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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to whack my mother in law with a cricket bat?

110 replies

ac27 · 26/03/2009 22:58

My husband's Australian, his parents live in Sydney. We live in London. We have two lovely children. The refrain of my life, coming from m-in-law over the phone, via email, in cards, letters, on skype, is:

"Oh, I'm so sad. It's just so sad. You know, some days I just don't know what to do with myself, I just miss my two beautiful babies [i.e HELLO?? MY beautiful babies] so much. It's horrible, you know. Just horrible."

The guilt my husband feels at being happy here with his wife and children grows every month. There's a constant pressure for us to move over there, even though in London my children have two grandparents, two uncles, an auntie, seven first cousins, two second cousins etc. etc., half of them on my husband's side. And in Australia - two elderly grandparents. That's it.

The woman (to whom I am charming, by the way) is unstoppable in her passive aggression. I sent her four emails of lovely photos, this is a transcript of the email I get back: "Thank you for all the photos - it breaks my heart we are not closer - just want a cuddle and hug!! the pendulum swings back and forth and I get v sad!". WTF does that even mean? What pendulum? What? WHAT??

Could somebody please empathise, before my eyeballs explode. Or tell me I'm an unreasonable, classically unsympathetic daughter-in-law - I'll mull it over, if so.

OP posts:
ItsGrimUpNorth · 30/03/2009 13:29

Yeah, I'm sure all GCs and DCs are missed but to lay on the guilt trips is really really not fair.

Every grown up should have the right to live their lives without their parents making them feel bad about it.

I'm starting to feel quite smug about my parents who I know love my DCs dearly but would never ever make me feel bad for living five hours away or even more than that.

OhBling · 30/03/2009 14:02

There's missing your DCs/DGCs and then there's ridiculous, pathetic, whiney guilt trips that are designed to make you feel bad for no other reason. Plus, from my experience (with my Mother, not my MIL) and from what the OP and some others have posted here, I think much of the kind of whining that I will from now on be referring to as "cricket bat deserving" is NOT about missing family but about wanting constant reassurance and an (inappropriate) outlet for your own issues.

OP's PIL don't want to know the children, they want the children to know them.

My mum is exactly the same and I think my SIL deserves the hugest medal on the planet for putting up with her. It's hard for me, but at least I get to shout at her.

Original poster
ac27 · 30/03/2009 14:55

OhBling, you've hit the nail so totally on the head - put it far better than I, in my crossness, ever could.

My MIL makes minimal effort to get to know her grandchildren, she wants them (with their combined age of 3.5) to know HER. She bangs on about how beautiful they are, bores all her poor friends with photos, and yet doesn't know how or doesn't want to engage with the children at all.

On the phone or Skype she rarely asks a question about him, instead says to my DS, "Do you want to come to Australia to see Granny's house? To see all the kangaroos? Do you want to come on a big aeroplane to see me? You tell your Mummy that Granny is going to come and get you and take you to Australia on a big aeroplane." Result is DS is bored and a bit freaked out by her, and I have to bribe him with peanut butter to get him to talk to her.

When she was last here, and DS was 2.5, she said she wanted to take him out in his pushchair for a walk. ME: Where to? MIL: I want to walk to the high street and get a coffee, and there are a couple of shops I want to look at. ME: DS will run amok in shops. MIL: Oh, no, I'll just keep him in the pushchair.

It took all the tact I had, and then eventually going up to DH and getting him to talk to her, to explain without causing offense that DS didn't want to be kept strapped into pushchair going in and out of shops for an hour and a half, wanted to do sliding, swinging, running round the place yelling. If she tried to keep him in pushchair for 1.5hrs he would, quite understandably, have a fit. Of course, this was racked up against me as eg of me not wanting her to spend quality time with her GS.

The point is, she wants to show them off, wheel them proudly about in buggy, she wants to feel all puffed up at having them in her life, but has no desire to actually make the effort to connect with them or put them first or even ask the most basic questions.

I know it's just life - I've been dealt needy, childish MIL, and the point is I love her son, so. But where it gets really damaging is how she uses the fact that they live in Australia to attack my marriage and make it v difficult for my DS to relax and be happy here.

And, as OhBling says, I can't shout at her. The only person who could shout at her is my DH, who is defensive and emotionally retarded when it comes to his family, so largely treats her like a broken little flower.

I didn't conspire to have PIL live in a different hemisphere. I fell in love with their son,he fell in love with me, we've made a life together. Both our careers are here, our lives, it's our home. Living in London is not an act of malice. But my arse MIL is successfully making my DH believe that it is.

Making myself furious typing about it. Cricket bats at dawn.

OP posts:
LilianGish · 30/03/2009 14:56

Blimey ac - send me the plane fare, I'll bring my own cricket bat! It doesn't sound like you can do much more. I do empathise with the passive aggressive thing - that's my MIL style (it also makes me want to explode). Also with the "poor mum" comments - mil is a widow and dh feels quite responsible for her (though it's hard to imagine a more independent 72-year-old). I just think the worst thing you can do is let it come between you - that's what I meant about taking deep breaths. I think it's great to come on here and let off steam, but don't expect dh to agree with you. He probably feels guilty about being on the other side of the world (not that he should, but you'd probably feel the same if the situation were reversed and it was your parents missing out on the kids), but as I said before that is not a situation that can ever be satisfactorily resolved. Where are his brothers by the way? You said the dcs only had elderly grandparents in Australia?

OhBling · 30/03/2009 14:59

My mum is very upset because her 3yo DGD is not interested in trying on the jumper she bought her. She's hurt and upset.

Yes, that's right folks, her feelings are hurt because a three year old is not leaping up with excitement at the gift she bought.

AC27 - I feel your pain, I think you know it!

georgimama · 30/03/2009 15:12

AC27, it's probably quite hard for her to interact with them if she only sees them once a year. That's not a criticism of you, but it probably is why her behaviour is quite stilted and unnatural with them. She doesn't act like she knows them because she doesn't. That is sad for her.

Original poster
ac27 · 30/03/2009 15:41

OMG, OhBling! There's nothing I can say. 'xcept - yes, I know it.

Lilian, DH's brothers are 1. In London, 15 minutes down road from us, 2. In Singapore, with girlfriend and baby.

OP posts:
BigGitDad · 30/03/2009 16:37

Maybe you ought to 'contract out' the so called cricket bat killing to someone already living in Australia. Would probably be cheaper than paying for a full air fare.

LilianGish · 30/03/2009 16:40

Should we read anything into the fact that all three sons have left the country? I do feel a bit sorry for her - while totally accepting that she is completely insufferable.

ruty · 30/03/2009 16:53

it is such a tricky dynamic though, I feel as if I get the blame for the fact that dcs don't speak dh's native tongue [because dh doesn't speak to them enough in it but it ends up being my fault for not speaking the language well enough] and other stuff. But I do feel bad for my MIL - she hardly gets to see her ds and our children and she can't communicate with them easily. I really wonder how I'd feel if the same thing happened to me. I mean I hope I'd deal with it but don't really know.

WinkyWinkola · 30/03/2009 17:22

Perhaps there's a reason all three sons have left the country?

Tommy · 30/03/2009 17:27

I think it might just be MIL thing - mine complains that she doesn't see the grandchildren enough and she only lives 50 miles away

georgimama · 30/03/2009 17:30

But how often does she see them Tommy?

It's MIL issue because 9/10 women rule the roost - they decide which family members see the DC and when. As a mother of a son I am vry conscious that my future access to any GC will be controlled by DS's partner/wife.

Original poster
ac27 · 30/03/2009 17:56

MIL certainly concentrates mightily on fact that all three of her "boys" (eldest aged 40, youngest 35) have flown the coop. Quoting here: "Well, I don't know what I'm going back to. It's just us and the dog."

She also does that embarrassing thing of raving about her gallumphing adult sons as if they're 5yo ballerinas - "I've got the most BEAUTIFUL boys. Everybody says so."

It IS a tricky dynamic, ruty, and I do feel sorry for my MIL - she's an unhappy person. She'd be just as unhappy if she lived on our street; she'd doubtless find something else to kill me over. This being the case I just despair of ever working it out, with my DH increasingly in thrall to her and talking about upping sticks and moving across the world to make her happy. Foof.

OP posts:
BottySpottom · 30/03/2009 18:00

Exactly Lilian.

'I didn't conspire to have PIL live in a different hemisphere. I fell in love with their son,he fell in love with me, we've made a life together. Both our careers are here, our lives, it's our home. Living in London is not an act of malice. But my arse MIL is successfully making my DH believe that it is.' - at some level he probably did conspire to live on the opposite side of the world from her. She sounds stifling & I am not surprised all three of her children are overseas. Sad really.

Original poster
ac27 · 30/03/2009 18:35

Oh, you guys. This is the first time I've felt cheerful on the subject for a long while. Want to kiss you all.

OP posts:
HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 30/03/2009 18:58

YABU

It's a bad idea to hit her with a cricket bat. You need an iron bar.

BigGitDad · 30/03/2009 21:30

At the risk of being boring, Aluminium bats were available once in Australia as well.

Tommy · 30/03/2009 22:27

interesting point, georgiemama. I don't think I "dictate" when we visit/invite PILs but really don't feel it's my responsibility. I tell DH to invite them or visit but he only gets round to it when I nag him - and I don't think I should have to nag him to want to see his own Mum!

ninedragons · 30/03/2009 22:36

I saw on telly the other night that somebody has just invented some sort of silicone patch that goes on the back of the bat where the sweet spot is and concentrates the energy.

I don't know if it's commercially available yet, but from the footage in the practice nets it looked like you might be able to knock her head clean off.

MoreSpamThanGlam · 30/03/2009 22:40

Maybe it would be better if she said she didnt miss you all at all, and is glad to be shot of you.

Give the woman a fecking break...she misses you for fucks sake!!! She isnt trying to put a guilt trip on...

Original poster
ac27 · 31/03/2009 10:15

"She isnt trying to put a guilt trip on..."

Yes she is.

OP posts:
ninedragons · 31/03/2009 11:03

She is.

What she's doing is forgetting the lesson that we're all madly trying to drill into our DCs from toddlerhood, which is that if you don't get what you want, you have to accept it with good grace.

2rebecca · 31/03/2009 13:29

I think there's a big difference between telling a relative you miss them at the end of a cheerful conversation when you discuss what everyone has been doing and having a whole conversation of "poor me, my life is empty without you, I really miss you, waaah" and not asking anything about the people you are suuposedly missing so badly and just downloading a load of misery onto them.
It sounds as though it's the latter behaviour folk are complaining about.
We lived abroad for a couple of years and although both sets of parents missed us our letters and phonecalls were generally positive things full of news. Both sets of parents accepted our choice to live abroad for the year.
We didn't think they lived us any the less for not moaning and wailing and trying to make us feel guilty for moving, we knew that because they loved us they were happy for us to be happy.
I suspect alot of the moany relatives would be moany self centred relatives wherever the offspring lived. It's more a personality and self centred thing than a missing your extended family thing.

messymissy · 31/03/2009 13:46

Sorry could not read all the replies as had to write asap

that heres the bat...

why does she want to make it all about her? is she not getting enough attention from her husband and family still in australia.... sounds like she has too much time on her hands.

i would be screaming too...back off!!!!!!

Its alright to miss you but there are boundaries and she is crossing the needy needy mother in law who oh so wants to interfere - line!!!

If she is genuinely depressed - ask your father in law to get her to a doctor.