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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask my nanny to look after a friend's child for an hour when my friend has her 12 week scan?

88 replies

nowwearefour · 22/03/2009 13:54

i have a nanny 1 day a week. she is lovely. when i went for scans (had to have lots with dd2) this friend took dd1 almost all the time so we could concentrate properly etc. now my friend has finally conceived no2 and wants to be able to concentrate at her scan too. her other friend had agreed to look after her dd but pulled out on friday. the only slight issue is that my nanny's own childcare arrangements broke down for the next 3 weeks and so her husband has had to take the day off to look after her own daughter as i dont usually really like her bringing her along to work. i just feel a bit of a hypocrite to then say 'but it's ok t have an extra child around if makes my life more convenient, not if it makes your life more convenient'. It would only be for 1 hour but i really dont know whether i should ask her so she can say no, not ask ehr or what i should do??? will she feel she cant say no but be a bit internally cross with me? i really value her and do not want to annoy her!!

OP posts:

Original poster

nowwearefour · 22/03/2009 19:21

an extra hours pay is a good idea. i might suggest that.

OP posts:

Sfendona · 22/03/2009 19:28

Where is the vitriol?
You asked our opinions and we gave it to you.

Then when you read our opinions you came back to add pieces to the story- that you are flexible with her, that the surgery is just around the corner etc-typical in these kind of threads.

You say that you value your nanny but i still sense that you dont tbh. Thats my opinion.

JazzHands · 22/03/2009 19:31

So it's probably actually just keeping an eye on an extra one for half an hour at a toddler group?

And given that she can and does bring her DD in emergencies yes you are totally reasonable to ask.

nannynick · 22/03/2009 19:32

Still seems quite reasonable to me to ask your nanny to care for your friends child for that length of time.
While some nannies posting on here seem to object to my view that an employer can tell an employee what to do... I still feel that you are able to do that if necessary.
It is not unlike you asking your nanny to accommodate a playdate you have arranged with a friend of your child's.

Original poster

nowwearefour · 22/03/2009 19:34

that is really weird that you think i dont value her. i do wonder why. vitriol was comments that i have explained above. i really do value her completely and enormously and i am 100% sure that if you asked her she would say she knows it. i go to her evening activities and daytime activities to support what she does on m day off,i have become friends with some of her friends and invited them round to play. i have met up with her and her dd socially outside my work. what about that suggests i dont value her? i just wanted sole care of my children. when i stipuated that i had not met my nanny and my views on it have not changed.i pay really over the odds and am aware of her personal circumstances and have helped her out A LOT in lots of ways eg a HUGE christmas bonus as she was in lots of financial difficulties, allowing her to bring her dd along ANY time she has asked plus giving her at least 3 paid days off since christmas in addition to her leave entitlement. really not sure why i would be posting this question on ehre if i didnt? wouldnt i have just asked her? i think i will offer her an extra hour's pay if she is willing t look after my friend's child. that was a genius idea. i do not have a prob with being told i am unreasonable. i want to learn stuff. i jsut think being told i am taking the p*ss and they would look for another job is extremely harsh and i dont understand it.

OP posts:

MelonCauli · 22/03/2009 19:36

Salome64 I'm not flaming her, just giving her my opinion which she has asked for. I have read the whole thread and posted what I thought. I would not want to be treated like that and in her nanny's situation would look for another job. How is that flaming her?

If posters don't want to know what people think, then don't ask them.

Original poster

nowwearefour · 22/03/2009 19:38

thank you nanny nick btw. as always your advice much appreciated. hearing from a nanny is the best advice i can give- varying views on here. it must be a grey area re what as an employer is reasonable. i do try to work on the principle of ;how would i feel if my employer acted in this way' but for this one it is quite hard as i cant think of a parallel example in my line of work.

OP posts:

Ebb · 22/03/2009 19:38

I don't think YABU to ask her. It's only an hour and within the capabilities of most nannies especially if they are toddler group and the other mother is taking/picking her child up from there.

From what you say your nanny has had three months to find alternative childcare for her own child and could have arranged to take annual leave to cover at least one of these weeks. That's what most working parents have to do.

If you give her the option to say no then I think it's fine to ask. As a nanny, I have happily had extra children for my SAHM boss so she and her friends can go and ride, play tennis or just 'do lunch'. My boss and her friends have always appreciated it. She has always been flexiable with me in return.

Original poster

nowwearefour · 22/03/2009 19:40

melon- yes i did ask for views. and i appreciate them. maybe you woudnt have signed up to a job where you couldnt bring your dc along in the first place? i havent asked her yet that is why i am confused!! would you still be looking if i offered you an extra hour's money???

OP posts:

traceybath · 22/03/2009 19:46

Can your friend possibly rearrange the appointment for when you're not working? I've just had my re-arranged scan as could not get dh to look after ds2 on the first date they gave me.

Also is it not possible for her DH to look after the child at all? Thats what we do as don't have family near and friends tend to be at work . . .

You know your nanny though and am sure can tell how she'd react.

Sfendona · 22/03/2009 19:48

Look, for last time:

a) If you cant take it dont ask for opinions

b) the reason i dont think you value her or even like her is that if you give smth to someone and this comes from your heart because you value/like them , then you dont need to write it here and in CAPITAL LETTERS ffs. (xmas bonus etc)
in a passive - agressive manner

Original poster

nowwearefour · 22/03/2009 19:48

i guess her dh could look after her. but i think he wants to be there. i only work 2 days a week so lots of other times when i could have her but as the scan is at our gps the appts are soooo hard to get i think she'd prob need to wait a few more weeks and that is v hard for people isnt it. i guess if my nanny says no then her dh will have to stay behind.

OP posts:

traceybath · 22/03/2009 19:51

I think if i were you i'd say - i'd love to have your dd but unfortunately thats one of the days i work - any chance you can re-arrange?

In your friend's position i would never expect one of my friend's nannies to look after my children.

MelonCauli · 22/03/2009 19:52

FFS most of us sign up for jobs where we can't take our kids along, but if we have problems with childcare we appreciate flexibility - especially when there is a logical solution.

This is the first thread in 7 years where I am not going to read any more of your posts. Employment works best where there is give and take. Be the bigger person and make her life easier when you can.

BabyBaby123 · 22/03/2009 19:54

YABU - better idea imo - why dont you take the day off to look after your kids and your friend's child and let your nanny have the day off to spend with her own child

Original poster

nowwearefour · 22/03/2009 19:57

sfendona- fine. i do want views. that is why i asked for them. capitals because i was frustrated. not sure why i care that you think i dont value her but i do care that you think that. because i do care and value her. i will try not to be bothered about what you have written as you are entitled to think whatever you want. weird isnt it. i go on here to try to do the best thing and not to act in an unreasonable way. i end up being slated by just one or two respondees for even considering that i might do try to do this favour for my friend. funny that i want people to know what i am really like but i can see that there is just no convincing some people and i also see that i will always want people to not have a bad (unfair) opinion of me. i dont mind bad for things that are fair.

OP posts:

Original poster

nowwearefour · 22/03/2009 19:59

i would have taken the day off but my leave year runs out end march and i have already taken all my leave. i would have to take a day unpaid which does seem a bit OTT as her DH COULD have my friend's dd.

OP posts:

willowthewispa · 22/03/2009 21:18

BabyBaby123 - I think that's a pretty odd solution

Given that the OP has been flexible with her nanny when she's needed it, I don't think what she's asking is unreasonable. I am a nanny and wouldn't think twice if my boss asked me to take an extra child to toddlers. I have extra children home from school for tea all the time after all.

I certainly wouldn't expect my boss to take the day off so I could go home!

marcelthemonkey · 22/03/2009 21:57

I agree with willowthewispa. It seems like the OP has been flexible with her nanny and I can't see how its that diferent to having a playdate.

If she was as unreasonable as some people seem to be suggesting she would have told her nanny it was happening and wouldn't have bothered posting on here to see if she was being unreasonable. The OP seems to be concerned with how her nanny will feel. I certainly wouldn't be looking for another job if my employer did this to me, that seems a tad petty!

Ask your nanny. She might be fine with it

ickletickle · 22/03/2009 22:00

well, i think if you value her, then just be upfront. explain the situation and tell that you realise its a bit rich given that you didnt let her bring her daughter. offer double pay for the hour. honesty always the best policy IMVHO

katiestar · 22/03/2009 22:11

I think it is horrible that you are making her DH take the day off to look after their little girl .You are lucky she has turned in to work for you.I wouldn't have , and neither would a lot of other people !
YABVVVU

willowthewispa · 22/03/2009 22:22

The OP didn't "make" the nanny's DH take the day off - the nanny didn't even ask if she could bring her dd with her. It was a childcare issue she knew about in advance and sorted out her own solution too, not an emergency.

marcelthemonkey · 22/03/2009 22:23

Where does she say she made her nanny's dh take the day off. It sounds like the nanny didn't even tell her there was a childcare problem.

The original question was asking whether it was unreasonable to ask the nanny a favour not whether she was being unreasonable not letting her bring her daughter to work with her. Her nanny is clearly happy to make alternative arrangements for her daughter so that she can go to work.

Ebb · 22/03/2009 23:21

And why shouldn't the nannies DH look after his own daughter? Surely we have moved on from women being the sole childcarers?!

The nanny took the job which clearly stated she could not bring her own child. She was obviously happy with that.

She knew 3 months in advance that her father was going on holiday so she would have to arrange alternative care for her own child.

She didn't ask the op if she could bring her child to work.

The op sounds like she has been flexiable on occassions.

I don't see the problem with asking the nanny if she would mind looking after one more for an hour. The nanny can always say no!

theoldlady · 23/03/2009 08:35

i find it odd that some people on here dont understand that being a nanny is a job like any other. sometimes people allow nannies to bring their own children, sometimes not. in this case not. therefore arrangements need to be made if the nanny's usual child care arrangements are not available. just like anyone else has to do. this is as ebb says about asking to do a favour for a friend.

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