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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be somewhat offended by my SIL letters ?

123 replies

chocolatekitten · 20/03/2009 14:19

The way she addresses them ? They are Christmas/Easter cards that she sends to DH and myself. She always writes Mr & Mrs Fred Bloggs ( made up name of course). Every time I'm bemused and cross at the same time. As if I don't have my own name and am sort of my husband's property.
Is it a normal way to address a married couple in UK ? I'm an immigrant from another European country where people always write both names or at least Mrs@Mr Bloggs.
SIL is 48. I mention this as I would understand better if she was an elderly lady from a bygone era.

OP posts:
stuffitllama · 20/03/2009 22:50

No it's Drs A and B Clatterhouse I'm sure.

Ivykaty44 · 20/03/2009 22:52

Well I think it is hideous and never really liked to put it - but they are both dr's and I wouldn't want to offend by not using there title as such when they both worked hard to get ther - iyswim

2rebecca · 20/03/2009 22:53

I find it old fashioned and rather sexist. It's usually an older generation thing so I'm surprised she does it at only 48. I wouldn't be annoyed at it, just put it down to her being old fashioned and "unenlightened" in feminist terminology. Some of my husbands relatives still address cards to me as Mrs x when I've never changed my name on anything and am Ms Y. Again I don't get annoyed by it and just accept some women don't get the woman not changing her name thing, and presume that although I call myself Ms Y in some way I am "really" Mrs X!

stuffitllama · 20/03/2009 22:57

well Ivy if it troubles you why not put Dr A Clatterhouse and Dr B Clatterhouse

hideous is not this

Kewcumber · 20/03/2009 23:08

you're lucky you get a mention on the envelope - I address brothers cards to "Fred Bloggs" SIl only gets a mention inside thecard. Can;t be arsed to write two names on the envelope- does she really secretly hate me?

hatwoman · 20/03/2009 23:11

I'm so amazed by how many people on here do the Mr and Mrs F Bloggs thing because it's the "correct" way. (and, sorry to say this but I think mn two years ago would have been different). Hardly any of my friends do this when they write to me. And I couldn;t when I write to them - most of my female friends use Ms (if anything - many prefer no title at all) and most of them haven't changed their surname anyway. Those of you who say it's "correct" can you not see that it is a sexist hangover that should die a graceful death? and that has the potential to offend?

I address envelopes in all manner of ways:

The Bloggs Family
Mr and Mrs Bloggs (for the more traditional friends)
Jane and John Bloggs
Jane and John (the surname's pretty superfluous unless they share a house with another Jane and John)
Jane Smith and Fred Bloggs
Fred Bloggs and Jane Smith

but would never use Mr and Mrs F Bloggs

if it's a formal letter and I don't know the sex of the person I'm writing to I'll put madam/sir as often as I put sir/madam

(but I do use faithfully and sincerely correctly.)

2rebecca · 20/03/2009 23:13

I'd probably rather my friends and relatives sent cards to me, and my husbands just to him than have the Mr and Mrs F Bloggs version. I think getting upset by them is daft, but I probably do favour people who don't treat me as my husband's chattell.

hatwoman · 20/03/2009 23:14

in answer to the OP re being offended - I think you would be mistaken to take a personal offence or to think that your sil is slighting you in some way. However I think yanbu to find the whole idea of it offensive, iyswim

piscesmoon · 21/03/2009 08:40

I can't stand being called Ms, but it wouldn't upset me. The whole thing is unimportant-OP SIL isn't slighting her, she is doing what she does for everyone and I expect she has never thought about it. I hadn't until now but having read all the replies will just carry on putting Mr & Mrs F Bloggs because it is traditional and easy and I can't see anything wrong with it.

StealthPolarBear · 21/03/2009 08:47

If you just put "Fred and Freda" (i.e. no surname) on the envelope and they have moved, it won;t be redirected. Unlikely to be a problem if it's your brother, but if it's friends you don't see that often, could cause problems

SkintColditz · 21/03/2009 09:00

It's quite normal here, especially for her age - My mother is early fifties and they always got letterts for Mr and Mrs D Colditz

SkintColditz · 21/03/2009 09:02

What's REALLY annoying is when the school write to "Mrs ExP" - when a) we have been split up since before they ever knew me
b) We were never married in the first place!

TsarChasm · 21/03/2009 09:08

Offended? Seriously? Blimey aren't some of you touchy.

I clicked on this thinking the sil must be sending hate mail or something. The poor woman has only addressed a nice card. I'm sure she doesn't actually mean anything offensive by it

piscesmoon · 21/03/2009 09:31

Since reading threads on mumsnet I think that I must go around offending people all the time and yet be quite unaware! People get touchy about such unimportant things. It doesn't really matter what goes on the envelope ae long as you get it! My SIL puts Fred and Freda on the envelope with no mention of Bloggs, it isn't my way of doing it but I just accept it is her way, she doesn't mean anything by it and I don't see any point in trying to change it.

Lawks · 21/03/2009 09:42

Pisces - yes, I must leave people frothing in my wake as I steam about offending everyone left, right and centre. I'd always thought I was quite polite and unoffensive too!

I get Mr and Mrs F Blogs a lot and I think it's because I didn't change my surname, and people can't work out what to put.

By the way - I believe that when someone's husband has died it is incorrect to still address the widow as Mrs Husbandsname Surname. I think. .

Can anyone tell me how to address cards to my married friends where she is a Dr, he is not and they have different surnames?

TsarChasm · 21/03/2009 09:48

Hi Pisces..I always seem to bump into you on these 'offended' threads Nothing seems to upset us!

clam · 21/03/2009 09:52

My father tried to insist that the placecards at our wedding were written as Mrs Fred Bloggs. Not even a 'Mr and Mrs' excuse there. I put my foot down. My name is not Fred. Why not Mrs Edna Bloggs?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 21/03/2009 09:53

YABU..it scares me how touchy some people seem to be on here about the slightest thing!

piscesmoon · 21/03/2009 09:53

I think that life is too short TsarChasm! It is much better health wise to let things go-people must get very stressed worrying about these things. I think 'on a scale of 1-10 does it really matter'-and generally the answer is NO!

piscesmoon · 21/03/2009 09:55

Lawks it should be
Mr F Bloggs and Dr J Smith

BalloonSlayer · 21/03/2009 09:55

I thought etiquette decreed that:

A married couple are Mr and Mrs F Bloggs

The woman on her own is Mrs F Bloggs.

She is only Mrs E Bloggs when a widow.

If I am right, then a lot of ladies in the past would have been offended by being called Mrs E Bloggs while their husband was still alive as it would imply he wasn't.

Times change!

I worked with a woman who refused to have any "handle" on her name. She was often to be heard remonstrating in her foghorn voice with some hapless minor official on the other end of the phone: "I am not Miss, Mrs or Ms, I am Jane Smith." (made up name) A sort of feminist version of The Prisoner. I did admire her, yet I often wonder if she still does this or has given up out of sheer exhaustion.

(OP I am 44 and I often feel like an elderly lady from a bygone era )

willowthewispa · 21/03/2009 09:56

God, I think it's horrible too! I'd be irritated if my SIL did it.

piscesmoon · 21/03/2009 12:02

I can understand OP asking if it is normal because she comes from a different country, where it isn't done that way. I think it is silly for people brought up in this country to get irritated when it is the formal, correct way to do it. Formal letters from solicitors, the school etc to both of us come to Mr and Mrs F Bloggs. If you go to a very formal dinner you will be the same.
Things move on and you don't have to use it. To be correct I should write to my mother (a widow) as Mrs Fred Bloggs but I don't, I put Mrs Freda Bloggs. You can do whatever you like but it isn't fair to get annoyed with people who are only being correct. I think it is better to err on the side of correct as a lot of people will be upset with informality, as in elderly patients in hospital being called Fred instead of Mr Bloggs.

solanum · 21/03/2009 12:31

She is using the correct form of address for a married couple on correspondence for the couple.I wouldexpext suchletterstobe addressed that way. I get annoyed if people useinformal /slapdash formsof address inappropriately.

stuffitllama · 21/03/2009 12:33

jeez
if someone sends you a card

nice

not irritating, annoying or offensive

a query, yes, but no one's pulling out your toenails