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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my nanny to look after a friend's child for an hour when my friend has her 12 week scan?

88 replies

nowwearefour · 22/03/2009 13:54

i have a nanny 1 day a week. she is lovely. when i went for scans (had to have lots with dd2) this friend took dd1 almost all the time so we could concentrate properly etc. now my friend has finally conceived no2 and wants to be able to concentrate at her scan too. her other friend had agreed to look after her dd but pulled out on friday. the only slight issue is that my nanny's own childcare arrangements broke down for the next 3 weeks and so her husband has had to take the day off to look after her own daughter as i dont usually really like her bringing her along to work. i just feel a bit of a hypocrite to then say 'but it's ok t have an extra child around if makes my life more convenient, not if it makes your life more convenient'. It would only be for 1 hour but i really dont know whether i should ask her so she can say no, not ask ehr or what i should do??? will she feel she cant say no but be a bit internally cross with me? i really value her and do not want to annoy her!!

OP posts:
salome64 · 22/03/2009 13:58

why not let her bring her dc along for that day? then its even stevens.

Original poster
nowwearefour · 22/03/2009 14:02

but then she would be having to look after 4 under 4 for a small part of the day at the toddler group. and a whole day seems a lot for a 1 hour trade! i did give the am off on the next week to help her out with finding alternative childcare so couldnt that be the even stevens bit??

OP posts:
salome64 · 22/03/2009 14:04

sounds reasonable!

Nabster · 22/03/2009 14:05

Asking for help for one hour isn't the same as a full day over a period of time. I would give her something as an appreciative gesture.

nannynick · 22/03/2009 14:13

As a nanny, I would not object to my boss asking... but I don't have a child of my own. I am not sure how relevant that is to be honest - your contract with your nanny is such that she can't bring her own child to work, so that is what she has agreed.
One hour v whole day are different things.

You are the boss, you decide what's what. Sure you can ask... and she can't really say no... but it's better asking than just telling her that X is coming over for an hour, while I and Y go out.

gavel · 22/03/2009 14:15

Will your friend be paying your nanny for the hour's work, or is your nanny doing your friend a favour?

purpleduck · 22/03/2009 14:15

If i were the nanny, I would probably be a bit peeved.

Why don't you let her bring her child to work in emergencies?

Parents need more flexible working options, and if she can get the job done with her child there, why not let her?

And I am highly scepticle that it would just be an hour.

I'm not having a go, but her dh has taken a day off which involves sacrifice for HER family - you won't budge on letting her bring her child to work, AND THEN you want her to do you a favor? Just so your friend can concentrate on her scan?
If your friends child is too small, or cannot behave for your friend for an hour during a scan, then that child will probably be a bit of a burden for your nanny.

JazzHands · 22/03/2009 14:20

Ouch tricky one.

She may well be a bit naffed off for the reasons you have given.

Could you pay her extra for the hour for the extra child? Or give her an hour some other time to make up for it?

clam · 22/03/2009 14:25

So, you can't be flexible in allowing her to bring her own child to work as a one-off, but you expect her to be flexible in looking after your friend's child so you can be seen to be doing that friend a favour?

I'd be peed off if I were your nanny. If you value her and want to keep her, I'd either not ask, or suggest she brings her own along if she's stuck in future.

LadyMuck · 22/03/2009 14:27

When I read just the title, my immediate response was "Of course you could ask your nanny to do that".

But flexibility goes both ways. If you insist that she has to stick to contractual terms and not look after an extra child, then surely this is a bit hypocritical. Not that I can't see your reasons, but since you have made such an issue that an extra child, specially her extra child who she knows very well, is too much extra work, I think that you can't really ask her to take on a strangers child.

Nabster · 22/03/2009 14:29

I think some of you are over reacting. This is help for one hour, the nanny wanted to bring her child all day for 3 days. There is a difference.

marcelthemonkey · 22/03/2009 14:30

As a nanny I wouldn't mind having an extra child for an hour or so to help out but I also don't have my own child.

Why don't you ask her and tell her you feel bad asking since she isn't allowed to bring her child. She might understand and if she sees that you don't want to annoy her or be seen as taking advantage she will probably be fine with it. She might see that its diferent having a child for a whole day against a one off hour.

You sound like a reasonable employer to be thinking about how she will feel about it in the first place. Could you pay her for the time or give her time off or something?

MadamDeathstare · 22/03/2009 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sleepyeyes · 22/03/2009 14:35

Nannynick: You are the boss, you decide what's what. Sure you can ask... and she can't really say no... but it's better asking than just telling her that X is coming over for an hour, while I and Y go out.

As an ex-nanny I am completely stunned by that statement! And bloody shocked a so called professional nanny would say such a thing.

A nanny's agreement/contract is to care for their bosses children, their boss does not have the right to say at any given time you will be looking after A & B today their my friends kids. And a nanny is well within her right to say no!

OP: Yes you can ask but you should make it clear she is welcome to say no. If you don't want her looking after her child during work hours then tell her so, it shouldn't mean you can use the situation to your advantage.

sleepyeyes · 22/03/2009 14:37

Sorry didn't read the OP properly, I would say your YABVU to expect her to care for your friends child but wont help her out when she has a problem.

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/03/2009 14:42

tricky

your nanny agreed to NOT to bring her own child (v weird that a nanny would accept a job like that) to yours BUT as her childcare broke down - it would have been nice for you to say to your nanny, bring along your child that day

i do think it is cheeky to ask your nanny to have this other ladies child, esp as you say no to hers - it wouldnt make a difference to you you if your nanny had her child there in an emergancy as you are at work

4 under 4 is hard,so if your nanny thought being at a toddler group was too much, she could have stayed at home that day for once

nannying is give and take, and yes you are the employer , therefore you can ask, but tbh i think your nanny would be a bit pissed off (know i would)

other mums cope taking their younger children to scans - and agree with purpleduck - if the child cant behave for an hour with the mum in the buggy/book/toys etc,then they will prob be hard work for your nanny

AnyMothersDayFucker · 22/03/2009 14:45

YABU

its the thin end of the wedge really isn't it? She does this as a favour for one hour, then next week, there is another of your frinds "in need" or somesuch

if I was your nanny, I would be offended

you refused a request to bring her own dd along because of an emergency childcare problem?

if you ask her though, how can she say no? You are her employer, but I imagine she will start examining the "sits vac" column with a lot more interest!

purepurple · 22/03/2009 14:50

YABU
because you are in effect saying that her child is less important than yours or that of your friend

also YABU to not let her bring her child to work when she had an emergency
I think that is very mean.

DSM · 22/03/2009 14:53

Agree with clam.

And i think it was unreasonable of you to not let her bring her child to work when she had an emergency. She can still do the job just as well with her child there, and your own children would have had a new friend. Very unreasonable IMO.

I don't think you can ask her to look after your friends child now after that.

Karma is a bitch

Nabster · 22/03/2009 16:30

I don't think the two issues have to be connected but it would have been a brilliant thing to let her bring her own child for the short time necessary, and I am sure it would have got you favours in the bank too...

Peachy · 22/03/2009 16:50

I'd justask, tbh.

Also be aware that our nanny hasemployment rights; next time yourrefusal toallow her to bring er child may cause her to require emergency parental leave- and you will have no nanny.

pulapula · 22/03/2009 16:51

I think YABU. I think if you want to return the favour to your friend, then you should take time off work yourself for an hour- if i were your nanny i wouldn't be very happy about being asked to look after another child when you had said she couldnt look after her own child in an emergency. I had to take my DS (17 mo at the time) to my 12 week scan and although not ideal, it is possible!

fleurlechaunte · 22/03/2009 16:58

YABU. I think if I were your nanny and you didn't allow me to bring my child when I had difficulties with childcare I would be looking for another job. Think that is a horrible attitude tbh.

I think it would be cheeky as anything to ask her to look after your friends child after you have stipulated you don't want hers about even in an emergency. I wouldn't want to work for you in fact.

willowthewispa · 22/03/2009 16:59

I don't think you are being unreasonable to ask your nanny to look after your friend's child for an hour.

However, I do think you were very mean not to let her bring her own child to work with her when her own arrangements broke down temporarily. Surely as a parent yourself you would have had some compassion for her situation?

Sfendona · 22/03/2009 17:07

YABVU

Even if she brought her child at work it wouldnt be 'favour' by you. Basically it would be favour from her to you. Because the altenative could be that she takes time off. As a working mother she is entitled to take time off for child's illness. She avoided that. You should be very grateful.
If you want to repay your friend do it at your cost.

And i agree with Sleepy i too find Nick's post this time very odd

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