to want to whack my mother in law with a cricket bat?

[ac27]

My husband's Australian, his parents live in Sydney. We live in London. We have two lovely children. The refrain of my life, coming from m-in-law over the phone, via email, in cards, letters, on skype, is:

"Oh, I'm so sad. It's just so sad. You know, some days I just don't know what to do with myself, I just miss my two beautiful babies [i.e HELLO?? MY beautiful babies] so much. It's horrible, you know. Just horrible."

The guilt my husband feels at being happy here with his wife and children grows every month. There's a constant pressure for us to move over there, even though in London my children have two grandparents, two uncles, an auntie, seven first cousins, two second cousins etc. etc., half of them on my husband's side. And in Australia - two elderly grandparents. That's it.

The woman (to whom I am charming, by the way) is unstoppable in her passive aggression. I sent her four emails of lovely photos, this is a transcript of the email I get back: "Thank you for all the photos - it breaks my heart we are not closer - just want a cuddle and hug!! the pendulum swings back and forth and I get v sad!". WTF does that even mean? What pendulum? What? WHAT??

Could somebody please empathise, before my eyeballs explode. Or tell me I'm an unreasonable, classically unsympathetic daughter-in-law - I'll mull it over, if so.

That must be hugely irritating but I do feel a twinge of sympathy for her. Must be hard to be so far away from her son and grandchildren. Do feel she should button it, though.

My mother is just like this...I find as some folk get older their self obsession grows.

Its all about how stuff affects them, rather than realising and feeling any empathy with anyone else. Deeply irritating on every level.

why not suggest she moves to England?

Are you inlaws fit enought to visit you in England? Can they afford to come here on holiday? need more context to your OP before saying more.

would it be cheeky to suggest perhaps they should move closer in your next email or reply to one of her 'wish i could cuddle them' notes?

I was going to give you a little homily about peace, love, tolerance, the loneliness of old age ...

Nah.

HOw do you feel about visiting the inlaws in Sidney? If you were planning a holiday, even if the date is not for ages, would this help your MIL feel better?

Yes it is irritating but she loves her son/family and would like to be part of it.

Not saying there is anything to be done to solve the situation though. It's difficult.

Bless you! I empathise/sympathise Agree entirely!

My MIL is lovely generally but she is missing the layer that stops her from blurting out her unhappiness to DH about us "being in England still while she is soo lonely in Australia without us and how she will probably be dead before we get there so she is living in dreamland because we're never going to actually move over there, are we?"

I get SOOOOOO bloody when she does this to him - we are aiming to move there in June ffs, but we have had to move the date a few times for various reasons, some to do with my family, some to do with DH himself.

I have to admit, DH doesn't help the situation by giving her false info to keep her happy which then has to change (I KEEP telling him not to do this!) so this time around I emailed her to explain that Dad's cancer treatment would delay us a few weeks from our original date of mid May. Then I had to email her again to say it wouldn't be finishing til May so we wouldn't be coming out until at least June - unfortunately she read this email whilst on Skype with DH and had another emotional meltdown - he hates it and always takes it out on me (for being English and having a Dad who is ill ) but always apologises later.

I just wish she would bloody well realise what she is doing to him every time she has a meltdown, and how much she risks alienating me by doing it as the fallout is not good!

I think the cricketbat is a tad extreme though...

Ah, these replies give me strength. The cricket bat is reasonable.

To give context - we pay for them to fly to us in London at least once a year. In our new house have halved our bedroom space in order to create dedicated spare room and bathroom for them. Are flying out to Australia in November (trip will be cost of new car, so no new car for us, then).

In reply to her pendulum email I said, "Last thing on earth I want to do is upset you, you poor, miserable wretch, so I won't send any more photos". She replied sharpish - "No no! Perfectly happily! Please continue to send!"

I am saving up the "Why don't you move here instead of whinging all the time" line for when she next turns up in London, in six weeks. Translation: "why don't you move here and spoil my life by being in my face 24/7, rather than spoiling it by guilt-tripping my husband over the phone 24/7".

Because fact is she is type who will always find something to be miserable about.

I sound harsh, but I speak the truth.

Thumbwitch, do we have the same MIL? Am beginning to suspect she leads a double life. Moves between husbands in the Sydney suburbs, so as to maximise people to froth misery at. My prob is I can't help bt occasionally blurt out to husband, "your mother is making you miserable"; he leaps to her defense, us-against-them mentality is drawn along all the wrong lines. Got to be clever and shut up.

Thanks all for heartening gifts of linseed oil etc. Raging about MIL really does take up too much of my time.

ac27 - lol! I revise my opinion - your cricket bat is justifiable!

No, not the same MIL - mine is quite sweet most of the time, just over-emotional and zero self-control when she is. Also she's a widow of long-standing (since DH was 17) and lives about 1.5hrs north of Sydney!

I know what you mean about being clever and shutting up though - the last interchange we had about this had DH flinging at me "Well, your Dad will probably outlive my Mum anyway!"
Doubtful - he has 10 years on her plus prostate cancer. He apologised about an hour later when he had calmed down - she really does ruffle his guilt feathers.

Thumbwitch, your DH deserved a gigantic cricket bat whack for that, himself. You are more saintly and less violent than I.

But in general, yes, do think shutting up good policy. Am currently incapable, but will start doing Zen breathing/Machiavellian thinking to keep myself from speaking the truth and in so doing causing unnecessary divides.

Will keep my bat handy, though.

You are being very harsh.
A golf club would suffice

Yes but it wouldn't probably have the same intercultural meaning...

I actually find that sort of over the top gushing adoration of grandchildren revolting whether up close or long distance.

But I am a miserable old cow

ah yes, I get it now. DUH!

How about a shot-gun?! lol

at thumbwitch's intercultural meaning

pendulum = passage of time (I think).

i have the same from my MIL and she lives 85 miles away..........she and her hubby are far too bust to see us, with homes all over the world and many friends with which to socialise......we and our two DCs are way down the list. however this does not stop her saying " I miss my grandchildren so much, they are getting so big, i wish I was closer so i could help you out more"

i want to scream "GET IN THE CAR......STOP GOING ON HOLIDAY EVERY WEEKEND.........THINK OF SOMEONE ELSE INSTEAD OF YOURSELVES" [GRIN]

YABU because I really dislike violent thread titles.

Having said that, I can relate. My parents emigrated, and now tell me that they really miss dd (how? they've managed to see her 4 times in 3 years) and that they are far fonder of my children than they ever were of me. Erm... thanks.

Well I do not think the cricket bad is a good idea at all, oh no no no, the Aussies are far better with a cricket bat then we will ever be... I think you will lose.

I second the golf club Idea

My Mum gets melancholy like this. We live 7.5 miles away, spend at least one day a week with her and my Dad and phone them every day.

YANBU. My mum does the "wish you lived closer" all the time. I have to bite my tongue to refrain from snapping that when they came back to the UK 21 years ago and had the option of moving near us they chose not to, and opted for 200 miles away