not the life you wanted to live nor signed up to. But you aren't going to stop him, only he can make that choice.

IMO he needs to make the choice of what type of life he wants, knowing how you feel about it. Either one with you as a family or one where is doesn't hurt anyone by texting etc.

does he know what he wants and can he live that life if it's with you? Have you asked him ( bare in mind you may not like the answers you get).

we all want to have our cake and eat it, but it rarely happens.

teatank · 28/03/2009 11:24

hi bunsen if i was in your situation i would just concentrate on you and your baby. i had a simalar thing happen to me when i was pregnant. but i just turned it around. after i had the baby i just glammed myself up got back in my skinny jeans and never nagged him about it. he then started getting upset that i wasnt even bothered about what hed done. and mustnt of cared about him anyway. he now follows me round like an insecure person the way i did with him when i was pregnant. i hope you sort it out because i know just how you feel. just remember what goes around comes around

expatinscotland · 28/03/2009 11:26

Why are you with this person? He's a drunk loser by the sounds of it. Don't you think you and your baby deserve better?

Ever heard that expression, 'It's better to walk alone than badly accompanied.'

DandyLioness · 28/03/2009 11:29

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RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 28/03/2009 11:33

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expatinscotland · 28/03/2009 11:39

Oh, I wouldn't nag him about it, either. Dump him, yeah, but never nag him.

Lulumama · 28/03/2009 11:44

is he still drinking?

is he helping look after his child?

does he have a job?

phone sex with an ex is not something i would condone or be able to live with in my marriage

phone sex is not friendship or support, it means he gets his rocks off whilst letting you struggle on as a new mum and an unappreciated wife

NancysGarden · 28/03/2009 11:49

You poor thing. What a shit. I would say get rid of him, but that is not really useful advice. You've got to make up your own mind. You prob need him for now ifbaby is only 6 weeks but keep things on a platonic level and decide how you feel when you are stronger. Concentrate on baby and yourself and make sure you get some time for yourself make sure he looks after his child once a week at least when you can hook up with friends or do something you really enjoy that is not baby-related.

PS checking his phone is not going to make him stop it will only make you miserable, if he's going to cheat, he will cheat. Just get what support you need to keep you and baby healthy and back on your feet.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 28/03/2009 11:50

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NancysGarden · 28/03/2009 11:55

Agree reality, but hormones do funny things to people. I was incredibly insecure after having DD until I got out and did something for myself and felt like a whole person again (that thing was singing, not skinny jeans I might add). I had PD, DP was not being supportive at that time. It is not right. I was the one who had gone through the PG, the body and life changes (DP was already a parent), was bfing, had PD, did the lion's share of the childcare. But I am a stronger person.

teatank · 28/03/2009 11:57

i didnt know your name was bunsen. if you can read you will find the message was not for you.everyone is entitled to there opinion there is no need to start being a bully. and where in my message did it say make him want me i think you need glasses

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 28/03/2009 12:01

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Blondeshavemorefun · 28/03/2009 12:13

what a horrible man your dp is

he has been unfaithful - some men are but if they trey and sort things out a relationship may be possible

but in your case why on earth are you still with him - esp as he isnt trying to change his ways/make things better?

LEMAGAIN · 28/03/2009 12:15

He thinks you're "taking it the wrong way"

Tell him this; In no uncertain terms so he doesn't take it the wrong way.

"FUCK RIGHT OFF YOU INADEQUATE PEICE OF SCUM" "TALK TO MY SOLICITORS RE ACCESS TO THE CHILDREN".

Dingbatgirl · 28/03/2009 12:16

Teatank, that worked for you, hope yours stays faithful now.

My experience of an unfaithful partner is that they do what they do because they are selfish uncaring gits, and immature. It isn't our fault, but they try and put the blame onto us, making out it's because of weight gain, etc.

I don't know if it's an option for you to get in touch with Relate, who will help you deal with this horrible experience at such a vulnerable time. take care.

LEMAGAIN · 28/03/2009 12:21

teatank - i dont think it is bullying to think that what you did was not appropriate. It might be the sort of thing i would do to be fair, but that is because i have issues with self esteem.

It must be hard for a partner when they are not "getting it", because they miss the intimacy - but there are ways of relieving oneself of frustrations - porn, he can get off but there is no third party. Some might disagree with me on that - but whilst it is not ideal, it has to be more acceptable than texting another person and talking on the phone.

I actually had a similar conversation with a woman the other night - i was quite drunk and im still not sure if i actually heard this, but we were talking about having sex post children, and she says the only reason she "makes the effort" is because she is frightened her man will leave her for someone who will it is so very sad that women still feel that way.

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