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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about DD attitude to everything

81 replies

lily2309 · 16/03/2009 17:33

Trying to think were to start ! I have a DD 22 who is trying to find work ( which is certainly not easy at the moment) I still give her a small allowance to help but do not agree to attitude as to what sort of job she should go for. In this current climate you cant be too fussy but she keeps on saying she doesnt want to do this or that because its boring !!!! she has a degree and has worked for a short while but was unfortunately laid off in Feb. she still lives at home and as she is not working I dont feel that I can ask her for a contribution.
The other problem is her boyfriend - her dad is more up tight about the relationship than I as I just want her to be happy but he is so completely different to her. Different background , age, religion, colour. I know that this shouldnt really count but she doesnt realise that when the rosy glow of love wears off and maybe the going gets tough will she be able to cope.

I know that she is not a child (although she sometimes behaves like one but I really dont know what to do or say anymore about any of the above issues

Help!

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 16/03/2009 17:38

Stop giving her an allowance.

If I had a roof over my head, food given to me and pocket money I wouldn't go out and look for a job either.

pagwatch · 16/03/2009 17:39

stop giving her the allowance. And stop prejudging the relationship - the fact that they are from different backgrounds in nothing to do with anything.
You are treating her like a child. Stop supporting her, stop thinking you have a say in who she chooses ( as long as they are kind and respectful to her) and let her start taking care of herself.
Shes 22 . I had been supporting myself ( and sending money home) for four years by that age.

Paying the food bill focusses the mind on whether work is boring or not. The ability to eat becomes more important than entertainment

deanychip · 16/03/2009 17:40

As she is an adult, there is nothing that you can do.
However, under your roof and given an "allowance" she really has you by the knackers!

OR you have her by the knackers!
Serously, do you think that it is the right thing to do to give her money?

(i had to survive aged 16 alone....and just did it tbh. Didnt have the luxury of going to uni to agin a degree nor a parent who saw me right.)
You sound like a lovely mum, wish you were mine.

sarah293 · 16/03/2009 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hanaflower · 16/03/2009 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

llareggub · 16/03/2009 17:51

When I first graduated I had all sorts of unrealistic expectations about what job I should be doing. I only looked at jobs earning a certain amount, for example, and really thought my degree made me too good for all sorts of things.

Luckily the jobcentre and my parents gave me a healthy dose of reality. The jobcentre forced me into took me on as a temp in a basic admin role, which was entry level and did not require a degree. It showed me I had hell of a lot to learn! My parents told me to pay rent or find somewhere else to live.

I spent 6 weeks of hell work experience with the job centre and focussed my job search on more appropriate vacancies. I was also far less, shall we say, boastful of my degree and its potential use in the job market.

BonsoirAnna · 16/03/2009 18:00

lily2309 - what is your DD's degree in? What are her marketable skills?

kickassangel · 16/03/2009 18:01

my parents gave me some support through uni, but the moment i graduated i was on my own, and they could have given me money if they wanted.
i had a basic job, paid rent & sorted all my own finances, dh supported me through pgce to be a teacher a few years later.
at some point, she has to stop coming to you for money.
and if she was laid off, she can get benefits & poss even HB to pay you rent.
sit down, give her a talk, give her a deadline & give her some pointers on where her life is going if she doesn't sort herself.

it will also help to remove the 'rosy glow' from a reltionship, and see how real it is

Original poster

lily2309 · 16/03/2009 19:04

Thanks everyone you are so right. I think that giving her an allowance however small is not giving her the right message. she has got to realise that she has now living in the real world. Unfortunately her boyfriend is still living at home and he is 33!!! worrying isnt it?

BonsoirAnna - she has a degree in Business Managment and has also has diplomas in:-excel.powerpoint, word, payroll etc.
I have tried to explain that nobody is waiting to give out jobs at the moment and even is she works for nothing for a few months just to get experience and "a foot in the door" it would help.

A lot of her friends are in the same boat and a couple have gone back to studying but she certainly wont want to build up more debt

OP posts:

Sorrento · 16/03/2009 19:09

33 ???
No wonder her dad is concerned, sit back and say nothing though, she'll figure that out for herself and you don't want to drive her away into his arms.

BonsoirAnna · 16/03/2009 19:09

Well, she has proper marketable skills. How about she identifies an area of work which she wouldn't find too boring and try to get some work experience (even unpaid) in that area as a way of getting her foot in the door?

JackBauer · 16/03/2009 19:19

Once we all hit 16 we had to pay my mum a small amount for food and board. It was only £10 a week to start but I had a rent book (reporter notepad!) adn everything so it felt like I was taking charge.
I have a .degree in Maths and Spanish and ended up working for the civil service as I couldn'ty afford to hold out for perfect job. I have never used my degree!
Once you stop paying her she should realise she has to start work or starve.
The boyfriend thing is another problem, but I think you need to deal with the work thing first and hope everythign else falls into place.

TweetleBeetle · 16/03/2009 19:29

Absolutely agree with everyone else - STOP THE ALLOWANCE NOW!!!!

When I was 16 I was on the YTS (I am that old!) and earnt a huge £36 a week - I had to give my mum £10 out of that.

She's got to realise that there are thousands of others like her with thes so called fab degrees but without any experience it counts for nothing - does she think people just get the really interesting jobs for nothing?

Re the boyfriend - the more you dislike him the longer they'll stay together. Invite him over for dinner/lunch and take an interest in him, if he's that great maybe you'll see it too, if not she'll soon lose interest as it doesn't antagonise you.

Littlefish · 16/03/2009 19:54

She needs to go and sign up with all the temp agencies. With word, excel, powerpoint and payroll, she'll pick something up, even if it's on a week by week basis.

I used to do this every holiday when I was a student. I have never been out of work. There is always secretarial work around.

Drusilla · 16/03/2009 20:00

Good God, definitely stop the allowance! My parents stopped pcoket money when we were 14 and old enough to get Saturday jobs! At the moment she has no reason to do anything other than carry on as she is.

ChippingIn · 17/03/2009 00:35

I think you've probably got the message about her allowance

I just want to add my 2p worth about the boyfriend, if you want her to feel able to leave him if it's not right for her, then fgs don't put her in a position where she feels she is admitting that you were right... otherwise it will take her much longer to do it (not that I stayed with a boyfriend way past his used-by date, so I wouldn't be seen to be admitting my parents were right you understand...)

Jackaroo · 17/03/2009 03:21

I don't ever get the chance to do the whole "when I were a lad" thing, but it's true that I made my pocket money from teh age of 12, paid my parents board during university holidays if I was home, and moved into a flat and had a hideous job long enough to sort out work experience/secretarial skills and I was 23 before I had the job I really wanted..

I was always so resentful that my friends had their overdrafts cleared every term, credit cards paid off etc., but then my brother got a much better deal as my parents had some money by the time he got there.. and it's done him NO favours at all. He's finally got his act together at 34/35... and seriously thought that the world owed him til then.

Oh, and too right ChippingIn, whatever you do, don't have an opinion on the boyfriend. The minute she gets herself together she'll see was a waste of space he is (personal experience there of a boyfriend or 2 who were the same background/race/class etc etc as I was!).

insertwittynicknameHERE · 17/03/2009 06:55

Gawd you still give her an allowance at the age of 22, my brother and I NEVER got pocket money. I had a Saturday job and morning and evening paper rounds from being 13 years old.
I also had a Sunday babysitting job every week. I didn't earn much but I still paid mum and dad the grand total of £10 a week from the age of 13.

Your DD doesn't sound like she has the incentive to get any ind of job, what with a roof over her head, food in her belly and an allowance.

DH has a degree, has never used it, and is only just in a job were he can use basics aspects of the degree. I don't have a degree but do have other qualification, again which I have never used.

You don't need a degree to get a job in a shop/supermarket or in a factory.

bigTillyMint · 17/03/2009 07:05

We have a girl (22) temping (office admin) at work who has a degree in psychology, but can't get a job using it at the moment. She is living away from home in a shared flat and fending for herself.

As the others say, either you are happy with the situation where you are still supporting her, or you stop allowances and insist on her paying you something for food, etc.

She is old enough to be responsible for herself now. And that includes choosing her own boyfriends

thomsc · 17/03/2009 07:08

Couldn't agree more. STOP paying her, she'd 22 FGS.

I was paying for board and lodging a week after my A-level results. My dad took me to sign-on and I got myself a job 15 mins later in the local garage, and another in a hotel. Always been working some how ever since.

Oh, and I was given a suitcase for my birthday that year!

With the Word, Excel, PowerPoint etc she should be able to find work. In London there is usually lots of work doing documents and presentations for banks etc. May be harder to find right now(!) but they will still be needing someone. The pay is great too.

Ideal job, pah.

Original poster

lily2309 · 17/03/2009 08:19

Thanks all for giving me "the kick up the backside" which I will pass on to DD!! I must admit that I have been lax but I supppose that was due to the fact she wasnt well for quite awhile ( nasty glandular fever)which really dragged her down and has hung on but is not full blown ME thank god. But , as I told her, there is no law that says you cannot do partime work.

However I think she has got the message about working towards her perfect job. I told her about the husband of a friend who changed career at the age of 30,looked forever for a permanent job.He then got an offer but had to work for 3 months on no pay which he could ill afford as he had a family to support. He now has been promoted and is doing really well.

As far as the boyfriend is concerned. Its not that I dont like him I just feel that to go out with someone who is 33 living at home and having everything done for him, cooking, washing, cleaning etc is a bit weird. But I suppose if she doesnt mind taking on his Mums role than so be it. In one way I would like her to move out and live with him but knowing the set up his mother would probably do the same for her. I just want her to realise that although we are generally supportive parents I dont really want to be picking up the pieces when things go wrong.

Thanks Chippingin,I know what you mean but I get the feeling she is only with him because it is an easy relationship (on the re-bound)He doesnt make many demands and she likes to say she has a boyfriend although there are many weekends when he decides to go clubbing with his mates and she is left at home in front of the TV - but that is her choice isnt it? She desperately wants us to like him and quite honestly I try and remain non commital after all its her life not mine or her Dads.

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 17/03/2009 08:22

lily - do you think your daughter suffers from low self-esteem?

At 22 she should be rearing to go, not living at home with her parents and being treated like dirt by some infantilised 33 year old...

Doesn't she think she deserves more than this?

bigTillyMint · 17/03/2009 08:25

Get her to watch The Pursuit of Happyness (Will Smith ) - maybe that will get her thinking!

kslatts · 17/03/2009 08:49

I would stop the allowance, but I think YABU about her relationship with her boyfriend.

Original poster

lily2309 · 17/03/2009 09:01

what does YABU mean ? sorry to be dim

OP posts:

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