to write mildly pornographic stories, even though DH hates it?

[KayHarkerIsPlayingWithMitchell]

In amongst trying to to general mumsy things, I write stories, many of which feature fictional characters doing incredibly rude things to one another.

Dh absolutely hates me writing anything much at all, unless it's the few little projects I have convinced him might bring me £50 royalties when I'm 40 or something.

He especially hates the fanfiction and the ones which include sexual situations, and tells me it's no different to me having an affair with someone.

I disagree, and am actually seriously considering trying to do something full length which includes sexual situations. Am I unreasonable to continue writing despite his wishes?

Serenity, are you a Joss Whedon fan by any chance?

I don't see why any aspect of a person's sexuality or personality would by default prevent them from being a good parent (well, with the obvious exception of paedophilia but let's assume I mean anything that is legal between consenting adults). If you start to think that then we really haven't moved on from "A Room of One's Own" at all, which would be really sad.

Firstly, I hope you're getting the message loud and clear that everyone on this thread does not think you are being unreasonable to write.

Am I right folks?

Secondly, at my most charitable, I'd say your DH is having a dose of empathy failure. He doesn't read or write, doesn't derive pleasure from it, can't understand that you do, and that, at least to my untutored eye, you're actually really rather good. If he played football to the same standard as you write, his club would be standing pretty high in his local league. He might be able to grasp this intellectually, but I suspect he doesn't get it emotionally.

When you add in the fairly recent redrawing of boundaries in your relationship, and the possibility of him being a little fuzzy on what constitutes sexual fidelity and what consistutes creativity, then I can see that this might cause a bit of friction.

Now all I need are some suggestions for reconciling him to this that are more constructive than 'kick him in the nuts'...nope...not getting any inspiration there...

I like your stuff too & I was devastated when that Dr Who one, you linked to last year finished at Christmas (I don't think you wrote it but I was so sad it ended)

Yep

I think some people think that when people, and by people I probably should say women, become parents then there's a nice tidy little bundle of norms and values that they should start sticking too. Just look at the dross that comes out for Mothers Day to see what society sees as being 'what a mother is' We're individuals, and giving birth shouldn't mean that we give up rights to that individuality, and whatever character quirks come with it.

Oh, and I've read you fic Kay, and I'm definitely NOT going to say stop writing it ('cos I quite like reading it!)

Oh, I definitely think there's a jealousy element to it. That's the affair thing, I think - if I'm constructing sexual situations in my writing which involve characters I find attractive, he says that's me committing adultery.

I only tend to write in free moments, or when he's watching football or on the PS2. He has as much time with me as he wants, and has asked me to stop writing a number of times in the evening because he wants to me to sit and watch the football with him. Bet you can guess how much I enjoy that.

But I rarely do it when I could be with him anyway.

Yay for Serenity!

Have you tried asking him to stop watching the football and go to a writer's evening with you, instead?

nope, he wouldn't go in a million years.

Well, indeed.

If he wants to do something with you...and that is Sweet and A Good Thing, it needs to be something you both enjoy, no?

And also something that will give you both some free time to pursue things you find personally interesting. You're married, you're not the same person.

But you know, I do genuinely worry that I need to make some sacrifices, after changing to rules of the relationship so dramatically.
It's just I really do love writing, it's something that makes me feel I'm truly being 'me' if that makes sense, and stopping, or curtailing it to a really narrow acceptable topic group (which he wouldn't read anyway) just makes me feel really sad.

Kay - stop worrying !!

But Kay, he didn't marry a relationship, he married you. The rules of the dance may have changed, but the dancers are the same.

All you did by the sound of it was "change the rules" to make it possible for an adult woman with her own mind to live in the marriage withou going insane. You don't have to compensate for that. It's not like you asked him to agree to an open marriage, or start having pirate sex (I am quite tempted by that idea myself, may discuss with DH).

I'm really for you that he is so threatened by this aspect of your personality. It's part of who you are and he should accomodate it even if he can't celebrate it.

What type of fanfic is it?

I love fanfiction.

Writing is part of you and your creative soul - of course you shouldn't stop!!

Gosh, I feel like prescribing some feminist literature here! The Yellow Wallpaper...A Room Of One's Own...The BellJar...any other suggestions, people?

By which I mean...he presumably values you for things other than your ability to wear floral frocks, bear his children and recite all the Doctor Whos, in order.

Although personally I would put a lot of value on the last attribute

If you give this up you'll ending up getting cross and resentful, which has got to be worse in the long run.

And sacrificing things is way overrated.

I can see that the sex thing is going to be a very potent trigger for him and thus I am surprising myself by not going off on a Major Feminist Rant.

However, that is his thing, not yours. It's not something you can fix by 'making a sacrifice': it's something he needs to explore himself, with reference to your marriage and his confidence in you as a loving and faithful partner.

Don't stop writing because someone else makes you. You have a talent for it: you are GOOD at it, and you enjoy it, what more reason do you need to continue? Oh yeah, the money...

Do you had any DDs? If so, what would you advise them do in your situation?

Is your DH jealous as he doesn't have a creative outlet? Could you write some 'special' his-eyes-only lit featuring him, to make him feel more included? (Heaving floral-clad bodices a-go-go?)

PS - I would like more Mitchell/chocolate stories please! (Could this be a whole new 'choclit' genre?)

I am and at this thread and the fact that anyone's DH would be threatened by a bit of fanfic!

I don't think you should let anyone stop you writing what you want to write. It's not real, it's not hurting anyone, it's not degrading anyone and it sure as hell is not akin to having an affair.

YANBU at all. Please please please carry on, I've read some of your Dr Who fic and it really is good stuff!

NB I have had to tone down my response quite a bit. To say what I really think of any man who tries to control his partner like this, would perhaps not be very diplomatic in the circumstances...

Kay, I read some of your Being Human stuff and loved it. Don't stop, please. My (ex) DH would have been thrilled if I'd been writing stuff like that - mind you, I'd have had to deliver IRL as well ...

I'm another one who's read some of your stuff, enjoyed it immensely & doesn't want you to stop.

I think erotic is definitely a better description than pornographic - it's both much better written and less explicit than some I've read (eg the 'Colour' Rose series, which generally has about two paragraphs of plotless 'story' before they fall into bed.

As far as I know, you don't write slash do you? Would your DH feel more or less upset by it if you got Ten together with Captain Jack instead of Rose?