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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want strangers to touch dd?

139 replies

mookickkick · 24/03/2009 18:06

On the bus, in shops, on the street... Would it be rude to tell them NO DON'T TOUCH HER? She chews her hands all the time and the thought of all those germs -- yuck.

OP posts:
PenguinProject · 25/03/2009 21:37

Actually I agree with the OP... I wouldn't be happy for a stranger to start touching my face without any preamble so why should I be happy for them to touch my son? Say hello to me first at least!

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 25/03/2009 21:53

I'm in the anti-touching bump brigade and as stated quite happy to let strangers touch my son, the difference is I don't like being touched but my son really doesn't mind and only now at 8 months is being a little wary if held by someone he doesn't know. Most (not all) babies don't have our learnt response of not liking to be touched/kissed/cuddled/stroked by strangers, babies see each situation as a new adventure and a babys smile can really make another persons day as daft as that might sound.

ChippingIn · 25/03/2009 21:58

I think I'm going to have to go cold turkey on Mumsnet, it is making me fucking paranoid around other mothers and their babies/children. How do I know if I'm talking to a regular person (notmymonster/northernlurker/jazzhands/georgiemama/lulumama etc) or a fecking nut job???

It's getting to the point where you cannot say anything to another Mother without wondering if she's going to take the hump???!!!

Mental check - do not mention the childs height (tall/small), hair colour, chubby cheeks, speech (or lack of), teeth (or lack of), ability (walking, crawling, speaking, climbing, eating - or lack of), do not discuss nappies, bottles, dummies, do not discuss the weather (someone posted how fed up they were of people talking about it), do not ask what they did pre-baby, don't ask if they WOTH or if they are a SAHM... and now we mustn't touch a child without the parents consent... FFS

I think I'll just give up Mumsnet and try to pretend the world is still full of normal people....

Mumcentreplus · 25/03/2009 22:03

hahaha@Chippin

Greedygirl · 25/03/2009 22:10

LOL ChippingIn - have you being putting your foot in it a lot recently?! Actually I was a bit annoyed that bfeeding wasn't mentioned on your list .

ChippingIn · 25/03/2009 22:40

Mumcentre - thanks

Greedygirl - probably, and it's likely I was taking the other foot out to make room for it .... but feck it, I'll just hope that it's one of you normal people I'm talking to and if it's not - feel free to be offended ......

So, what do all the terribly polite (according to recent threads) Mums talk about at toddler groups/school gates etc as I am all out of things I can safely say... actually, lightbulb moment, perhaps all the Mums who come across as snooty (don't speak to anyone) are actually just bloody terrified of saying the wrong thing, so don't say anything....

blithedance · 25/03/2009 22:48

Actually MN has been an insight for me into the lives of the germ-aware. I wash my hands as regularly as the next person but I don't creep around fearing that every door handle/outdoor shoe/public toilet/stranger/swimming pool/soft play/pet is a teeming risk requiring strict avoidance and sanitation.

There are plenty of places in the world where people really DO die for lack of sanitation and the UK is not generally one of them.

What do you do when someone shakes your hand to greet you then offers tea and biscuits? Get out the antiseptic gel?

MerryPonymum · 25/03/2009 22:49

ChippingIn, your 21:58 post has made my night.

2rebecca · 25/03/2009 23:55

I wouldn't have liked strangers trying to touch my kids and my kids are very healthy with no allergies, although son has eczema. I generally feel a few germs are good for you and don't get neurotic about people who aren't working in a hospital not washing their hands after going to the loo. I just think touching a stranger or a stranger's child or a stranger's bump is inappropriate and unnecessary. I'm not into casually kissing and hugging people either. I think some people are more casually touchy feely than others and neither lot are "wrong". I think if you go to touch a strangers child or bump though you have to be aware that the stranger might not be a touchy feely person and might get annoyed with you for doing so. Much as if you go around stroking strange dogs you might sometimes get bitten. Get a teddy or a kitten if you feel the urge to pet things.

weebump · 26/03/2009 01:22

Now, I'm all for socialising my little one, and letting old ladies have a wee peek, but EVERY time I go into our local supermarket the lady at the cash desk gets up and comes over and chats to my 15 month old dd in her pram. Lovely. But the thing is, she ignores me! I turn around and she's there with her head in the pram, rubbing dd's cheek, squeezing her hand. And I just feel a bit . It's a bit much!

weebump · 26/03/2009 01:24

My dd loves her though, and screams for her attention when we go into the shop, so I suppose I have to put up with that.

seeker · 26/03/2009 05:49

all I can say to the "take hour hands off my child you wierdo/walking pile of pathogens" is never, ever under any circumstances go to Italy!

2rebecca · 26/03/2009 09:20

Italian men are awful bum pinchers, so somehow it doesn't surprise me that the lack of respect extends to poking babies too.
I don't think something being normal in another country means it's OK.
We went to rural Spain and Ireland when the sprogs were young and there was no random poking there, although we often had the children when young in baby carriers which being closer to the parent maybe deters random pokers more than a pram would.

seeker · 26/03/2009 09:24

How on earth does it show lack of respect to a baby to coo, stroke their hands, stroke their hair, ask for a cuddle..........

seeker · 26/03/2009 09:24

Oh, and a bit at the racial stereotyping!

2rebecca · 26/03/2009 09:29

It shows a lack of respect to the parents to not ask them if its OK first. If you are a stranger to the parent why should you want to cuddle and coo over their baby. I really don't get this. Are all the baby pokers sensorily deprived or something? I guess I get enough cuddles from my family not to feel the need to start stroking babies I don't know. It does seem odd, especially if alot of the people (? mainly women) don't make any effort to engage with the adult with the baby first.
You don't do it to teenagers or adults, why babies?
If it's just an attractiveness thing , then I find some strange blokes quite attractive but I wouldn't go up to them and start touching them. It is rude and inappropriate as is poking other peoples babies.

tinierclanger · 26/03/2009 09:30

Look, for me it's got nothing to do with hygiene etc. I just don't want random strangers to touch me, therefore I extend the same feeling to my baby. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't disagree it's nice they want to! I would also say that LOTS of people smile at DS, chat to him, lean over and coo at him, and I'm fine with that, I think it's lovely. It's only the odd stranger who touches him and I'd just prefer they didn't. I would think it was disrespectful if someone I didn't know grabbed my hand or stroked my hair. Maybe those of you who disagree on the baby front don't feel that way.

2rebecca · 26/03/2009 09:32

It wasn't a racial stereotype it was my experience of Italy. I hated travelling on public transport or walking down a crowded street there. I was mainly in cities, but I did wonder how the Italian women put up with it or if they just targetted fair haired tourists.

WinkyWinkola · 26/03/2009 09:36

I really don't like the way that once you have a baby some people seem to think you have to comply with what other people's preferences are.

You don't.

You can still do what you want and you're allowed to prefer not to have your baby touched.

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 26/03/2009 09:57

nobody ever touched my children in italy and I have been going there every two months for the past 4 years. and I can recount one episode in the uk. so I do not know where all thses baby toucher are.

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 26/03/2009 10:01

ChippinIn I've always wondered that, if the mum of MN they do only exosts in MN. RL mums seems a lot more relaxed. maybe they/we are all a case od dr Jekill and Mr Hyde...

2rebecca · 26/03/2009 10:03

It sounds as though its a regional variation thing much like bump touching. I didn't experience much of either, but wouldn't have been impressed if I had.
I wonder if the type of pram makes a difference with people more likely to poke a baby in a large silver cross type pram than if in a small pram, reclining umbrella pushchair or baby carrier.
What sort of contraption are the poked babies in?

JazzHands · 26/03/2009 16:48

People tend to decide whether to pat babies or not based at least in part on how friendly the person with the pushchair is.

All you need to do is walk around looking unfriendly and if anyone tries to engage you/talk to the child just glare at them and walk off.

I reckon that should work, and is the only answer i can see to those who do not want strangers being affectionate towards their children.

OrmIrian · 26/03/2009 16:53

We have an elderly lady that lives near us and whenever she saw one of mine when they were little she would bend down, squeeze their cheeks and say 'Beautiful!'. It didn't bother me and they just disregarded it really. Now she ignores them which is quite sad really. All in all I prefer the fuss to the ignoring.

Joelysma · 26/03/2009 19:27

Bumped into an old lady last week who I got chatting to at the bus stop. She was very sweet and almost nervously asked me if she could say hello to my dd. I was fine with it and she added that recently she'd been shouted at my a mum when she'd bent down to say hello in a queue!! How very sad I thought...

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