To be sick of reading on MN that you are a "good role model" to your dd if you go back to work??

[ssd]

have read this over various posts on MN over the years

usually posters give various reasons to return to work, all viable and good, but then the poster throws in the "good role model" shite

why always harp back to this?

if you love your kids, teach them to respect and care for others, learn manners and discipline THEN you are a good role model

most of us eventually will return to work at some stage and if we don't we will still be good role models unless we are lying about the house taking drugs and leaving the kids to go feral, which I;m sure not too many of us do!

I know I'll get slated on here as the going back to work to be a good role model line seems to be very poplular round here and I'm not trying to wind up posters who use it, it just seems to me people work out of necessity, not to be a role model

And BTW where's all the role models for ds's??? or is just loving them enough?

smallorange - people in paid work also contribute in other ways outside the home. I don't think MillyR was making a value judgement at all actually - she was simply asking for clarification. jellybeans has defined herself as a SAHM all the way through the thread, and then suddenly mentions voluntary work and now being a University student. Nothing wrong with any of these things at all - it was just a tad confusing!

I considered myself a SAHM when I did voluntary work and was a student.

In terms of does it make it all better, I am the wrong person to ask, because I do not think it is wrong to be a SAHM and have said that on this thread and on many threads.

I do have an issue with people who only seem to care about themselves and their own children.

I do not consider a student to be a SAHM; I consider them to be a student with caring responsibilities.

I think it is also worth pointing out that women who do voluntary work can also be SAHM, students or in paid employment. So the fact that I am paid does not mean that I devalue unpaid work; I do voluntary work with other people's children.

I was a SAHM I studies with the open university and only studied when dd was in nursery or in bed. My status as a mum was far more important than any studying, I was also taking an evening course in photography, am not sure if that stops me being classed as a SAHM as well.

Twinset, you may have considered yourself a SAHM, but I work in a university, and it would not be acceptable for me to consider a student to be a SAHM. I think that is more to do with the status of students than the status of SAHM. Many people seem to think that they can push lots of extra tasks on to full time students because they believe being a full time student isn't really work. That creates difficulties for mature students.

I do know SAHM of school age children who don't do any voluntary work. But I know more working people with no children who don't do any voluntary work.

I work full time and I do a few voluntary things. In some ways the very active clever working mothers often do more not less than sit in front of teh TV, bit depressed hard to find time to get dressed in the morning stay at homers (not all, just some). Give things to busy people as they'll get them done, as the saying goes.

Have to say I agree with that last point to some extent xenia. When my girls did brownies, most of the adult leaders were working mothers. I don't know whether it's a case of having the organisational skills, the confidence etc... But it's definitely true that many people who successfully combine parenting and working are also likely to be the movers and shakers in any community.

I think this is down to Brownies, Guides etc being evening commitments, which tend to be done by women who can only volunteer in the evenings. SAHM tend to volunteer in the day.

Jellybeans - to go back to the moral/political aspect.... I think it's a case of this aspect actually being a part of our lives whether we are aware of it or not. For instance, that University course you are doing... have you stopped to think about the fact that if it weren't for the massive changes in society brought about by women (and men) who fought for progression, you wouldn't be doing it. It's not that long since women didn't have access to higher education. And certain professions were barred to them. Now, I'm not some militant who is suggesting that all women have to work all the time, just to sort of 'pay back' for these developments, but I do think it's important to acknowledge that we are all a part of society, and today's women are benefiting from the battles previous generations of women fought.

I am a teacher. It really isn't that long since women had to give up teaching jobs when they married (yes that's right - when they married - not just when they had kids!!). Isn't it better that society has moved on? I'm also a senior manager, Now, even in my lifetime there has been huge progression there. I remember many female teachers at my school, but the Head was male, so were the deputies... in fact the only senior female I remember was an unmarried woman who went by the title Senior Mistress and her remit seemed to be tampax! And this wasn't aeons ago... it was a comprehensive in the 70s!! I think it's great that society has moved on so quickly.

The best measure for me was the fact that when I gained my senior management post (within a few months of my DH getting his) neither my daughters (or my son) batted an eyelid. To them it was totally normal. As normal as when dad gets home first, gets the shopping in and cooks dinner.

That to me is genuine equality.

violet hill "But it's definitely true that many people who successfully combine parenting and working are also likely to be the movers and shakers in any community."

What a load of nonsense.

the movers and shakers in a community can be anyone..all ages, both sexes. Likewise some people don't do anything for the community. I don't think it has anything to do with being a working mum or not.

Some working mums on this thread have an overinflated view of their own importance. Xenia still hasn't replied to my post first thing this morning and I doubt anyone else has bothered to read it, certainly not the working mums who are just too busy jumping on the bandwagon trying to imply choosing to look after your own children when they are young is an inferior choice.

Well I'm happy with my choice so you can say what you like!

Of course anyone can be a mover or shaker- I wasn simply saying that IME these people often are very dynamic people with busy lives - they just seem to find that energy and drive to contribute to the community as well as being a parent, working etc

'Some working mums on this thread have an overinflated view of their own importance'

not that I've seen. If you're happy with your choice, then what's the problem? Those of us who are parents and work too are happy with ours!

The problem is that while SAHMs think it is fine if people choose to work, the Working Mums on this website keep attacking the SAHMs for their choice and saying that the SAHMs are not good role models.

One working Mum has said "I think on average most working mothers tend to be the ones who had good careers". It is all rather irritating for a well educated person, who has been successful in her career to hear.

But i cannot add the maths.

How can some women work full time and over time in very important potitions, in the same time being there for their DCs, and do unpaid work for the community? There is only 24 hours and you need some of them for sleep.

I work f/t because my hasband does not earn enough and because i am VERY lucky to have my mum for free childcare. I i had to pay childcare i wouldnt work. No way that i would go to work just for the sake of it if i didnt make profit. I m not saddo. Also i wouldnt go to work if my hasband earnt more and we could survive on his wages. I would be extremely happy and more fullfilled if i stayed home.

To me family is a partnership not a fight or a competition

well said Sfendona - particularly the last line!

My mum is 120 miles away..I wish she were nearer. I may well have gone back part time if she had been able to help with childcare.

Just to add.

My mum does 'unpaid' work. Looking after my dc when i go to work. Of course she is VERY important. Also when she is tired my dad takes over.

You see we are two generations in the family working all as a team. There is no 'status' and 'power' and all that.

I work full time as does dh. Ds is currently in nursery full time & starts school in Sept. When he starts school dh will reduce his hours so he can pick him up from school (there's a breakfast club in the mornings)We made this decision as we didn't want dh going to a childminder for a couple of hours a day after school & dh earns less than I do. Fortunately I love my job & am more than happy for dh to be the one reducing his hours. I believe the fact that we made this decision together based on what we believe is best for our family makes us good role models as parents. Working doesn't make you a good role model any more than not working does.

Claire,
I m sure you 'wouldnt want DH going to childmonders'

I agree with your post btw

Happywomble has a good point... 'The problem is that while SAHMs think it is fine if people choose to work, the Working Mums on this website keep attacking the SAHMs for their choice and saying that the SAHMs are not good role models. '

Happywomble - you said "One working Mum has said "I think on average most working mothers tend to be the ones who had good careers". It is all rather irritating for a well educated person, who has been successful in her career to hear."

Now I didn't post the original comment but I am sure that I understand where the poster was coming from. The issue is one of having a genuine choice. Many people do not have a choice about returning to work with 2+ DC's because they can't afford the childcare. So obviously it tends to be the better paid wohms who can stay in for the duration".

There are so many cases. Every family is a different story.

I am not very well paid but was able to return to work because my mum does the childcare. Others also not very well paid get some help with Nursery fees.

Many SAHM are much better educated than me and were earning more and perhaps they have saved and can now be able to take few years break.

And if they were more succesfull than me then more likely they met partners who earnt much - 70% of people meet their partner at workplace- so they can afford to stay home.

So all these stereotypes (working mum=educated and intelligent, SAHM=the opposite) are very very childish

On average what I said is so. Even the couple above where the man is going to work less to pick up the child after school is because the woman earns more. if the man earns £50k a year and the woman £20k then she is more likely to give up work.The ones who perhaps couldn't quite make it at work, not get the promotion etc are likely to be the ones who then take the optino of staying home. Of course there are lots of notable exceptions but on the whole couples take these decisions on economic grounds.

Very few women who earn £100k with a husband on £20k tend to give up work do they?

Actually yes

If i was earning over 100K in the years before children (in my dreams) i would have save half of that and would take few years break

People have different priorities thats all

My DH was only earning about 5k more than me when I took a career break. He was 5 yrs older and we were both doing well in our careers.

I agree with brett girl and that is why i plan to return to work. i wathink your kids need to c u try your best in the given circumstances. I plan to be a SAHM until dd is two then go back to teaching. I am racking my brain trying to think of working from home ideas though and would love to have my own business. To me, this is the ideal solution to this dilemma. Having my own enterprise excites me much more than returning to dirty office politics.