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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about DD attitude to everything

81 replies

lily2309 · 16/03/2009 17:33

Trying to think were to start ! I have a DD 22 who is trying to find work ( which is certainly not easy at the moment) I still give her a small allowance to help but do not agree to attitude as to what sort of job she should go for. In this current climate you cant be too fussy but she keeps on saying she doesnt want to do this or that because its boring !!!! she has a degree and has worked for a short while but was unfortunately laid off in Feb. she still lives at home and as she is not working I dont feel that I can ask her for a contribution.
The other problem is her boyfriend - her dad is more up tight about the relationship than I as I just want her to be happy but he is so completely different to her. Different background , age, religion, colour. I know that this shouldnt really count but she doesnt realise that when the rosy glow of love wears off and maybe the going gets tough will she be able to cope.

I know that she is not a child (although she sometimes behaves like one but I really dont know what to do or say anymore about any of the above issues

Help!

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 17/03/2009 13:29

They don't have much in common because SHE is at the very beginning of her adult life and HE is well into it... A normal healthy 22 year old who believes her life is full of promise would not go for a man like this. She needs help...

duchesse · 17/03/2009 13:34

Agreed, she doesn't need an allowance. If she wants money, there's a solution.

In this climate she would be well advised to take any job thrown at her whilst she is able to live with you. Trouble is she has probably skipped straight back in to teenager mode by moving back home. Agree also she may be a little depressed. I remember an economist (Will Hutton??) recently saying that the most damaging time for a person to be unemployed was precisely the age and stage your daughter is at now as it undermines their confidence in the whole economic model of working for a living.

MrsMattie · 17/03/2009 13:34

BonsoirAnna - have you led a very sheltered life? Young people make crap relationship choices all the time. Otherwise we'd all be happily married at 18.

BonsoirAnna · 17/03/2009 13:36

I can say with absolute confidence that my life has been less sheltered and more challenging than 90% of people on MN . Which is why I am so sure that the boyfriend is indicative of a BIG problem.

pagwatch · 17/03/2009 13:42

They shouldn't have much in common but because of their circumstances they do.
They are living with exactly the same lack of ambition - he has just been doing it longer.

pagwatch · 17/03/2009 13:46

anna. I suspect I am in the 10% but I think our life experiences can broaden our minds but also serve to reinforce our own beliefs.
For what it is worth I think your assuming a greater problem and my assuming she needs a kick up the bum probably speaks to our handling of our respective adversity.
From which you have clearly emerged nicer than I have

Original poster

lily2309 · 17/03/2009 13:57

Well it has been so interesting and helpful to read all your comments and I must say that I do agree with 90% of what has been said. But putting the record straight the B/F is not a layabout, he does work very hard from what I gather and does naturally pay his mum for 1/2 the housekeeping. And although I mentioned before about the cosy relationship he has helped her with the CV and tips on interview technique. As far as low self esteem is concerned is it any wonder that kids in general have these problems you only have to read every day about anorexia, bulimia etc. I think she fell for this guy after being in a not pleasant relationship with another boy and I was glad in a way that she went for someone different so often you hear of girls constantly fall for bastards.

DD was working for awhile and really enjoyed the job and being independent, but unfortunately it was "last in 1st out" and when looking for work it is always easier if you are at a job when looking. I know that once she is settled in work the confidence will return and she may stop using the BF as a crutch.

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 17/03/2009 14:00

Nothing will convince me that kicking somebody who is already down is a useful strategy for getting them to mature.

I do think that removing as many of the influences as possible that are keeping that person from maturing, and engineering a movement towards a guaranteed short-term success that will promote a little esteem before getting on with the challenges of adulthood, is responsible parenting.

MrsMattie · 17/03/2009 14:09

But you are talking about managing a 22 year woman's life for them. She is young, yes, but she is not a child. Having a say on your 22 yr old daughter's relationships is creepy.

I am a hardcore London gal, though, so I say 'Kick 'er aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaht!'

BonsoirAnna · 17/03/2009 14:12

She may be 22 but, as other posters have pointed out, she is in teenager mode and financially totally supported by her parents. Ergo they need to get this girl in motion to get her to where she should be at 22.

pagwatch · 17/03/2009 14:17

[sigh]
well I think removing additional financial support is not kicking someone when they are down.
And I think there are few things in life that build self esteem more than supporting yourself.

So very little that you are saying will convince me that mopping her brow and discussing her esteem while she sits on her arse is especially helpful.It is more likely to convince her that she has issues and needs to stay at home a little longer.

pagwatch · 17/03/2009 14:18

actually I don'tthink she is in teenage mode. I think she is in idle entitled mode

BonsoirAnna · 17/03/2009 14:21

Nowhere have I suggested mopping her brow or discussing her self-esteem, neither of which I would recommend. I have suggested a concrete course of action to remove her from her present environment into another, unknown, one (albeit structured).

Knowledge and the ability to defend one's own interests, which work can but does not necessarily provide, is the route to self-esteem IMO.

pagwatch · 17/03/2009 14:24

so misconceptions abound.
I wasn't suggesting kicking her out or kicking her when she is down.
I suggested removing her additional allowance and encourage her in to some part time work whilse she investigates more permanent full time option. Hardly tough love.
And not much of a kicking really....

BonsoirAnna · 17/03/2009 14:27

Actually, I think your course of action isn't drastic or hard enough, pagwatch . I really think she needs to move away from home/abroad and get some perspective (in a nice way).

She could come to France and be an au pair - I know families who are looking for someone for next year .

francagoestohollywood · 17/03/2009 14:33

at anna job recruiting.

Have been reading this thread with interest, as I found the stage when I had to start looking for a proper job after my degree quite depressing (yes, possibly linked to low self confidence). I'd have loved to have practical advise from my parents.

duchesse · 17/03/2009 14:39

Talking of which Anna, I'm going to be needing an au pair from September. Do you know any nice girls (or boys) preferably with a driving license who fancy coming to spend some time (at least 6 months or a year) helping take of a newborn and help with basic household stuff while its mother works from home part-time? The au pair would never be left in sole charge of the baby. This is the back of beyond, so would suit someone who likes the countryside. I throw in English lessons and will transport to town for English classes etc... About 8 miles from Exeter.

Will have to start advertising through my extended network soon, but will wait till after the 20-week scan.

Chellesgirl · 17/03/2009 14:51

I think to be fair there is nothing wrong with her living at home.Its easier for her to save money while at home.(if shewas earing that is) Due to recession there aint much hope of her getting a job that she wants. But has she even advertised?

Why dont she and you make some adverts together and display them around?
Have some mother daughter bonding and take her out for a meal on your own and discuss all the options.

Option 1: Get a Job, Pay housekeeping.
2: Get a job, Move out and well help you financially at the beginning.
3: Go on the Doll, Move out.
4: Dont get a job, No allowance.

BonsoirAnna · 17/03/2009 14:54

I don't know of anyone offhand, duchesse, but will think about it and give you a shout if I have any ideas.

Original poster

lily2309 · 17/03/2009 19:28

Well chellesgirl, you must have read my mind as that is exactly what we did today. Went out for lunch and calmly discussed the way forward. I think throwing her out for no other reason that she hasnt go a job is a bit severe and anyhow she would only move in with pampered BF.

She has told me that she has 2 interviews next week and she is also applying for work experience with a company offering internships so I feel things are beginning to move. Realistically it is not easy to move out in London on a basic wage and although we may be able to help a bit with rent she still has to find a permanant job. Temping is a good idea but not for the long term.

OP posts:

rookiemater · 17/03/2009 20:57

I skimmed through the thread so don't know if this has been suggested, but as she is not earning then I think its only fair that she does a number of chores around the house, so she is paying her keep in kind.

My nephew is 23 and dropped out of uni and went back to live with his parents who supported them. Up to a few months ago he stayed up most of the night playing on the internet and mooching around the house. He finally got a job cleaning dishes but has lost it and is now back to square one and seems to be unmotivated to find another. If he were mine he would at least be washing the cars, mowing the lawn and doing some of the hoovering and cleaning.

I don't think there is anything wrong with living at home provided she is contributing either financially or through helping out. These days I would say that temping is no more or less stable than any other job and at least is a good way for her to get an idea about what she enjoys/doesn't enjoy for a living.

good news that the situation is moving forward.

Chellesgirl · 17/03/2009 23:29

Yes Im glad too to hear you did that with her. The one to one adult convo will help her tranfer again from being the 'teen' to the 'young lady'. I think maybe she just wanted a break - maybe too much of one haha.
Any ways, you know her best, and yes you dont really want her to move straight in with BF-not a good idea. He sounds nice tho.

Original poster

lily2309 · 18/03/2009 08:56

Maybe it might help if I could find the happy medium between nagging and ignoring but I just get so frustrated with her and I know how difficult it is out there on the job market. What I cant get over to her is that it doesnt get easier if you just sit and wait for things to happen.

Somebody asked in an earlier thread about our finances. We are fairly comfortable but like every one else things are tough now a days and you dont know what is around the corner. I also have a son (at uni) and elderly MIL who is a bit of a drain on my time and finances. But my issue with DD is not really about money, it is more about her future and her self respect, and becoming a mature and street wise young woman.

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 18/03/2009 09:00

Lily - what field/sector does she want to work in?

Thankyouandgoodnight · 18/03/2009 09:13

I agree - I think you need to inspire her to crave a better future by dropping her in the poo and making her fend for herself.

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