to want to whack my mother in law with a cricket bat?

[ac27]

My husband's Australian, his parents live in Sydney. We live in London. We have two lovely children. The refrain of my life, coming from m-in-law over the phone, via email, in cards, letters, on skype, is:

"Oh, I'm so sad. It's just so sad. You know, some days I just don't know what to do with myself, I just miss my two beautiful babies [i.e HELLO?? MY beautiful babies] so much. It's horrible, you know. Just horrible."

The guilt my husband feels at being happy here with his wife and children grows every month. There's a constant pressure for us to move over there, even though in London my children have two grandparents, two uncles, an auntie, seven first cousins, two second cousins etc. etc., half of them on my husband's side. And in Australia - two elderly grandparents. That's it.

The woman (to whom I am charming, by the way) is unstoppable in her passive aggression. I sent her four emails of lovely photos, this is a transcript of the email I get back: "Thank you for all the photos - it breaks my heart we are not closer - just want a cuddle and hug!! the pendulum swings back and forth and I get v sad!". WTF does that even mean? What pendulum? What? WHAT??

Could somebody please empathise, before my eyeballs explode. Or tell me I'm an unreasonable, classically unsympathetic daughter-in-law - I'll mull it over, if so.

My dad emigrated and got married 3 months after I had my son,my dads wife had a ten year old and an twelve year old, he has been over for two weeks last month to see my nearly three yr old ds, and saw him three times. That is the only contact he has had with my son. he does not phone to talk to him or anything, so in a way you are lucky, cos your mil actually cares, but i do understand how fustrating your situation must be. Sometimes i find it easier not to have contact with him, cos I feel irrationally upset with him still.

I think if you pay for them to visit, travel to Australia yourself and keep in touch, you are really doing all you can

Have you thought about webcams? I'm getting a set for my Mum for her birthday this summer as she's already fretting about seeing less of us when DD starts school in September.

In reply to her pendulum email I said, "Last thing on earth I want to do is upset you, you poor, miserable wretch, so I won't send any more photos". She replied sharpish - "No no! Perfectly happily! Please continue to send!"

Did you really reply to her with that??

Respect!!

No YANBU!!

We get this a lot. DH played a blinder yesterday when mil went on about how it would be so much better for her to bond with dcs if we lived closer (we live 100 miles away). he muttered 'we'd best move to benidorm then' as in the last year mil and partner went on 16 - count em - holidays. bloody pensioners.

Ah, the English summer... the sound of MIL smacking on willow...

dp's parents do the guilt thing.

luckily my dp is an emotional cripple himself and it just makes him angry not guilty

she sounds like a right misery to converse with, your poor dp though having to bear the brunt of it!

LOL, UQD!

OP, your MIL sound EXACTLY like my mother - and my parents only live 1 1/2 (plane)hours away!! AND they see their grandchildren 6-8x/year.
Also both my parents have managed to be so critical of my SIL who outrageously is not the "kind of wife" they would have wanted for my brother (!), that they have v little contact with my niece - who lives 2mi away from them.

I keep inviting them to relocate closer to us; holding my breath that they won't ..

rofl at thumb and uqd. Marvellous.

My older IL's live 3 miles away and will often have 'the dig' and see dc's maybe once a fortnight, my mum lives abou 50 miles away and works full time shifts and is here at least once a week and deep cleans the house.

I think something happens either at 60, or when not working. People become very self ish orientated.

Bit gutted to hear thumb will be posting from other side of the world!

I got to go with Thumbwitch and stick with the cricket bat, for colonial reasons.

It's good to hear that in-laws are, generally speaking, needy, whining guilt-trippers, and that it's not just mine. And, I find, it tends to be husbands' parents rather than wives' who are the most nightmarish - that MIL/daughter-in-law resentment is a special, special thing.

Whenever I send photos, MIL starts the violins, NEVER ONCE actually looks at them and says, "Look! Grandson can ride a bike! How brilliant! Granddaughter has two teeth! How charming!"

It is the opportunity my children give her for playing the victim that seems to excite her most, rather than they themselves, as two wondrous wee beings.

If I become like that, even in the smallest way, my children's partners have my full permission to take to me with sporting equipment.

BTW, womblingfree, we have a webcam and skype with them on average twice a week. Last time (I promise you I'm not making this up) MIL and FIL were both on camera, and MIL said to my 3yo as opening gambit, "Your Granddad had to have a tooth out yesterday, that's why his face is all puffy. [Turns to FIL] Open your mouth and show him, dear, open your mouth."

Not, "How are you, darling? What are you doing today? Are you going to the playground? What did you have for breakfast?", instead "Look into the Mouth of Horror. Let us traumatise you for Life."

OMG ac27!!! I don't think mine would do anything that bonkers - but will constantly have to worry about the dining room being immaculately tidy or will have endless nagging from my mum!

Well I hugely sympathise with you here. I live overseas (not out of choice - DH forces), I love it, the DCs love it, and it is a great opportunity for our family. Doesn't stop my parents heaping on the guilt. BUT.....they (my father is still working after the legal retirement age)are using all of their annual leave for cruise holidays and only sparing one week a year to visit us.

The continue to beat me up about the fact that we only go back to the UK for 2 weeks a year ourselves. What do these people want from us? To use up all our holiday and spare cash flying back for awkward visits. Just keep sending the photos, doing the video calls and grin and bear it.

My DH feels no stress about it all because his parents don't heap the guilt on, it's my parents. His parents just treasure every moment they get.

Even when mine visit I spend 2 weeks undoing the damage. The re-establishment of routine, making sure that my DD (11 months) can cope without being picked up and carried everywhere. It's tough, but they have to get on with their own lives and not live vicariously through yours.

Not much advice there, just sympathy.

YABU - it would be unfair on the poor old cricket bat. What did it do to deserve that? It would rather be being wielded by Kevin Pietersen (although he's not doing v well atm)

OWZAT!!!!

Just have an open and honest conversation with her, along the lines of what you have said about relatives etc in the UK. Tell her she is making you feel bad and suggest that she moves over here if she feels desperately in need of a cuddle ..

OP, tell you what, I'll do your MIL here and you can pay a visit to mine over there

We moved back to Australia from the UK partly to be near grandparents again, after many years of sighs, suggestions and outright pleading.

MIL swiftly moved to the deep, deep countryside and found a new (quite horrible) boyfriend. They have now moved to the UK because he's always wanted to live there and they're getting married and it has to be in the next couple of months because he wants a certain pastor to do it and she knows we can't afford to pick up and pay for the five of us to fly back to the UK in the next two months and she's sending me a stream of guilt-inducing emails and skypeing me every time I sit down to work and forget to turn the bloody thing off.

Sorry, breath, back to punctuation.

So, it's cricket bats at dawn as far as I'm concerned.

I am silently shaking with laughter at this thread, especially UQD.

My mum only lives 200 miles away and I occasionally get 'Oh, I wish you'd come back home'

Erm, it hasn't been my home for 12 years and just because my mum is happy to remain in the same town her parents settled in doesn't mean I'm going to. In fact even one of my old school friends does it: when are you going back home to visit? This is my home, I have a flat and a baby and have lived here 5 years!

my mil lives in algeria and always asks when i am coming!! she is really lovely and has been supportive when i split drom her ds but after a day there i am climbing the walls!! skype is a wonderful thing

I'd give anything to have my MIL live on the other side of the world.

I understand completely. We have the opposite situation - I am Australian, DH is English and we live in Sydney.

After a year of making sure that I sent photos twice a week and included them on every bit of baby trivia, the ILs came out for a visit that was so strained and passive-aggressive I haven't bothered since. I told my DH that they're his parents and if he wants them to see photos then he'd better send them.

I used to feel sympathy for them but now I just think fuck them. They had the opportunity for a lovely visit and ruined it. One set of grandparents lives on one side of the world and one lives on the other. Somebody's going to miss out and this particular cookie has crumbled the wrong way for them. Very sad for them, but am I going to move to the dead-end shitty little town in the country my DH left in 1996 and refers to as Poverty Island?

Whack her for a six. And this is coming from an Australian. She is being unbelievably self-indulgent and unreasonable.

LOL at your response to her whining in response to photos. Perfectly played. Teach me, oh master!

I get the same grief from my parents. We live in NZ where dh is from. They havn't visited in the 6 years we've lived here but I've trawled back with taken dutifully the boys every year. Still grief. I find the best thing is to just grin and bear it as hard as it is. It is a grandparents right to make you miserable and guilty don't you know

We live in Singapore and get the "I wish you weren't so far away stuff" from my mum (who to be fair, can't really fly now).

I pointed out that if we hadn't moved here then they wouldn't have a grandson to miss (DS was adopted here).

(We do go back twice a year, btw, and send loads of photos, video etc. My dad tells me we've done the right thing leaving "this bloody country")

YAB a bit U. She sounds odd and a bit dramatic. Having said that she is your dh's mother and your children's grandmother. If she didn't show any interest it would be sad.

Have you ever stepped back and thought what it would be like if one of your dc moved halfway across the world and you saw them once or twice a year? I personally would be devastated. I shudder at the thought of it. I am not one of those smothering mummy types but I can't imagine not being a part of my dc's life.