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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP texting old love in secret, wont stop AIBU?

50 replies

bunsen · 28/03/2009 10:24

It all started when I was pregnant (had baby 6 weeks ago). I had terrible sickness and the smell of him put me off sex. He drank nearly every night which made it worse. He started to stay up late till 3/4am every night when not working whilst I'd be in bed cos was v knackered as you are when pg. One night I found him awake at 1.30am on the doorstep chatting to someone. He came clean and said he was having phone sex with an old love. He had assigned a sexy image to her number on the phone. I flipped and he said he wouldn't contact her again. Intermittently I have found him still texting her and he says she lives so far away, it is just for friendship and to see him through our troubles. I keep insisting I don't like it but last night she had sent another text which was obviously a reply to ssomething he had put to her. AIBU to be p1ssed off with him don 't know how to make it stop.

OP posts:

andlipsticktoo · 28/03/2009 12:30

Bunsen everyone agrees he is an arse.
On top of his totally unacceptable behaviour with his ex he is making you doubt yourself and think it is you that has a problem.
You have to spell it out to hinm that he either stops or he can leave.
Be strong, you deserve a loving and supportive dp - you have just had his child!

Servalan · 28/03/2009 12:39

First of all Bunsen, congratulations on the birth of your baby. I hope this situation isn't stopping your enjoyment of what should be a wonderful time for you.

Is this your DP's first child? Is he maybe feeling a bit scared and insecure? Worried that his youth/attractiveness etc is ebbing away? Feeling a bit out of control?

If any of this applies - tough. Time he got over it and started being there for you both.

His behaviour is nothing short of self-absorbed, self-indulgent and self-centred.

Also, it sounds like he needs to look at his drinking. I should imagine that goes a long way towards contributing to the general twattery exuding from his direction - I wonder if he is maybe building up a bit of a dependancy?

I fail to see how phone sex will see him through your "troubles" - all it will do is cause more troubles. What would be better would be for him to get over himself and sit down and talk with you.

You do not deserve this shit, that's for sure

I hope things improve for you.

troutpout · 28/03/2009 12:46

oh my
How awful for you.
This is a no-brainer bunsen...i'm sorry but it really is
And you are with this man because...?
I'm not even sure he's worth the ultimatum tbh

tessofthedurbervilles · 28/03/2009 13:01

I caught my husband out texting a woman 'about our relationship troubles' and chucked him out. To be fair he was clearly having a no sex affair with her. Anyway, the crux is its so hard to want to hang on to some shred of hope that he is telling the truth and loves you and your relationship will work that logic and respect for yourself fly out of the window.
He is being 100% out of order and you will see that more and more in time. What you need to do is try to be as strong as you can and make a decision that is right for you and your baby...not based on sentiment and fear of being alone.
I hope you will be ok I came out of it alright if that is any help?

TheLadyEvenstar · 28/03/2009 13:01

Right first of all OP get rid of the twat please and do it now before baby gets attached to someone who is never going to be there.

I know the "oh you misunderstand" and the "its not what it looks like"

My ex ds1's father used this line on me many times and I always fell for it (more fool me) until ds1 was 22months old and I went out with friends. I returned at 4am and found him in bed with a woman who I had gone to college with, she was my friend and they were shagging away so much so they didn't hear me come in. I just stood there open mouthed he must have sensed me there as he looked up at me and said..
"ITS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE"

I replied "no its just so cold in here you had to find a way to keep warm"
I ran her out of my home after her clothes had already left via the window and he followed the next morning. Only then did it all emerge that he had been screwing around since before I had had ds1.

NancysGarden · 28/03/2009 13:08

lady evening star that is so appalling

NancysGarden · 28/03/2009 13:09

please tell us there is a happy ending? How are things now?

TheLadyEvenstar · 28/03/2009 13:18

Nancy, well I stayed single for a long time lol I didn't trust men after that. Don't get me wrong I had boy friends but none serious. Maybe I was wrong for that who knows. But i met dp in feb 2006 and now we have a gorgeous 18m old son and he is at the moment applying for parental rights of ds1 who calls him dad, doesn't see his father etc.
So yes there is a very happy ending....sadly though I still have trust issues to work through....8 yrs on.

NancysGarden · 28/03/2009 13:21

Very happy for you eveningstar, you deserve nothing less. Don't blame you on the trust front. I have similar issues for similar reasons! But not giving up trying to work through them. Maybe I'll be a perfectly adjusted adult by the time I reach 60!

TheLadyEvenstar · 28/03/2009 13:23

Nancy lol maybe I will too .....only another 26 years to go........... oh god now i feel old as well

NancysGarden · 28/03/2009 13:30

Oh dear well I'm only 28 years away too if it makes you feel any better.

Repeat: old as you feel, old as you feel

HolyGuacamole · 28/03/2009 13:46

OMG this guy is a tosser of the highest order.

Maybe not useful but get rid. This should be one of the happiest times of his life and he should have more to think about than his knob. He is living his life as he sees fit and trying to get you to see yourself as being unreasonable

This man will ruin your self esteem if you let him.

And by the way - you ARE NOT being unreasonable, not even 1%.

TheLadyEvenstar · 28/03/2009 13:58

Nancy cool in that case right now I am about 23 lol

Lulumama · 28/03/2009 14:31

i think that reality makes a good point

getting back into your skinny jeans 6 weeks post baby and not daring to challenge unfaithful behaviour is totally passive.

why should a new mother have the additional strain of having to revert straight back to her pre baby figure?? why should she have to bite her tongue and restrain herself from saying how she really feels?

in an adult, mature relationship, firslty, spouses do not treat each other like this, and secondly they should be able to be honest and open with each otehr, rather than allowing one partner to get away with whatver they want

the cheating spouse has a choice, and it should not be up to the faithful partner to make all the effort to ensure the marriage remains intact

6 weeks post baby, you should not be begging for your husband to treat you with respect, or ignoring toxic behaviour

solidgoldbrass · 28/03/2009 14:58

Sadly, Bunsen, you need to get rid of him because he isn't going to stop having sex with other people. He doesn't want to stop. He doesn't think you matter very much - if he thinks about you at all he probably believes that you will moan at him but not end the relationship. Men like this tend to think of women as not really people, passive and submissive, that women will just 'put up with' a cheating partner if a) they have a baby and b) the partner is earning an income.
Consult a solicitor about things like your house, single parent benefits and getting maintenance from this man, then tell him the relationship is over.
BEst of luck. There is no reason at all why you should put up with this.

MANATEEequineOHARA · 28/03/2009 15:02

Teatank in am very much with Reality on that one, you make it seem like it is Bunsen's fault for not being sexy enough! There is no excuse for this rat's behaviour!!!

SerendipitousHarlot · 28/03/2009 15:52

OP - what a cunt. Not you, obviously

You need to get rid, mate. Someone that did that to me when I was so vulnerable, I could never forgive

And as for the 'glamming up' comment.... Good job my dh isn't like yours, teatank, he thinks my birthday suit is trackie bottoms and a t-shirt

solidgoldbrass · 28/03/2009 16:52

I think Teatank has a little bit of a point, not so much the 'glamming up' side of it but being calmly indifferent and getting happily on with your life sometimes makes a cheating partner sit up for a bit - not to mention it being much better for your own self esteem: concentrate on being good to yourself.
Unfortunately, pleading, crying, telling him how upset you are has no effect on a selfish man - he won't stop cheating because he's hurt you, he doesn't care about hurting you because he simply thinks that your feelings are nowhere near as important as his.

Kimi · 28/03/2009 17:05

Take his phone, text her that she is a dirty slag for having phone sex with someone elses man and the father of a small child, delete her number then block it.

I would have ripped him to bits by now... I think he has problems so maybe a trip to the Dr is called for

SerendipitousHarlot · 28/03/2009 17:34

Actually sgb, that is completely true.

DandyLioness · 28/03/2009 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

andlipsticktoo · 28/03/2009 18:44

teatank was just explaining the way she dealt with a similar situation, she wasn]t suggesting bunsen did the same thing!
Personally I wouldn't deal with it the way teatank did (more like garden shears treatment) but she is entitled to her pov.
Good luck bunsen, I hope you sort him it out.

GossipMonger · 28/03/2009 18:49

Nothing to add but good grief! there are some shitty men out there!!

ChippingIn · 30/03/2009 01:29

You can't make it stop - trust me. He's just doing it for friendship - right... of course he is

As hard as this is, you need to face the fact that he's a bastard and doesn't deserve you and he WONT change.... he will give you 101 reasons/excuses/validations and you will want to believe them all, but don't, you'll just end up back here time and time again.

Gracie123 · 30/03/2009 01:40

I think we are all agreed that your partner is a complete and utter shit, because he is cheating on you. Do you really want to stay with him?
If you do, then I suggest getting some outside help, marriage counseling or whatever.
If not, you should leave now. You should also contact this girl and let her know what a cock he is. He obviously doesn't value her very highly as he is just using her to get through a rough patch in your relationship (basically a prostitute that he doesn't even have to pay for!)
Make it clear that he is treating you both like crap. You might not want him, but when he goes crawling to her, she should be fully informed. She might not know what an idiot he is.

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