To be sick of reading on MN that you are a "good role model" to your dd if you go back to work??

[ssd]

have read this over various posts on MN over the years

usually posters give various reasons to return to work, all viable and good, but then the poster throws in the "good role model" shite

why always harp back to this?

if you love your kids, teach them to respect and care for others, learn manners and discipline THEN you are a good role model

most of us eventually will return to work at some stage and if we don't we will still be good role models unless we are lying about the house taking drugs and leaving the kids to go feral, which I;m sure not too many of us do!

I know I'll get slated on here as the going back to work to be a good role model line seems to be very poplular round here and I'm not trying to wind up posters who use it, it just seems to me people work out of necessity, not to be a role model

And BTW where's all the role models for ds's??? or is just loving them enough?

Not saying that. There is an implication that if you are a WOHM then you are less of a mother or a less good mother. And this is rubbish. Lots of WOHMs continue to work because they think this makes them better mothers. This is certainly true in my case although that's not the only reason I continue to work. Working for dp and I does not intrude in family life but it opens up huge amounts of possibilities in our case. Financial and otherwise. For our kids now and in the future and for us as a family.

so basically sahm are really totally worthless!

by fivecandles on Fri 20-Mar-09 21:58:41
There is an implication that if you are a WOHM then you are less of a mother or a less good mother.

is there? where?
and your answer to this implication is to say that WOHP do everything that SAHP's do, and more?
and the implication is... what? WOHP work harder?

juule, I do. I take the kids to school and pick them up. I do homework with them. I mark when they are in bed. I work 9-2.30 and dp works 9-3.30. When our dcs are at home then so are we.

But when they are in school we are at work. Earning a living. Educating other people's kids and providing for our own.

DS gave me a Mother's Day card today, made at school, with quotes from everyone in their class with why their mum is the best. In this small sample of 30 or so 9 year olds most say their mum is the best because she looks after them when they're ill, because she cooks yummy food, because she makes them laugh, gives them hugs, "does everything for me". And there's a simple one that goes "My mum is the best because she makes the best pancakes. I love my mum!"

good for you fivecandles. you have a job that fits in with famaily life. youare able to work part time. so is your dh
how very very lucky you are. luckier than the vast majority of people.

HC, yes I think to some point we are disagreeing over nothing. But I think there is an important distinction between someone's occupational status and their caring responsibilities. A nanny would have both her occupation as a nanny and her role as a person with primary caring responsibilities for her own children. So the term 'mother' or 'primary carer' as an occupation is a bit misleading, because so many people are both in paid employment and are a primary carer. So I think there is a distinction between the two.

That is not meant to be a criticism of SAHM in any way.

five candles, good for you. I am glad you are happy with your life.
What is your point?
Come on, get on with it!

Exactly, very nulabour.

WOHM pay tax twice once on their income and once for the childcare and SAHM are penalised financially by losing pension rights and by being supported financially by husbands who earn enough to enable them to stay at home and in doing so pay a higher rate of tax than if they earned the same amount or slightly more between them.!!!

Ultimately this is a very emotional issue for many reasons. I personally plan to stay at home until all of my children are at least at primary school because I had a WOHM who made it very clear that her career was far more interesting to her than staying at home with us which she found 'boring' and neither of whose parents thought it necessary to turn up to more than a handful of school events in my entire childhood (with the exception of 1 sports day and 1 school play) even though I was a drama student and would have given anything for them to take an interest. Both had jobs which required lots of foreign travel, including at weekends and late nights in the office but more so my mother than my father as she specifically took on this role and was very upset when she had to change to another dept which involved far less foreign travel... She actually cried!

this meant that I was almost entirely brought up by nannies (who were a VERY mixed-bag) by part-time parents who I sometimes felt saw me as some kind of weekend hobby.

As a result I have put my teaching career on hold to ensure my children know that they're my priority.

And if I don't go back until they're much older I won't consider being at SAHM as a waste of my brain because I think the fact I have a degree is an addition to my parenting skills, as it would be if I was esp creative, organised, etc.

some of my friends do a great job of balancing work and home, other's don't and their children do suffer for it more than they benefit from their hardworking and ambitious example.

so no YANBU.

fivecandles, I agree, you are lucky to have a job with good hours etc, many people have relentless unsuitable houred jobs. Many jobs are overated and underpaid.

juule, obviously you can't do everything that a sahm can do if you work. Or actually you can, you just do it at different times. I agree with fivecandles. I work all day whilst my dd is at kindergarten. Then I "joke" with my colleagues that now I am off home to do my "other" job.

The cleaning gets done, the shopping gets done, the ironing almost gets done. DH does HIS share. DD has a happy time with her friends. We still go to the park, read books, do painting, play doh, baking, go on trips etc.

Proper meals are cooked and served. DD is happy, healthy and loved. I know that i am not the world's greatest mother. But I am not the worst either. My dd is growing up in an environment where education is considered extremely important, and where it is quite normal for your parents to work.

My point, as I have said, is that there is an implication that WOHM do not do the work of motherhood or at least not as much of it. And that they 'miss out'. And that their kids miss out.

And yes, I am 'lucky' but actually the dynamics of my family have not appeared because of happy accident. Dp and I CHOSE them and worked for them.

I work for many many reasons including the fact that I'm a pretty shit mum when I'm at home all the time and pretty fucking amazing when I'm not.

Where does that fit into our "debate"??

I bet that's true for many of us.
Conversely I'd say that maybe lots of women are pretty shit in "work" but brilliant sah mothers
So what??
Why does it have to be a jostling for position all the time. Surely role models take many forms in the home and in a more formal workplace.

Growing children who recognise that should be the goal.

Recognising excellence and appreciating that you can fill a niche really, really well is more important than judging worth in such a one dimensional sense
imho

fivecandles' Earning a living. Educating other people's kids and providing for our own'.

thankyou

good post lizzid

Personally I really understand why women want to be SAHM while their children are preschool but find it less easy to understand once their children are school-aged. Housework is no longer a full-time job and you can't do much mothering while your kids aren't actually with you. No more than I can while my kids are in school and I am at work anyway.

But also, as I've said I don't see why it has to be women that take the time off. And why childcare and paid work and housework can't be shared between women and men.

DS's role model at the moment is a young (male) footballer. I think sometimes we really overanalyse stuff on MN.

fivecandles you must be the only teacher I know whose job has no impact on your family life. I am very jealous and bow to you.

I am crap at balancing work and home and am very lucky that dp is so fab at it.

cthea

Portofino and 5c you are obviously so much better organised than I was. I found it difficult to drop my children off at 8:30 and pick them up again at 5:30-6pm. I missed them. I found it difficult to fit all the
cleaning, shopping, ironing park trips, reading bookspainting, play doh, baking, go on trips etc. in and do a good job at work too. And yes dh pulled his weight, too.
So, we discussed things and we decided that one of us should stay home. I opted for that and dh was happy with that arrangement too.
So I suppose we all have to work around what works best for us as individuals and our families.

Well I'm sure some WOHM's miss out on some things.

Just as some SAHM's miss out on other things.

You take one road, it means you miss out on the other, that's life.

So what? What rule is there that says we all have to experience everything all the bloody time?

I'ts the "having it all/ doing it all" fantasy. Of course we are all going to miss out on various things which are valuable depending on our choices. We just don't need to pretend that the thing we are missing out on, is less valuable than the thing we have chosen.

I find lots of things about people difficult to understand, but that doesn't mean that they are in the wrong. If they're happy with it, why do I need to understand it?

hmm interesting lizzid

my maternal parent was also a career woman - high flying and made it extremely clear that 'mothering' as such was beneath her

she was utterly disinterested in home life and i frequently wondered why she had procreated at all

I - love all the banalities of stay at home life

i love babies and toddlers - enjoy just being with them and oddly am NEVER bored. I am very clever and have no problem occupying my brain.

my dp is in and out during he day which helps.

I feel very content and have been a professional mother for a long time now

I am due a pay rise

or at least a tax break

fivecandles - the reason it is not always that easy at school age is that the primary school day is 9:00am to 3:15ish given that most people need to drive on to their job it hardly gives you enough time to do a days work does it. I used to leave the house at 7 and get back at 7 or later when I last worked in paid employment.

I intend to look for work but am not confident of getting a great job that will fit in with school hours. Luckily there are before and after school clubs at my DCs school but Ds doesn't like them and some schools still don't have these clubs.

"Housework is no longer a full-time job "

Well that depends..too. It's almost a full-time job around here