to want to whack my mother in law with a cricket bat?

[ac27]

My husband's Australian, his parents live in Sydney. We live in London. We have two lovely children. The refrain of my life, coming from m-in-law over the phone, via email, in cards, letters, on skype, is:

"Oh, I'm so sad. It's just so sad. You know, some days I just don't know what to do with myself, I just miss my two beautiful babies [i.e HELLO?? MY beautiful babies] so much. It's horrible, you know. Just horrible."

The guilt my husband feels at being happy here with his wife and children grows every month. There's a constant pressure for us to move over there, even though in London my children have two grandparents, two uncles, an auntie, seven first cousins, two second cousins etc. etc., half of them on my husband's side. And in Australia - two elderly grandparents. That's it.

The woman (to whom I am charming, by the way) is unstoppable in her passive aggression. I sent her four emails of lovely photos, this is a transcript of the email I get back: "Thank you for all the photos - it breaks my heart we are not closer - just want a cuddle and hug!! the pendulum swings back and forth and I get v sad!". WTF does that even mean? What pendulum? What? WHAT??

Could somebody please empathise, before my eyeballs explode. Or tell me I'm an unreasonable, classically unsympathetic daughter-in-law - I'll mull it over, if so.

I've been debating all day whether to post or not - because I know I'm essentially going to be repeating myself, for the tenth time. So, forgive what follows:

DH has day off work so calls MIL this morning to say hello, kids eating breakfast, being dressed etc. DH goes to have shower and hands phone to me. I chat to MIL, who sounds suicidal in her tone of voice. DS says, "Mummy, who are you talking to?" I say, "Granny. Do you want to say hello?" I say, "Okay." He continues playing, I continue chatting.

Except MIL interrupts me, says, "I bet he would talk to his other Granny, wouldn't he?"

Me: "Oh, you know, when he's not in the mood he won't talk to anyone."

MIL, ANGRY: "He would. He would talk to his other Granny. He doesn't want to talk to me. But he wants to talk to her. IT MAKES ME VERY SAD."

I can't describe how inappropriate and accusatory her tone was. I have put the cricket bat aside. Should give up, get preemptive divorce, admit defeat.

Wah! Messed up post! Should read:

DS says, "Mummy, who are you talking to?" I say, "Granny. Do you want to say hello?" HE SAYS "NO."

I say, "Okay." He continues playing, I continue chatting.

Missed out crucial HE SAYS NO!

Apologies. Have lost ability to function.

Does anyone have an entirely good experience of MIL's? It is emotional blackmail. Your home is here. Having said that all MIL's have their problem areas - even the ones that are nice. Generally speaking mine is good but my lovely h says that "she needs to feel included and useful otherwise she gets down". I sometimes feel like screaming at him "SO DO I!!!!"

I love my MIL she's great, I could swap my Mother sometimes though

The truth is AliGrylls that nobody has an entirely good experience with anyone. It doesn't matter how much you like/care/love someone chances are they will piss you off to some degree at some point, it's life.
Paranoid I agree, my MIL is generally nice it's my Mum that gets on my tits at times. However my MIL lives 150 miles away and I don't see her very often so that may have something to do with it.

ac27 - actually, in that situation I'd say to her, "MIL, he's - please don't take what he does and doesn't do personally as he is too little to be held accountable." and then refuse to continue to discuss it.

Which is what I do with my mother and the "hurt" because 3 yo isn't doing whatever. Doesn't stop me being irritated, but makes me feel I have the moral high ground! .

I am absolutely convinced your MIL is my Mother. except that she lives in Sydney. And I'm not your DH!

My MIL is only 5 miles away - wish it was australia, then I'd get call screening too.

She also does the guilt trip bit, and is oh so jealous of Grandma who having had lots of children herself and a dozen grandchildren is rather an expert at entertaining little children. MIL tries too hard and when DD does not respond, MIL sulks and blames me, calling DP the next day to complain!!!!

I often have to count to ten or otherwise I would explode at her, with advice such as FGS just GROW UP!!!

OhBling, thank you, I'm going to memorise that. When MIL comes out with such crap (every time we speak) I still, for some reason, go dear in headlights, and just try to soothe her. Then, afterwards, feel furious at having been played into that position.

Moral highgroud will be future stance.

If only my MIL WAS your mother, I'd just cry imposter and hand her back to you. Unfortunately, she's mine for keeps. And, as you've said before, you can should at your mother, but I can't shout at my MIL. So your little dictum below will be my new mantra. Feeling positive!

messymissy - grow up is about the size of it, although at the age of 70, I don't think there's much chance of it now....

Off to put all good advice into practice.

My MIL is also abroad - south of France - and I haven't heard a peep from her since I got pregnant (3 months ago) - not even a congratulations!

Not sure what is worse, that or my actual mum doing my head in by making me tonnes of stuff I don't want or need ("I'll make you the maternity trousers I had when I had you, and here's a nappy bag I've made for you, and just let me know what you want for baby clothes, I'll run some up on my sewing machine).

I hate that she's taking over and that if I say no she'll be offended. on the other hand I don't want a house full of stuff she's made that I don't want. And she's been telling our news to everyone without letting me know first so I'm cross. Any ideas on handling meddling mums?

Meddling mums....

get her over for a cuppa and explain that you understand she wants to be helpful but that you want to do these things for yourself, and be upfront and say I don;t want you to feel offended or not involved but i want to do these things for myself. Maybe take her on a shopping trip to mothercare and help her pick out some things for the baby. or give her a task to keep her busy...i got my mum looking for cot sheets / blankets etc and that kept her busy and she felt involved.

As for telling others first, again, you;ll have to be upfront and maybe say something like, i know you are excited about the news mum but please can you let me tell people, i am the one who is having the baby afterall!

Do you think she realises that she is getting too involved and making you feel uncomfortable?